Do ppl in relationships look down on single people?

January 3, 2010

Whenever a friend gets involved in a serious relationship, they start nitpicking and trying to play matchmaker with the single friend...trying to hook them up with anybody..even losers. Why do you do this? Do ppl in relationships start to look down on their single friends? Its quite annoying

January 3, 2010

As a woman in her forties who was never married, I often have the feeling that people in a relationship look down on single people. I have not really had the experience that they start matchmaking but some friends of mine have suggested (they think it's funny) to get together with some really creepy or ugly guy we both knew and I have found this very hurtful. I actually have broken contact with them because at several occasions they made hurtful remarks about my single status.

One question that really drives me up the wall is people who ask you "How come a woman like you is still single?" I find this such an insulting question. I feel it is impossible to answer that question without coming across as someone difficult of too sensitive.

January 3, 2010

As someone married, I don't look down on single people. But I do find myself matchmaking sometimes.

When you're in a happy relationship, you want that same happiness for the people you care about. And no, I don't try to match people up with losers.

In your situation, it's possible they have a different concept of loserhood.

January 3, 2010

IME, friends never tried to 'fix me up' nor did they 'look down' on my relationship status. This includes a period from becoming an adult until I married at 41. My only suggestion would be to choose different friends.

January 3, 2010

As someone married, I don't look down on single people. But I do find myself matchmaking sometimes.

When you're in a happy relationship, you want that same happiness for the people you care about. And no, I don't try to match people up with losers.

In your situation, it's possible they have a different concept of loserhood.

I would have been very happy if they would have matchmade a bit if it concerned normal, decent guys. But the guy in question was so stuck in bachelorhood that he once showed up at work with two different shoes... And he was 25 kg overweight whereas I am slim and dress well.

January 3, 2010

IME, friends never tried to 'fix me up' nor did they 'look down' on my relationship status. This includes a period from becoming an adult until I married at 41. My only suggestion would be to choose different friends.

I ended this friendship, Carhill. We had been friends for 19 years, it was painful for me... Sometimes I think that I should have ended the friendship earlier, somehow I have the feeling that this couple and their "funny" remarks undermined my selfconfidence concerning having a relationship.

January 3, 2010

I ended this friendship, Carhill. We had been friends for 19 years, it was painful for me... Sometimes I think that I should have ended the friendship earlier, somehow I have the feeling that this couple and their "funny" remarks undermined my selfconfidence concerning having a relationship.

IMO, that's healthy. 'Single' again at 50, I'm finding those friends who stuck with me from my 'old days' as a single man to be just as supportive, if not more so, now than before. When I was married, my stbx and I did arrange a few 'dinners' for single friends to meet and greet at, but never pushed any agenda. They were merely large dinner parties with a mixed group. Being single for 20+ years, I couldn't imagine 'looking down' on our single friends, simply because I lived that life and didn't see it as anything worthy of commentary. It's one path.

TBH, even though I've expressed interest in dating, I kind of like the single path. I think, as your 40's turn into your 50's, you might see changes in perspective.

About the only painful spot for me is children, mainly my friend's grandchildren; a reminder of what I was unable to have. I do enjoy them so, even with that twinge

January 3, 2010

IMO, that's healthy. 'Single' again at 50, I'm finding those friends who stuck with me from my 'old days' as a single man to be just as supportive, if not more so, now than before. When I was married, my stbx and I did arrange a few 'dinners' for single friends to meet and greet at, but never pushed any agenda. They were merely large dinner parties with a mixed group. Being single for 20+ years, I couldn't imagine 'looking down' on our single friends, simply because I lived that life and didn't see it as anything worthy of commentary. It's one path.

I think it is nice that you kept in contact with your single friends. I do not expect friends in a relationship to matchmake. I just wish they understand that I am not single by choice and that being a single woman in your forties is not always easy. I like friends to whom I can complain a bit without getting all kind of "advice" which is insulting and unuseful.

TBH, even though I've expressed interest in dating, I kind of like the single path. I think, as your 40's turn into your 50's, you might see changes in perspective.

