lovebubble Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 so, he's still looking at it. i just feel like it's a battle that i cannot win. our sex life is fine in my eyes but, when i asked him why he still looks at it he said '' because i want sex more than you do ''.. '' we don't have sex as much as i want ''.. but i have sex with him 3-5 times per week???? and i enjoy sex. i do everything sexually. blow jobs anytime he wants. the things he's looking at, i cannot compete with. do i need to have an orgy or gang bang in front of him to be satisfied with our sex life? i ask him not to look at it, but he does it anyways. now, he'll just go to greater lengths to hide it. what should i do?
Green Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Look the ammount of sex you have with him shouldn't effect if he is looking at porn. And seriously if he see's it is hurting you this much he could atleast hide it from you completely so you wouldn't know about it.
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 If it isn't interferring in your sex life, and he feels he needs more, then allow him "his" time, whether it be fantasy jerking off in the shower or abit of porn on occasion. Don't make this about you because it isn't. Many men will STILL jerk off, even if they have sex daily. It's just something men do. Again, don't make it about you or make you insecure/bad..UNLESS he is choosing porn and masterbation over having sex with you.
EnigmasMuse Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Just because it might not be interferring with your sex life doesn't mean there isn't a real problem here. My brother is an alcoholic, but just because he doesn't beat his wife, or goes off the deep end on her when he drinks, doesn't mean he doesn't have a problem, get what I'm saying? The bottom line is it bothers you, thats the main issue here. Yes, he possibly has some kind of addiction. Look that up and see if it can help give you some insight on maybe what may or may not be going on. Even after you read it, and feel that he might have a problem, only HE can can determine if he wants to get help or not. You have to worry about and take care of only YOURSELF. Make a choice on what you feel you need to do for you. Good luck.
Lovelybird Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 (edited) Hi, your husband is probably addicted to the porn, and like other addiction, your husband will require more and more porn to keep the excitement. First, I want to encourage you never give up, don't try to make yourself compromise with this issue, because if you do, it will backfire. Second, beating up him for this and criticise won't work. There are some reasons behind his sexual addiction probably. Sometimes it is because they lack of the ability to relate to others in a deeper level, sometimes it is because of other reasons or simply he has too much lust. Have you advised him to try to see a therapist? and if you read some material about recovery of porn addiction, you will gain understanding and know how to battle this issue. There are some ladies helped their husband quit watching porn by supporting and love. Acceptance will help also, shame tact won't work, but first step is that you never give up Edited January 4, 2010 by Lovelybird
CBIIS1 Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Hold on. If the porn isn't taking away from intimacy, it isn't that much of a problem. Men get bored, porn revs them up. Where he gets his appetite is less important than where he eats. It may not be an addiction at all. Talk to him about it and don't feel you need to compete. Watch a movie with him before love making. It might be fun. Interest in that type of thing can go away as quick as it arrived. Plenty of men look at it just like plenty of women look at reality romance shows (Bachelorette, etc.) Its the same type of crap. Women like romance, men like the mechanics of lovemaking, same crap. Relax.
Lovelybird Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Hold on. If the porn isn't taking away from intimacy, it isn't that much of a problem. Men get bored, porn revs them up. Where he gets his appetite is less important than where he eats.. you mean that he gets his sexual appetite from porn women and let his wife meet his appetite? This sounds romantic ! There is a woman (sorry to borrow your story) who compromised her husband's porn appetite when she is young, and she watched porn with him, but many years later, her husband's porn appetite got more and more intense, and told her in her face that she is too old for him, and he just chases after young women, she ended up very bitter I don't think you want to put your whole life marriage in danger just assume that it isn't a big problem.
