Known someone for close to 13 years... now they ignore me... Why?

[tlind]

Okay, first this person is my best friends sister. I've known this family for close to 13 years and have harbored feelings for this girl for a few years now before deciding to tell her (she's 21 now, she has and still does have the same b/f at the time I told her - and quite honestly I don't know what these feelings mean, because I have never thought of her in "that way", I just know that I care about her a lot). She seemed okay with it, smiling a lot - but I knew she had a boyfriend, and wasn't expecting anything other then her being okay with me liking her - and I think she was.

 

Anyways, her ex (a semi friend of mine) started asking questions about her that I was avoiding answering, but he suggested we go get a bite/drink which we did. Now shame on me for drinking, because the lips get loose, and after a few "cold ones" he started asking questions, and steering the conversation a certain way, and I was saying things I never meant, and made a few stupid drunk jokes. I told him I was really drunk and said stupid things I never meant, and he told me secrets die with him, all be it, with a gleam in his eye.

 

So, anyways he turns around and tells this girl everything I apparently said. Now while I am still best friends with her brother, she pretends I don't exist and won't acknowledge me or look at me whenever we cross paths. I sent her a text asking about it and she responded that she was so shocked by the things that were told to her that she is pushing the other guy away (so why me to?), and that she never said anything mean or rude about me to him, all the best. Then she tells me she wants to help me and my problems - not sure what that means, but later said that she's sorry about all this junk, it isn't needed, it's totally bull ****, but whatever karma's a bitch. Night. Since then she's basically ignored me and acts as if I don't exist.

 

Now I realize I said stupid things, but they weren't intended to be mean or rude (I've tried to explain this to her) - I care to much about her to ever want my words or actions to hurt her, but having her ignoring me now just hurts to much. I was told just give it time - it's been six months but it still hurts a lot, and I tried to tell her that I just wanted to be a friend for her, when I told her all those months ago, but she still ignores me, her b/f went as far as telling me he knows people that blow up cars like mine, and who put guns to peoples heads - I actually smiled when I heard this, but not sure why.

 

Now I do have a life outside of this, but whenever my mind has a moment to rest, it instantly goes back to this stupid situation. I genuinely care about her, and want to be her friend (even if I never date her - I just want her to be happy), but realize there is nothing I can do anymore other then praying that she is safe and is happy in her life, while leaving her alone (it just sucks that I no longer matter to her after knowing her for over 12 years).

 

My friend/her brother just avoids the whole thing and says you just gotta give it time and learn to get over ****, but having to avoid going to their house because she is there, keeps hurting me, so I don't even know how I can be friends with my best friend anymore either (he was surprisingly happy when I told him that I liked his sister). It sucks because that family was nicer to me then my own family was, and now I'm not allowed over when she's there because of one stupid drunk night and a backstabbing "friend", why does one stupid night of stupid drunk jokes have to f**k me over with so many people that I care about?

 

So I'm at a point where I now feel that I need to push my friend away - but none of this is his fault, but at the same time I don't want to keep hurting over this. He thinks that after awhile me and his sister might start talking again, but my mind disagrees with him (my mind fights me on this the whole way).

 

So what do you guys think? Why is she still pushing me away? What should I do about my best friend?

[Boundary Problem]

A true friend would be pissed, and then find their way back to talk about it at some point. ie within a month. Same with the sister.

 

If they aren't true friends, they use it as an excuse to bail. Sometimes it just isn't a good fit and you have to let go. Tends to mean you are going in different directions/paths, and that is OK. Just keep moving forward.

 

We all say things when we are drunk that we shouldn't say. Just know that about yourself and only get drunk with people you really trust.

[Ronni_W]

I think your friend/her brother is giving you solid counsel, based on how well he knows his own sister and, we could guess, likely also based on the two of them having a convo or two about this whole mess that you started.

 

You got drunk -- or pretended to get drunk(?) -- and then you dissed his sister for whatever reason was in your head at the time.

Hopefully you've already offered full apologies to your friend and his sister, and asked if/how you can make amends.

 

But you didn't JUST get drunk, or pretend it, and then dis her -- you went and did that with somebody who is within their/your crowd.

Did you really not expect a negative outcome? What you're experiencing now is merely the consequence of your own foolish antics; you're being held accountable for your own harmful/hurtful behaviour.

...after a few "cold ones" ... I told him I was really drunk and said stupid things I never meant

Honestly? That sounds like you saying that you used the excuse of being drunk before you went ahead and said those "stupid things"...which indicates that you intended to say it. The way you put it, it sounds like you meant to say exactly what you said.

 

In any case, "in vino veritas", yes?

