nic22 Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Any advice or suggestions are appreciated - i am a little losted and cannot discuss with friends and family. my partner proposed to me last night, i was totally surpprised and lost for words. i love him, we have been together for 4 years but i am only 21 years old. I said "Oh my god"..... then nothing as he said "I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. I have something to ask you" He got down on one knee and said "Will you marry me?" As I had just been getting ready in the bathroom for going out to tea, we are on holiday at a hotel. I am not ready for the question and said "Um, yes". He was not impressed by my response and i understand but there was no build up, no indication that he was looking to ask this soon, i was expecting in 12 months or so as i am only 21! We talked and he is crushed as i told him i am not ready but love him. as i was so shocked, the moment that was meant to be romantic turned ugly. you could say that things have been icey while site seeing today. I also am troubled as the ring is beautiful but not what i would have picked -- i am fussy, selfish and ungrateful. i want him to see what i do but i am scared i have now recked this moment forever. He said he would put the ring away for a while, forget last night ever happened.. i wish he would return the ring and last night never happened but of course this is a little hard to say!! Please any advice or similar stories let me know. thank you
Ronni_W Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 (edited) Hugs, nic. It sounds as if maybe he does understand your position (after his initial letdown), so you both might still be able to recover from the experience. I would suggest truckloads of humility and sensitivity. First, I'd let him know how much you love him and how romantic his proposal was; that you realize he obviously went to great lengths and you do appreciate how much thought he put into it. You could then say that you're sorry that your response came more out of 'shock and fear'; that you would have liked your psyche to be able match the romance of the moment. But. You're also taking it as a sign that you're not ready for such a big step, and perhaps that just is an "age-thing". You could ask him how he feels about returning the ring, for now. Say that you're kinda thinking that, in the future, this one is going to be a reminder to you of what an idiot you used to be when you were 21 (something like that...humble and a bit of a lighthearted jab at yourself.) You could go on... Say that you're sure it'll end up being a funny story to tell your kids and grandkids but right now...well, you're more just dying from embarrassment and scared that you effed it all up. (Here's where, hopefully, he interrupts you and says, "Aw, Honey. It's fine. I understand." And you respond, "See? THAT'S why I love you so much...you're so understanding and forgiving and <all his excellent qualities>!") As for eventually getting a ring that is more in keeping with your personal style and preference. Start collecting pics and, in about 6 months, give him the folder with a humble, "If you ever find the courage to propose to me again <shy laugh>...I figured the least I could do is save you the anxiety of having to choose another ring...if and whenever...no pressure about the timing." Or. Just suggest that you'd love to go ring shopping with him...perhaps with a sentiment of it not being fair that he has to do it by himself, a second time. IMO. If you express your genuine fears (that you'll come across as not loving him or appreciating his efforts, as being insensitive, ungrateful), there's more chance of a smooth recovery. Trust him that if you're open and honest, it'll work out better than if you just start harbouring negative thoughts that will drag down your self-esteem. So also...STOP telling yourself that you are "fussy, selfish and ungrateful." You're aware that you're not ready to be engaged, and you know your personal style, taste and preferences in jewelry. Awareness and self-knowledge are GOOD things, yes? Best of luck. Edited January 4, 2010 by Ronni_W
mem11363 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 I have to say this is the perfect way to handle the situation. Hugs, nic. It sounds as if maybe he does understand your position (after his initial letdown), so you both might still be able to recover from the experience. I would suggest truckloads of humility and sensitivity. First, I'd let him know how much you love him and how romantic his proposal was; that you realize he obviously went to great lengths and you do appreciate how much thought he put into it. You could then say that you're sorry that your response came more out of 'shock and fear'; that you would have liked your psyche to be able match the romance of the moment. But. You're also taking it as a sign that you're not ready for such a big step, and perhaps that just is an "age-thing". You could ask him how he feels about returning the ring, for now. Say that you're kinda thinking that, in the future, this one is going to be a reminder to you of what an idiot you used to be when you were 21 (something like that...humble and a bit of a lighthearted jab at yourself.) You could go on... Say that you're sure it'll end up being a funny story to tell your kids and grandkids but right now...well, you're more just dying from embarrassment and scared that you effed it all up. (Here's where, hopefully, he interrupts you and says, "Aw, Honey. It's fine. I understand." And you respond, "See? THAT'S why I love you so much...you're so understanding and forgiving and <all his excellent qualities>!") As for eventually getting a ring that is more in keeping with your personal style and preference. Start collecting pics and, in about 6 months, give him the folder with a humble, "If you ever find the courage to propose to me again <shy laugh>...I figured the least I could do is save you the anxiety of having to choose another ring...if and whenever...no pressure about the timing." Or. Just suggest that you'd love to go ring shopping with him...perhaps with a sentiment of it not being fair that he has to do it by himself, a second time. IMO. If you express your genuine fears (that you'll come across as not loving him or appreciating his efforts, as being insensitive, ungrateful), there's more chance of a smooth recovery. Trust him that if you're open and honest, it'll work out better than if you just start harbouring negative thoughts that will drag down your self-esteem. So also...STOP telling yourself that you are "fussy, selfish and ungrateful." You're aware that you're not ready to be engaged, and you know your personal style, taste and preferences in jewelry. Awareness and self-knowledge are GOOD things, yes? Best of luck.
Author nic22 Posted January 30, 2010 Author Posted January 30, 2010 Thank u for your very nice replies. I was very confused at the time and really appreciated the thoughtful response. We talked about it a little ... Didn't go quite as planned but certainly will try to make him know how much I love him. I hope that even though he said that was his only proposal that he'll try again one day Thanks again
Angel1111 Posted January 30, 2010 Posted January 30, 2010 I also think that discussing this with him with a lot of kindness and understanding is important, but you must also stand your ground. If he can't respect the fact that you're not ready to get married, then your relationship has problems. This will be an excellent test to see what he's really made of. It sounds like he's doing well, though, so that's promising. Please do not get married if you're not ready. As far as the ring is concerned, you're going to need to talk to him about that and let him know that you know that you're really picky and would like the option of shopping with him so that you can either pick it out or give him an idea of what you like.
New_Life08 Posted February 1, 2010 Posted February 1, 2010 Yeah, this is a low blow for a person. I would just explain to him how much you love him, but was caught off guard since there was no build up toward marriage. If you are not ready, you are not ready....but you need to be very mindful of what happened to him. This would be like going on stage for a performance you are nervously excited about (because you practiced hard and got it perfect)... and then you receive a half-ass applause and you can see on their faces that no one was all that impressed. It makes a person think twice before ever putting themselves out there again. As for the ring, I would not express that it wasn't to your liking just yet. Maybe down the road you can mention how you would like to pick out rings together. As for any future proposal....he's probably gonna make you work for it...lol
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