How to tell this guy I've been dating on and off I just want to be friends?

[thats what i said]

I met this guy at one of the places I work at a about 6 months ago and we became friends and eventually he asked me out. I had a lot of fun with him but was just getting over a hard breakup at the time and so wasn't looking for anything serious. We went out a second time a week or two later and again, it was fun, but I was also seeing other people too. By the 3rd time he asked me out, I let him know (to be fair to him) that I wasn't looking for anything serious yet and was dating other people too. He told me he respected me for being so honest but couldn't see me if that's what I wanted to do. I was a little sad, but fully respected his decision. By the way, he never kissed me. I think it's because he's really, really respectful and a little shy.

 

Fast forward 2 months later and he calls me wanting to see how I've been. After a few minutes I asked him if he wanted to hang out. But, let him know that I understood it would be as just friends since I knew how he felt about dating. He told me it didn't have to be as just friends...

 

So, we go out and he finally gets up the courage to put his arm around me at the movies. But, still doesn't kiss me.

 

Anyway, he wants to go out again for a late new years eve celebration of our own and I can only assume he's going to want to kiss me. Problem is, I've been seeing someone else that I'm really interested in and don't want my feelings to be divided!

 

So how can I let him know that I just want to be friends without hurting his feelings or completely alienating him? I was thinking maybe I just wouldn't say anything at all until I knew for sure which direction things went with this other guy, but I just know that if he does kiss me before I've decided anything, he's going to feel used and abused if I decide afterwards the just friends thing.

 

Sorry for the long post! I just really think he's a great guy and I really want to try to spare his feelings...

[alphamale]

So how can I let him know that I just want to be friends without hurting his feelings or completely alienating him?

call/txt him and cancel the plans and don't see him again. and tell him you have a bf

 

I just really think he's a great guy ...

you mean you think he's a "nice guy"...

[You'reasian]

call/txt him and cancel the plans and don't see him again. and tell him you have a bf"...

 

What? That would require directness and honesty.

 

you mean you think he's a "nice guy"...

 

zactly....

[thats what i said]

Yeah, I guess I've been hesitant because I kinda have him on the back burner, for when I get bored... I just sort of realized that. Am I just cruel for doing that? I mean, he knew I was still seeing other people too...

[alphamale]

Am I just cruel for doing that?

would it be cruel if a guy did that to u?

[You'reasian]

Yeah, I guess I've been hesitant because I kinda have him on the back burner, for when I get bored... I just sort of realized that. Am I just cruel for doing that? I mean, he knew I was still seeing other people too...

 

Be honest. It'll pay off.

[You'reasian]

would it be cruel if a guy did that to u?

 

It takes a rare woman to want to be in an open relationship; otherwise its just mult-dating, games and bs.

[MyNameIsJonas]

So how can I let him know that I just want to be friends without hurting his feelings or completely alienating him? I was thinking maybe I just wouldn't say anything at all until I knew for sure which direction things went with this other guy, but I just know that if he does kiss me before I've decided anything, he's going to feel used and abused if I decide afterwards the just friends thing.

 

Sorry for the long post! I just really think he's a great guy and I really want to try to spare his feelings...

 

Normally I would begin with this response with "think of the guy," but I really think this guy did this to himself. You made all of the clear signals that you were not interested romantically, and he kept going. You shouldn't feel as guilty for putting him in this situation since he more or less did it to himself by not getting the message.

 

That being said, I'm pretty sure at this point it is impossible to communicate this to guy #2 without hurting his feelings.

 

Pick one and move roll with him. I don't think you can salvage both in this situation. Guy #2 doesn't seem to get the message here so you more or less have to lookout for yourself.

 

One thing you should not do is put guy #2 on the backburner in case guy #1 doesn't work out. You should not give guy #2 false hope. Even though he doesn't seem to want to move on, he should, and you shouldn't feel like you owe him because he simply can't accept reality.

Edited January 4, 2010 by MyNameIsJonas
changed some wording

[thats what i said]

would it be cruel if a guy did that to u?

I guess if I had some hope that eventually he would decide he just wanted to be with me, yeah, that would be cruel. And I know that's the only reason that he's okay with "dating" me. Because he thinks eventually I'll change my mind. But the truth is I've met guys (like the one I'm considering getting more serious with) that I just knew I couldn't let get away for stupid reasons.

[You'reasian]

And I know that's the only reason that he's okay with "dating" me. Because he thinks eventually I'll change my mind. But the truth is I've met guys (like the one I'm considering getting more serious with) that I just knew I couldn't let get away for stupid reasons.

