sassygurl129 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Sorry lovebubble, the truth is there's nothing you can do about it. You will just have to accept that he checks out porn and jerks off to it. It's not that he doesn't love you less or you're not sexing him enough even if he say so. It's just natural for guys to masturbate. Even if you have sex with him 3x a day, he will still find the time to get off either with or without porn. Don't take it too personally. Just learn to accept.
blair08 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Sorry lovebubble, the truth is there's nothing you can do about it. You will just have to accept that he checks out porn and jerks off to it. It's not that he doesn't love you less or you're not sexing him enough even if he say so. It's just natural for guys to masturbate. Even if you have sex with him 3x a day, he will still find the time to get off either with or without porn. Don't take it too personally. Just learn to accept. Wrong. No one has to accept anything if they choose not to. Hopefully she will wise up, why? Because this goes deeper than porn. She even stated him hiding his phone. So hopefully, she will think a little more of herself and not just "accept" anything. To the OP, actions speak louder than words. And if he is hiding his phone and still doing things after you told him how you feel right now his words aren't probably very trustworthy. In other words, just because he told you he wouldn't do it anymore, doesn't mean its true.
Author lovebubble Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 and now he put a password on his computer after we already discussed that he wouldn't do this. he has no respect or reguard for my feelings whatsoever.
blair08 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 and now he put a password on his computer after we already discussed that he wouldn't do this. he has no respect or reguard for my feelings whatsoever. His actions are really speaking now hun. To recap: There are trust issues. He hides his phone. He continues to do something you don't care for. He is lying and telling you he wont do this and that anymore, but then turns around a password protects the computer. You just stated he has no respect for you and your feelings. (I think this speaks volumes) So, what is your plan?
giotto Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 and now he put a password on his computer after we already discussed that he wouldn't do this. he has no respect or reguard for my feelings whatsoever. mmm... maybe you've been putting too much pressure on him regarding this porn thing and now he's got all defensive and lies about it a lot... I think you both need to relax about this...
Els Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Honestly, threads like this make me feel glad I'm female. At least no guy I've ever been with ever tried to make a big deal about me watching porn. It'd be a sad life to have to sneak around everyday hiding my porn from my SO. Anyway, if you really can't bear a man watching porn, don't. Leave him, find another. There are men who don't watch porn at all, although I must warn you that for the majority of them, the disinterest in porn stems from greater things such as hardcore religiousness, or disinterest in sex in general.
JackJack Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Sometimes I'm amazed at how deep ignorance runs. This is serious stuff to the OP, not some guy who occasionally watches a little porn. Go back and read the OP's post's again. "Just accept it and don't take it personally".....the OP has stated many times she does take it personally and it's very upsetting to her, what part of that do you not understand? Bingo! I honestly do not believe some people really read threads to carefully. I think some see the word "Porn" and automatically their advice is, "Get over it and accept it." I sure wouldn't tell a woman who was slapped by her husband to "just accept it." And that some men like to beat up women. The bottom line here is, it bothers the OP. Trust issues are out the window for whatever reason, and if its not workable and they are not willing to find a compromise or something, they need to part. OP, chances are, it wont get better, if anything it will get worse. He will continue to do what you don't care for, and you will live your life wondering and checking things out. Thats not a way to live. Let him have his porn and phone, and you go about your business without him. That way you can live your life the way you want and he can his. Of course this is just a suggestion, you do what you want.
Author lovebubble Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 Honestly, threads like this make me feel glad I'm female. At least no guy I've ever been with ever tried to make a big deal about me watching porn. It'd be a sad life to have to sneak around everyday hiding my porn from my SO. Anyway, if you really can't bear a man watching porn, don't. Leave him, find another. There are men who don't watch porn at all, although I must warn you that for the majority of them, the disinterest in porn stems from greater things such as hardcore religiousness, or disinterest in sex in general. the porn itself is the smaller issue. i don't like it.. but it's not the porn itself that is unbearable.. i have a problem with him blaming his porn usage on ME. that hurts me more than the fact that he watches it. i go out of my way to please him sexually. we have more than enough sex for the '' average '' person and i am far from a prude. there are many times that i have sex when i'm not 100% up for it.. and him throwing our ( very healthy ) sex life in my face is like a slap in the face to me. the contradiction is that he is insanely jealous. porn was FORBIDDEN in our relationship... at first. i was never to watch porn OR masturbate. now that he's been outted.. porn is okay, he says '' watch porn if you want! ''.. but, i don't want to watch porn. i want my husband. i don't think it's fair for the rules of the relationship to just change on his terms like that. very misleading of him.. he was one way before we got married, now he's another.. and i'm supposed to '' just deal with it ''. also, the fact that he does it while i'm in the house.. in the next room.. this bugs me. i don't think i, myself, would have the audacity to do this. when we aren't on good terms, my main objective is to work it out with my husband.. not get my rocks off to the next man. instead of talking to me, he chooses to watch porn in the next room. granted, this is usually when we're on bad terms.. but i think this is also why i view it so negatively. i usually catch him watching porn when we're not on the greatest of terms.. he takes full advantage of this, instead of trying to communicate with his wife. there are a few deeper issues.
