It's been 6years, when will the Ex-wife let go?

[Econ_Dagney]

So, my husband sent his ex-wife's daughter a letter, along with her Christmas presents, telling her that I am pregnant and that he is going to be a dad.

The ex-step-daughter replied with an email the same day saying that she was happy for us, but she also told her mom just as I predicted she would. Well, her mother (my husband's ex-wife) sent my husband some really angry/confusing emails about how she felt about my pregnancy. As if we care what she thinks, but anyways...

 

First she tried to make him feel guilty about it because she can't have kids or sex which is not his fault. She had problems down there for years and had to have a hysterectomy after the divorce, she also found sex painful so never had a lot of it with him. Then, she tried to lay a guilt trip on him for not emailing her daughter more regularly saying how she's at a crucial age and complains to her mom about it.

 

Her daughter is not my husband's biological child. He never adopted her and has only known her for like 10 years, but he's the only father-figure she has ever known.

 

The girl doesn't have a relationship with her father because her mother never told her who he was until she was in high school.

 

Okay, so then the ex-wife concluded that email by telling my husband that she'd always love him and care about him, but that she definitely didn't want him back. Who says that unless they actually do want the other person back? I mean seriously.

Then, when he replied to the ex-wife's previous email, ignoring all the insults and her comments about always loving him, and promised to be better about emailing her daughter; she sent a slightly less nasty reply once again making about her.

This time she said that when he ignored her criticisms he only made things worse, wrote about how busy she was with school (she's going to college now and I think it's because she thinks it will impress him..when he got married to me she used to send him emails about how she always knew they wouldn't work out because she didn't have an education. When the real reason they didn't work out was because he got tired of her narcissism and drama).

And, she concluded the email by telling him about how her daughter keeps bugging her about a car. Now, she didn't come right out and ask him to buy her daughter a car, but how many of you out there agree that this is what she is hinting at? I believe that she is trying to use my pregnancy to guilt my husband into buying her daughter a used car, but it's not going to happen. We are expecting a child, I am in graduate school, and we are looking for a house; so there is no money for anyone outside our family unit.

And, who thinks the ex-wife wants him back?

 

I'm not threatened by her. I know that my husband is not interested in her at all, but it still bothers me that she's even trying this crap. And, I hate that she's trying to make him feel guilty for moving on with his life. They've been divorced for like 6 years now, and he and I have been together for 4.5 years (married 2.5). When is she going to let go of this bitter ex routine?

 

 

The ex-W just won't go away and he won't tell her to stop emailing until her daughter turns 18. He does care about her daughter. Even though he wasn't married to the mom for very long (5 years); he was with her on and off for 10 years. They dated, married, and by the end of the first year of marriage they were no longer living together. Throughout all that time he still kept in touch with her daughter, and she was allowed to spend Christmas with his family.

 

This woman told my husband that he was a bad father when he divorced her. How would she know when they have no kids together? She asked for child support and alimony which she didn't get because they have no children together and weren't even living together the majority of their marriage. She took her daughter out of the expensive private school that my husband was paying for when he divorced her. She thought she was punishing him but really she was punishing her own daughter. The one thing she(ex) could have gotten away with/continued help with was the tuition and she cut that off herself. Can anyone say stupid move, or self-destructive?

My husband does not give any monetary support to his ex-wife or daughter, but he does keep in touch and send the girl Christmas/birthday presents.

 

Does anyone else out there have any experience with an ex-wife or husband who really has no excuse to keep holding on because no biological kids are involved?

[whichwayisup]

Just continue to ignore it and be pleasent to his ex. Your H is handling this as best as he can..He doesn't want drama, fighting etc so it seems and he's keeping the peace.

 

Neither of you can control how his ex reacts or feels..She's choosing to be bitter and hang onto the past, instead of changing and making her life happier, she's envious/jealous of what you have.

[HeyThere]

Just continue to ignore it and be pleasent to his ex. Your H is handling this as best as he can..He doesn't want drama, fighting etc so it seems and he's keeping the peace.

 

Neither of you can control how his ex reacts or feels..She's choosing to be bitter and hang onto the past, instead of changing and making her life happier, she's envious/jealous of what you have.

 

Ditto, her problem not yours.

 

Good luck with your pregnancy and yet to be new born. Dr. Spock’s books have been around for years and there’s good reason for that.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

[Econ_Dagney]

My husband's ex-wife's daughter, who he helped raise for a number of years, was recently informed of my pregnancy. We thought she took the news well because she sent a congratulatory email at first, but we were mistaken. After offering to have her meet the baby once she is born, the ex-step-daughter asked for money to see how he would react, and when he chose not to throw money at her she sent my husband a series of emails claiming that she didn't really want any money and pointing to 1 fact: she is terribly unhappy with him right now.

