Brokenhearted_girl Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Paulo Coehlo’s Closing Cycles One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished. Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden? You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill. None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back. Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place. Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else. Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important. Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.
gaudi Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Stop being who you were, and change into who you are. Yeah baby !!!! Do this !! I'm gonna !!
Author Brokenhearted_girl Posted January 4, 2010 Author Posted January 4, 2010 You will sometimes meet someone you believe is a soul mate; you feel the connection on many levels, perhaps instantly.* And as you get to know each other more, you begin to feel the connection deepen and you feel that you must have an arrangement with this person that predated this lifetime. Do not assume, however, that this soul connection necessarily means that you are meant to be happily together for this lifetime. *It may be that you are meant to be friends and allies, helping each other out.* It may be that you are going to help each other in ways that even involve conflict and separation, but with an end result that is beneficial to you.* It may be that you are going to learn some lesson from each other and then go your separate ways. What you need to do with all relationships, including those that have that instant and deep connection, is let be.* You need to allow all of life, including close relationships, flow and evolve.* You need to let people be who they are, not what you want them to be.* And above all, you must not try to control, push and prod, manipulate and orchestrate relationships. Have the courage and the heart, the centeredness, to follow your own path, to be who you are and love being who you are, no matter what. Shine out and show us who you are, so that people who are looking for someone exactly like you can find you.* Do not allow setbacks or even major betrayals to dampen your shine and your being. In life’s journey you will encounter much, narrow paths blocked by avalanches, forks in the road shrouded in fog, deep valleys of darkness and bright sunny days in meadows of golden poppies.* It is all a part of life.* And as you walk your path, other people will join you for a time: *a dear friend, a lover, a spouse, children and parents.* And then they may go away.* And through it all, the only constant is that you are you, that you have a core of truth within you and a path to walk, and if you allow your core of truth to tell you which fork in the road to take, if you allow that internal compass to tell you which mountain to climb, then you will do well indeed and have a fulfilling, interesting life.* If you go chasing after others, trying to make things be other than how they naturally are, then you will find yourself suddenly awakening in a deep forest without knowing where to turn.* You will find yourself lost and confused, because you have lost touch with your own personal truth. And when this happens, you must just sit down in the forest, become very still, and return to yourself.* You must reach down and find yourself again before you continue walking, or else you will simply go around in circles, becoming more desperate and alone and lost. You are everything you need to be, just as you are, right now.* You are the center of your own life.* You are the beacon that shines and shows the way.* Be glad when others walk beside you, enjoy their company, connect as closely and deeply as you can, but always, always, shine your own light and walk your own path and allow them to do the same. * Here is a little prayer for today I am a light that shines brightly.* I am the truth and the core and the center of my own life.* I am all that I need to be, just as I am, right now.* I love who I am and I love my life.* I allow myself to be and evolve and I allow my life to flow. I am love and power.* I am freedom.* I am light.* I am.
Author Brokenhearted_girl Posted January 4, 2010 Author Posted January 4, 2010 Hi Gaudi! Yeah I love that line "stop being who you were, start being who you are!". I was dying in the morning, wishing my ex would call me. These articles are like my cheering squad. I feel a bit okay each time I read them.
ginyi1111 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 I love Paulo Coelho's books! And these articles are inspirational but I guess I'm having a particularly bad day since they are unable to stop me crying my eyes out today...
Author Brokenhearted_girl Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 I love Paulo Coelho's books! And these articles are inspirational but I guess I'm having a particularly bad day since they are unable to stop me crying my eyes out today... Right now I'm on the same boat as yours. I feel like I might as well sleep through all this until it's over.
