her_halo_slipped Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 This is just a general question to anyone who has been in an affair. When you realise it had to end and why? Did you then end it? How long did it take to end it? Regrets?
OWoman Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 This is just a general question to anyone who has been in an affair. When you realise it had to end and why? Did you then end it? How long did it take to end it? Regrets? For most of my As... I realised they had to end when that particular MM no longer popped up spontaneously to the top of my "who do I want to see now?" list. If I hadn't called them in a while, I realised they no longer excited me as much, that I could happily get by without seeing them, and that it was time to remove them from my contacts list. Which is what I did - deleted their number/s from my cellphone. A over. No, I didn't bother to tell them - the dynamic of the A was that I'd call them when I wanted to see them; it was not their place to intrude onto my life. So, over time, they must simply have absorbed the message via osmosis. There were one or two that involved physical break-ups: MMs who crossed the line, either by falling in love with me, or by leaving their Ms, or by wanting more than I was prepared to invest. They were told outright that they'd broken the terms of the agreement, and thus rendered the agreement null and void, and consigned themselves to history. Goodbye! My last A... I decided had to end when we both came to realise we wanted to change the terms. We both wanted more - we wanted to be together full-time, long-term. We discussed how that might work, explored options and chose what looked best, made plans for how that could happen and then put those into action. The A ended by his moving out, separating from his W. At that point we became openly GF and BF, and a few months later I moved in with him. Once his D was through we M - so I guess that was the final ending of the A.
JoyDevine Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 This is just a general question to anyone who has been in an affair. When you realise it had to end and why? When I found the LoveShack OM/OW forum! Married first love found me, I fell hard again. I was feeling a little uncomfortable anyway. It was only a little over a month. I found this place and started reading stories. Did you then end it? Yes. How long did it take to end it? 3 or 4 tries at NC. He talked me out of it. Finally it stopped. Regrets? Yes. Saved by the LS ...
WhereToGoFromHere Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 When the good times are fewer than the bad. When there is more pain than happiness. Wait, that's now. I'm hoping I have the courage to end it this week and say "Goodbye" for the last time. We'll see if I really do it, but I need my life back and can't go on like this anymore. Stay tuned.
tami-chan Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 When he asked to marry me and divorced his wife-I felt blindsided and was totally unprepared. I realized I have never imagined growing old with him.
jennie-jennie Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 For sure not yet, still having fun four years later! If nothing changes til our five-year mark I will stop being exclusive with him though and go for multiple lovers again. My ex visited during Christmas, and he was very nice.
Luckyluss Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 I Agree w/ WhereToGoFromHere that it was when the pain outweighted the happiness. I lasted 5 months. The straw that broke up my A is when we made plans to be together for part of winter break and he didn;t get back to me within the agreed time line. I had to ask him what he finally decided, and as he waffled along without a clear answer I realized that he knew all along he wasnt going to be avaialble for me. He finally said "maybe at the last minute we can wing up something - I have to see what my wife's exact plans are". I then realized that my holiday with him, any future time together, and any of my precious time off would be forever dictated by a perfect stranger he claimed to want to leave and made his life miserable - just a claim. I didn;t stand a chance. And I ended it there and then, just before Thankgiving. Without a second thought, I told him to go take care of his family and to leave me alone. It's been over 6 weeks, never heard from him since, I'm in such pain at times that i can barely function, but I knew that this was the only choice, the right choice. Either the affair with someone I adored, or my sanity. I chose my sanity, and I feel dead inside, but I will never be second in someone's life. For that, no regrets. No one will ever stare lovingly into my eyes and start a sentence with "My wife...." NEVER. I wish the same for you.
StoptheDrama Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 When I could no longer take the drama, games, nonsense, hot/cold, charming/cruel, manipulation and control...I had ended it numerous times but had always gone back until the last time. I'd had it; didn't recognize myself any longer and knew I had to extricate myself from this clusterf**k I had helped to create.
fooled once Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 This is just a general question to anyone who has been in an affair. When you realise it had to end and why? When I knew he wasn't leaving his wife and I knew I couldn't live any longer "waiting" - putting my life (love life) on hold. Also when I found out he was lying about leaving his wife. Did you then end it? I did. Well, technically, he did by moving and not telling me LOL but when he called me 12 hours after he left and begged me to forgive him for leaving and that he was "just" going to get his wife settled and would be back I told him I didn't care and we were done. How long did it take to end it? In all honestly, he moved back in with his wife in September, telling me it would only before 2 weeks. Then each month, he feed me new "dates" he would be moving out. By Halloween, by Thanskgiving, after the Holidays, after the Final 4, by Easter, by Summer .... I believe ALL except the "by Summer" which was told to me in May. In June, I started surfing online dating sites. I told him, he begged me to give him more time. I told him almost 2 years had passed and 9 months since he was only moving in for 9 months. I was done waiting. IF I was still available after he took care of HER needs (and they shared no children, all their children from previous marriages were grown and not in the areas; whereas I had an 8 year old and was robbing Peter to pay Paul due to not making enough to pay my mortgage and all my other bills because I was STUPID and cut my ex's c/s in half) and I was amazed at how he was more worried about HER - she made $100K a year, I made $32k and was raising a child. I knew it was time - hell, past time. Regrets? Nope. He called regularly after he moved with her in late June (after promising me he would be back as soon as he got her settled) and I had moved on and was dating. Yes, it was hard. First couple dates were a disaster. Then, in late July/early August, I started emailing my now H. The MM I was having an affair with found out I had MET someone and promised to fly back that week - sending me his flight itinerary and asking if I could pick him up and if he could stay with me and I told him NO - no I wasn't picking him up, no he couldn't stay with me and NO, I didn't want to see him, not even for dinner). I was married the following April and while we have had steplife/blending families issues, BEST decision I ever made
ContemplatingTheEnd Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 When the good times are fewer than the bad. When there is more pain than happiness. Wait, that's now. I'm hoping I have the courage to end it this week and say "Goodbye" for the last time. We'll see if I really do it, but I need my life back and can't go on like this anymore. Stay tuned. WhereToGoFromHere, I am in a similar boat as you right now I think. I have been with MM for almost 10 months and things are starting to weigh on me. I have written a nearly 700-word letter as to why I need to end it (essentially, my feelings have grown to the point where I want to be with him yet I know that's not possible). I don't know if I have the strength to send it to him, but if I do, I think there will be no turning back. There is a point when you're so vulnerable to someone else, that you don't want that person to see you again. At least that's what I'm hoping will happen... I hope you are strong enough to end yours as well. I am already missing him. But in a way, aren't we always missing them? Not getting enough of what we want? As to answer the original question, I agree that it's when the bad outweighs the good but it's hard to gauge that when the foundation of the relationship is bad (= affair). You should end it when one is wanting more out of the arrangement than the other. And the other is unwilling to go that direction. Hopefully the A ends because of some of these reasons and not anyone getting caught...