I've known the single path for my whole life and I don't want it. I am very good at living alone but I find it very sterile. It prevents me from having a context in which I can develop my softer, feminine side.

January 3, 2010

My male friends are a mix of married and single men. My female friends are married or in relationships. Pretty similar to how it was when married, as well as prior to being married. As a married couple, we didn't draw lines according to relationship status. TBH, most of the time I never gave it a second thought, even when I was single (no girlfriend) entertaining married and other single friends. They were friends. People I liked spending time with.

Think about why the dearth of a steady man in your life prevents the development of your softer, feminine side and why those reasons are important to you.

January 3, 2010

Think about why the dearth of a steady man in your life prevents the development of your softer, feminine side and why those reasons are important to you.

I want a man in my life who I can love and who loves me. I want to share things with a man with whom I have a strong connection. Even the most interesting, busy, full single life cannot replace that. I don't want to be single and I never wanted to be. I just happen to be single and try to make the most of it. It works better some days than others, depending on how much energy I have. I refuse to ever reconcile with being single although that does not mean that I am actively looking for someone. I just try to have a good life but I keep hoping I will meet that special man. People who have been married for 50 years did not want to be single either, did they?

Some people say that you will find someone if you are not looking for someone. That is the most stupid advice I have ever heard. If you don't want something, then why would you take it when you find it. If you want a job and a very good one is offered, you won't turn that offer down either, won't you.

I hate it when people suggest to me that the fact that I am single is a conscious choice for a way of life. It is not, just like the fact that I have no children is not the consequence of a deliberate choice. It just happened because I never was in a relationship which was right to have children.

January 3, 2010

Why do you do this?

cause they need a couple to go out with

January 3, 2010

WITP, I'll turn it around. Why, when I was single, would the dearth of a woman in my life prevent me from developing my stronger, more masculine side? Was that 'side' only a product of or contingent upon having a woman in my life? Why? Can I only be 'a man' if I'm with a woman? Why?

I faced some of those questions and found that becoming 'that man' as a single person is what changed the dynamic wrt relationships. I saw and pursued that path for my own health, health which sustains me in divorce.

Many posters here suggest, if you're getting the same results from interactions with different people, the one commonality in those interactions is you. I've found, upon reflection, it to be true in my own life experience. You have no power over others. You have all the power over you. Hope it works out

January 3, 2010

WITP, I'll turn it around. Why, when I was single, would the dearth of a woman in my life prevent me from developing my stronger, more masculine side? Was that 'side' only a product of or contingent upon having a woman in my life? Why? Can I only be 'a man' if I'm with a woman? Why?

I faced some of those questions and found that becoming 'that man' as a single person is what changed the dynamic wrt relationships. I saw and pursued that path for my own health, health which sustains me in divorce.

Many posters here suggest, if you're getting the same results from interactions with different people, the one commonality in those interactions is you. I've found, upon reflection, it to be true in my own life experience. You have no power over others. You have all the power over you. Hope it works out

Carhill, I am a deep person who does a lot of introspection. But the fact that I am single is not my "fault" or my responsibility. It happened. There is nothing in my personality or in my behaviour that makes me unfit for a relationship.

I knew a couple who consider themselves to be "spiritual" people, they believe in "karma" and reincarnation stuff. They once had the nerve to tell me that the fact that I was still single meant that I was not "ready" for a relationship. As a result of this remark, I ended the friendship. I thought that is was a horrible thing to say. The guy of that couple was an incredible neurotic, narcistic guy who was lucky enough to find an Easteuropean girl looking for a wealthier future in western Europe who wanted to marry him. And the marriage only worked because she put up with all his neurotic behaviour (and no countrywoman of his never could). No way this guy was more "ready" than me for a relationship.

I know the one factor that makes it difficult for me is that my own mother has brainwashed me into thinking that no man would ever want me. That has definitely influenced my self-confidence about my chances to be in a relationship. And it's a vicious circle. Because of my low self-confidence I have found myself in relationships which were not good for me. And because of these relationships my self-confidence has suffered even more. This is something for which I am using EMDR and hypnosis. I don't think I can do more than that.