 

Be decisive and move forward. The other guy isn't getting it and it will bring you closer to the guy you want.

[thats what i said]

I just don't have the heart (or the guts for that matter) to call him and tell him, but I sent him a text. Hopefully he takes it well!

[You'reasian]

I just don't have the heart (or the guts for that matter) to call him and tell him, but I sent him a text. Hopefully he takes it well!

 

I would've done it face to face or atleast by phone. Yeah, that would suck but it would be solid.

[MyNameIsJonas]

I just don't have the heart (or the guts for that matter) to call him and tell him, but I sent him a text. Hopefully he takes it well!

 

I'm not holding my breath because it seems that he refuses to accept the fact that you aren't interested in him in that way.

 

You did all you can do, and to be honest, more than most women in your position would do. Pat yourself on the back for that.

[sagetalk]

By the way, he never kissed me. I think it's because he's really, really respectful and a little shy.

 

But, still doesn't kiss me.

 

I've been seeing someone else that I'm really interested in and don't want my feelings to be divided!

 

Sorry for the long post! I just really think he's a great guy

 

Gentlemen get out your notes, Professor Sagetalk is about to give you a lesson in women 101 (I'm a student as well ).

 

He never kissed her after three dates. This has nothing to do with him being too nice, too skinny, too fat, too poor, too anything. She wanted a kiss and he didn't deliver. She described him as shy which as anyone who's posted here for even a day knows that means shy="yuck" to women.

 

She's seeing someone else. Now how much you wanna bet that other guy kissed her.

 

In dating you have a very small window of opportunity in the beginning. The hotter the girl, the smaller the window (hotter the girl = more guys going after her). Odds are one of those guys is skilled, so you better pull the trigger. If you like a girl, do something that gets her in the mind set of not wanting her feelings divided so she can be with you. You cannot do that by talking to her about her cat or being nice.

 

You can still be a nice guy (you don't have to nail her, grab her, or ram your tongue down her throat), but you have to give her a sweet, romantic, physical sign that you want her. If you move, she may well drop all the other guys for you. If not, she'll ask you to be her friend cause you're a great guy. Your choice.

 

If anyone would like to add anything be my guest.

 

As for the OP, tell him "I've been seeing someone else that I'm really interested in and don't want my feelings to be divided!". If you do not want to date him now, don't let him kiss you. That would be cruel.

[MyNameIsJonas]

Post deleted.

Edited January 4, 2010 by MyNameIsJonas
Deleted post

[thats what i said]

Gentlemen get out your notes, Professor Sagetalk is about to give you a lesson in women 101 (I'm a student as well ).

 

He never kissed her after three dates. This has nothing to do with him being too nice, too skinny, too fat, too poor, too anything. She wanted a kiss and he didn't deliver. She described him as shy which as anyone who's posted here for even a day knows that means shy="yuck" to women.

 

She's seeing someone else. Now how much you wanna bet that other guy kissed her.

 

In dating you have a very small window of opportunity in the beginning. The hotter the girl, the smaller the window (hotter the girl = more guys going after her). Odds are one of those guys is skilled, so you better pull the trigger. If you like a girl, do something that gets her in the mind set of not wanting her feelings divided so she can be with you. You cannot do that by talking to her about her cat or being nice.

 

You can still be a nice guy (you don't have to nail her, grab her, or ram your tongue down her throat), but you have to give her a sweet, romantic, physical sign that you want her. If you move, she may well drop all the other guys for you. If not, she'll ask you to be her friend cause you're a great guy. Your choice.

 

If anyone would like to add anything be my guest.

 

As for the OP, tell him "I've been seeing someone else that I'm really interested in and don't want my feelings to be divided!". If you do not want to date him now, don't let him kiss you. That would be cruel.

 

You're absolutely right, that other guy did kiss me... after the second date. I actually thought he was going to be too shy but as I was walking away, he pulled me back and kissed me.

 

Actually, after the second date, I was sure I wanted to kiss him (the one I'm breaking it off with) and when he went for just a hug, I went "ugh". I immediately called my friends and told them he didn't kiss me and I just didn't think we would be anything more than friends. It is a harsh and confusing dating world, isn't it?

[D-Jam]

Yeah, I guess I've been hesitant because I kinda have him on the back burner, for when I get bored... I just sort of realized that. Am I just cruel for doing that? I mean, he knew I was still seeing other people too...

I think one should never keep anyone on a "back burner". I speak becuase I've been on back burners before. Women who thought I was cool/attractive, but not "exciting" enough, so they keep pursuing a few other possible options in the hope that if they all fail I'll be there waiting as the backup plan in life. Funny even how many women who got knocked up by jerks tried to make me believe they always loved me or they came to their senses.