D-Lish Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 I've never been one to have an issue with porn. It doesn't phase me, and I don't mind it. I don't seek it out myself often, but I just expect that most men look at it. My exH and I had a big screen TV and a satellite dish and sometimes I would come down in the morning and he'd be eating cheerios and watching porn on the 52" big screen. I know he always appreciated that I didn't make him feel ashamed. But having said that, I am different than you, and because it didn't upset me, it wasn't an issue in our relationship. This is an issue for you- so it's different. It doesn't sound like an addiction. Only a small percentage of men are actually addicted to it. In the same way that not all people that enjoy having a few drinks are alcoholics - but lots of people like to indulge sometimes. Having said that- it is an "issue" in your relationship. No matter what, he isn't likely to stop viewing it, no matter how much you forbid it.
New_Life08 Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 This is an addiction like any other. The more he does it, the more he will do it, and the weirder the fantasy will get. It has nothing to do with you personally, there is no satisfying him, attempting to is a waste of your time. He needs to get therapy for these compulsions. It is natural for anyone to masturbate, but needing this sort of stimulation is not. It is like a drug to him. Like someone else mentioned ... he is using you as an excuse. That is one of the most belittling things he can do! To make you feel unsatisfactory in bed in order to continue his perverse behavior is a whole other problem all it's own. He needs therapy, and if I were you I would put some distance between myself and him until he gets it. This sort of behavior violates intimacy and it betrays trust on so many levels. I wish you the best...
Constantine Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 I do not agree with him beeing an addict at all, if so I am an addict and so are most.. sorry, ALL of my friends. I agree with above statement that if he watches porn rather then interact with you then something is wrong/missing, but from your post it doesnt sound like that. Men watch porn, period. All who think their boyfriends/husbands doesnt watch it is turning a blind eye. I also dont think you should put to much emphasize into what kind of porn he watches as it doesnt automaticly mean he wants that kind of sex. I think the bottom problem here, as in most cases, is communication. You seem to lack even the most basic of this and that is what leads to mistrust etc. Try to focus on fixing that and the porn issue will resolve itself.
Golfilla Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 lovebubble, I get the impression from your post that this is an ongoing issue. If you've made it clear to him many times that you have a problem with his porn viewing and he's still doing it, it might be time to get out. The fact is, only he can fix his problem, nobody else can, no matter how much it upsets them. There comes a time when it should become obvious that he isn't going to change. I'm not sure if you've reached that point with him yet, but the way your post was written it sounds like you might have. Ironically, leaving him might be the best thing you can do for him. If his porn addiction costs him his marriage, it might just be the slap in the face he needs to face up to his problem and do something about it. Either way, I think trying to change a partner is generally a waste of time, whether it's this issue or any other. You need to either accept him as he is, or find someone else who better satisfies your needs.
JackJack Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 I agree that it might be an addiction. I also agree that just because you're getting sex, doesn't mean there isn't a problem. Because obviously there is. Yes, there is a difference between viewing something from time and time vs all the time or if it pretty much consumes ones life. Alot of people don't know much about addictions. So, it could be beneficial for you to at least check out some books or websites about addictions etc. Usually there are common elements in the thinking process of people with addictions of any kind, Denial, Rationalization, and Projection. I'm not saying he is doing any of those, but most people with addictions, these three elements is where you could probably tell. It bothers you, so therefore its an issue. I hope it all works out for you.
