tkgirl Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 (edited) ok so this is something I've been thinking about lately and maybe my fellow LSer's can give me some insight? First of all, I'm pretty easy going.. I like people (for the most part) and try to give everyone a break. But when it comes to guys I think I've been too easy going and it's got to stop... but how? here's what's happened with the past few guys that have shown interest in me: guy #1 - long story but he's a guy I thought I could fall madly in love with, but was a huge flake and didn't know what he wanted with me. One day he'd want to see me, and then next *poof* he's disappeared... then he would come back around again, tell me he's missed me...only to disappear on me. And no, we wouldn't sleep together those times... just when we we're "sort of" in a relationship (before this happened) Anyways, I finally had had it with him and told him to leave me alone.. still broke my heart though... guy #2 - my neighbor who is also a big flake... so I decided we would "just be friends" I kind of adapted a "no flake" rule after guy #1. I know he wanted more, but I just couldn't got there... the flake thing, him being my neighbor, and the fact that I was still hung up on guy #1. We still hung out though, had some fun times but then *poof* he's gone too! We still live next door to each other, but besides some facebook action, we have not talked nor have I even seen him since last summer! guy #3 - younger dude/co-worker (I've posted recently about him) I thought we we're becoming close, at least as friends... until a little flirting got out of control and he confessed he's attracted to me. That was about two weeks ago and we really haven't seen each other since... but when we do he acts a little distant... it bums me out. I mean, if he was interested in me at all, don't you think he'd show it instead of acting all weird? Or was it all a game to him? Anybody see a pattern here that I am missing? besides that I seem to attract flaky guys? It's just so frustrating sometimes, I try to be cool with it but after a while I just feel like no guy wants to put any effort into really getting to know me and all that. Like the title says, am I too easy going? What can I do to change this? thanks guys! Edited January 5, 2010 by tkgirl
MyNameIsJonas Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Anybody see a pattern here that I am missing? besides that I seem to attract flaky guys? It's just so frustrating sometimes, I try to be cool with it but after a while I just feel like no guy wants to put any effort into really getting to know me and all that. Like the title says, am I too easy going? What can I do to change this? thanks guys! First off, don't be so hard on yourself. East-going is a quality that I am actually searching for in a woman because way too many women in my area are too uptight (comes with living in a city driven by politics). Pat yourself on the back for having that personality trait; it's becoming rarer as the days pass. Anyway, I would say the only reasons these guys are flaky is because they are probably trying not to smother you, in their opinion. This seems to be a perceived rampant problem with guys when they are trying to pursue women; all of my male friends vent about it all of the time. Have you ever told, or displayed any sort of physical actions to any of these guys, especially guy #1, that you are interested in them? I could see the flakiness if any of the guys think they are wasting their time, then you unintentionally give off some "game on" signal and then they try again.
D-Lish Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 You'll sense that a guy is flaky in the beginning. Guy #1 came and went, then came back again - and you saw him again. You did the right thing to refuse to see him after he tried to do it yet again. Lesson to learn- don't go back the first time. Guy #2, your neighbour. You sensed he was flaky, but decided to hang around with him anyway. He proved to be flaky. Lesson learned, trust your instincts, they will seldom fail you. The third guy I am not clear on what happened. I'd have to get more of a backstory. I think your instincts are good- I am betting if you learn to trust them, you'll weed out the flaky guys before they have a chance to prove it!
alphamale Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Anybody see a pattern here that I am missing? yes you are a common denominator in all three scenarios
CaspianDreams Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Fortunately, it's not too hard to weed out the flakey guys - they just kind of drop the ball on a regular basis. After a few points of contact, well, you likely have your answer. Well, I suppose that's assuming things work the same way with guys as they do with women, but I doubt the minutia of flakey behavior is gender dependent. I actually love easy going girls/women, so don't become a hard ass...not attractive, as least to me. That said, becoming one, though, would likely save you some heart break, while simultaneously, attenuating your feelings towards a lot of guys, basically, because you wouldn't really get to know them. As such, the hard assed people generally are scared of being hurt...I always love when I come interesting conclusions like that when I'm typing...just kind of fell out of the analysis.