 

I think honesty is the best approach, and a text message is a very cowardly way of handling it. You come off to me as the typical woman. You want to avoid honesty, confrontation, and maturity so much that you'll either lead someone on, lie to them, or even play the vanishing act...rather than come up and say to the guy you're not feeling anything and while you think he's a good man...you're not attracted to him.

 

YET...I'll bet you like other women will get angry and think less of men if one were to ever do that to you.

 

 

I'm sounding mean because you're handling your affairs like a teenage girl, not an adult woman. If you want to be respected in this world then you need to respect others. If you want people to see you as an adult and not an overgrown child then you'll easily tell a guy the truth even if he's not mature about it.

 

I don't wish any ill will on you, but I always roll my eyes at the women who lie to men, lead them on, put them on the "back burner", use them, run when they should be honest and upfront, etc...but then hypocritically get angry when a man does it to them. I don't condone that bad behavior from men either...but I think a lot of the problems in the dating world could be solved if both genders would stop being so damn afraid both of rejecting someone or being rejected and just be honest to one another.

 

He's an adult...you think he'll cry like a baby and run to his mom or something?

[MyNameIsJonas]

I'm sounding mean because you're handling your affairs like a teenage girl, not an adult woman. If you want to be respected in this world then you need to respect others. If you want people to see you as an adult and not an overgrown child then you'll easily tell a guy the truth even if he's not mature about it.

 

I'm not trying to start a fight here, but the OP has told the guy MULTIPLE times that she is not interested in him in that way, and yet he still tries. I think beyond a certain point the blame goes from the OP and more to the guy. She can only do so much.

 

I agree with what you say, but I don't think you are giving the OP enough credit here. She has tried to let him know what is going on gently, and he refuses to accept it. That's not her fault; that's his fault.

[D-Jam]

I agree she did tell him, but from what I'm reading she inadvertantly kept him thinking that he still had a shot. Even her "back burner" comment more or less told me she considered him...and now she's 100% sure he's got no chance.

 

I'm not faulting her that she's not into this guy...just her actions. I've been where that guy has been, and let me tell you it's harder on your self-esteem to date someone and think it's going somewhere, only to find out it's not.

 

I think the guy needs to learn to walk away when he gets that talk...or friendzone her and move on. I just think a text message is a crappy way to handle it if she thinks so highly of him.

 

I just want her to know it's ok to get honest and even say the hard truth to a guy. Say he's got no chance or this will never go anywhere. Believe me, a good man can take it and easily move on.

[thats what i said]

I think one should never keep anyone on a "back burner". I speak becuase I've been on back burners before. Women who thought I was cool/attractive, but not "exciting" enough, so they keep pursuing a few other possible options in the hope that if they all fail I'll be there waiting as the backup plan in life. Funny even how many women who got knocked up by jerks tried to make me believe they always loved me or they came to their senses.

 

I think honesty is the best approach, and a text message is a very cowardly way of handling it. You come off to me as the typical woman. You want to avoid honesty, confrontation, and maturity so much that you'll either lead someone on, lie to them, or even play the vanishing act...rather than come up and say to the guy you're not feeling anything and while you think he's a good man...you're not attracted to him.

 

YET...I'll bet you like other women will get angry and think less of men if one were to ever do that to you.

 

 

I'm sounding mean because you're handling your affairs like a teenage girl, not an adult woman. If you want to be respected in this world then you need to respect others. If you want people to see you as an adult and not an overgrown child then you'll easily tell a guy the truth even if he's not mature about it.

 

I don't wish any ill will on you, but I always roll my eyes at the women who lie to men, lead them on, put them on the "back burner", use them, run when they should be honest and upfront, etc...but then hypocritically get angry when a man does it to them. I don't condone that bad behavior from men either...but I think a lot of the problems in the dating world could be solved if both genders would stop being so damn afraid both of rejecting someone or being rejected and just be honest to one another.

 

He's an adult...you think he'll cry like a baby and run to his mom or something?

 

I know a text message was a cruel way of handling it. I've never had the courage to break it off with a guy face to face or in person. Except for one time and I was surprised he didn't grow fangs and rip me apart. I'm not kidding. Well, kidding about the fangs part. And then there was a couple more times that actually did not go well.

 

The other couple of times that went badly, I actually talked to these guys and tried to reason with them and be honest with them. These guys wound up being really cruel and obsessive and I'm not a mean person at all. Therefore I have a difficult time when people are unfairly mean to me.

