Single for two years, just felt numb

[chocolate_boy]

Hi guys.

 

I'm an old timer on this site, but been away.

 

Basically to bring you up to speed, I've not posted here since my last breakup in late 2007 (happens to a lot of us I guess, LS is here when we need it though).

 

Condensed story, my live in girlfriend and I moved cross country, she turned out to be cheating on me (more than a few times) and in the end it turned into a very nasty relationship, with my self-esteem being battered to a pulp. I always suspected she was bi-polar, and it was a very very emotional time, full of hurt, betrayal and physical violence from her in the end.

 

Eventually she moved out and I lived alone for almost two years, moving again away to a new city on my own, started a cool new job. Last July I got laid off and decided to take some time out. I dropped my stuff off at my parents place, and went and spent 3 months seeing Europe, Australia etc. It was amazing.

 

Now I just turned 30, I got back home in November and have been living back at home since, its not ideal, but my folks are happy to have me here, and i'm working part/time and freelancing to earn money and keep myself. I said I'd just relax until after xmas and push to get my life back on track in the new year.

 

So now we're here, tasks for this month are really concentrate on my career, learn new skills and apply for heaps of jobs so I can move out/away again and get my independence back. Living at home for too long at age 30 just feels bit odd, even though my folks are totally cool and let me do whatever.

 

I'm sure I'll be sorted career-wise before too long, and I have a backup, if nothing comes along by March I'm gonna go and travel for a year and work in Australia (already been accepted for a Visa).

 

So, that's the career side of it, personal life though...

 

Since my last horrid relationship, I've remained totally single, had like two one night stands in the last 2 years, but that's it. I've just really felt numb since all that, even all this time later.

 

I'm not into the ex at all now, we don't speak, but I've just had no real desire to meet anyone else, I think I'm coming more to terms with the fact that I just don't feel good enough anymore. Which I know is sad.

 

Fair enough, right now isn't ideal, I'm a semi-unemployed 30 year old who lives with mom, not much of a catch, but even 6 months ago when I was earning big bucks working in the big city, I just haven't felt very attractive or dared to want to meet anyone.

 

I have started to feel a bit lonely recently, maybe cos I've turned 30 and a lot of my buddies are getting engaged/kids etc.

 

I'm a good looking guy (not being vain) I know I am, and I've had a great life/career otherwise (despite the setbacks at the moment), I'm intelligent and well spoken, heck when I do speak to girls they often don't believe I'm single, but the moment they get flirty I just don't react, I don't know if I'm scared of if I'm just genuinely not interested in love any more.

 

I used to be such a romantic ten years ago. Since I've been back home I've chatted a bit to a childhood sweetheart of mine, we were together back at college in the late 90s, she was telling me how great of a boyfriend I was, and reminded me all the little things I used to do, write her poems, talk her on romantic days out, leave her little presents etc. I'd actually forgotten what it felt like to do all that, and since I have... I miss it.

 

I guess this is probably just a bit of a self pity thread, but it almost feels like I've either forgotten how to love, or am too dead inside to ever get it again. The thought of being in a relationship again makes me feel quite claustrophobic and sick in my stomach almost. But thinking back to the good relationships I have, I almost get teary eyed because I miss being that guy.

 

I don't know if anyone's been through similar, or how you got over it?

[Hot Carl]

I'm in the same boat, as far as the numbness goes. It's been longer for me, and I have had one or two more failed relationships than you have. But I know the feeling. It concerns me the same way. I'm not supposed to feel like this, and it's not how I want my life to be.

 

I also know the feeling of not being good enough. It's an easy inference to make from the relationships that went wrong and the ways they failed. I was never cheated on though. I think that would be a much deeper shock than any single one I experienced. But however they end, after a while you can't really take any more.

 

You probably suspect that you have built up some serious emotional walls, and maybe they are getting in the way of the life you want to lead. I'm sure it's true. How you take them down, I'm not sure. You'd think a good woman could come in and help you deconstruct them. I've had opportunities with good women. And when they want to get close, I build the defenses stronger. So those opportunities don't exist anymore.

 

I frankly don't let anyone get close to me anymore. Friends, family, women, you name it. Closeness makes me feel uncomfortable. Maybe I have a more advanced case than you have. The lesson you can learn from me is you can have it worse. And you probably should do what you can to keep it from getting that way.