 

So. Count your lessons, take responsibility for your unwise/immature decisions, offer your apologies and try to make amends, and then be patient and ride out the storm as your friend is suggesting. IMO, he is giving you solid counsel.

[tlind]

I think your friend/her brother is giving you solid counsel, based on how well he knows his own sister and, we could guess, likely also based on the two of them having a convo or two about this whole mess that you started.

 

You got drunk -- or pretended to get drunk(?) -- and then you dissed his sister for whatever reason was in your head at the time.

Hopefully you've already offered full apologies to your friend and his sister, and asked if/how you can make amends.

 

But you didn't JUST get drunk, or pretend it, and then dis her -- you went and did that with somebody who is within their/your crowd.

Did you really not expect a negative outcome? What you're experiencing now is merely the consequence of your own foolish antics; you're being held accountable for your own harmful/hurtful behaviour.

 

Honestly? That sounds like you saying that you used the excuse of being drunk before you went ahead and said those "stupid things"...which indicates that you intended to say it. The way you put it, it sounds like you meant to say exactly what you said.

 

In any case, "in vino veritas", yes?

 

So. Count your lessons, take responsibility for your unwise/immature decisions, offer your apologies and try to make amends, and then be patient and ride out the storm as your friend is suggesting. IMO, he is giving you solid counsel.

 

No... I really do say stupid things I don't mean when I am drunk, simply to try and get people to laugh (I just want to be liked - I don't know), I simply never realized that things I never meant would backfire on me, but have totally learned my lesson on this one. Besides why would I lie on here, when everyone is detached from the situation, I would have no benefit from lying to people on this site. I am sincere in the things that I say (when sober, anyways).

[Ronni_W]

No... I really do say stupid things I don't mean when I am drunk,

We all do! I wasn't calling you a liar, though. How you phrased it left open a different interpretation, was all.

If you say that you really were too drunk to know what you were saying when you dissed your friend's sister to your semi-friend/her ex, then I have no reason (or need) to doubt you. As you say, makes no positive or negative difference to me.

 

In any event. Hopefully your friend and his sister will realize that your apologies and remorse are genuine, and will then be able to start their process of forgiveness and being able to trust you again.

 

Best of luck.

[tlind]

We all do! I wasn't calling you a liar, though. How you phrased it left open a different interpretation, was all.

If you say that you really were too drunk to know what you were saying when you dissed your friend's sister to your semi-friend/her ex, then I have no reason (or need) to doubt you. As you say, makes no positive or negative difference to me.

 

In any event. Hopefully your friend and his sister will realize that your apologies and remorse are genuine, and will then be able to start their process of forgiveness and being able to trust you again.

 

Best of luck.

 

I never meant to sound rude, it's just I feel so bad about being so stupid on the whole thing, but realize that maybe time is what is needed now, but maybe that isn't even enough anymore, I don't know - lesson learned regardless of intent I suppose. Thanks for your honest input, that's why I posted here.

[Ronni_W]

No prob -- you didn't come across as "rude". My concern was more that I had come across as accusing you of lying in your original post.

...maybe time is what is needed now, but maybe that isn't even enough anymore

I agree -- you have a more active role to play than just leaving it up to time.

It's still not clear if you have or not but...

If you have not yet taken responsibility for having hurt her and, by extension, put your friend in an awkward spot;

and if you have not yet actually, genuinely apologized to each of them for that (without adding, "but I was drunk and didn't mean it");

and if you have not yet expressed regret for the current state of both the relationships;

and if you have not yet said that you miss the previous closeness and hanging out with your friend...

 

Well...is that something you can see your way clear to doing? (Not that you need to answer here, of course. But if you can't find it in yourself to do your version of an apology, then you could also explore what is it within you that is preventing you. It could turn out to be your 'bonus' lesson. Maybe?)

[whichwayisup]

You have to just let it go and move on.. Maybe one day she will contact you, but until then, let go..

 

really do say stupid things I don't mean when I am drunk,

 

Then maybe it's time you stop drinking if you blurt out things when you're drunk. Being drunk is NOT an excuse for loose lips.. Sorry to say this, but you ARE going to lose alot of trusted friendships if you do that.. And yes, you unfortunately opened up to the wrong person, said things you shouldn't have said - HE is a jerk for repeating what you said, but it still all comes back to you .. If you hadn't told him anything, then you wouldn't be where you are now.

 

Life goes on, as much as you may be hurting, do something constructive to change YOU so this won't ever happen again with someone else.

[tlind]

If you have not yet taken responsibility for having hurt her and, by extension, put your friend in an awkward spot;

and if you have not yet actually, genuinely apologized to each of them for that (without adding, "but I was drunk and didn't mean it");

and if you have not yet expressed regret for the current state of both the relationships;

and if you have not yet said that you miss the previous closeness and hanging out with your friend...

