tigressA Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 I went to visit Guy #3 again over the weekend. I arrived early Friday afternoon and departed Saturday evening. I had a wonderful time with him, as expected. I'm starting to like him a lot. I'm still seeing Guy #1, but compared to Guy #3 my connection with him is more...wishy-washy. It's definitely not nearly as intense. I don't get as excited to see him as I do Guy #3. So I'm going to end it with Guy #1. I found out this weekend that Guy #3 is seeing someone else--someone who works for the same company he does. He knows that I'm currently seeing someone else, but he doesn't know I'm planning on ending it. While I know Guy #3 really likes me; he gives every sign of it, because he's acknowledged someone else I don't know who he may prefer so far, if he even wants to narrow it down to one person like I do, etc. I don't know how to broach the topic with him, or even if I should at this point. Things are still new; we've only seen each other twice in the 5 weeks since we met online. Additionally, my visits down there are pretty expensive for my budget--I have to take a bus and it costs me $56 round trip each time. (Don't ask if he can come and see me; for several reasons it's a lot easier for me to go down there). I pay for my fare, and he pays for everything else when I'm there, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm a college student and have very limited resources. I would feel guilty if he paid for me to come see him if we weren't dating exclusively. I have a feeling this might be a good thing to bring up--gently--in order to see what he would be willing to do in order to be able to see me with any regularity/see what his views are on eventual exclusivity. Again, I don't know how I would bring that up, or if I should. Any advice?
alphamale Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Again, I don't know how I would bring that up, or if I should. Any advice? i wouldnt' bring any of this crap up...its way too early and you'll probably shoot yourself in the foot. you should probably add a guy #4 in case #3 decides to bolt.
Crazy Magnet Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Ummm.....that sounds like "too much" of a conversation right now. I don't know what to advise doing though. I tend to break every dating rule in the book. I personally don't think you need to make a choice yet and don't think you need to break things off with everyone else unless you are "sure" Funny how it came down to Guy #1 and #3 with both of us. What keeps happening to Guy #2!?!
alphamale Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 What keeps happening to Guy #2!?! Guy #2 got the heave-ho. Don't you remember?
Author tigressA Posted January 4, 2010 Author Posted January 4, 2010 Yeah, that was my basic gut feeling, to just not talk about it at all, not for awhile at least. Good I got some echoes. I am feeling pretty sure about Guy #3 though; I do really like him. So far it's all there. Who knows, something could happen to make my feelings change for Guy #1 but I'm a little skeptical. I do like him, but as I said, there just isn't as much there as with Guy #3 and I'm not sure if it's "fair" to keep seeing him because of that.
boogieboy Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Keep seeing guy number 1, I have a feeling guy number 3 will be leaning towards the woman he is seeing at work, and you dont want to be left with nothing. If he goes to her, you might regret dropping guy number 1.
Author tigressA Posted January 4, 2010 Author Posted January 4, 2010 Keep seeing guy number 1, I have a feeling guy number 3 will be leaning towards the woman he is seeing at work, and you dont want to be left with nothing. If he goes to her, you might regret dropping guy number 1. It's not really about "being left with nothing" for me. That sentiment just reeks of the idea that I'm dating as a security blanket or something, and that's not how I think of it. I'd rather be alone than with someone I have no more than lukewarm feelings for. I am willing to further explore things with Guy #1 just to see if there's a chance things can change, but if they don't then regardless of what happens with Guy #3 I'm dropping him.
pandagirl Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 I don't want to be negative, because dating should be FUN (haha), but the fact that he is dating someone at work would make me feel a little weird. Just the fact that you live a bit away, and he probably sees her every day, means he most likey has a more intimate relationship with her based solely on proximity and time spent together. Plus, people don't tend to get involved with coworkers unless it's something both parties really want to pursue, since dating within the workplace can get complicated. That being said, that doesn't mean he doesn't feel a stronger connection with you. He obviously does feel something for you. Just throwing my 2 cents in!
Author tigressA Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 Yeah, that's what I'm thinking too, Pandagirl. I know nothing of his connection with this other girl, and I don't want to...For right now I'm assuming that whatever he's got with her is more than what he has with me, just because of the proximity and everything, and what you said with office romances being complicated. Additionally, in a few weeks he's going to be traveling for work, and then back home, so I likely won't be seeing him for the next 2 months at least. So I'm doubting that our connection will survive those two clear-cut obstacles.
alphamale Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 So I'm doubting that our connection will survive those two clear-cut obstacles. i think youre gonna have to start prospecting for guys #4, #5 and #6
Author tigressA Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 i think youre gonna have to start prospecting for guys #4, #5 and #6 LOL...I think you may be right Alpha...
shadowplay Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Personally, I would bring up the exclusivity thing with him now. Be fair to yourself. It would be one thing if you were still seeing other people, but it will be really hard to keep this up wondering if he's more interested in the other girl. While you guys have only had two dates, I'm assuming you've also had a lot of contact online and over the phone so I don't think it would be jumping the gun. Also, do you really want to be wasting money on those expensive trips if he's more interested in this other chick?