Author tkgirl Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 First off, don't be so hard on yourself. East-going is a quality that I am actually searching for in a woman because way too many women in my area are too uptight (comes with living in a city driven by politics). Pat yourself on the back for having that personality trait; it's becoming rarer as the days pass. Anyway, I would say the only reasons these guys are flaky is because they are probably trying not to smother you, in their opinion. This seems to be a perceived rampant problem with guys when they are trying to pursue women; all of my male friends vent about it all of the time. Have you ever told, or displayed any sort of physical actions to any of these guys, especially guy #1, that you are interested in them? I could see the flakiness if any of the guys think they are wasting their time, then you unintentionally give off some "game on" signal and then they try again. I think you have something there... maybe me being easy going is perceived as not caring to these guys... that makes a lot of sense, actually. I guess I always try to be the "cool girl" that doesn't really need a guy in my life to be happy.. thing is that it's getting old! You'll sense that a guy is flaky in the beginning. Guy #1 came and went, then came back again - and you saw him again. You did the right thing to refuse to see him after he tried to do it yet again. Lesson to learn- don't go back the first time. Guy #2, your neighbour. You sensed he was flaky, but decided to hang around with him anyway. He proved to be flaky. Lesson learned, trust your instincts, they will seldom fail you. The third guy I am not clear on what happened. I'd have to get more of a backstory. I think your instincts are good- I am betting if you learn to trust them, you'll weed out the flaky guys before they have a chance to prove it! here's the links to the threads about guy #3... he's kind of the reason I started this thread: http://http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t212968/ http://http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t213404/ it's just sort of annoying that he seems to have stopped caring about being my friend now yes you are a common denominator in all three scenarios you're brilliant alpha! I never thought of that... Fortunately, it's not too hard to weed out the flakey guys - they just kind of drop the ball on a regular basis. After a few points of contact, well, you likely have your answer. Well, I suppose that's assuming things work the same way with guys as they do with women, but I doubt the minutia of flakey behavior is gender dependent. I actually love easy going girls/women, so don't become a hard ass...not attractive, as least to me. That said, becoming one, though, would likely save you some heart break, while simultaneously, attenuating your feelings towards a lot of guys, basically, because you wouldn't really get to know them. As such, the hard assed people generally are scared of being hurt...I always love when I come interesting conclusions like that when I'm typing...just kind of fell out of the analysis. yeah, I try to keep my heart open but it gets harder when I do keep getting hurt... I had feelings for all three of these guys and they just seemed to lose interest in me for whatever reasons. I don't want to become a hard-ass but maybe I do need to a little bit.
InspiredbyYou Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Being easy going is actually a good quality to have. You can be easy going and still have standards. Know your standards and don't compromise them. If you are putting too much into a situation and you are not getting what you need in return it's time to turn a leaf.
Author tkgirl Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 here's the links to the threads about guy #3... he's kind of the reason I started this thread: http://http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t212968/ http://http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t213404/ ok... I'm retarded... this is my second post tonight that I've tried to put a link to something and I F it up.. how do you do this? ah well...
Author tkgirl Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 Being easy going is actually a good quality to have. You can be easy going and still have standards. Know your standards and don't compromise them. If you are putting too much into a situation and you are not getting what you need in return it's time to turn a leaf. thanks... I do try to have standards as far as how I want to be treated.. it's just hard when I feel like I get close to these guys, whether as friends or whatever, and then they can just bail on me. wow... I sound sort of pathetic huh? ugh!
WTRanger Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 it's just sort of annoying that he seems to have stopped caring about being my friend now Maybe he was going on dates with you to not be your friend? When he said he liked you, something may have sent him the message that you were only looking for friends, at least at that point. Perhaps he has enough female friends and was actually looking for a girlfriend and isn't going to waste anymore time just to end up in a fromance. Perhaps he was actually trying to progress things and when it was dead ended, why should he hang around? These guys are probably not in this just to be friends. The common thread seems to be that all of these guys are looking for something more than friends and once that awful word comes up, they bail. Considering them that are no longer accepting female friend applications. It is a recession you know, no one is hiring anyone new.
