thatguy85 Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Alright so I've been single and dating now for about 5 months since my last serious relationship which lasted 6 years (Had my heart broken). I've been on dates with about a dozen or so girls, and the whole scene has been very fun. It is my first time being single since highschool... and I am really enjoying it. Heres my problem: of the girls I've dated, I've actually only liked 3 of them. The most recent girl I like A LOT, maybe even more than I should in just a matter of a few weeks. We have been spending a lot of time together and she has already told me she is into me. I told her I wasn't really looking for a relationship, and she agreed that it was understandable considering I'm still pretty fresh from my prior relationship... That being said we've been sleeping together on a pretty regular basis, spend hours and hours together going out for Lunch, Dancing, Dinner Dates or even cuddling up on her couch to watch TV or a movie. I asked her what she was looking for yesterday and she made it very clear that she likes me a lot, and what we have. She also told me that I am welcome to her house whenever I want, and she loves spending time with me. When we are intimate with each other it gets ridiculously passionate (not even just during sex, but while cuddling/holding each other). I am noting these facts to say that I am positive that if I asked for an exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with her, theres no doubt in my mind she would agree to it. At the same time, she hasn't been giving me any kind of pressure whatsoever to making this thing an official relationship. Honestly, I think shes awesome and I love spending time with her too. Even as I post this, I want to be with her... Problem is: I'm incredibly scared of commitment right now, mainly because I am not really over my last relationship, I'm enjoying being single, and I am not ready to put someone through any kind of **** I might have with the baggage I'd bring. In the meantime, I still talk to the other two girls I have dated and liked. I also still go out with my guy friends and talk to new girls at bars and clubs. I actually exchanged numbers with two girls this past weekend and made out with one of them after the bar closed. I guess what my question is - am I playing her?
DustySaltus Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 (edited) Alright so I've been single and dating now for about 5 months since my last serious relationship which lasted 6 years (Had my heart broken). I've been on dates with about a dozen or so girls, and the whole scene has been very fun. It is my first time being single since highschool... and I am really enjoying it. Heres my problem: of the girls I've dated, I've actually only liked 3 of them. The most recent girl I like A LOT, maybe even more than I should in just a matter of a few weeks. We have been spending a lot of time together and she has already told me she is into me. I told her I wasn't really looking for a relationship, and she agreed that it was understandable considering I'm still pretty fresh from my prior relationship... That being said we've been sleeping together on a pretty regular basis, spend hours and hours together going out for Lunch, Dancing, Dinner Dates or even cuddling up on her couch to watch TV or a movie. I asked her what she was looking for yesterday and she made it very clear that she likes me a lot, and what we have. She also told me that I am welcome to her house whenever I want, and she loves spending time with me. When we are intimate with each other it gets ridiculously passionate (not even just during sex, but while cuddling/holding each other). I am noting these facts to say that I am positive that if I asked for an exclusive boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with her, theres no doubt in my mind she would agree to it. At the same time, she hasn't been giving me any kind of pressure whatsoever to making this thing an official relationship. Honestly, I think shes awesome and I love spending time with her too. Even as I post this, I want to be with her... Problem is: I'm incredibly scared of commitment right now, mainly because I am not really over my last relationship, I'm enjoying being single, and I am not ready to put someone through any kind of **** I might have with the baggage I'd bring. In the meantime, I still talk to the other two girls I have dated and liked. I also still go out with my guy friends and talk to new girls at bars and clubs. I actually exchanged numbers with two girls this past weekend and made out with one of them after the bar closed. I guess what my question is - am I playing her? By telling her you aren't looking for a relationship, you are telling her that you are still seeing other people as well. Just remember that she may be doing the same thing. Now before you say, "No, I know she wouldn't do that she likes me too much"...well, when she said that she "likes what we have" that let's me know that she may be keeping her eyes open as well. We can't control when we meet people. I was out of a broken engagement 6 months ago. I was keeping to myself for about 4 and a half months or so and started dating someone who knows my situation. She was very patient but over the past month we have grown closer and things have just happened. We can't say to ourselves, "ok, when i'm 30 I will meet a girl, fall in love and get married and have kids"...it's never that simple. We have to open ourselves up to someone when we feel ready otherwise we could be missing a great opportunity. No one was more hurt then myself but I just recently realized that it's OK to be happy again. I was a dating maniac a few months back but I will take a quality woman over a large quantity of dates that may or may not go anywhere over a period of time. You're playing a dangerous game here because from my experience women like this are patient but when they reach a certain point they will hit you with a relationship ultimatium. And if you don't take it at that point...THEY WILL LEAVE. So, you need to keep that it the back of your mind. Only you know what you want right now. Either way, stay strong and good luck -DS Edited January 4, 2010 by DustySaltus grammar