 

So tell me, with two really harsh experiences of breaking it off in person, how do I develop the courage to continue breaking things off in person or over the phone?

 

It's a sincere question

[MyNameIsJonas]

In dating you have a very small window of opportunity in the beginning. The hotter the girl, the smaller the window (hotter the girl = more guys going after her). Odds are one of those guys is skilled, so you better pull the trigger. If you like a girl, do something that gets her in the mind set of not wanting her feelings divided so she can be with you. You cannot do that by talking to her about her cat or being nice.

 

You can still be a nice guy (you don't have to nail her, grab her, or ram your tongue down her throat), but you have to give her a sweet, romantic, physical sign that you want her. If you move, she may well drop all the other guys for you. If not, she'll ask you to be her friend cause you're a great guy. Your choice.

 

I tried to post this eariler, but it came off more as a rant so I deleted.

 

I think while this is true with most women, it is not true with all women. I recently had an experience where I did everything short of the kiss (only because her doormat roomate walked in on us and refused to give us a moment alone from that point forward) to let her know I was into her, and she ended up hooking up with her ex over the holidays and ditching me in the process. I also learned that my decision not to "nail her" that night played into her decision to go back to her ex. Maybe this is isolated but I felt it should be brought up regardless.

[MyNameIsJonas]

I think the guy needs to learn to walk away when he gets that talk...or friendzone her and move on. I just think a text message is a crappy way to handle it if she thinks so highly of him.

 

I just want her to know it's ok to get honest and even say the hard truth to a guy. Say he's got no chance or this will never go anywhere. Believe me, a good man can take it and easily move on.

 

I completley agree with you here. I just don't think the entire blame can be put on the OP because, as you said, the guy needs to learn to walk away when he gets that talk.

 

I also agree the text isn't the best way to handle it, but to give the OP the benefit of the doubt, that is a very tough speech to give to someone. Maybe you have the ability to do it, but I don't think everyone does, so they do what they can. At least she did something; I know a lot of women who would just ignore the problem/guy hoping that it would solve itself. That, in my opinion, is exponentally worse than a text message.

[D-Jam]

I understand.

 

I remember when I broke up with a girl in the past. It was a very hard thing for me to do, but I guess I lucked out because it gave me strength.

 

I also think the OP shouldn't try to be friends with him. When you can see a guy is that into someone, then you know they will only be "friends" in the hopes that it'll lead to more.

 

Better at times to cut ties if you can. I know it sounds bad, but there are too many who think the friendzone can lead to more and thus bigger drama occurs when reality sets in.

[Ruby Slippers]

You're absolutely right, that other guy did kiss me... after the second date. I actually thought he was going to be too shy but as I was walking away, he pulled me back and kissed me.

 

Actually, after the second date, I was sure I wanted to kiss him (the one I'm breaking it off with) and when he went for just a hug, I went "ugh". I immediately called my friends and told them he didn't kiss me and I just didn't think we would be anything more than friends.

He blew it! Cut him loose and focus on the one you like, the one who had the confidence to kiss you.

 

Taking notes, shy guys? If you want to compete with the big bad boyz, you're gonna hafta get your lips wet.

[cognac]

Gentlemen get out your notes, Professor Sagetalk is about to give you a lesson in women 101 (I'm a student as well ).

 

He never kissed her after three dates. This has nothing to do with him being too nice, too skinny, too fat, too poor, too anything. She wanted a kiss and he didn't deliver. She described him as shy which as anyone who's posted here for even a day knows that means shy="yuck" to women.

 

She's seeing someone else. Now how much you wanna bet that other guy kissed her.

 

In dating you have a very small window of opportunity in the beginning. The hotter the girl, the smaller the window (hotter the girl = more guys going after her). Odds are one of those guys is skilled, so you better pull the trigger. If you like a girl, do something that gets her in the mind set of not wanting her feelings divided so she can be with you. You cannot do that by talking to her about her cat or being nice.

 

You can still be a nice guy (you don't have to nail her, grab her, or ram your tongue down her throat), but you have to give her a sweet, romantic, physical sign that you want her. If you move, she may well drop all the other guys for you. If not, she'll ask you to be her friend cause you're a great guy. Your choice.

 

If anyone would like to add anything be my guest.

 

As for the OP, tell him "I've been seeing someone else that I'm really interested in and don't want my feelings to be divided!". If you do not want to date him now, don't let him kiss you. That would be cruel.

 

 

OH please

 

3 Bajillion dollars says that the "other people" (who are probably just wanting to bang her) she IS ready for after her "hard breakup" are all much more attractive than this sad sap who wants to love her and give her fun companionship.