 

She hasn't come out and said that she is unhappy about me being pregnant with his biological child, but she has been quite vocal about a number of other things. The timing seems down right precarious doesn't it?

 

Before I go on I just want to point out that I am not behind his behaviour. I have encouraged him to do what he feels is right by her whether that be stepping in as a dad, or by explicitly explaining that he cares but doesn't want the ex and her daughter to keep looking towards him as her father-figure if that is not what he wants.

 

What she claims to be upset about:

She is upset that he doesn't have more contact with her. He doesn't reply to her emails as quickly as she likes and he once even went 3 months without replying to her. He doesn't call her so this is their only method of communication. He is not her biological dad.

 

She is upset that he hasn't asked her to visit for Christmas for the past 5 years. I didn't ask him not to...his ex-wife didn't want her around him and his "new family" and he didn't want to have drama with ex-wife so he just left it alone...and now he just doesn't seem that bothered that he hasn't seen her daughter in 4.5 years. Once again, not her bio dad.

 

She claims that he never really cared about her, but if she believed that then why bother ranting and raving?

 

She claims to be upset now about the fact that he had an affair while he was married to her mom. I don't know how long she has known about this. He told me about this before we became seriously involved and it seems that her mom had an affair too but neglected to tell her that snippet, although all of that is besides the point...and her mom is a total snake for only telling her half the story.

I think the real issue here is that his ex-step-daughter, and her mother understand that he's truly moved on and it's freaking them out. It appears that she is more like her mother than I was lead to believe. I think it's obvious that the ex-wife's daughter is lashing out because she is jealous that he gets to have a happy family without her. I'm not saying this to sound petty, but think about it: she never knew her dad, and my husband has been in her life for a long time. She lived in the household with him for a number of years and got to spend Christmas with him and his family. He was like the stable role model in her life, and over the past few years they have been drifting more and more apart. Now she finds out that not only is his new marriage working out , but that we are also expecting a biological child. (I honestly believe that she wanted him to get back together with her mom last year -she told him about her mom's break-up with then boyfriend and told my husband that mom admires and respects my husband.) So is also coming to understand what his moving on really means. I know that my husband does care about the girl/teenager's well-being, but it doesn't seem like he wants to be pigeonholed as the substitute dad. In the meanwhile, we have this teenage girl who is angry and feels even more like a reject now that he and I are having a daughter of our own.

I know that in a real sense this is his problem, but he's not dealing with it. He has compartmentalized his relationship with ex-wife and her daughter to a few email conversations a year and expects this behaviour from them...It doesn't seem to bother him as much as it bothers me. I want him to be upfront with them about what he wants, and what he is willing to put up with because now I am having serious doubts about agreeing to let her meet my daughter after she is born. If ex-step-daughter is going to turn out to be as manipulative as her mom, then I can't allow her to be involved in my child's life.

[Econ_Dagney]

Further to above, she is now claiming that she never wanted his money. She says she just wanted to get him to respond to emails and knew he would respond if it was an email about money. This girl is having a classic tantrum and trying to get daddy's attention, but he's not her dad. What should we do?

My husband sees that things are deteriorating quickly so he might actually take my advice now. What should I suggest? Should he agree to step-up as a parent, or should he back away from this relationship. I don't know if he can give her what she wants : a father, and in the mean time he may only keep disappointing her because he's still straddling the fence. If he's still straddling the fence after 10 years of knowing her, caring about her, refusing to adopt her; then maybe he should just admit to her that he doesn't want to be her dad. He can say that he cares about her but wants to be thought of as a distant relation? Does that make sense, or is it better to just back off completely?

[whichwayisup]

First off, all this has to stop - Emails and such. He needs to MAN UP and go see her face to face.. How old is the step daughter?

 

He never adopted her and has only known her for like 10 years, but he's the only father-figure she has ever known.

 

Like 10 years? Or more? Anyway this girl DOES look at him as her father (figure) and this whole situation has been handled badly. Whether or not her mom is making it worse, or if the daughter IS truly hurt by her step father, your H - You all need to settle this and talk it out.

 

HE can't just up and disappear from her life, not after 10+ years. BUT, if he chooses to do that, then he can never ever see/contact her again.

[SummerLady]

So, my husband sent his ex-wife's daughter a letter, along with her Christmas presents, telling her that I am pregnant and that he is going to be a dad.

