aerogurl87 Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 My boyfriend of 3 months is 31 years old and lives with his parents. Now at first I could understand why he moved back in, he had to pay $600 a month in insurance and could barely afford living on his own at that point so he moved back home. That was with his old job though, where they had cut off his insurance, but now he has a new job with insurance and making good pay. At first he told me that he was looking around at apartments and houses, trying to save up a bit more than he had so he could find a nice place to move. But that was 3, almost 4 months ago. Yesterday I asked him if he was ever going to move out of his parents house again. He told me that he would eventually, but he was enjoying living at home with his mom cooking him dinner everyday, and he didn't see any rush in moving out. So I'm starting to wonder if this is a red flag. I mean, I'd think that the average 30 year old male would want his own place, especially if he had lived on his own once before. Granted, his parents don't bother him much or try to get into his business, and he does pay them about $500 in rent each month, but I'm starting to wonder if this is a red flag and possibly a sign of him being a "momma's boy".
Author aerogurl87 Posted January 4, 2010 Author Posted January 4, 2010 its a semi-red flag, lets say pink Thanks Porn_Guy. I mean it wouldn't bother me so much except that I would like to ideally get married sometime in the future and he doesn't seem to be aiming for the same goal. This little bit of info is just adding to the evidence that he may be commitment phobic, which is something I don't want.
Art_Critic Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 its a semi-red flag, lets say pink Indeed... I guess in the end what really matters is now that he can afford to move.. Will he ?
xpaperxcutx Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Thanks Porn_Guy. I mean it wouldn't bother me so much except that I would like to ideally get married sometime in the future and he doesn't seem to be aiming for the same goal. This little bit of info is just adding to the evidence that he may be commitment phobic, which is something I don't want. Remember that Matthew McConaughey film " Failure To Launch"? It had potential, but the plot was slightly disappointing. You get the gist though right? It doesn't make him a commitment phobe, but it does tell you that at his age he doesn't have his priorities straight. Instead of moving forward, he's moving backwards. I have a good friend who recently moved back in with his parents ( he's 26) but that was because he was renting an apartment before and had broken up with his gf. He pays rent, but despite the security of living at him, he's already looking for a new place, and is moving out in the coming month.
Author aerogurl87 Posted January 4, 2010 Author Posted January 4, 2010 Indeed... I guess in the end what really matters is now that he can afford to move.. Will he ? I asked him that last night Art_Critic and he said that as of now he's happy staying with his parents and isn't in a real hurry to move anywhere. Now the fact that he told me 3 or so months ago that he was in the market for an apartment or house and just recently changed his attitude to being comfy living with his parents is what worries me. I'm starting to feel like he only told me he was looking for a place when we first started dating so I'd stick around.
Ruby Slippers Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 He told me that he would eventually, but he was enjoying living at home with his mom cooking him dinner everyday, and he didn't see any rush in moving out. He's not ready to be an adult. He's stuck in adolescence, as many 30-somethings (and, in some cases, beyond) are these days. Personally, I'd see a large and vigorously waving in the wind red flag.
Art_Critic Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 I'm starting to feel like he only told me he was looking for a place when we first started dating so I'd stick around. By the sounds of it.. yeah.. Do you know that he really can afford to move out on his own ? If he really can than he is just sponging off his parents.. 500.00 a month rent isn't shiot and he is just liking living at home.. People who sponge off their parents never stop doing that to others.. That being said.. if he really still needs his parents help then my advice isn't truly accurate.. but regardless... If his Mom does his laundry or cleans his room then dump his ass.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 I asked him that last night Art_Critic and he said that as of now he's happy staying with his parents and isn't in a real hurry to move anywhere. Now the fact that he told me 3 or so months ago that he was in the market for an apartment or house and just recently changed his attitude to being comfy living with his parents is what worries me. I'm starting to feel like he only told me he was looking for a place when we first started dating so I'd stick around. The question is are you invested? What you with him for? Is he marriage potential? Still, if he had wanted to move, he would even if it means rent is high, and he could find a roommate.
