mommom Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Wow!!! This is really hard!!!! Here it goes.... Been with my husband since 1989. I am at the point where I am ready to go. Tooooo many changes. I have been the traditional subservient wife. I also work as well. I have stuck with this man through thick and thin. Never any physical abuse but just hanging in there with him through his drama. Over and over again. It is too much to list. Many a day my mom, friends and sis have made comments but of course I would tell them to butt out. He basically is a good person but is very hard being married to him. Now that I am older and looking back I should have bailed long ago. So So worried about what folks would think. Now here is the clincher. He is a Minister now!!!! I am expected to be a 1st lady of the church when our denomination gives him a congregation. I totally am not ready for this. This is so not where I want to be at this point in my life. I'd be better off being married to a chameleon because he is always changing! I will say he has kept his same job for many years....but keeping up with the Jones' has gotten us into some serious debt. (I don't know the Jones' by the way!) He says he is serious about ministry but IDK..... I really want out....Don't know how to tell him....he will be devestated. If I met him today.....I would not date him.....Help!
Author mommom Posted January 4, 2010 Author Posted January 4, 2010 Thanks....It has been so difficult.....I really don't want to hurt him....but it is gonna happen... Not to sound vain or anything like that.....but I am extremely smart and drop dead gorgeous and my friends look at me and wonder how I put up with this for so long....you would never think by looking at me. I really have given up so much so that he could reach his goals. Not to mention that he gets into these "egg shell moods" where we have to watch what we say or do because he is feeling crappy. It really gets old quick....He wants us to pray about everything and "have faith"....we can get through. Ok if you say so! I know that he knows he will never find another like me. He really won't. Especially someone that is going to put up with his ways. Ain't gonna happen!
daddypop1 Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Sorry to say, but u do sound vain. What exactly are u looking for here? Never gonna find another like u? How do u know? You said he is pretty much a good man and is just hard to live with. Everyone is hard to live with. Like I said, not really sure what you are looking for. Complete strangers that really know nothing about your situation to tell u that u should leave? Ok u should leave him. There, I said it. All better now?
Steadfast Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Think hard mommom. Think real hard. You're all over the place. First, you say you're mom, sister and friends wonder why you've put up with this guy for so long, then you state you're worried about what people will think. I think, deep down, you're longing to shake what you've got to attract a bad boy for some dirty lovin'. It's no wonder you're un-attracted to your preacher/husband; 'church ladies' don't get to do the nasty, do they? I (or we, speaking of other posters with experience here) have been down this road before with soon-to-be walkaway's. If you're like most, you're mind is made up and you are here looking for validation. I'd never advise 'following your heart' when it means causing pain to others. That isn't the vow you took and it breaks the promises you made. Your word will be worthless. It's too late to say you should have thought of this before you married this man. What he does and how he acts directly effects you and your emotional state, so you better start talking to him and laying it out. But be advised; you won't love him more if you can control him, and you won't love him less if you can't. Just take my advise and look into the crystal ball before you drop the hammer hot stuff. You may not like what you see.
imagine Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Mommom, He needs to get his priorities in order. First God, Second family, Third the Church. Before he take up ministry as a pastor, you must both be in agreement. There are blessings and strains as a Pastors wife. As your HUSBAND he has to get his act in order. A husband comes from the word House Band. The guy who holds the house together. If his house falls apart, he is NO example to the congregation. Read 1Pet3:7 also Col 3:19. Please understand that if he wishes to do these things, it is your task to submit. Your outer beauty is irrelevant at this stage but rather your inner beauty. Speak frankly about your concerns before he makes his decision.
Author mommom Posted January 4, 2010 Author Posted January 4, 2010 Daddy pop I did not mean to sound so vain really I am not. I was simply saying that to say that looking back and even now, I have really been through the ringer with my husband, putting all of my things on the back burner while supporting his endeavors. It has been really hard. It has not until recently in the last two years that I have become vocal and not going along with the program that this has become a problem for him. He often says that you never complained before about this or that. I am tired. Now he wants to be a minister. Got his master's degree and all. He has switched "want he wants to be" over the years and it is tiresome. The preacher thing has been a bombshell!!! I have no desire to be the preachers wife! Sex have nothin to do with it as someone mentioned above. "Being a freak/getting my freak on as the preachers wife". I am beyond sexual issues this is more than that. I do not want the responsibility of it all. Sorry. It is not my thing. Imagine I hear ya. But I feel that if we had dated as a preacher couple ok. But this is not what I want. 1st lady at a little country church? No thank you. This does not discredit my beliefs, spirit, or faith. Some women get off being married to the preacher. More power to them.