[tigereyes1428]

hey - was very touched by what was written by chocolate boy, was very honest and heartfelt - perhaps your just not ready to love like you have never been hurt yet, and from a womans point of view i would not care if you lived at home or had job or whatever as long as you had confidence and ambition and rocked my world i'd cherish you. x

[Crazy Magnet]

I have been there, and we are the same age. When my marriage fell apart, I went completely batty. The next three years I was in relationships (2) but I never "felt" the way I did before I got married. I was terrified that my exH somehow squashed all the romance out of me. After a self imposed hiatus on dating for a bit I made the conscious decision to go out there and just throw caution to the wind. Sure, I may get hurt, but I know the romantic part of me is still in there and I want to give someone my all.

 

I even did online dating. WOW. Wild and interesting, but it reminded me of what a great girlfriend I am, and someday I'll be a great wife. It's not my fault my husband was crappy, and the other guys I date should not have to pay for his mistakes. They deserve the sweet, loving, romantic me, and it's up to me to ensure I am confident enough in myself to be that.

 

I have no idea if this makes sense to you or if it helps any. But I hope you can build your confidence up again and get back out there. It sounds like you have a lot to offer. It took me two more crappy relationships, two years of therapy, and a self imposed dating hiatus to really put myself out there again. I'm sure I'll struggle with it from time to time, but I'm so darn optimistic that I can't help but think it will all work out in the end.

[freestyle]

Have you considered IC?

 

If your last relationship ended with betrayal, and even deteriorated to the

point of physical violence,(so sorry you went through that), then the healing process can be a very long road.

 

I know , you said it's been two years, but if you've kept your feelings swept under the rug all this time, distracting yourself instead of dealing

with the fallout, well.........

 

.......you still have a lumpy rug to deal with. At some point, you've got to come to terms with it before you can truly move on. You have youth and resilience on your side, use it to your advantage...............

[chocolate_boy]

Hey guys, thought I'd drag this sorry thread up again, as decided it's time to do something about it.

 

Annoyingly I got speaking to an old flame from a few years ago (not the ex in the story), and have started to have some feelings for her, which would be ok, but she's just started dating another guy. Big signal to back off there, but at least it does mean I'm interested in caring for someone in that way again.

 

Determined to get my love-life on track again now though, but just bit confused where to start.

 

I seriously seem to bum out with every girl I meet these days, it's odd. Maybe I'm going to the wrong places, most of my ex's have been friends through uni/work or via friends, at the moment my social life is pretty lame, so it's usually just random chicks in bars I meet, who are usually there to reject guys who try it on with them, or just interested in a quick hook up.

 

Just feeling bit lost, like I'll be single for ever, this is harder than I thought a few years ago!

 

Even considered trying on-line dating, but unsure about its success rate? I've had buddies that tried it and considered it a big waste of time.

Edited June 8, 2010 by chocolate_boy

[chocolate_boy]

I have been there, and we are the same age. When my marriage fell apart, I went completely batty. The next three years I was in relationships (2) but I never "felt" the way I did before I got married. I was terrified that my exH somehow squashed all the romance out of me. After a self imposed hiatus on dating for a bit I made the conscious decision to go out there and just throw caution to the wind. Sure, I may get hurt, but I know the romantic part of me is still in there and I want to give someone my all.

 

I even did online dating. WOW. Wild and interesting, but it reminded me of what a great girlfriend I am, and someday I'll be a great wife. It's not my fault my husband was crappy, and the other guys I date should not have to pay for his mistakes. They deserve the sweet, loving, romantic me, and it's up to me to ensure I am confident enough in myself to be that.

 

I have no idea if this makes sense to you or if it helps any. But I hope you can build your confidence up again and get back out there. It sounds like you have a lot to offer. It took me two more crappy relationships, two years of therapy, and a self imposed dating hiatus to really put myself out there again. I'm sure I'll struggle with it from time to time, but I'm so darn optimistic that I can't help but think it will all work out in the end.

 

Must have missed your post back in January when I first posted, but that's an inspiring post. Would you suggest on-line dating then?

[chocolate_boy]

Just to add, luckily career is on track, got a new place, and a cool job now, so happy with that, no longer in mom and dad's basement. But it also brings new challenges, I've moved to a city alone where I don't really know anyone.