Author thatguy85 Posted January 4, 2010 Author Posted January 4, 2010 By telling her you aren't looking for a relationship, you are telling her that you are still seeing other people as well. Just remember that she may be doing the same thing. Now before you say, "No, I know she wouldn't do that she likes me too much"...well, when she said that she "likes what we have" that let's me know that she may be keeping her eyes open as well. We can't control when we meet people. I was out of a broken engagement 6 months ago. I was keeping to myself for about 4 and a half months or so and started dating someone who knows my situation. She was very patient but over the past month we have grown closer and things have just happened. We can't say to ourselves, "ok, when i'm 30 I will meet a girl, fall in love and get married and have kids"...it's never that simple. We have to open ourselves up to someone when we feel ready otherwise we could be missing a great opportunity. No one was more hurt then myself but I just recently realized that it's OK to be happy again. I was a dating maniac a few months back but I will take a quality woman over a large quantity of dates that may or may not go anywhere over a period of time. You're playing a dangerous game here because from my experience women like this are patient but when they reach a certain point they will hit you with a relationship utlimatium. And if you don't take it at that point...THEY WILL LEAVE. So, you need to keep that it the back of your mind. Only you know what you want right now. Either way, stay strong and good luck -DS Thanks for this. I completely agree with your initial point and realize that there is a possibility that she could still have her eyes open, or she could be dating others as well. I do doubt it though based on the fact that I overheard her friend telling her "It's about time you got a damn date", early on in us seeing each other. She knew I heard too and was completely embarrassed by this, saying she felt like a loser. I mean I guess that could have been part of her game, but I doubt she would go that far, and based on what I know from her so far, shes very non-bull****. Your last paragraph I know is true too. I've already played the ultimatum scenario in my head, and I haven't come to a conclusion yet. I feel like my personality leans me more towards a relationship guy than a ONS/fling kind of guy, but I am being cautious here. Maybe at my age and situation, flings and ONS would be more healthy.
Author thatguy85 Posted January 4, 2010 Author Posted January 4, 2010 By telling her you aren't looking for a relationship, you are telling her that you are still seeing other people as well. Just remember that she may be doing the same thing. Now before you say, "No, I know she wouldn't do that she likes me too much"...well, when she said that she "likes what we have" that let's me know that she may be keeping her eyes open as well. I also wanted to add that after re-reading my OP, I think I worded this wrong. She actually said that shes "OK" with what we have, and said it with a little hesitation. But then she said she likes spending time with me, no matter what we want to call it.
DustySaltus Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Just from your name and location I'm assuming that you are a 24 year old guy living in NYC. Well, I'm a 28 year old living there as well. I was A LOT different when I was 24 then I am now. When I was 24 that's when I was hit with the ultimatium in a similar scenario. She was "OK" with our situation but after a year she grew tired of it and I told her I wasn't ready. She got out of the car and I haven't heard from her since except in a weak moment where I tried to contact her when I was going through one of those "what does it all mean stages" after my ex-fiance and I broke up. Her response: "I never want to hear from you again". This was my old high school "sweetheart" so to speak as well, so it definetly hurt. I just don't want you to go through what I went through because it sucks. However, being a guy in NYC in his mid-twenties does offer a lot of temptations so I do know where you are coming from. I just want you to know what the ramifications could be down the line... I learned from that Ultimatium situation and have decided with this new girl that I wasn't going to let a good thing pass me by. And that's all part of growing up and gaining experience. A couple years ago, I would've acted differently.
Author thatguy85 Posted January 4, 2010 Author Posted January 4, 2010 Just from your name and location I'm assuming that you are a 24 year old guy living in NYC. Well, I'm a 28 year old living there as well. I was A LOT different when I was 24 then I am now. When I was 24 that's when I was hit with the ultimatium in a similar scenario. She was "OK" with our situation but after a year she grew tired of it and I told her I wasn't ready. She got out of the car and I haven't heard from her since except in a weak moment where I tried to contact her when I was going through one of those "what does it all mean stages" after my ex-fiance and I broke up. Her response: "I never want to hear from you again". This was my old high school "sweetheart" so to speak as well, so it definetly hurt. I just don't want you to go through what I went through because it sucks. However, being a guy in NYC in his mid-twenties does offer a lot of temptations so I do know where you are coming from. I just want you to know what the ramifications could be down the line... I learned from that Ultimatium situation and have decided with this new girl that I wasn't going to let a good thing pass me by. And that's all part of growing up and gaining experience. A couple years ago, I would've acted differently. Right... So I definitely will have to figure out whether or not I want to date her exclusively. I just don't want to treat her unfairly or play her or anything like that
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