Pizzaman81 Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Judging from your explanation i'd say pink flag. Is he close to his family? Is he taking care of his folks? I had to move back 2 years ago with my parents because their business went out and needed financial help from me to get it back. Actually, is he Asian? If he is then it's rather normal, most stay to save money for a stable future marriage and house for new family. If he's not asian, maybe he thinks like an Asian?
xpaperxcutx Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Judging from your explanation i'd say pink flag. Is he close to his family? Is he taking care of his folks? I had to move back 2 years ago with my parents because their business went out and needed financial help from me to get it back. Actually, is he Asian? If he is then it's rather normal, most stay to save money for a stable future marriage and house for new family. If he's not asian, maybe he thinks like an Asian? Even if he's Asian, he should've at least be married by the age of 30, and he wouldn't be " living at home" he would have his parents move in with him
Pizzaman81 Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Even if he's Asian, he should've at least be married by the age of 30, and he wouldn't be " living at home" he would have his parents move in with him Ya you're right. Haha. Oh how no one understands us
Author aerogurl87 Posted January 4, 2010 Author Posted January 4, 2010 By the sounds of it.. yeah.. Do you know that he really can afford to move out on his own ? Yes I know he can actually afford to live on his own. He makes enough to move out, in fact he keeps joking about how much more money he makes than me and I'm planning to move out in a few months to live with roommates. So if I can do it, I know he definitely can. Not only that, but he has money saved up, so if he really wanted to move out he could do it tomorrow. But for some reason he likes staying with his parents, maybe it's his mom's cooking, I dunno... The question is are you invested? What you with him for? Is he marriage potential? Still, if he had wanted to move, he would even if it means rent is high, and he could find a roommate. Well let's see, I do love him and he knows that. I'd actually consider marrying him maybe one day in the future. Hence why I'm trying to see if this is a big red flag before I fall for him more than I already have.
Star Gazer Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 If he was seriously saving, I wouldn't consider it a red flag. (I still wouldn't date him, because I prefer an already independent man, but it wouldn't be a character flaw.) For example, a friend of mine lived with his parents until 4 years out of law school, so that he could pay off the ginormous student loans he'd accrued in undergrad and law school. I found it annoying, but admirable if he could handle it. Your guy seems to have pulled a bait and switch. He suckered you in with the saving theory, when in reality he's a lazy mama's boy... and guess who he'll be expecting to cook him dinner and "take care of him" next? I say run, and fast.
xpaperxcutx Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Yes I know he can actually afford to live on his own. He makes enough to move out, in fact he keeps joking about how much more money he makes than me and I'm planning to move out in a few months to live with roommates. So if I can do it, I know he definitely can. Not only that, but he has money saved up, so if he really wanted to move out he could do it tomorrow. But for some reason he likes staying with his parents, maybe it's his mom's cooking, I dunno... She probably does his laundry too I bet. Well let's see, I do love him and he knows that. I'd actually consider marrying him maybe one day in the future. Hence why I'm trying to see if this is a big red flag before I fall for him more than I already have. This is where you need to communicate. Ask him where he sees himself 5 years from now and whether he sees marriage in the future. Try not to give him pressure by bringing up " us", but just ask him where he sees himself 5 years from now.
Pizzaman81 Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Yes I know he can actually afford to live on his own. He makes enough to move out, in fact he keeps joking about how much more money he makes than me and I'm planning to move out in a few months to live with roommates. So if I can do it, I know he definitely can. Not only that, but he has money saved up, so if he really wanted to move out he could do it tomorrow. But for some reason he likes staying with his parents, maybe it's his mom's cooking, I dunno... Well let's see, I do love him and he knows that. I'd actually consider marrying him maybe one day in the future. Hence why I'm trying to see if this is a big red flag before I fall for him more than I already have. Hmm... find out for sure why he's continuing to stay. Would you have being concerned if say it's his house, he's paying mortgage, taking care of things (essentially being an independant man), and his folks living there maybe because they need help, etc? I sometimes think society here can't tell the difference between the two.
Author aerogurl87 Posted January 4, 2010 Author Posted January 4, 2010 Hmm... find out for sure why he's continuing to stay. Would you have being concerned if say it's his house, he's paying mortgage, taking care of things (essentially being an independant man), and his folks living there maybe because they need help, etc? I sometimes think society here can't tell the difference between the two. It's his parents house, not his house. I know this for a fact. And I think I'll ask him where he sees himself in five years. Maybe I'll do that sometime this week when we're hanging out. Oh and I wouldn't mind cooking him dinner and being a devoted housewife really as long as he paid all the bills.
