Shocked&Broken Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Hi, everyone. I'm new here. I've read a lot posts and advice for most of the day and decided to post my own pitiful discovery. My husband and I have been together for 15 years, married for 10. We have 2 girls, 9 and 4. I found out that he's been texting a woman for the past few weeks. I got a hold of his phone and read the messages that weren't erased and found out that he's having an affair with her. This morning, I confronted him before he left for work. He didn't deny any of that. I asked him if he loved her, he said yes. I asked him what he wanted to do about our marriage, he told me he wasn't sure. After a few hours of thinking, I called him at work and told him that we needed to sit down tonight and get everything out in the open. He agreed but added that he wants a divorce. Apparently he's planned this for a while but, didn't want to do anything yet because I am at home with the kids and not working. He wanted to give me a chance to "get on my feet" before he dropped the bomb on me. Also, he didn't want to bring it up because my father is in Intensive Care from a stroke and a heart attack. (Isn't he thoughtful?) I'm totally at a loss right now. I'm just trying to gather my thoughts for our conversation tonight. He's a Minister with a local church. I bet his Pastor doesn't know anything about this. That's really all I can muster right now.
Elizabrary Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Shocked- I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know how awful you feel. I am in the midst of getting out of my marriage and I feel terrible. I know there are no words that will really help you right now, but just know that there are lots of people out there going through the same situation. I don't want to be strong, I want to crawl in a hole. But I also know that I cannot let someone as selfish and careless as my STBXH destroy me. So I do the best I can. Try and stay busy. Start looking for a job. My work keeps me sane most days! Hang in there- we will feel better soon!
Author Shocked&Broken Posted January 4, 2010 Author Posted January 4, 2010 Thanks for your kind words. You're right. One way or another, we will feel better. I just hate to lose him. He's my first love and my best friend. Also, I don't want my kids to grow up without a father in the home. It feels like someone ripped out my heart and I have a large gaping wound where it used to be.
Elizabrary Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 I feel the same way. Can't sleep, can't eat. I hate it. But I filed for divorce today and, in a way, that's a relief. A positive step, but it's hard!
phineas Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 I hate to say this, but he isn't your friend. Not anymore. Friends don't treat their friends that way. He was waiting for you to get a job because supporting you after divorce will cut into his mad money for new GF. I don't want to sound harsh but those who cheat on their spouces don't care one bit about them. I'd go see a lawyer with a copy of last yrs tax return & see what they say. Learn your options.
LisaUk Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Another b*****d! Hun, it sounds like you want to try and work this out with him? Unfortunately if he is in the affair fog he may not want to. I have been reading advice on here since June, on the basis of what I have "seen" I would suggest that when he comes home tonight tell him you don't want the divorce, you want to try and save your marriage, you are willing to go MC with him if he ceases all contact with OW. (That's just my opinion, read some threads for yourself and see what you think is best to do, there are many, mnay people on here that have been in your situation). If he refuses then tell him this is the way it's going to pan out You have children, therefore he is the one who wants out so he moves out and he will continue to pay for the family home and his responsibilites (see a lawyer, today if possible). Expose the affair to family, friends and his pastor. Also find out if the OW is married and expose the affair to her H. Goole marriage builders, they deal specifically with affairs and how to deal with them. Try not to beg/plead (we all did, myself included), you need to try and pull a 180, very hard to do, but you need to show him although you want to work this out, you WILL be OK without him. Often, but not always, seeing you "getting on with things" can be enough for him to rethink what he is doing. I'm really sorry you are going through this, to be honest I think you are being remarkably strong and restrained to be able to even speak to him right now. Keep posting.
