CrestfallenNoMore Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 (edited) Hi, all - I'm in a really good place, and am so happy and grateful about all the blessings I have received and achieved since my ex-husband left me for another woman almost 2.5 years ago. Today, I was unpacking boxes that I had just put in my basement since I moved into the house I purchased in September. And, I came across three journals in one of the boxes. I like to journal my thoughts, and I've been given several throughout the years, so I wanted to see if any of these were blank. As I flipped through one, I came across a journal entry that I had written back in October, 2000, just over a year after I had moved in with my boyfriend/stb husband. I scanned it briefly, and quickly realized that I had illustrated pretty much EVERY SINGLE ASPECT of our relationship that made me feel horrible: his frustration with some of my habits, his dislike for my family, his ability to make me feel that my feelings and thoughts were wrong or inferior, his inability to express his feelings, his conflict avoidance and his superior attitude and expressions that I should really stive to be more like him. It's amazing how time can dull your memories. If you had asked me yesterday what 2000 had been like with him, I would have told you that yes, he was frustrated with the fact that I hadn't yet gotten a stable career and that we had some growing pains, but overall things were great. I'm not chastising myself for continuing on with the relationship and eventually marrying him. He was my first love, and I was naive, he DID love me and I was so insecure at the time that I almost had myself convinced that his concerns WERE my fault. I can see that I didn't totally believe it, as I expressed my frustration and, in a way, I'm glad to know my insight was always there. And now I know not to ignore it again in the future. As one of my friends told me, "You weren't dumb then, either." I feel strange, though, and sad. I hardly ever focus on that time much anymore, but I guess I still have brief periods of time where something like that can grip me and force me to really think about things. I guess I'm not really asking for any advice, just felt like posting what I came across. I'm so glad I have been good about journaling my thoughts. While it's painful that I can no longer, in a way, pretend that things just "disintegrated," it's comforting to know that I really knew all along. Edited January 4, 2010 by CrestfallenNoMore
DenverBachelor Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 I guess I'm not really asking for any advice, just felt like posting what I came across. I'm so glad I have been good about journaling my thoughts. While it's painful that I can no longer, in a way, pretend that things just "disintegrated," it's comforting to know that I really knew all along. When we love someone and share a relationship with them, we embrace both the good and bad qualities of that person. We start out by being very tolerant of their bad qualities or outright pushing them to the sidelines while embracing the good qualities. When we're in a relationship with another, we realize that the other person will never be perfect so both partners will create a wide latitude of give and take. As the relationship progresses, that wide latitude shrinks, but we still look through eyes fogged in love. We'll write about the bad qualities and acknowledge them, but we will still accept the other person for who they are because we're in a relationship with that person and most people will fight to make the relationship grow and survive the tougher times. When we leave the relationship and reflect back on things, we're no longer blinded by those "in love" feelings and we can see the relationship for what it was. That includes looking back at the other person's bad qualities and realizing which ones were the impetus for the eventual failure of the relationship. We'll give someone that's in our hearts the benefit of the doubt far sooner than someone outside of our hearts. History may be absolute, but our perceptions of the past will shift as we move in and out of emotions.
threebyfate Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Hey CFNoMore, I totally get where you're coming from. If you recall my story, it took 2 years of pursuit, before I agreed to a first date with the ex. I didn't even like him when I first met him, due to all kinds of red flags which he convinced me, I had misjudged him. Apparently not... And YES! It's comforting to know that you knew all along. AND, you want to kick yourself for not listening to your gut instincts. But it does prove that your gut can be relied on. Maybe you too, can learn to anchor to your gut, like I did. When those alarm bells ring, look both ways before you cross. Better yet, don't cross. ((hugs))
HeavenOrHell Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 I'm the opposite, my dairies are full of how good he made me feel and how happy we were.
Author CrestfallenNoMore Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 DB - Good insight, and how true. Yes, TBF, I do remember that. I actually feel really great now. At first, I felt a little sad, reading that, but to know that I had the insight THEN and chose to ignore it helps me realize that I was never a dummy, and wasn't really blindsided like it always felt. Despite the fact that I ignored it, I still really feel a sense of empowerment. I've been afraid that I would experience another relationship like that again and not see the danger signs until way too late, but the truth is that I ALWAYS saw them, and just ignored them. I'm actually grateful now. So grateful that I'm now free to find a man who will love me for me; not someone who will constantly try to mold me into his own perceived perfect image.
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