melodymatters Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Well, my last 3 serious LTR's, two of them volunteered that they had been seeing other people BUT....after a couple of dates with me ( all in one week) they stated that they were going to have to kindly let the other girls go. I did not ask, nor did I solicit these actions. Maybe I'm spoiled now, but someone who didn't do this would make me feel less than...mindblowing:cool: And I won't ask, but something about YOU going to HIM, like pizza delivery, doesn't sit right. Also, he being Paki, is he religious, and is work date of the same religion ? Sorry, I know you like this guy, and all the above sounds very wet-blankety ! I DO wish you the best of luck !!!
alphamale Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Personally, I would bring up the exclusivity thing with him now. hahahahahaha
Author tigressA Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 Also, he being Paki, is he religious, and is work date of the same religion ? Sorry, I know you like this guy, and all the above sounds very wet-blankety ! I DO wish you the best of luck !!! Nope, he's not religious. His family is very nontraditional. I have no idea about the other girl--her name, what she's like, when they met, nothing. Shadow, I definitely do understand the idea of bringing it up now, especially considering what I've put into it already in terms of expense, but I'm erring on the side of caution for a little while longer at least.
shadowplay Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 hahahahahaha I think if it scares him off, he's probably not right for her anyway.
Author tigressA Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 That point is what's bothering me, Shadow. Well, that and how he generally is with me--if you saw our online exchanges and didn't know the situation, you'd likely assume we were a couple. I am aware of the fact that that doesn't mean he's incapable of being the same way to this other girl, whoever she is. Just that...if he feels comfortable enough to behave like that with me, then he by all means should feel comfortable with me discussing the chance of exclusivity. In my mind, at least. Then there comes the issue of how to talk about it.
shadowplay Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 (edited) That point is what's bothering me, Shadow. Well, that and how he generally is with me--if you saw our online exchanges and didn't know the situation, you'd likely assume we were a couple. I am aware of the fact that that doesn't mean he's incapable of being the same way to this other girl, whoever she is. Just that...if he feels comfortable enough to behave like that with me, then he by all means should feel comfortable with me discussing the chance of exclusivity. In my mind, at least. Then there comes the issue of how to talk about it. You might consider mention it when you're talking online, because it's a lot easier than broaching in person. Something like: Hey, so there's something I've been thinking about. I really like you, and at this point you're the only person I'm seeing. I know you're seeing somebody else too, which is fine. I want to be open and let you know that I'm at a point where I feel like I'm ready to be exclusive. Though we've only met up ____, we've gotten to know each other pretty well in the past ____. If you're not ready yet, that's OK, but I would like to know where you stand. Edited January 5, 2010 by shadowplay
shadowplay Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 That point is what's bothering me, Shadow. Well, that and how he generally is with me--if you saw our online exchanges and didn't know the situation, you'd likely assume we were a couple. I am aware of the fact that that doesn't mean he's incapable of being the same way to this other girl, whoever she is. Just that...if he feels comfortable enough to behave like that with me, then he by all means should feel comfortable with me discussing the chance of exclusivity. In my mind, at least. Then there comes the issue of how to talk about it. What are some of the more expressive things he's said to you?
alphamale Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Hey, so there's something I've been thinking about. I really like you, and at this point you're the only person I'm seeing. I know you're seeing somebody else too, which is fine. I want to be open and let you know that I'm at a point where I feel like I'm ready to be exclusive. Though we've only met up ____, we've gotten to know each other pretty well in the past ____. If you're not ready yet, that's OK, but I would like to know where you stand. if i read this after dating some chick for a few wks i'd run for the hills as would most men worth having...
shadowplay Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 if i read this after dating some chick for a few wks i'd run for the hills as would most men worth having... you're a commitment phobe, though.
Star Gazer Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 I think if it scares him off, he's probably not right for her anyway. WRONG! After TWO dates, exclusivity should NOT be a subject of conversation, expensive trips or not (and from his perspective, I doubt he sees $56 for an entire trip as expensive).
Author tigressA Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 What are some of the more expressive things he's said to you? He calls me "baby" and "dear" when we talk. He sent me a couple of "Thinking of you" texts while he was at work. When I was over for the weekend I wore my favorite t-shirt, this jersey-type thing with "Trouble" on the back of it. That's his new nickname for me. He's good at photography and he wanted some pictures of me, so we had a little photo shoot. We were going through our favorites and he kept exclaiming over them. With one in particular he said, "You're amazing." When I got home that evening he said that he couldn't stop looking at them. He expresses sincere interest in me and how I spend my time; he asks questions about my day that go beyond the typical "How are you?" He remembers things that I tell him. For example, I told him I wasn't going to NY with my aunt; I was going to stay here in her tiny little house and dogsit for her. The other night, I was still up, it was really late; I got an IM from him. He'd just woken up, couldn't go back to sleep. After a bit of conversation he asked, "You and the dog are keeping safe?"
Star Gazer Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 He calls me "baby" and "dear" when we talk. He sent me a couple of "Thinking of you" texts while he was at work. When I was over for the weekend I wore my favorite t-shirt, this jersey-type thing with "Trouble" on the back of it. That's his new nickname for me. He's good at photography and he wanted some pictures of me, so we had a little photo shoot. We were going through our favorites and he kept exclaiming over them. With one in particular he said, "You're amazing." When I got home that evening he said that he couldn't stop looking at them. Not trying to be a negative nancy here, but NONE of this is demonstrative of "expressive feelings"... if anything, they're the true signs of a player.
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