The ex-step-daughter replied with an email the same day saying that she was happy for us, but she also told her mom just as I predicted she would. Well, her mother (my husband's ex-wife) sent my husband some really angry/confusing emails about how she felt about my pregnancy. As if we care what she thinks, but anyways...

 

First she tried to make him feel guilty about it because she can't have kids or sex which is not his fault. She had problems down there for years and had to have a hysterectomy after the divorce, she also found sex painful so never had a lot of it with him. Then, she tried to lay a guilt trip on him for not emailing her daughter more regularly saying how she's at a crucial age and complains to her mom about it.

 

Her daughter is not my husband's biological child. He never adopted her and has only known her for like 10 years, but he's the only father-figure she has ever known.

 

The girl doesn't have a relationship with her father because her mother never told her who he was until she was in high school.

 

Okay, so then the ex-wife concluded that email by telling my husband that she'd always love him and care about him, but that she definitely didn't want him back. Who says that unless they actually do want the other person back? I mean seriously.

Then, when he replied to the ex-wife's previous email, ignoring all the insults and her comments about always loving him, and promised to be better about emailing her daughter; she sent a slightly less nasty reply once again making about her.

This time she said that when he ignored her criticisms he only made things worse, wrote about how busy she was with school (she's going to college now and I think it's because she thinks it will impress him..when he got married to me she used to send him emails about how she always knew they wouldn't work out because she didn't have an education. When the real reason they didn't work out was because he got tired of her narcissism and drama).

And, she concluded the email by telling him about how her daughter keeps bugging her about a car. Now, she didn't come right out and ask him to buy her daughter a car, but how many of you out there agree that this is what she is hinting at? I believe that she is trying to use my pregnancy to guilt my husband into buying her daughter a used car, but it's not going to happen. We are expecting a child, I am in graduate school, and we are looking for a house; so there is no money for anyone outside our family unit.

And, who thinks the ex-wife wants him back?

 

I'm not threatened by her. I know that my husband is not interested in her at all, but it still bothers me that she's even trying this crap. And, I hate that she's trying to make him feel guilty for moving on with his life. They've been divorced for like 6 years now, and he and I have been together for 4.5 years (married 2.5). When is she going to let go of this bitter ex routine?

 

 

The ex-W just won't go away and he won't tell her to stop emailing until her daughter turns 18. He does care about her daughter. Even though he wasn't married to the mom for very long (5 years); he was with her on and off for 10 years. They dated, married, and by the end of the first year of marriage they were no longer living together. Throughout all that time he still kept in touch with her daughter, and she was allowed to spend Christmas with his family.

 

This woman told my husband that he was a bad father when he divorced her. How would she know when they have no kids together? She asked for child support and alimony which she didn't get because they have no children together and weren't even living together the majority of their marriage. She took her daughter out of the expensive private school that my husband was paying for when he divorced her. She thought she was punishing him but really she was punishing her own daughter. The one thing she(ex) could have gotten away with/continued help with was the tuition and she cut that off herself. Can anyone say stupid move, or self-destructive?

My husband does not give any monetary support to his ex-wife or daughter, but he does keep in touch and send the girl Christmas/birthday presents.

 

Does anyone else out there have any experience with an ex-wife or husband who really has no excuse to keep holding on because no biological kids are involved?

 

Oh how I know. The best advice I can give is to cut off all contact which includes, texting, emailing and phone or letters. People that do not get on with their lives need to be contained. Yes Contained. So as a result all communication must stop asap......That has been the only way I could deal with my ex. I would never tell someone else what to do but for me its worked wonders. If there is no communication, no drama, reactions, eventually they will stop. When they get no reaction over time the fun for them is over.....But you have to stick with it......It may take months or years.....Worked for me.....

[Econ_Dagney]

I agree that the email-bickering with ex-wife and her daughter have got to stop, but I'm not the one to make that decision. I have encouraged him to call her if he wants to. I have posed no threat and told him that I'm not threatened by their relationship. He keeps straddling the fence in terms of his relationship with her. Yes, they have known each other for 10 years, and haven't seen each other in 4.5 years. At first it was because her mother requested that he stay away, but then he was invited back into their lives about a year and a half ago. The mother never lost touch via email in all this time, but only offered to let him reunite with her daughter 1.5 years ago.

I understand that he is the only dad that she has known. I get that. I also get that she's probably having a hard time right now adjusting to the fact that he is having a biological child with anyone, but all of this bickering is stressing me out.

I wish that he would just make up his mind already.