JackJack Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 lovebubble, What is your plan on this whole issue? Have you looked up addictions and the effects, or taken any of the suggestions people have made?
lookin2wardthefuture Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 I've just divorced my H of 20 years, and his porn addiction was part of the problem. Like you, we had sex about 3 times per week. He was also looking at porn(which I did,nt know about), when he was smoking pot(which I did know about). Eventually he sought out sex somewhere else, because he felt his needs were'nt being met at home. These were and are HIS issues, and his addictions, not mine. Beware, where there's smoke there's usually fire. Porn addiction was once rare, but now isn't thanks to the internet, and addictions tend to feed of of one another. I wish you the best, and if you want to try and save your relationship do not let him off the hook for this because it is a very real problem for him and for you. In my relationship, the affairs were the straw that broke the camels back, because I had already been through so much. Good Luck!!!
BlueeyedJonesy Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 give him a choice..if he wants to disrespect you then leave his butt. Try to get him help.
soserious1 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 I'm all for freedom of the press, freedom for a guy to chose to watch anything his little heart desires but it feels like there's no middle ground. I don't find the sight of a man, bounding into the bedroom at 2am to awaken me by shoving his erect penis in my face looking for me to get him off because he's aroused by his evening spent surfing the net for sluts particularly arousing. I'm a firm believer in dancing with the one who brung ya, if porn's got you all hot and randy, great, finish yourself off with it please, I'm in no mood to serve as some cum dumpster.
BlueeyedJonesy Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 I'm in no mood to serve as some cum dumpster. Hahaha! True but hilarious!
hopeless4u Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 I've not read all the posts but I really don't see what your problem is with porn. All men and a lot of women look at porn. Its just pictures or film. Maybe the reason you are so happy with sex is because its the porn he watches that gives him the ideas that keeps you happy.
Author lovebubble Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 for those who asked, i have no plan. he deploys in 3 days.. so i'm prepared for his laptop to be saturated with porn. my only plan reguarding the porn is.. we both downloaded '' skype '' so that we can keep in contact and see eachother, i won't waste my time being sexual with him. i'm sure his porn will hold him over. he dosen't need both. i find this thread actually very consoling. i polled women on a forum board unrelated to relationships and an overwhelming number of them thought that men watching porn, even excessively, is completely normal in a relationship.
soserious1 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 So how is this for a compromise... men can watch and get off to all the porn they like.. but your wife or SO can respectfully decline to relieve you of your porn induced erection?
hollywood undead Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 So how is this for a compromise... men can watch and get off to all the porn they like.. but your wife or SO can respectfully decline to relieve you of your porn induced erection? The problem with that is that even without porn you never know if his erection was induced by you and not the hot cashier earlier in the day, or some random chick he just thought about, or....you get the idea. Even that would be a turn off to me. I want to be the source of his sexual desire, not the "cum dumpster", as you put it so accurately earlier. If porn is so important, men can use that as their sole means to get off - I have no interest in being merely the "second-best choice" and the "warm, wet hole" just because the porn queens aren't available in real life.
soserious1 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 The problem with that is that even without porn you never know if his erection was induced by you and not the hot cashier earlier in the day, or some random chick he just thought about, or....you get the idea. Even that would be a turn off to me. I want to be the source of his sexual desire, not the "cum dumpster", as you put it so accurately earlier. If porn is so important, men can use that as their sole means to get off - I have no interest in being merely the "second-best choice" and the "warm, wet hole" just because the porn queens aren't available in real life. You can't police any person's every thought and I'd never even dream of trying even if it were possible. What I can do is to take ownership of my body, if you've been tucked away in your den all evening viewing porn while I've been cleaning, doing laundry, dealing with small kids and you've got yourself all hot and bothered, you need to march yourself back into the den and handle your erection and not expect me to grovel with gratitude for getting a chance to jump on your Johnson.
Golfilla Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 I've not read all the posts but I really don't see what your problem is with porn. All men and a lot of women look at porn. Its just pictures or film. Maybe the reason you are so happy with sex is because its the porn he watches that gives him the ideas that keeps you happy. Look, ultimately it doesn't matter why Lovebubble has a problem with porn, it's her decision and if she has a problem with it, it's her right. Besides, have you seen the way modern porn portrays sex? Not all women want to be degraded and treated that way, and I'm fairly certain that a lot of them don't want to be woken at 2am by a man who's been watching porn for three hours and is now ready for some "action". The only thing I will say to Lovebubble is that you can't change another person. If he likes watching porn and he's been looking at it for 20 years or whatever, that's just the way he's wired. It's like taking an orange out of a fruitbowl and trying to turn it into a banana, it just can't be done, and you're better off going and buying a banana. Likewise, you need to decide whether you're prepared to keep putting up with the porn for whatever other benefits this guy has, or whether you want to find another man who doesn't watch porn and possibly has less interest in sex. It's ultimately your decision, but those seem to be the options.