Heather1 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 I agree, it should (and usually does) end when one or the other wants "more." This isn't really my case, I don't really want more. I think in my case, I don't want "less" either. He treated me REALLY well before the PA. If I could mesh the way it was then, with the incredible sex, I'd be golden. I told him I was done w/ the sex, because I need a little of both. So unless things change, I'm done.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 it ended for me when he chose her and hurt me in ways i could never forgive. there was too much damage to go back.
WhereToGoFromHere Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 I hope you are strong enough to end yours as well. I am already missing him. But in a way, aren't we always missing them? Not getting enough of what we want? I hope so too, and I hope you are too. Yes, I've done the same things. I've written a really long letter that I'm debating on if I can send to her or not. I miss her too, I always do. The pain is the majority of this relationship now. I'm only happy when I've got her time and that seems to be less and less. I keep waiting and waiting for the next time. Its no way to live. I'm letting life pass me by.
wheelwright Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 This is just a general question to anyone who has been in an affair. When you realise it had to end and why? Did you then end it? How long did it take to end it? Regrets? It ended when he chose to try to reconcile with his W. He ended it emotionally for me by doing that. There was a kiss two weeks later that meant nothing to me. I ended the PA at that point. If I had made the choice to end it I would have had regrets. That's how I ended up in an A in the first place really. I could see not being with this MM on some intimate level would have caused grave regrets. I have no regrets that the A ended. I hate deceit. But I regret that this didn't end up being a definitive experience in my history as a lover, but more of a learning experience. I wanted, felt compelled towards the former. Turned out I was wrong. I regret being wrong.
DrIndigo Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 It hasn't ended yet, but I did set an internal deadline for ending it and am making plans to move to another city if MM isn't ready to get a divorce by the time I'm able to move. I decided to do that the day I realized what it would do to him if we were caught by his W before he finally worked up the courage to leave her. We had one D-Day early in our relationship and the guilt MM felt over hurting his W so badly caused him to agree to end the separation they had entered into (at his request). She called one day while he was with me, and he sounded so nervous on the phone that she got really suspicious. I watched him worry about whether she knew the truth and realized that if we got caught again, he'd probably never get over it. At that moment, I decided to be much more careful, tell MM we had to take a break, and make plans to leave the relationship altogether in the near future.
Brokenlady Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 (edited) When I started feeling I'd be happier alone than with his constant indecision. That was about a year before he moved out. I left several times in there, but got pulled back in with all kinds of lofty promises. Officially the A ended when he moved out and got divorced, but the way it felt - the affair didn't end until a few weeks ago. It hit me like a thunderbolt to the gut when I realized he'd called to yell and me because his xW found out we were engaged. And despite what he said at the time, I KNEW he lied to her and told her we weren't engaged. I was awake most of the night but when the phone woke me a few hours later and his xW confirmed this, as well as a few other choice details (despite some lies she told just to hurt me mixed in there), any lingering doubts I had vanished. And something else changed too - I used to feel really sorry for his xW, terrible guilt because she didn't really know what kind of man she was dealing with and she pined after him. He was going to take his secrets to his grave (that we had a long-standing physical affair before he moved out, and the many ways he did cruel, passive-aggressive things to her without her knowledge, etc), but after I told her everything and she STILL went running and begging for him back, I just shake my head and no longer feel responsible for her choice to waste her life on him from here forward. I'm taking my ball and going home. Those two aren't my problem anymore. It is a relief just being able to say that. Edited January 6, 2010 by Brokenlady
Hazyhead Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 I'm taking my ball and going home. I love this I don't mean to dismiss the severity of your situation BL, but this analogy made me smile.
skylarblue Posted January 13, 2010 Posted January 13, 2010 I realized that I had to end the A about 4-6 into it simply because I was not looking for a long-term A. The longest A I’d had with a MM was 3months which is my cut-off limit. However, I’ve now been seeing my MM for 6yrs this year. I can’t even believe I’ve been here this long. I don’t know how long it’ll take for me to end it. Every time I think I’d ready to end it, he does something (not purposefully) that’s draws me right back in. I want to end it but then I don’t want to. He doesn’t want it to end “ever”. Overall, I know I have to. Now I just have to figure out how.
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