I was looking on the internet about how people perceive unwanted singleness and I found this post which expresses my feelings about it:

"Now I'm 37, and still being never-married and getting closer to 40, it's almost like living with a chronic pain; some days it's not too bad, and I can forget about it for a while, and other days it's hard to keep from falling apart. I don't talk about it with family or friends, though, save for one single friend who is in a similar place, and even then I can't tell her how much it hurts -- and hurts on a daily basis."

The last sentence has become very true for me: I do not talk about it anymore because the comments I received were painful. It always boils down to the same: people tell you that you are flawed: you are too picky, too difficult, too focused on it, etc... All remarks with which I can't do anything.

January 3, 2010

basically, I am YOU, 100%

You probably are hurting just as deeply if not more from the judgments of others and their nitpicking advice about what you're doing wrong. I am justlike you and I know I AM NOT doing anything wrong. I, just like you, are a fun, friendly, cheerful, loving and kind person. Sometimes in life, you don't happen to meet a partner.

I too suffer from the chronic pain that you mentioned, a physical desire to be touched, not necessarily sexually just, affectionately, by a romantic partner. This physical pain from not being touched is suffocating. Do you ever feel this way?

People in relationships, in my opinion, DO tend to look down on single people,, like they are up on their high horse because they have a successful relationship so therefore they are the expert on relationships, and then ssetting you up with people they wouldn't go out with themselves. Well, they mostly got LUCKY in meeting their partner, and then worked really hard to make the relationship work.

They say relationships are hard work, but no one ever talks about the luck required to initially get a partner who is interested in working with you. THATpart, is Luck. So, I say, stop blaming the "victim" in this case, you are just a victim of circumstance.

I know lots of really AMAZING women who didn't marry, because somehow it didn't happen. It's not becase they had some horrible character flaw or bad judgment. I HATE SOCIETY for stigmatizing single women (not so much single men as women) for their singleness. It is somethign that has eaten away at me and hontesly, almost hurts MORE than it does to not have someone.

Also, I hate the saying, "you find it when you're not looking." It's meant well but it's basically bulls--t, like you said. Of course it's counterproductive if you try WAY too hard, but other than that, most people find relationships because they're looking, whether they think they are or not. What bull crap.

kind regards to you. You seem like a very interesting, deep, soulful person that I would like to get to know more about. (i am female so I am not hitting on you, FYI)

cheers,

LF

January 4, 2010

WalkinthePark, I know how you feel. Even though I am younger than you, I still get a stigma for being single. It started when I got into my mid 20s last year.

I had a friend who was single for awhile, and she got into a relationship and started looking down on me. She made a remark that I would never "find a man because I act weird", and she tried to hook me up with losers. Her boyfriend had a loser friend, who was in his mid 30s, had no real home, drifted from his mom's home to any relative who would take him in, no real job, and was an alcoholic. When I didn't want to date this guy she said that I was being "difficult". I eventually ended the friendship with her partly because of this and other reasons.

I keep my relationship status private, especially at work. I don't tell ppl I am single, i'll lie and say I have somebody. I've seen how people are very cruel especially to much older women that are single, every single thing they do is blamed on not having a man. A group of women did not like a coworker in particular and thought about putting a dildo in her desk because she didn't have a man & was edgy at work a lot.

January 4, 2010

basically, I am YOU, 100%

You probably are hurting just as deeply if not more from the judgments of others and their nitpicking advice about what you're doing wrong. I am justlike you and I know I AM NOT doing anything wrong. I, just like you, are a fun, friendly, cheerful, loving and kind person. Sometimes in life, you don't happen to meet a partner.

I know of myself that I would be a better person if I would be in a relationship (I have noticed I was that way at the moment my relationships seemed to be going OK). Why? Because I am more relaxed, I feel more supported. I need someone to care deeply about me and to care deeply about someone else. No friendship, job, activity can replace that. These things have value as well but they are not the same.