Lovelybird Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 the disinterest in porn stems from greater things such as hardcore religiousness, or disinterest in sex in general. Really? I prefer a "religious" person who is loving toward his wife and has much desires for her rather than a man who watch porn and use his wife. A "religious" person (who love God but doesn't necessary being legalistic)can be so full of sexual desires, yet don't distribute that to many women or porn stars. According to your logic, a man who has sexual desires must share that with many women? what kind of logic is ! silly
Lovelybird Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 I recently learn from a relationship book, if you want to stop the evil that your partner imposed on you, you have to set some boundaries, and consequences. so he can learn what consequence his action brings and that would inspire him to change. Some women would seperate bed with their hb until he learned his lessons and really want to change. If you comply with your husband's porn using, this will get worse.
Els Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 Really? I prefer a "religious" person who is loving toward his wife and has much desires for her rather than a man who watch porn and use his wife. A "religious" person (who love God but doesn't necessary being legalistic)can be so full of sexual desires, yet don't distribute that to many women or porn stars. According to your logic, a man who has sexual desires must share that with many women? what kind of logic is ! silly Honey, read what I said. I said 'very religious' or 'sexually disinterested'. Good for you if you like the 'very religious' ones. I never said that they were also 'sexually disinterested'. i have a problem with him blaming his porn usage on ME. that hurts me more than the fact that he watches it. i go out of my way to please him sexually. we have more than enough sex for the '' average '' person and i am far from a prude. there are many times that i have sex when i'm not 100% up for it.. and him throwing our ( very healthy ) sex life in my face is like a slap in the face to me. Do you feel that he is blaming it on you, or does he say it's your fault? From what I read he just said it 'isn't enough', not that it's 'your fault it isn't enough'. Maybe he can sense that you're already putting out for him often when you're not interested in having sex, so he feels guilty and doesn't want to do that to you so much, which leads to the porn use? the contradiction is that he is insanely jealous. porn was FORBIDDEN in our relationship... at first. i was never to watch porn OR masturbate. now that he's been outted.. porn is okay, he says '' watch porn if you want! ''.. but, i don't want to watch porn. i want my husband. i don't think it's fair for the rules of the relationship to just change on his terms like that. very misleading of him.. he was one way before we got married, now he's another.. and i'm supposed to '' just deal with it ''. Now this is a huge red flag. WTF. Did you talk to him about him changing his mind like that? also, the fact that he does it while i'm in the house.. in the next room.. this bugs me. i don't think i, myself, would have the audacity to do this. when we aren't on good terms, my main objective is to work it out with my husband.. not get my rocks off to the next man. instead of talking to me, he chooses to watch porn in the next room. granted, this is usually when we're on bad terms.. but i think this is also why i view it so negatively. i usually catch him watching porn when we're not on the greatest of terms.. he takes full advantage of this, instead of trying to communicate with his wife. there are a few deeper issues. Ah yes, I see. Avoidance, trying to use porn to forget. Maybe you should bring up the fact that he isn't communicating, instead of putting porn usage as the main issue.
JackJack Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 I'm actually not surprised the OP has chosen to all of a sudden feel its not so bad after all. Since porn isn't the only issue, and there are other things going on and she mentioned earlier on, I suspect things will stay pretty much the same, he will continue to do whatever, and she will continue to wonder, and question why he is doing this and that. But, that's her choice. Good luck to you.
WhySoSerious Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 The problem with that is that even without porn you never know if his erection was induced by you and not the hot cashier earlier in the day, or some random chick he just thought about, or....you get the idea. Even that would be a turn off to me. I want to be the source of his sexual desire, not the "cum dumpster", as you put it so accurately earlier. If porn is so important, men can use that as their sole means to get off - I have no interest in being merely the "second-best choice" and the "warm, wet hole" just because the porn queens aren't available in real life.And how would any man know if the woman in his life were turned on specifically because she was attracted to him and turned on solely because of him? How is any man to know that his SO isn't turned on because she's thinking about the muscular men she saw at the gym earlier today, or the guy with the hot/rich-looking car earlier, or an ex that did something in bed that really drove her crazy? It's easy to talk about when you're the one with the point of view, but it's not so easy when trying to see it from someone else's perspective. So do you expect your SO to be turned on at your whim and sexual desires because he should find you the source of his sexual desire but not you to be the same for him simply because he's a man and if he's not then it's solely the fault of porn?
ann09 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 As long as it isn't interferring with your intimacy with him I don't see the problem. I doubt he's expecting you to participate in orgys/gang bangs. Let him fulfill his fantasies with porn - as long as it isn'[t obsessive. I do worry that porn can get addictive to some and become an obsession. But I think the normal guy (and sometimes girl) is very normal to watch it once in a while. As a woman I don't get much out of it but in the past have "learned" from it - sort of shows you what men like etc. But honestly, it leaves me completely cold.
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