Pizzaman81 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Well first off, it doesn't matter if you're easy going or not, guys like these exist in the world. They are just not sure, or they think they know what they want, or they just want to get into your pants and runs at a sight of possible relationship. But with more experience you should be able to detect these types of people. Don't worry, things will work out for you. You will find a man who's not a flake. Happy New Year by the way! At least he didn't try to sell you into a pyramid scheme ................. ..............:love: ...........:love::love: ........:love::love::love:
Author tkgirl Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 Maybe he was going on dates with you to not be your friend? When he said he liked you, something may have sent him the message that you were only looking for friends, at least at that point. Perhaps he has enough female friends and was actually looking for a girlfriend and isn't going to waste anymore time just to end up in a fromance. Perhaps he was actually trying to progress things and when it was dead ended, why should he hang around? These guys are probably not in this just to be friends. The common thread seems to be that all of these guys are looking for something more than friends and once that awful word comes up, they bail. Considering them that are no longer accepting female friend applications. It is a recession you know, no one is hiring anyone new. yep.. you are on to something there too WTR... I knew if I posted about this I would get some helpful insight! yep... I definitely "friend-zoned" all of these guys at one point or another... even guy #1! when things didn't work out for us a "couple" I agreed to try the friends thing with him too... although that was way awkward for both of us and we eventually stopped talking altogether. and guy #3.. we never really went on any "dates" per se... just hung out here and there, went snowboarding etc. until one day he decided he "wanted me" and I didn't know how to respond... so I sort of didn't. Thing is, there's this huge age difference with us... and I guess I didn't want to mess up the "friendship" I thought we had going... ugh... guess it's back to the ol' drawing board for me... rule #1 that I need to learn is that guys don't want to be friends... I just wish they would put more effort into it if that want more with me is all! And I thought I was so easy going!
Author tkgirl Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 Well first off, it doesn't matter if you're easy going or not, guys like these exist in the world. They are just not sure, or they think they know what they want, or they just want to get into your pants and runs at a sight of possible relationship. But with more experience you should be able to detect these types of people. Don't worry, things will work out for you. You will find a man who's not a flake. Happy New Year by the way! At least he didn't try to sell you into a pyramid scheme ................. ..............:love: ...........:love::love: ........:love::love::love: thing is... at my age, I should know better... I'm 44! going on 14 I think....
WTRanger Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 I just wish they would put more effort into it if that want more with me is all! And I thought I was so easy going! What is it that you are looking for from them to say that they want more? They are asking you out on dates, one told you he likes you more than a friend. That's both actions and words, so what about your interactions with them is lacking? What is it you are looking for from them? Again, it seems to be pointing to that all of these men are looking to establish a relationship and when they see it going no where or maybe it is becoming more work for them than it should be, they are not wanting to play that level of the game.
Author tkgirl Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 (edited) What is it that you are looking for from them to say that they want more? They are asking you out on dates, one told you he likes you more than a friend. That's both actions and words, so what about your interactions with them is lacking? What is it you are looking for from them? Again, it seems to be pointing to that all of these men are looking to establish a relationship and when they see it going no where or maybe it is becoming more work for them than it should be, they are not wanting to play that level of the game. actually all three have liked me more than a friend... guy #1 I dated for a couple months... here and there! guy #2 never really "dated" but he made it clear that he was attracted to me... like he told me one day that he thought about just coming over, knocking on my door and when I answered he would plant on big kiss on me and what would I do? guy #3 we've hung out as friends and then he recently told me how he "wants me" but now he's backed off... yes, I do think I sometimes can play it "too cool" and this probably tells these guys I'm not interested so they back off. I guess I just expect them to show a bit more interest in getting to know me... maybe I am doing nothing wrong though and these just haven't been the right guys for me. p.s. I just got a text from guy #3 late last night where he called me a "dork"... something he used to do as a joke now and then... before he said he was attracted to me... so we are back on as friends then? Edited January 5, 2010 by tkgirl
WTRanger Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 It just seems to me that these guys are trying to get to know you, but you won't take down your defenses. What more can they do? No, you are not friends with guy #3. He's just testing the waters to see if you want to try the dating thing again because, God forbid, he may actually be interested in you.
Left in a Lurch Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Yeah, it sounds like you keep the guys at a distance because you maybe prejudge them based on someone you really liked that wasn't totally into you, and now you wonder why they are not beating down your door. You say the co-worker admitted he liked you and now it is weird. Usually this happens when you don't quite say, "I like you too" back and lead him to believe you do not feel the same. I think you are confusing "playing it cool" with sending the signal you could care less about the guy. Playing it cool is a take it or leave it attitude in a lot of cases, but to a guy that might be interested "take it or leave it" isn't really enticing.
phineas Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 TK I followed your post about the younger co-worker. you waffled in that about what you wanted to do with him. He probably just gave up. I mean you guys were hanging out a lot. He told you he liked you. If it were me & there wasn't an official date soon after that I would of stopped flirting with you & moved on because "obviously" you arn't interested. my point of view.
Author tkgirl Posted January 6, 2010 Author Posted January 6, 2010 yep, you are all right... my walls are way up. I got hurt (guy #1) and don't really want to get hurt again any time soon... and about guy #3, if was interested in dating me, don't you think he'd actually ask me out? I sort of feel like he just wanted some.. you know it's kind of ok though... because of the age difference and the work thing, it's probably best we don't act on any of those feelings... he is kind of cute though...
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