I come from a disfunctional family and have no contact with my family anymore (it is better that way). But it means that I have to do a lot of stuff on my own and this causes stress although I am by no means uptight by nature.

I too suffer from the chronic pain that you mentioned, a physical desire to be touched, not necessarily sexually just, affectionately, by a romantic partner. This physical pain from not being touched is suffocating. Do you ever feel this way?

I definitely do because I love to cuddle the person I love.

People in relationships, in my opinion, DO tend to look down on single people,, like they are up on their high horse because they have a successful relationship so therefore they are the expert on relationships, and then ssetting you up with people they wouldn't go out with themselves. Well, they mostly got LUCKY in meeting their partner, and then worked really hard to make the relationship work.

There are 2 or 3 married people I know who have really comforted me because they did not sit on their high horse but told exactly the same thing your are saying here: that they had been LUCKY to find their partner, and that if they wouldn't have met him/her, they would still be single.

I know lots of really AMAZING women who didn't marry, because somehow it didn't happen. It's not becase they had some horrible character flaw or bad judgment. I HATE SOCIETY for stigmatizing single women (not so much single men as women) for their singleness. It is somethign that has eaten away at me and hontesly, almost hurts MORE than it does to not have someone.

That last sentence is so true. It's not only the pain of not having someone, it is the pain of not being able to say that you are suffering because you are afraid of the hurtful remarks.

I was involved with a MM for a while and for the record, I did not know at first that he was married otherwise I would not have started a relationship with him. Why is his W married to him and I am not? Because they met as teenagers, got married very young and are now so stuck with each other that they don't have the courage to split up. His W is no way "better" than me, as a matter of fact, I have made a lot more of my life than she ever has and ever will.

I just carry on. Some days it is better than others. But it is always there.

January 4, 2010

Her boyfriend had a loser friend, who was in his mid 30s, had no real home, drifted from his mom's home to any relative who would take him in, no real job, and was an alcoholic. When I didn't want to date this guy she said that I was being "difficult". I eventually ended the friendship with her partly because of this and other reasons.

Amazing isn't it? Do these people not realize that they insult you by suggesting that you would hook up with such a loser. The "you are too picky/difficult" is such a killer. As if you are some leftover who should get together with some other leftover.

It is good that you ended the friendship because such a contact is not constructive.

January 4, 2010

You said this

I know of myself that I would be a better person if I would be in a relationship (I have noticed I was that way at the moment my relationships seemed to be going OK). Why? Because I am more relaxed, I feel more supported. I need someone to care deeply about me and to care deeply about someone else. No friendship, job, activity can replace that. These things have value as well but they are not the same.
I come from a disfunctional family and have no contact with my family anymore (it is better that way). But it means that I have to do a lot of stuff on my own and this causes stress although I am by no means uptight by nature.

I am alot, exactly like you. I've noticed that times when I have been in some sort of relationship, even a pseudo relationship with limited contact, I have been VERY PRODUCTIVE in my work, hobbies, personal goals. One time I had a guy calling me every day, I took 4 classes - in swedish, filmmaking, acting, etc. - in addition to working a very hectic full time, corporate job, AND recorded 2 songs in the music studio. That was in the course of 4 months.

My LEAST productive times have been the long stretches of times that things have been "dry" ... eg. sometimes for months at a time. sad to admit i am almost crippled by sadness and can really only exercise every day by hiking the hills near my work, putting in hours and hours of work (it's a very demanding job) and spending time with friends. my hobbies, like skiing and surfing, which normally bring me joy, do nothing for me whatsoever.

Like you, I have limited contact with family (I am not estranged, however. My parents give me a great deal of stress, most of it emotional and i feel a great deatl of guilt that I have somehow "failed" both careerwise as well as in finding a partner.

I am glad that you posted on here. I feel like we have a lot in common.