Jersey Shortie Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 I've read alot of articles on this subject. And the general ideal seems to be that sex and how people relate to it and sex addiction is the most mis-understood and high-complicated addiction that we haven't even scratched the surface on due to how embedded it is in people and how annoymous it can be and easily gotten. Infact, I suspect that it's not really a matter of a only a few men being addicted to porn but the opposite. I suspect more men are addicted to porn then men care to admit to themselves and that women care to admit as well. You don't need to stop functioning to not be addicted to something. If you think this country is only fat on food, you would be wrong. It is a billion dollar industry that has become a regular part of many married/relationship styled men's lives. How many women all over the internet have gone looking for help? How many men continue to defend it? I don't see many men taking the side of their wives. What I do see is men taking the side of their porn use. They are men. They like sex. They like 18 year old girls with implants wearing school girl outfits. You women are just silly creatures who have no right to take such a precsious part of their life away. Because what is important is the sex, porn and men. Right or no? How many men that are these womans life parters choose to keep the porn as a part of their lives despite the way they see it's affected their woman? How many men try to sincerely help? How many men instead chosoe to hide it so that they can keep getting all their needs met while trying to stiffle hers? If it was not important to men, if men were not addicted to it on some level, they would easily put it down and go about their lives. Hopefully maybe even engaging in more productive things like spending more time with wifey, gf, kids and hobbies. I bet men today waste ALOT of time with porn when just 50 years ago they would have been out doing things in the real world. Am I wrong? I think not. LoveBubble, I understand how you feel. To be honest, it does seem like we can't compete with it or that our men can cut us a break. Even if we are sexually adventures and try to make him happy, the truth is that that still is not good enough. So why evey bother trying? Perhaps this is one reason me ndon't get regular sex. What's the point in trying if he can't ever be thankful, appreiciative and happy with what he has? It doesn't seem like most men really care about how that makes us feel. They are much more interested in "imaginging" gang bangs with 18 year old girls instead of really connecting with the real woman in their lives. Then these guys wonder why they are at the end of the day, disatisified in their relationships with women.
Jersey Shortie Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Hold on. If the porn isn't taking away from intimacy, it isn't that much of a problem. Men get bored, porn revs them up. Where he gets his appetite is less important than where he eats. It may not be an addiction at all. Talk to him about it and don't feel you need to compete. Watch a movie with him before love making. It might be fun. Interest in that type of thing can go away as quick as it arrived. Plenty of men look at it just like plenty of women look at reality romance shows (Bachelorette, etc.) Its the same type of crap. Women like romance, men like the mechanics of lovemaking, same crap. Relax. But it clearly is taking away from the intimacy. She clearly feels less close to him because of the porn. This does not need to be a case of only the physical intimacy being lost. And really, why shouldn't she feel that way? He is making a point to seek out other women to wet his appetite. In your own words, men get bored. Well okay, men get bored but a man turning to porn to wet his appetite and then expecting his SO to be happy and eager and excited to be with him is just ridiculous. We are not toys to be used to gratify yourself after getting turend on by x amount of girls you just saw being banged in porn. Do I really even need to say that? To many women, where he gets his appetite is important. Because it speaks volumes about where his real interests lay in the moment. And I am sorry but pop culture reality tv is NOT the same as graphic porn that men are mastubating to. I dislike when men try to compare entertainment to porn. Men like normal entertainment as well. The Bacherolette is comparable to Survivor. Not porn. You're very careless and clipped "relax" speaks volumes. This is an attitude I have encountered alot with men .They just don't care what women think on this as long as he as the man still get shis porn. You haven't even made an attempt to try and understand.
giotto Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 (edited) I've read alot of articles on this subject. And the general ideal seems to be that sex and how people relate to it and sex addiction is the most mis-understood and high-complicated addiction that we haven't even scratched the surface on due to how embedded it is in people and how annoymous it can be and easily gotten. Infact, I suspect that it's not really a matter of a only a few men being addicted to porn but the opposite. I suspect more men are addicted to porn then men care to admit to themselves and that women care to admit as well. You don't need to stop functioning to not be addicted to something. If you think this country is only fat on food, you would be wrong. It is a billion dollar industry that has become a regular part of many married/relationship styled men's lives. How many women all over the internet have gone looking for