Steadfast Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 ...I feel that if we had dated as a preacher couple ok. But this is not what I want. 1st lady at a little country church? No thank you. This does not discredit my beliefs, spirit, or faith. Some women get off being married to the preacher. More power to them. Speaking personally, I am not unsympathetic to your situation but I'm hearing an awful lot of selfishness in your posts. "I" feel...not what "I" want. I know you say you've sacrificed but the nature of your comments suggest you did it with an ulterior motive...hoping to get something in return at some point. That is not sacrifice. That's bargaining. Then again, if your husband isn't returning the love and isn't sacrificing for you, then he's at fault. But, is a job or career grounds for divorce? That's pretty shallow. Instead of divorce, you need marriage counseling. Intensive, start-right-away counseling. State your case strongly mommom; tell your husband it's MC sessions or your done. Give him a chance (and the knowledge) to do something about your happiness. If you've tried all that and he stubbornly refuses to adapt or change, then he has a real problem. Glad to hear you say it isn't about sex, but excuse the doubting. Why else bring up the fact you're 'drop dead gorgeous'? Be honest and let it out. If you can't be honest with a bunch of anonymous strangers, what chance do you stand being honest with your husband? Or more importantly, you? Hang in there and keep us posted-
Gunny376 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Being in the ministry of any faith is and can be exhausting mentally. physically, emotionally. Being the spouse of such takes its toll just as much. Its a 24/7/365 job. If you so much as take a day off to yourself? There will be those that want to know where you been, and why you've not been available to them? As the wife of a minister the OP will not only be living in a glass house ~ but under the glass so to speak? Who in their right mind would want to live as such. Every aspect of their lives is open for scrutiny and circumspect? Even on a good day ~ the spouse of such comes an extension of his ministry. Contrary to popular belief ~ ministers are not saints. They're real people with real problems ~ often compounded by their supposed belief system. Case in point? The Church Of Christ Preacher's wife who killed her husband with a shotgun. For those that don't know? Church Of Christ parishioners belive that dancing is wrong. To join the ministry is more than a career choice ~ its very much a "calling" if you will? For the most part it doesn't pay that well, there is no retirement benefits for the most part, your subject to find yourself out of a job in less than a week or more. Everything you say or do or don't say or do is subject to scrutiny. Yea! Sign me up for forty years of this! To the OP, all of that aside ~ what are the other problems (News Years resolution! Don't subsistute "issues" for the word problem! ) specifically do you have with the DH?
Gunny376 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 "I" feel...not what "I" want. Bought you pencils, books, sent you to school and you still don't know nuthin' This is a woman Stead, women are more emotionally in tune with their emotions than men. Its the way their brains are wired. Its not that they're not logical nor rational, its that their logic and rationality has to be for the most part in lock-step with their feelings. We men really are handicapped in that we've only logic and rationality to work off of. Women have the added benefit of their feelings. Its where they gander women's intuition and why they have a higher EQ (Emotional Intelligence) than men. Its why they can see and perceive things that we men can't. Its why men need women in their lives. Be they wives, girlfriends, or mothers. Women pay closer attention to detail, which is why my WM's (Women Marines) worked inside and my male Marines worked outside. Because the WM's kept my butt out of trouble. Despite what logic and rationality may dictate? If a woman isn't "feeling it" its not going to work. Once you as a male understand this? Your whole world just got a whole lot less complicated. Two signs that should be posted in every martial home! "If Mama ain't happy ~ Ain't no one Happy!" "Do you want to be Right? Are Do you want to be Happy? That's not to say women should have a "free hand" in any and all things. A Man has to be a Man ~ and their going to "bitch test" you from time to time to see if you are?
Steadfast Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Bought you pencils, books, sent you to school and you still don't know nuthin' This is a woman Stead, women are more emotionally in tune with their emotions than men. Its the way their brains are wired. Its not that they're not logical nor rational, its that their logic and rationality has to be for the most part in lock-step with their feelings. We men really are handicapped...*snip* That's always been my problem Gunny...not knowin' nuthin'... You're right of course, and I do try to consider everyone's feelings. Maybe I'm just a bit too sensitive to someone 'dropping the hammer' because I know what it feels like when that sucker makes contact... Lots of us here do. Men and women, obviously. More than anything, I'm feeling pretty good about being -and staying- single. Sure, nothing beats a loving woman, but nothing's worse than a hurtful one. Is it worth it? It's a paradox that I have yet to figure out. You're an inspiration my friend. Always keeping it real-
Gunny376 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 That's always been my problem Gunny...not knowin' nuthin'... You're right of course, and I do try to consider every one's feelings. Maybe I'm just a bit too sensitive to someone 'dropping the hammer' because I know what it feels like when that sucker makes contact... Lots of us here do. Men and women, obviously. More than anything, I'm feeling pretty good about being -and staying- single. Sure, nothing beats a loving woman, but nothings worse than a hurtful one. Is it worth it? It's a paradox that I have yet to figure out. You're an inspiration my friend. Always keeping it real- Going through a divorce is the mental, emotional, physical and financial equivalent of your own personal nuclear war or at least a class five hurricane. Not only is your world, but your perception, your reality is changed forever. You've changed, the world has changed. Forevermore? You will never be the same as you once were! The change is FOREVER! You delve deep inside yourself seeking the answers to the questions, solutions to the problems ~ only to find yourself. WE point a finger at the "other" only to find three fingers pointing at ourselves? We came, we fought only to find that the enemy is ourselves! Conquer yourself and you will need not conquer any other! You never get over it ~ you learn to live with it.
El Ben Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Daddy pop I did not mean to sound so vain really I am not. I was simply saying that to say that looking back and even now, I have really been through the ringer with my husband, putting all of my things on the back burner while supporting his endeavors. It has been really hard. It has not until recently in the last two years that I have become vocal and not going along with the program that this has become a problem for him. He often says that you never complained before about this or that. I am tired. Now he wants to be a minister. Got his master's degree and all. He has switched "want he wants to be" over the years and it is tiresome. The preacher thing has been a bombshell!!! I have no desire to be the preachers wife! Sex have nothin to do with it as someone mentioned above. "Being a freak/getting my freak on as the preachers wife". I am beyond sexual issues this is more than that. I do not want the responsibility of it all. Sorry. It is not my thing. Imagine I hear ya. But I feel that if we had dated as a preacher couple ok. But this is not what I want. 1st lady at a little country church? No thank you. This does not discredit my beliefs, spirit, or faith. Some women get off being married to the preacher. More power to them. Here's what I feel. If you don't want to be a preacher's wife, tell him. You're not obligated to follow him on any path he chooses, you're not mandated to support him whatever he does. You do however need to communicate this to him quite clearly. If he decides to go ahead despite your disagreement, then you can in turn make a decision/offer to leave the marriage. I consider this to be your right. Or you both can work out an arrangement where he's a minister, but his ministerial duties are external to his family/husbandly duties.
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