Steadfast Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 I'd memorize Lisa's post and do exactly what she says. This is a critical time; you must start to show strength NOW and don't allow yourself to be victimized. You must show him he only has half of the control over your marriage and relationship, and -in fact- as far as the home and kids go, you're the majority player. You'll make the rules, he either go by them or... In solitude, you'll feel the pain and suffer, but this too shall pass. Remember that real love hurts no one, but imitation love does. Continue to represent real love (which includes toughness and strength) to him, your girls, and especially yourself. Cheating spouses often try to turn the tables and make you feel guilty...like you made them do it. Don't fall for that. Eat, sleep, exercise and practice kindness. Post here for support, you're not alone- =)
hopesndreams Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 You found out, you confronted him, his response was he loved her and wanted a divorce. He says he delayed telling you because you were a stay at home wife. I call bullcr_p on this one. He wanted to be a cake eater but you forced his hand. He didn't want to look like the big fat cheater he is so he then claims he loves his bit on the side. This kinda stuff always seems to blow up in our face during a stressful time. Your H was weak, stupid and still is. He won't change his mind about this no matter what good stuff you have to counter him with. He will get the D he wants. Your choice is to agree and accept and move on with your life or to fight with every ounce of your being. The less painful choice, in the long run, is to agree. Divorce him. The most painful choice is to fight, and do all you can to make him see the light and save the M. Expose, expose, expose. However you slice it, or whichever way you want it to go, with or without him, he needs to feel shame and suffer consequences for his actions.
Author Shocked&Broken Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 Everyone, thanks for your responses. We had an interesting conversation last night. I was calm and I had my questions ready. So, he says this is the first time it's ever happened. He says he still loves me but he loves her, too. They met years ago but he just got in contact with here again a few weeks ago. She's divorced with a son. Now, he claims he doesn't want a divorce and only suggested it because he didn't think I would be open to forgiveness. He says that I am a good wife and mother and I haven't left any voids that are being filled by her. He claims he never thought he would be in a situation like this and doesn't know what to do now. I've known this man a long time and he's extremely confused right now. He claims he doesn't want to hurt me but the damage has been done. I asked him if anyone else knows about it, including his Pastor, he says no. He's not really giving me any clear answers on what he wants to do and honestly, I'm not sure he knows. I told him that he can't have it both ways, he has to make a decision and I will give him time to sort it out. I also told him that I am willing to save our marriage but he has to be 100% committed in order for that to happen. Meanwhile, I'm going on with my life and doing what I need to do for myself and our children. I've been looking for a job but, it's difficult here without a car and no public transportation system where I am. I've started the 180. I guess we'll see what happens.
LisaUk Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Hi Well I'm pleased to hear that he doesn't necessarily want to divorce, but this isn't just his decision sweetie, you have a right and a say in how this will be dealt with. You need to arm yourself with information about how to deal with this situation, I would strongly recommend you look at the advice from Marriage builders , there have been members on here who have used their plan A and plan B when confronted with a spouse in an affair and they have gotten through it and are still together. Certain things need to be put in place, such as him ceasing all contact with OW and the two of you seeking MC, but whether you should give him space or make these demands I am unsure. Perhaps if you went to see an MC on your own for advice on how to proceed from here? You could maybe tell your H you are going and ask if he would like to come as well? As far as giving him space, well yes I can understand that perhaps you don't want to push things, it's good you have begun the 180, that takes a lot of your power back in this situation. Do some reading, try and see an MC and stay strong. Keep posting.
Author Shocked&Broken Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 Lisa, Thanks for your response. I was reading up on Marriage Builders and a few other programs and I will be talking to a counselor, with or without him. I know I need to talk to someone.
LisaUk Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Lisa, Thanks for your response. I was reading up on Marriage Builders and a few other programs and I will be talking to a counselor, with or without him. I know I need to talk to someone. I'm glad you posted Shocked, I have been thinking about you all day. We're here if you need us. (Hugs).
D Day Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 i know what you r going through i am were u r right now i have been doing the 180 for a couple of days and your h sounds as confused as your h be strong and hang in their when you feel like you can not make it get on here and these people will help you it has helped me and get in the gym that will make you feel great:D GOOD LUCK
Author Shocked&Broken Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 You know what I just realized? I realized that in the end, I only want him to be happy, even if it isn't with me. Sure, it'll hurt like hell but, I love him that much. I think this is probably the weirdest thing I have ever said. Hey, DDay! Nice to meet you. Wish I could have met you (and everyone else here) on better terms though. Hugs to you, too, LisaUK!