 

It took a long time but I did finally send an apology via e-mail a few weeks ago. Although I never used "but I was drunk and didn't mean it" I did mention that nothing I said was intended to be hurtful or disrespectful, I added a lot more that suggested I was genuinely sorry for all the stuff that transpired all those months ago, and that I hoped one day we could work through this stuff and be friends again. I don't know if she read it, or simply deleted it, but I never got anything back.

 

Now while it still hurts from my end, the moment I hit send, a huge weight seemed to lift off of my shoulders, as an apology was the one thing I felt I still needed to do - oddly enough it was her brother that said - F**k that you did nothing wrong, it's the other guys ass I'm going to kick - you have nothing to apologize for, he was using you to get information out of you, even though you were to stupid to know it, don't apologize. So I held off for a long time.

 

Well...is that something you can see your way clear to doing? (Not that you need to answer here, of course. But if you can't find it in yourself to do your version of an apology, then you could also explore what is it within you that is preventing you. It could turn out to be your 'bonus' lesson. Maybe?)

 

I also think I held off for so long because I truly believed I wasn't in the wrong, that I was used, and finally blamed myself for being so stupid and trusting with everyone claiming to be a best friend. I also held off because I listen to her brothers words to closely - but we are completely different people when it comes to life, and how to act in it, and the apology was bugging the hell out of me, till I finally sent it. I've done everything I believe that I can possibly do now.

[tlind]

You have to just let it go and move on.. Maybe one day she will contact you, but until then, let go..

 

 

 

Then maybe it's time you stop drinking if you blurt out things when you're drunk. Being drunk is NOT an excuse for loose lips.. Sorry to say this, but you ARE going to lose alot of trusted friendships if you do that.. And yes, you unfortunately opened up to the wrong person, said things you shouldn't have said - HE is a jerk for repeating what you said, but it still all comes back to you .. If you hadn't told him anything, then you wouldn't be where you are now.

 

Life goes on, as much as you may be hurting, do something constructive to change YOU so this won't ever happen again with someone else.

 

Like I said in my previous post after sending the apology I seemed to let go, or weight seemed to leave my shoulders - it's a weird feeling.

 

Also drinking is something that I am "famously" known for. Her brother and I actually became friends through drinking, and every time I tell him I want to cut back or not drink, he tries to get me to drink - and I usually end up doing so - and I'll drink alot, and then hate myself for it later that I wasn't strong enough to just say "No, I'm not drinking, leave it alone."

 

But after that incident that f'ed me over all those months ago, with my current ability to drink and block out hours of my life (while doing extremely stupid things), I am seriously getting worried with my drinking and that one day I won't be able to stop (I can drink close to a full bottle of hard alcohol, and wake up without a hangover - this is scary). So my new years resolution was to cut out all drinking. Not even one beer. So far so good, but I worry that my best friend won't respect my wish to quit drinking (time to see how strong our friendship really is) and pressure the hell out of me to keep doing it. If that happens I may have to cut out my hanging out with him so much. I don't want to do that, but I need to stop drinking for myself, as I know it is the right thing to do - I actually vowed I wasn't going to drink after finding out I was screwed over by that "friend", but the brother kept pressuring me to drink. I hope that my will is strong enough to do this, and believe that it finally is!

[whichwayisup]

Also drinking is something that I am "famously" known for. Her brother and I actually became friends through drinking, and every time I tell him I want to cut back or not drink, he tries to get me to drink - and I usually end up doing so - and I'll drink alot, and then hate myself for it later that I wasn't strong enough to just say "No, I'm not drinking, leave it alone."

 

Then stop hanging out with him in bars. Go somewhere else where booze isn't going to be an issue.

 

Somehow YOU need to be in control. No friend can MAKE you do something you really don't want to do. Don't blame him..he's looking for a good time, doesn't care what you feel obviously... If he won't respect your choice in not drinking, then don't be his friend anymore. If he can't be supportive, understanding - That's his loss, not yours. Find people who accept you for who you are.

 

Good luck, and if need be, go to AA.

[Lucky_One]

What exactly was it that you said about this girl? Depending on how bad it was, she may NEVER speak to you again.

 

She also may not be turned on by your drinking habits and your behavior. Are you the sort of person that YOU would want to date?

[Bulbie]

If you know you've got loose lips when you drink you shouldn't be drinking.

 

Could be that she doesn't like your drinkng habits at all, and that she thinks that if you can easily say this stuff when you're drunk (which is no excuse) then you're thinking it when you're sober, you just have the self control to not say it when you're sober.

 

You've got to back off. If she even wants to come back to you, she will, when she's ready.