Author Brokenhearted_girl Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 Breaking up is hard to do - but it's something we all seem to go through at one time or another. Well most of us do anyway. It seems to affect us similarly whether we are young or old, famous or not, rich or poor and irrespective of where we are in the world. Below are a few of my soyouvebeendumped.com suggestions that will hopefully help you decrease your recovery time and maybe minimize the amount of mistakes made along the way. 1) Don't try to be their friend - make a "clean break" As tempting as it is, if you are still in love with your EX, and he or she doesn't reciprocate the feelings and intensity, then you're better off making a clean break. I call it E.R. ("Emotional Rehab") - which is basically just my way of saying "time to go cold turkey". Most people choose to ignore my advice, and remain their ex's friend - somehow imagining if they do continue to be this wonderful, supportive friend, their EX will miraculously see the err of their ways - and take them back. That so seldom happens. Now some of you will insist on remaining "friends" with your ex (or have to due to classes, jobs or children together), so if you are attempting this, be sure to set some ground rules. For example, do not discuss your former relationship, your new partners, or anything else that you know to be a potentially volatile subject. Resist every urge in you to ask those personal questions - most of the time the answers hurt! Keep conversations relevant to work, children or classes and away from any emotional topics. It is not easy, but it is achievable. Eventually many non-believers come back to SYBD and say they finally had to take my advice and "cut contact", because it really is too hard trying to be someone's "buddy" - when you're wanting more. This is especially true when your EX starts seeing someone new and starts asking you for advice (yes really!) or tries to share the gory details. No thanks. You're better off saying - "I care for you, and maybe in time, when I am over the pain, we can resume a friendship." While it is rare, in some instances, absence DOES make the heart grow fonder and they do realize what they have been missing and reconciliation is on the cards. In others, the time apart actually serves to make you see the relationship for how it really was, and shocking as this may be to you right now, in time you just may realize you don't want to be their friend after all! Finally, after you are over your EX and no longer harbor secret desires to get back together then you can really become "just friends". 2) Do erase their telephone number from your mobile phone As text messaging is such a HUGE thing, you'd be wise to delete their name and number from your mobile phone (and address book) straight away. You may also be able to bar their number from your phone too. Deleting your ex's details will save you phoning or texting at 4am to ask "Why? Why? Why?" you were dumped, or save you from begging your ex, drunkenly, to take you back. That method seldom (if ever) works for reconciliation. It often has the adverse effect. Who enjoys getting woken up in the middle of the night by someone's incoherent rantings? Or by being bombarded by text messages from someone that just doesn't seem to get the hint. 3) Do delete their old emails and their handle from your online "buddy" lists If you can bring yourself to DELETE all of the old emails between you, then do it. If that seems to drastic, at least put them onto a disc or burn them CD and put them somewhere where you won't be tempted to continually re-read each one over and over. You just end up torturing yourself. I know I've done it! Similarly to number two - remove and block them from your buddy lists. I know you think it's a minor offense, even quite harmless, to keep in touch with your ex via email or instant messaging programs, but the only one you're fooling is yourself. I'm guilty of that one too! Often you just end up spying on them, checking to see when they are on (and wondering who they are talking to if it's not you!), analysing each message they send you, or worse yet, you get hurt when they tell you they are off "out" that night (and don't say where). It's an absolute nightmare, why put yourself through all that? In a weird sort of way, keeping in touch electronically is a form of denial. It's a way of staying in the relationship even when the other person isn't physically there anymore. After six months or so have passed, if you decide you want to, then you can add them back to your buddy list and allow them to see you again on theirs. Hopefully enough time will have past where you are better able to handle being in touch. 4) Don't sit around staring at the mementos Put away the letters, pictures and any personal belongings of your ex. Box them up and put them in a closet or somewhere equally out of sight. I have known some people to have ceremonial burnings, but that may be a bit drastic, and after you're calmer and have healed, you may even regret it. For starters, just box up all of the stuff until you feel ready to face it. Eventually you'll be able to look at the holiday snaps without feeling sick to your stomach but not right now. In a year's time, if you do still feel like torching the stuff, then do it somewhere safe - like the beach! 