help? How many men continue to defend it? I don't see many men taking the side of their wives. What I do see is men taking the side of their porn use. They are men. They like sex. They like 18 year old girls with implants wearing school girl outfits. You women are just silly creatures who have no right to take such a precsious part of their life away. Because what is important is the sex, porn and men. Right or no? How many men that are these womans life parters choose to keep the porn as a part of their lives despite the way they see it's affected their woman? How many men try to sincerely help? How many men instead chosoe to hide it so that they can keep getting all their needs met while trying to stiffle hers? If it was not important to men, if men were not addicted to it on some level, they would easily put it down and go about their lives. Hopefully maybe even engaging in more productive things like spending more time with wifey, gf, kids and hobbies. I bet men today waste ALOT of time with porn when just 50 years ago they would have been out doing things in the real world. Am I wrong? I think not. LoveBubble, I understand how you feel. To be honest, it does seem like we can't compete with it or that our men can cut us a break. Even if we are sexually adventures and try to make him happy, the truth is that that still is not good enough. So why evey bother trying? Perhaps this is one reason me ndon't get regular sex. What's the point in trying if he can't ever be thankful, appreiciative and happy with what he has? It doesn't seem like most men really care about how that makes us feel. They are much more interested in "imaginging" gang bangs with 18 year old girls instead of really connecting with the real woman in their lives. Then these guys wonder why they are at the end of the day, disatisified in their relationships with women. JS, this a bit of a sweeping generalisation, isn't it? We - men - are a bit tired of this kind of stuff on LS... not all men are nasty, selfish or just interested in porn - f*** the annoying wife! Maybe you've just met the wrong type of men in your life? Edited January 4, 2010 by giotto
PandorasBox Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Two people can lay down and have sex, it doesn't mean there is any real emotional connection or true intimacy there at all. So just because you are still have sex probably doesn't really mean squat if there is no heart felt connection. Most people with addictions, connect with objects and things, not people/relationships. I have no clue if he has an addiction or not, but I will tell you if he does, if you choose to remain in the situation, then be prepared for a long road, and get some help for yourself on how to better handle things.
Author lovebubble Posted January 4, 2010 Author Posted January 4, 2010 i put some things together and i've come to the conclusion that this is a bigger issue than i thought. he just got a computer days ago. before that, he had no internet acess.. but, there were times where he would use my computer and i would find porn. what he does have is his phone. if u read my last thread, we've had major trust issues surrounding his phone. it's basically locked and hidden at all times. well, when i looked on his computer.. there was a site that i hadn't seen him visit prior.. and i think this is his site of preference now because it's compatible with his iphone. he can literally download the site and watch videos and i think thats what he's been doing on his phone. we talked and he promised he wouldn't do it anymore but, who am i fooling?
BlueeyedJonesy Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Speaking from experience with this matter. If you ask him not to do it and he still does then it is a problem..but it doesn't have to necessarily be an issue. My H was really into porn and so I started watching it with him and it was actually quite enjoyable..but then it just kept going further and further and soon enough I started getting the feeling he was a sex addict. and sure enough! Sexual addiction is a major problem in this day and age because its soooo easy to find or look at..our generation is effed up! So the way I see it, in marriage, if your completely uncomfortable with somthing your spouse is doing (out of enjoyment and not need) and they continue to do it no matter what damage it does then it is INDEED an addiction.
CBIIS1 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 My wife used to watch porn and jump in bed with me, after being turned on by some fellow with a lot more than me. She did it from time to time and it didn't bother me a bit if I was just a sex object to her. I enjoyed it. A man doesn't really give a hoot if his sex partner loves him or not, really. Our job is to procreate, not setup the nest. The security thing is more of a female thing. She needs to know he'll stick around. Now, I'm not insecure about myself and if she can't appreciate me for the other things I have to offer (which she didn't) then fine. I'm past the point where I have to have someone thinking about me, waiting for me , giving me their unconditional love. Trust me ,there are always conditions. Even kids get to hate their parents.Tell her you want to get stoned every Friday night and sleep with the neighboor's wife on weekdays and see how long her unconditional love lasts. I watched a lot of porn when my wife was around. Trust me, any man married to her would. She's gone and I watch a lot less because , its boring. She was too. Marriage is not a good idea if you get bored easy. That's why porn does so well. Men get bored. Women read romance books, men watch, they are visual.