We don't live in the same state as them so it's easy for him to make excuses not to see her, but we do go to their home state twice a year to visit my family. Every time we go to their home state, I always ask him if he'd like some time to himself to meet up with the ex's daughter and he says no. It's his choice. I don't know if he's making it worse by staying in the periphery of her life when she obviously wants him to be more of a real dad. I don't know that she's not taking out her anger and frustration over not having her bio father in her life on my husband. Maybe she feels as though she has been rejected by both men and that's part of her reason for lashing out? She only has one means of communicating with my husband... because he can't give her the number without taking the risk that she will give it to her mom and then we'll have to deal with nasty phone calls as well. Neither of them have had his numbers in 5 years. I'm trying to see where she (ex's daughter)is coming from. I am doing my best not to get overly frustrated at her and her mother for badgering my husband to step up. I am trying not to get frustrated at my husband for not handling this better and deciding one way or the other, but I am just about at the point where if it gets worse I will take over.

If I take over, then I would tell him to call the daughter and hash it out with her one way or the other. I would also make sure that ex-wife knows not to contact him to discuss anything other than her daughter, politics, and the weather.

I'm just ready for some sort of resolution now, because I can see that the ex and her daughter are likely to get worse the closer I get to my due date. She stepped out of line bringing up his old affairs- that was between him and her mother. It was a low shot.

I don't need this stress when I'm busy focusing on my pregnancy, school, and the happy bits of our marriage. I would have sorted things out a long time ago but wasn't certain it was my place to intervene. I am hormonal right now and highly annoyed. 24 weeks pregnant is not a good time for me to be annoyed.

[NoIDidn't]

Encourage him to call the girl. He's the only father that she's ever known. Three months is a long time, as is 4.5 years, to not be in contact with someone he claims he helped raise.

 

I get that he is conflicted, and so does she. That's why she's lashing out in emails to him.

 

Ignore the ex-W, accept to tell her somehow to allow them to have a relationship that comfortable for them considering the child is not "blood". But the child probably does feel threatened right now. If she isn't, he should tell her. If she is, he should let her know where his obligations lie as he is no longer married to her mother.

 

This situation is toughest on the child and you. He should step up and stop allowing you to be the one feeling all this pressure over things that really don't involve you.

[Econ_Dagney]

Thanks for understanding how awkward and uncomfortable this is for me. I am doing my best to be understanding, but I want things in my life to move forward. I was more than willing to welcome into our life, but I just can't deal with all the excess drama right now.

My husband and I discussed it this evening and he said that he would like to stay in contact with her, but not enough to put up with her mother's drama indefinitely. What does that mean? I am going to have to press the issue with him.

 

The fact that his ex got in on the action today and sent him another nasty email really didn't help matters any. The woman managed to simultaneously ask him to treat her daughter fairly because she's upset - (and yes she did mention that as far as her daughter is concerned he is the dad because he was there since age 5/6), whilst putting him down for casting the girl out when he found something better (a new wife and a biological child). What they don't seem to get is that the more drama they create, the more likely he is to back away from her daughter. I have no doubt in my mind that he would never treat a biological child like this because the men in his family are really stand-up guys when they come to their biological kids, but this situation is only likely to get worse if he doesn't deal with her before the baby is actually here. The ex and daughter know that he's a good dad...no matter what else they think of him. That girl was absolutely spoiled and coddled by him. She got whatever she asked for right up until about a year after the divorce when he started seeing me and the ex decided to limit their contact. At 12 years old she was getting $600 designer frames for eye-glasses and in an expensive boarding school that he was paying for. Her mother took her out of private school to punish him (I know I keep mentioning this, but how insane is that?). I mean seriously what single-mother in her right mind takes that opportunity away from her daughter and thinks she's punishing her ex by doing it?

 

It was inevitable that his priorities would change once we got married, but the ex essentially railroaded her daughter out of the relationship with him because she was angry at him for moving on, and now they've managed to blame him for everything when he wasn't allowed to see her for 3 years. Okay so his absence from her life in the last year and half has been his choice, but her mother put her in this situation. Initially he didn't want to abandon his step-daughter, and now I can't get him to make the effort to sort things out with her. It's a conundrum.

[Econ_Dagney]

Now the ex is asking my husband to compromise about money with her daughter...so it was about money. The girl really did want money for a trip to New York with her friends. Basically wanting to reclaim her old lifestyle but he can't afford to help her out and we have to set boundaries where money is concerned.

The ex said that he didn't have to give the girl a monthly stipend but that it might help if it sent her daughter some spending money from time to time as a compromise. WTF?

This is why I want the ex out of the situation...she is just making things worse for her daughter. She shouldn't be involved at all and I want to tell her that.

 

The ex's daughter is going to drive him away and it will have nothing to do with me or the baby.