January 4, 2010

Me too, at 38, long for a partner to share everything i've built. And no, I don't go looking because of past (childhood) experiences that have really kept me from having a "textbook" life. I learned at a very young age that people were not to be trusted- that never helped in relationships. I finally had a "time-out" of 6 yrs...no men, no dating, just self reflection. I think I am now ready to have a healthy relationship.

I had convinced myself before that I liked being single, that it was my way of life. It's not ! Luckily I don't have a child-wish, because then I would have been panicking at this age.

@ carhill, about the comment of the "softer side" ...as a single woman, with ambition (own house, car...and all the maintenance that comes with it, self employed with an yearly income bigger than my mortgage) you have to defend yourself against nearly everything you do. A colleague will ask you "what did you do this weekend" oh well, the usual : repaired the paddock fencing, hung up the curtain rail - because it came down again. And they will look at you to see if you're faking, and then ask "what about your boyfriend/husband ???" it kills you, but you have to keep up a straight face and seem like you don't care, like you can handle it all !!

And then, when the truth strikes them: why are you not married ?? you can get any guy you want !!

yeah, sure.

January 4, 2010

@ carhill, about the comment of the "softer side" ...as a single woman, with ambition (own house, car...and all the maintenance that comes with it, self employed with an yearly income bigger than my mortgage) you have to defend yourself against nearly everything you do.

So true. My feeling is that you are almost obliged to wear a suit of armour as a single woman, especially if you are one that has a good career.

I can give so many examples. I ordered a bed and the guy who came to deliver let himself fall on it and asked with a wink if I wanted to try it out. A co-owner in my apartment building (married of course) always behaves in a "sticky" way when he sees me (always tries to kiss me on the cheek instead of giving me a hand) and wants to have dinner with me. If I go to a restaurant I have to watch out or they put me on the worst table close to the door so that I am sitting in a draught the whole time.

All this would not happen if people saw me with a man.

I have given up on internetdating because I could not deal anymore with the negative reactions I got from some men. And this towards a pretty, kind, slim feminine woman who just happens to be in her forties without ever having been married or having had kids. When they hear that I have a good job (my job is very specific so when people hear what I am doing they know I have a good income), they react pissed (jealousy I presume). When I hear that I have never been married, they react in a very critical way. When they hear that you don't have kids, they presume that you hate kids.

I am no b!tch but you have to behave like one to survive as a single woman in this world.

January 4, 2010

We had some similar females in our social circle (actually friends of my stbx) and I never saw them that way (looked down upon them). They were divorced and battle-hardened from custody fights and issues with ex'es, but still could present themselves in a predominantly feminine fashion.

The whole dynamic of the 'tough' single woman probably deserves a thread of its own. I had some really thought-out psychological stuff typed out, but find it to be off-topic so will shelve it.

I can say, as someone who was single until 41, I can empathize. I never felt 'looked down upon', but perhaps wasn't perceptive enough to discern what was going on. Having a bit more perspective now, I'll report how it goes

January 4, 2010

I've never looked down at single people while in a relationship. I know for myself, I sometimes do feel the urge to play matchmaker with single friends mostly so they won't feel "third wheel-like" when they are out with my SO and I. I don't do it to make them feel bad or anything, the intention is to possibly help them find someone that will make them happy also. Double dates are always fun as well!

I do make sure to check and see if they actually are intested in meeting someone first, I made a huge mistake by trying to fix up a friend who wasn't looking to date!

January 4, 2010

I've spent most of my life single - to the point that even now that I'm in a relationship, I still identify much more to being single (it's only been 6 months and we'll be in a LDR in 4).

I've never really felt like people in relationships looked down on me for being single. I do understand they'll have other priorities once they settle into 'couple' patterns. And yes, as they start families, they tend to hang out with other couples who are also starting family. I still remain in the picture as auntie K though.

I've only been set up once and it was to a really sweet guy. Not ideal for me as he wanted a non-career oriented woman, but how could my friends have known that?

I wonder if perhaps your own insecurities about being single are seeping through your perceptions of your friends' actions.

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