5) Do use a journal or notebook to vent your pain, anger, frustration & so forth You should never underestimate the power of pouring the words out onto a page. This is even good for men. In fact, it's generally exceptionally good for men, as a lot of men don't have an outlet for their emotions and pain. During the healing process often we don't feel like we are improving, and the notebook or diary will show you just how far you have come if you read it after a few weeks or months. It is incredibly cathartic and it just may stop you from saying things to your EX you may later regret. I highly recommend writing letters to your EX that you don't actually send. 6) Do spoil yourself This is something that both men and women can and need to do. Do something so simple as to having a manicure, facial or a massage. Or, maybe purchase that nifty gadget you've had your eye on. Both men and women can also benefit from picking up some new items of clothing that make us feel sexy. We all want to feel attractive. Treat yourself as you would want that someone 'special' to treat you. Have candle lit dinners - with all of your favorite foods - just for you. You're worth it. 7) Do buy new bedding & change your surroundings It may sound silly but it's very powerful step that you can take to cleanse the situation and start fresh. I have known some people to actually go out and buy whole new beds. If you can afford it, go for it. There is something to be said for sleeping in bedding with no history and no memories. The same can be said by changing the wallpaper or repainting an area - to make it more of your own. Surround yourself in your home with things that make you feel comfortable. Pictures of family and friends who really love you and support you are a very good start. 8) Don't rebound Give yourself plenty of time to heal from this break-up. Many people begin dating before they are really recovered. It is almost as if they get bored of the pain and the healing process, so they suddenly grab the next random person who happens to show a little kindness and BAM! It's a fantastic theory but it doesn't always work that way. Try refrain from immediately trying to find someone to replace your EX and fill that void. Better to work through your pain fully before returning to the dating pool. While there is something to be said for rebound shags, they can sometimes do more harm than good. We've all heard "you can't get over a man (or woman) until you get under another". Don't bet on it. Dating too soon often leads to comparisons to your EX, makes you feel lonelier than not dating did, and can actually set you back further, emotionally, than before you had started to date again. As much as we think this bright, sexy, intelligent person makes us feel so good, at the end of the day, they won't really be able to fill this VOID in you. Only YOU can really make YOU happy. So the trick is to be happy within yourself before you start to date again. 9) Don't listen to the negative self-talk Once we have been dumped, there is a tendency slip into negative "self talk" and to worry about so many things: if we will ever be loved again, have sex again, trust again or perhaps we worry we are too old, too fat, too dumb or too anything…to ever be happy and fulfilled again. That is highly unlikely, so relax! Dispel thoughts like that immediately and replace them with positive affirmations of your own self worth. Remember, just because your EX may no longer find you desirable or want to be in a relationship with you, doesn't mean that no one else ever will. It just means your EX doesn't. So what? You are still you. You are still whole, complete and perfect just as you are and it will do you good to keep reminding yourself of that. 10) Do take charge of your life - the world is your oyster Use your time to alone to focus on yourself and your own goals in life. You can take a course in cooking, pick up a new hobby or learn seroc dancing - whatever you want. Buy a house, a motorcycle, travel the world, retrain for a new career or go for that promotion. The world is your oyster! Get up off the sofa as soon as you can. While some regrouping time is necessary, at some point you should try to get in yourself back in shape and back in the land of the living. If you've lost a lot of weight (due to that lack of appetite!) then it's time to put it back on - and vice versa. Start eating right and treating your body with the respect it deserves -it's not the one who dumped you! Go running, walking, biking or to the gym to get the endorphins swimming through you. You'll feel better if you do and you will project that to all you meet. Finally, one of the most frequently asked questions I get at soyouvebeendumped.com is "How will I know when I am really over my ex?" I think a good gauge is if you no longer harbor feelings and desires of getting back together. Not only that, but you can actually think of your EX having sex with someone else and it doesn't feel like your heart's just been ripped out of your chest and was stomped on.
CaliGuy Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Haven't I said this 10000000 times? "You can't drive a car while staring in the rear view mirror" I believe is the phrase I use most often. This is why I tell people to delete/block your ex through every means of communication (facebook, IM, phone, etc). It forces them to live in the present and distances them from the past. The hardest thing for people to do is to accept that it's over. Until you do that, the healing can not possibly begin.
Author Brokenhearted_girl Posted January 7, 2010 Author Posted January 7, 2010 Haven't I said this 10000000 times? "You can't drive a car while staring in the rear view mirror" I believe is the phrase I use most often. This is why I tell people to delete/block your ex through every means of communication (facebook, IM, phone, etc). It forces them to live in the present and distances them from the past. The hardest thing for people to do is to accept that it's over. Until you do that, the healing can not possibly begin. You are soooooo right! Acceptance is the key.
ginyi1111 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Yes. I have deactivated my FB, blocked and deleted him from MSN and moved to another new dept at work so that I wont see his work mails or hear his name being mentioned. It is still so hard to get through some of the bad days, but it does help when you cut them off from your life and concentrate on ourselves for now..
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