Pizzaman81 Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 It's his parents house, not his house. I know this for a fact. And I think I'll ask him where he sees himself in five years. Maybe I'll do that sometime this week when we're hanging out. Oh and I wouldn't mind cooking him dinner and being a devoted housewife really as long as he paid all the bills. Is that your ideal situation? Him working, you staying home wife.. cooking, cleaning etc?
D-Lish Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Even if he's Asian, he should've at least be married by the age of 30, and he wouldn't be " living at home" he would have his parents move in with him Lol, this made me laugh out loud:lmao: It's very true. I moved home to my parents place when I was 38 after I lost my business. It was humiliating, even though I had lost everything with the demise of my business. My parents didn't even live there much as they were residing in another country for my father's job- BUT, it never felt right. My thoughts are that he's becoming far too comfortable there. It's possible that he isn't yet financially ready to move, maybe he isn't making as much money as you might think. Regardless, it should still be a goal for him. Do you get along with his mother? lol.
Author aerogurl87 Posted January 4, 2010 Author Posted January 4, 2010 Lol, this made me laugh out loud:lmao: It's very true. I moved home to my parents place when I was 38 after I lost my business. It was humiliating, even though I had lost everything with the demise of my business. My parents didn't even live there much as they were residing in another country for my father's job- BUT, it never felt right. My thoughts are that he's becoming far too comfortable there. It's possible that he isn't yet financially ready to move, maybe he isn't making as much money as you might think. Regardless, it should still be a goal for him. Do you get along with his mother? lol. Haha yes I get along with his mother when I see her there. His parents are out of town alot of the time, so most of the time he's there by himself and taking care of his mom's cat. D-Lish I wish I could believe he's not financially ready to live on his own, but the fact is he has almost 10k in savings and he makes almost the same amount of money as my father. So yeah, I think he may be just too comfortable with his situation.
Author aerogurl87 Posted January 4, 2010 Author Posted January 4, 2010 Is that your ideal situation? Him working, you staying home wife.. cooking, cleaning etc? In my ideal world, yes that would work great for me.
D-Lish Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Haha yes I get along with his mother when I see her there. His parents are out of town alot of the time, so most of the time he's there by himself and taking care of his mom's cat. D-Lish I wish I could believe he's not financially ready to live on his own, but the fact is he has almost 10k in savings and he makes almost the same amount of money as my father. So yeah, I think he may be just too comfortable with his situation. Hmmm, okay, well at least you know he puts emphasis on "family" as a value, lol.
Author aerogurl87 Posted January 4, 2010 Author Posted January 4, 2010 Hmmm, okay, well at least you know he puts emphasis on "family" as a value, lol. Ugh yes, lol. Well that's one good thing I guess. I dunno, I think I'm gonna take xpaperxcutx's advice and ask him where he sees himself in five years. If it's somewhat similar to my goals then I'll stick it out. I do love being with him and he's a great guy. I just don't like the fact that he won't move out of his parents' house.
Art_Critic Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 I do love being with him and he's a great guy. I just don't like the fact that he won't move out of his parents' house. That's great AG... I would like to add that don't be afraid of telling him your hesitancy of him not wanting to be on his own and speaking with him about how he feels about that. Nothing wrong with talking about these types of things.. that is what relationships and finding someone with your desires and goals is all about..
D-Lish Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Ugh yes, lol. Well that's one good thing I guess. I dunno, I think I'm gonna take xpaperxcutx's advice and ask him where he sees himself in five years. If it's somewhat similar to my goals then I'll stick it out. I do love being with him and he's a great guy. I just don't like the fact that he won't move out of his parents' house. Welll honestly Aero, he may be feeling a little too comfortable where he is, but it's something he has to make the decision about on his own. I suspect that if your relationship is good, and he knew that his situation would be a deal breaker that he would make the necessary changes. He may be saving to buy a house instead of being a renter- which would be okay in the grand scheme of things. It could be worse for sure. If he doesn't see himself out of his parents house in 5 years- I hope you REALLY, REALLY like his mom.
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