k2quit Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Hi, a very common question. I am wondering if it is justified to leave my husband. We don't have kids yet. My husband never shows me any kind of emotions. He has a problem with porn, which is something told him from the beginning that am not comfortable with but since he started hiding it from me, I decided, rather than fight with him over it, I asked him to let me watch it with him such that I don't feel cheated on emotionally. He refused and lied to me that he had stopped. But I always find videos hidden in the house or clips on the computer. He wakes up in the middle of the night to watch and masturbate to it. I wish he was doing this and at the same time getting intimate with me, but he is not interested in me at all. The kind of women he looks at are really big with big breasts and he has made it clear to me in not so many words how I am not good enough. This has taken my esteem to rock bottom. I realized that few times we have any bedroom action (coz he never shows any signs of being interested unless I ask, which in most cases he says he's exhausted, yet he doesn't work, he stays at home all day), anyway the few times we do it, he just lays there and I do all the work till he's done, without even lifting a finger. No foreplay nothing. just like it is shown in most of those porn clips he watches. I am forced to put up with that or else he'll just go to the bathroom and masturbate. Anyway long story short, I tried to convince myself not to be bothered much about the porn so instead tried to ask him if there's anything that he likes in the clips that I could do to him. but all I would get is 'No am good". Well I've always assumed he's just shy when it comes to talking about those intimate bedroom details which he calls 'vulgar". Shocker!! I was surprised when I came across emails exchanged between him and several women. Him telling them what he'd want them to do to his **** and how he'd want to this and that to their ******* and breasts(jeez am sure you have an idea). I don't know how far this goes, and I don't want to assume anything. He tells them how pretty they are (he never compliments me. I know am pretty). When I confronted him about it of course he denied until I printed the mails for him, then he gave me the classic.."it meant nothing". Anyway I found out that he still continues to have these internet affairs, plus he has registered on dating sites, stating that he's looking for women to date, others he states that he's looking for casual sex. I know of a former co-worker he had an affair with though he denies, but they have spent a lot of time together, and he has spent some nights at her place, but he denies anything happened. I have spotted them before, in a restaurant in a very compromising position. Yet my hubby cannot even hold my hand in public. I have met her (the co-worker) at least twice, just by mistake because he never wanted me to get to know her and she was very resentful towards me, despite the fact that I tried to be friendly. I am really confused on how to handle this, because it has gotten worse with time. When I told him I want to leave, he said it is ok. He has never protested or tried to convince me not to. He says that he would prefer that I stayed but since I want to leave it is OK with him. I wonder what to do because I am still young - almost 30, no kids to tie me down. He doesn't abuse me verbally or physically, he never complains, he's very polite, he cooks, cleans and does all that nice stuff (LOL.. just not to me) but that's not enough. He's not romantic, never remembers my birthdays, never bought me gifts or done anything special for me. We live like brother and sister. His coldness has increased with time and his lies have hit the ceiling and am tired of being lied to like a fool. Sometimes I withhold the proof I have and watch him try to make a fool of me when he lies. It really hurts!! Whenever I introduce him to my girlfriends, I would find out later that they are calling each other very late in the night, behind my back. He will only admit to something if I prove it. We have talked about it at length, calmly, but he just keeps quiet and tells me to make a decision. or leave him if I want to. I am still living with him though we haven't spoken to each other for months and that doesn't bother him. please advice me, should I divorce him?? I care about him but am not in love with him. I am not happy, I have never been. I don't think he's happy either, but he has porn to cover up. Sorry for the long post
2sunny Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 yikes - there is so much wrong with this M that the only thing i can say is to leave. life is too short to be a prisoner of his lies, deceit and cover up. he's not even participating in this M. seems like a huge burden would be lifted from you. he's not willing to change - so resolving yourself to a lifetime of this misery is a sad existence. you can be much happier on your own - i guarantee it.
Yukikazi Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 How the frack did you 2 end up together in the first place?
freestyle Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 He is abusing you............emotionally. Withholding sex and affection are classic signs of emotional abuse. As is lying and cheating. You even offered to watch porn with him, in an attempt to connect with him, and he still denied you. It sounds to me like he only cares about his own pleasure.It also sounds like he's got a personality disorder, to be so cold and indifferent to your obvious suffering. No one, but no one, deserves to be mistreated to this extent. I'm so sorry you're going through this.........*hugs*
RedDevil66 Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 There is something I learned a long time ago "stop being a doormat" Your husband is not only a sex addict, but he sounds like a classic sociopath. But the real issue is not him, it's you. You need to ask yourself why you would accept this sort of abuse. You say he cooks, cleans and does nice stuff, well Ted Bundy and other sick demented poeple also had thier good sides, but do these good things really delete the fact they they are truly evil and sick? no, it does not! You need to leave this guy before you end up in the mental ward. You are worth A LOT more than what he's doing to you. Please get into some therapy
RedDevil66 Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 oh, and get tested for STD's. This will turn out with you getting HIV due to this sicko!