Lovelybird Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 (edited) My wife used to watch porn and jump in bed with me, after being turned on by some fellow with a lot more than me. She did it from time to time and it didn't bother me a bit if I was just a sex object to her. I enjoyed it. A man doesn't really give a hoot if his sex partner loves him or not, really. Our job is to procreate, not setup the nest. The security thing is more of a female thing. She needs to know he'll stick around. Now, I'm not insecure about myself and if she can't appreciate me for the other things I have to offer (which she didn't) then fine. I'm past the point where I have to have someone thinking about me, waiting for me , giving me their unconditional love. Trust me ,there are always conditions. Even kids get to hate their parents.Tell her you want to get stoned every Friday night and sleep with the neighboor's wife on weekdays and see how long her unconditional love lasts. I watched a lot of porn when my wife was around. Trust me, any man married to her would. She's gone and I watch a lot less because , its boring. She was too. Marriage is not a good idea if you get bored easy. That's why porn does so well. Men get bored. Women read romance books, men watch, they are visual. Your wife needs to get a real life, sounds like you settle for second just because the first-love isn't available Edited January 5, 2010 by Lovelybird
Jersey Shortie Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 CB sounds like the biggest thrill in his day is his porn and that's sad. JS, this a bit of a sweeping generalisation, isn't it? We - men - are a bit tired of this kind of stuff on LS... not all men are nasty, selfish or just interested in porn - f*** the annoying wife! Maybe you've just met the wrong type of men in your life? Well yes, it is a generalization. I do think men tend to be more selfish and intereste in porn then they are about caring to relate to their real partner. Maybe I have met the wrong men in my life. Maybe there are too many wrong men in life out there today.
Lovelybird Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Ditto!!! I tried to make that point a long time back but it seems a lot of the posters think that it shouldn't be a problem for her........well IT IS, that's the point. In a loving relationship partners do not continually make someone hurt and feel like crap when it's been brought to their attention. It's either he can't stop (addiction) or he doesn't care. It's one or the other. agree. It is like saying: I don't care my husband has a OW, as long as he still has sex with me. Porn is like a OW. Watching porn is being unfaithful. The only reason those who said they don't care is that they are a little doormatic, or dishonest to self and to others
CBIIS1 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 No I'm not Dan Fielding. When my wife was up to it, and I mean up to it she was fantastic. But after the kids (36) and her high stress job which I heard about non-stop she had no energy or interest. It got worse as she entered her 40's. I did cleaning, laundry, supper, tended to the kids (she said I was 110%), homework, yard work, fixed the cars, did carpentry, flooring you name it and yet she had no time. The telephone with her family and the Bachelorette were more important. I had things going on in my life but it took all to get her to listen about it. So you tend to drift when your IQ is 132 and hers is barely 100. Boredom. All I wanted was someone who gave a **** about my engineering projects, about what I thought was cool with quantum physics, about guitar playing, about mountain biking, about deer hunting, just a partner, somebody who cared about what was going on between my ears. Then maybe she could of smiled at me when we talked, and joked a bit and plan to be a part of my life. Then sex would have been a little less ho hum. I would You get it, some of us guys are lonely in our marriages. We are bored with women and their romance novels,their baby showers, mom's birthday party, the going ons at their work, their need to paint the dining room for the second time this summer. The porn thing is not about cheating. Its about telling her that my left hand cares more about me than you have about who I am and what I think about for a very long time. Some of you ladies don't understand men anymore than we understand you.I find some women quick to anger and very slow to really understand.
CBIIS1 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Your wife needs to get a real life, sounds like you settle for second just because the first-love isn't available Well yes she does and she's out trying to get one but she could have done that here. By all accounts she isn't much happier. I am. I am busy as hell raising the kids, cleaning the house etc. She thinks I'm dying without her, waiting by the phone, wanting her back so very much. I'm trying to figure out if I miss more than just sex. Even that was getting old. In a few years the kids will be gone and she will be out of sight, out of mind. There is a God.
Lovelybird Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Well yes she does and she's out trying to get one but she could have done that here. By all accounts she isn't much happier. I am. I am busy as hell raising the kids, cleaning the house etc. She thinks I'm dying without her, waiting by the phone, wanting her back so very much. I'm trying to figure out if I miss more than just sex. Even that was getting old. In a few years the kids will be gone and she will be out of sight, out of mind. There is a God. you mean she doesn't care you at all? But she does want something from you, doesn't she? what do you mean she is out? she is having an affair?
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