D Day Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 that is not the weirdest thing. i have said that to him many times.now i just say i know this is over and i have to be happy read the 180 act like u have moved on and u will be surprised TRUST ME you deserve to be happy 2
Author Shocked&Broken Posted January 6, 2010 Author Posted January 6, 2010 (edited) Hey, everyone! Been thinking again (you all know how that goes). How do you deal with the "you didn't do anything wrong, it's all me" speech? My mind tells me that my husband's emotional needs were not met somewhere and I missed something. His mouth tells me something completely different. I'm not sure how to process that bit of info. Anyway Day 1 and Day 2 were good. I still don't have an appetite but, I'm sleeping well. (This is such a weird post. Sorry if it sounds crazy.) Edited January 6, 2010 by Shocked&Broken misspelling
LisaUk Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Oh hunny I don't know I'm afraid, I haven't been through exactly what you are going through. I will say though, I think it's doubtful you didn't fullfil your H's emotional needs, the very fact you can even ask that question in the face of his betrayal shows what a loving wife you are. I think maybe just sit down with him and tell him how you feel about it? Did you make an appointment with an MC? I think the sooner the two of you get there the better. I am right in thinking he is commited to working on this with you? Has he ceased all contact with OW? Also, have you tried one of the other forums on here, infedility? I'm sure there are LSers on this forum who can help, but a lot of us here have been left outright and so have never experienced what you are, you may find more insight over on that board. (Please do stay here as well though!)
Author Shocked&Broken Posted January 6, 2010 Author Posted January 6, 2010 According to him, he has stopped the affair and wants to work on our marriage. However, he's still in contact with her. Wow, I just realized I posted in the wrong section. I must be REALLY distraught! We haven't made an appointment with an MC yet... working on it though. Thanks, LisaUK. I wish I could move this thread to the other section.
LisaUk Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 You can post anywhere you like sweetie, we will try to help as much as we can, I just wanted to let you know about the infidelity one b/c there may be more experience over there. Do stay here to though, we will support you.
reboot Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Immediate and complete no contact with the OW. Forever. Period. If he won't agree to that, if he won't be completely and totally transparent, make sure you know who he's talking to, typing to, seeing, thinking about, at all times so you KNOW he's not in contact with her anymore, then MC is a complete waste of time and money. You cannot work on repairing the damage while he's still in afairy land. He may be confused, he may seem lost, he may be very sad. Do not feel pity for him. Not if you still love him. This is not the time to play nice.
hopesndreams Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 According to him, he has stopped the affair and wants to work on our marriage. However, he's still in contact with her. Wow, I just realized I posted in the wrong section. I must be REALLY distraught! We haven't made an appointment with an MC yet... working on it though. Thanks, LisaUK. I wish I could move this thread to the other section. As long as he is in contact with the OW, the M is doomed. He is cake eating. He needs to make a choice, asap, otherwise, make the choice for him.
Author Shocked&Broken Posted January 8, 2010 Author Posted January 8, 2010 Hey, everyone! Well, it finally happened. No contact with OW!! Counseling begins soon and we are looking at a few retreats. Still, taking it one day at a time and continuing the 180.
LisaUk Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 Fantastic. Keep us posted and just remember hun that HE is lucky to have YOU a lot of people would have left HIM after what he did.
Fitness Dude Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I hope the 180 works, I hear so much about it, all the time, and I have heard of few successes. Please stay strong in the 180, if I could do it over again I would have, I caved too many times. I've needed a time machine like 5 times this year. Please let someone successfully implement the NC/180!
hopesndreams Posted January 8, 2010 Posted January 8, 2010 I think implementing the 180 is more for the BS's sanity. Cheaters are a lost cause, but when the pain is fresh and you're in desperation mode, you grasp at straws. Good luck Shocked. Hope things work out for you.
Recommended Posts