You'reasian Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Hi, a very common question. I am wondering if it is justified to leave my husband. We don't have kids yet. My husband never shows me any kind of emotions. He has a problem with porn, which is something told him from the beginning that am not comfortable with but since he started hiding it from me, I decided, rather than fight with him over it, I asked him to let me watch it with him such that I don't feel cheated on emotionally. He refused and lied to me that he had stopped. But I always find videos hidden in the house or clips on the computer. He wakes up in the middle of the night to watch and masturbate to it. I wish he was doing this and at the same time getting intimate with me, but he is not interested in me at all. The kind of women he looks at are really big with big breasts and he has made it clear to me in not so many words how I am not good enough. This has taken my esteem to rock bottom. I realized that few times we have any bedroom action (coz he never shows any signs of being interested unless I ask, which in most cases he says he's exhausted, yet he doesn't work, he stays at home all day), anyway the few times we do it, he just lays there and I do all the work till he's done, without even lifting a finger. No foreplay nothing. just like it is shown in most of those porn clips he watches. I am forced to put up with that or else he'll just go to the bathroom and masturbate. Anyway long story short, I tried to convince myself not to be bothered much about the porn so instead tried to ask him if there's anything that he likes in the clips that I could do to him. but all I would get is 'No am good". Well I've always assumed he's just shy when it comes to talking about those intimate bedroom details which he calls 'vulgar". Shocker!! I was surprised when I came across emails exchanged between him and several women. Him telling them what he'd want them to do to his **** and how he'd want to this and that to their ******* and breasts(jeez am sure you have an idea). I don't know how far this goes, and I don't want to assume anything. He tells them how pretty they are (he never compliments me. I know am pretty). When I confronted him about it of course he denied until I printed the mails for him, then he gave me the classic.."it meant nothing". Anyway I found out that he still continues to have these internet affairs, plus he has registered on dating sites, stating that he's looking for women to date, others he states that he's looking for casual sex. I know of a former co-worker he had an affair with though he denies, but they have spent a lot of time together, and he has spent some nights at her place, but he denies anything happened. I have spotted them before, in a restaurant in a very compromising position. Yet my hubby cannot even hold my hand in public. I have met her (the co-worker) at least twice, just by mistake because he never wanted me to get to know her and she was very resentful towards me, despite the fact that I tried to be friendly. I am really confused on how to handle this, because it has gotten worse with time. When I told him I want to leave, he said it is ok. He has never protested or tried to convince me not to. He says that he would prefer that I stayed but since I want to leave it is OK with him. I wonder what to do because I am still young - almost 30, no kids to tie me down. He doesn't abuse me verbally or physically, he never complains, he's very polite, he cooks, cleans and does all that nice stuff (LOL.. just not to me) but that's not enough. He's not romantic, never remembers my birthdays, never bought me gifts or done anything special for me. We live like brother and sister. His coldness has increased with time and his lies have hit the ceiling and am tired of being lied to like a fool. Sometimes I withhold the proof I have and watch him try to make a fool of me when he lies. It really hurts!! Whenever I introduce him to my girlfriends, I would find out later that they are calling each other very late in the night, behind my back. He will only admit to something if I prove it. We have talked about it at length, calmly, but he just keeps quiet and tells me to make a decision. or leave him if I want to. I am still living with him though we haven't spoken to each other for months and that doesn't bother him. please advice me, should I divorce him?? I care about him but am not in love with him. I am not happy, I have never been. I don't think he's happy either, but he has porn to cover up. Sorry for the long post Porn use is not a bad thing, as long as both partners are ok with it. Seems like he let you know about it upfront. Same when women/couples use sex toys - nothing wrong so long as both of you are ok with it. Moving on to the next issues - Romance. Set some time for the two of you to hang out and appreciate each other. The gushy, mushy romance stuff doesn't last forever in relationships, but love does. The diminshing romance can make women especially vulnerable, since they like it alot. Best suggestion is relationship counselling. You keep threatening to leave. He says its ok. Seems like you are bluffing to threaten him and he is calling you out on it. Perhaps its time for the two of you to be apart and reconcile the marriage.... how did you end up marrying him?
alphamale Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 , should I divorce him?? yes i think you should
Justtoodangtired Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 OMG, if ever there was a relationship that needed to end, it is yours. You deserve so much better. Please get out. I can tell you I have lived a lot of your relationship and let me tell you it only progresses. Although, I have to say, yours has already progressed past what mine has. There is only so much you can do and it seems you have done all you can do. Please save what is left of your diginity and self respect and get out of this marriage. He is selfish beyond words. You already know this marriage will never work. So, save your years more of pain. Start putting your life together without him. Let me be the sick bastard he wants to be.......ALONE! You deserve someone who LOVES YOU and ONLY YOU! I wish you the best. As Dr. Phil says, The only thing worse than being in a bad relationship for x years, is being in a bad relationship for x years and one day! Leave and do it now!
BlueeyedJonesy Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 run!! far far away from this man. not only are you physically at risk..but he is hurting you mentally as well. He is a sex addict and if he shows no signs of wanting to change then you need get away from him. With that being said..most sexual addicts have ALOT of pride and usually don't even know that what they are doing is wrong. IF you are completely in this for the long haul then get him help, but just be ready because it is a loooong process that will do alot more damage before it gets better. so now you just need to decide how big that pot of gold is at the end. Trust me I've been EXACTLY where you are right now, and no my H was not as extreme as this but it only gets worse with time. Weigh your options make a list of positives and negatives...if the negative list is longer than the positive..then you know this isn't a battle worth fighting. Good luck & ((BIG hugs))
Slappy Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Yes i think you should leave him. I would never treat anyone like he treats you especially my Wife.
Clep Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I think he has made it clear that you are not a priority at all and has no interest in you at no fault of your own. I would personally leave the relationship in search of myself first and a relationship second that was mutually satisfying.
Angel1111 Posted January 11, 2010 Posted January 11, 2010 I'm trying to figure out why you're even there. In the future, don't ever tolerate a man treating you this way. This boy is sick.
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