letitrock40 Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 my ex and i dated for 2.5 years, starting in 11th grade, and ending right before sophomore year about 4 months ago. we had a good relationship, i thought, we fought sometimes and all, but we would spend every chance we had with each other. the reason for the break up is still confusing me, its like she is trying to justify breaking up with me by coming up with some of the most confusing reasons, like for example, one time she says its because we're so young and too serious, another time she says it was because weren't compatible... so we break up, i freak out, and after about a week and a half of bugging her every couple of days i start NC, she just transferred to a new college about an hour from mine this year, so she was meeting new ppl, she met a guy and they started dating about 4 weeks after we broke up...this guy is probably everything opposite of what she would normally go for. she liked me clean cut, she didnt like me to curse around her, she didnt want me to smoke or do drugs, her new boyfriend smokes weed, has dreadlocks, curses a lot, smokes hookah, i mean it baffles me why they are dating and how she fell for him... at this point i was like okay i dont care she's not my ex, so i sent her a message for closure one day, just to cut everything off, i asked her to tell me she didnt love me anymore, and that i was going to move on. she replied "honestly, of course i love you, but i dont know if we are meant to be." for some reason, that made it incredibly hard for me to let go, knowing that she still loved me, but at the same time encouraging me to move on as well, saying she only wanted happiness for me, so i started to let go again...i sent her a message about 3 weeks later saying that i still loved her and that i missed her and i dont know how she could hurt me like that, she replied telling me that she wanted to be with me, and she struggled with not coming back to me, but she didn't wnat a serious relationship, again telling me to move on, but also telling me if i really wanted her, i needed to leave her alone for a while and let her discover what she really wants, and for me do the same. its confusing to me. i know it shouldnt matter to me, i just am really curious about this whole situation. also, when i found out she was dating someone else, i kind of freaked out and sent the new guys facebook address to a bunch of my female friends to see what they thought of him, and maybe 18 out of 20, thought i was joking, or thought she was crazy.
carolinawanderer Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 I'm a guy, and honestly, guys do confusing stuff too. It probably has to do more with her being young and restless than being a girl. A lot of people at stage in their life feel a need to "look around." It sucks, and it's totally unfair. But that's how people are. Some people are more loyal and need a relationship more than others.
Bulldozed Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 CW - she's feeding you breadcrumbs...respectfully decline the offering. Read the attached at least 3 times each. And stick to NC....she will either come to her senses and realize you're the one or if she doesn't, the NC rule will allow you to continue moving forward. Either way, it's a win-win, long-term...READ THEM, if you haven't already? The No Contact Guide So you want a second chance?
Author letitrock40 Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 I appreciate the replies... Anyone else have any thoughts?
carhill Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 .this guy is probably everything opposite of what she would normally go for. she liked me clean cut, she didnt like me to curse around her, she didnt want me to smoke or do drugs, her new boyfriend smokes weed, has dreadlocks, curses a lot, smokes hookah, i mean it baffles me why they are dating and how she fell for him... Sure, she 'wants' you (what you represent) but is 'attracted' to the bad boy. This and her mind f*cking to keep you around are just signs of a girl who is not yet mature enough for a long-term intimate relationship. Not 'bad', rather how it is. Accept it. IMO, I wouldn't interact with her unless you're banging her. Demotions are not to be rewarded with your valuable time and attention. Enjoy the attentions of other, perhaps more relationship-minded, young ladies
lesoiseaux Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 I agree with Bulldozed. My ex broke up with me for reasons very similar to those of your ex. Basically, you can't make her come back to you. Once you go NC and just stop talking to her, you can start the healing process...during which you will probably realize that you don't want someone who doesn't want to be with you. I'm not 100% over my ex but anytime I miss him I remember that he broke up with me. I gave him my all and apparently it wasn't enough, so I'm not going to waste my time with someone who doesn't accept my love! Believe me, we all know it's tough but I think this is the best thing for you to do. You need to stop talking to her and focus on yourself.
Author letitrock40 Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 Sure, she 'wants' you (what you represent) but is 'attracted' to the bad boy. This and her mind f*cking to keep you around are just signs of a girl who is not yet mature enough for a long-term intimate relationship. Not 'bad', rather how it is. Accept it. IMO, I wouldn't interact with her unless you're banging her. Demotions are not to be rewarded with your valuable time and attention. Enjoy the attentions of other, perhaps more relationship-minded, young ladies I agree with you. Is it just me, or do females not wanting a long-term relationship, go for the more edgy type of guys, the ones that are 'bad boys' and who they wouldn't necessarily want to marry but want to be with in the present, yet when they get older and mature, they want to go for a nice guy, someone who would be a good father and has a good head on his shoulders.
carhill Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 IME, generally, women (and men) tend to align their wants and attractions more completely and in a healthy manner as they mature. Each of us is individual though so there are no real pervasive standards. A woman my age could want a healthy relationship but still be attracted to bad boys (meaning unhealthy long-term) and not have the maturity to resolve that. Another woman, say even her daughter, could have this dynamic completely within control and align her wants and attractions in a healthy way to have a successful long term intimacy. When I've confronted women about this dichotemy, the response is generally either ignorance ('what?') or incredulity ('how dare you!'). Similarly, I had to examine my own want versus attraction dynamic wrt emotionally unavailable women. Ironically, IME, these are precisely the same women who are drawn to the bad boys like moths to a flame. What a vicious merry-go-round. At some point, short of death or insanity, one has to get off the ride.
Author letitrock40 Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 That does make sense, yet I'm still confused about my situation. I've been in NC for about 2 months, no fb, no text nothing... yet it still bugs me a lot. I can move on, and I can get other girls, I'm not worried about that, but I don't like the idea of dating a girl, having sex with her, and more likely than not, breaking up and moving on, and doing it over and over again. I invested so much emotion into this relationship because I was so sure that we would end up together. It's strange to, because I always thought I'd be the one to break her heart if we ever broke up. She was so into me, and so loyal, I felt so lucky cause I'd never seen another couple like that our age. But like she said, we were dating for 2.5 years, we were very serious and she wanted to experience other things, another one of those reasons she gave me for breaking up. I think this new guy is a rebound, like I want to throw up probably 30 minutes out of every hour thinking about them, if she were with a better looking guy, who was more a gentleman, than I probably wouldn't react as bad, but the fact that she thinks she's better off with him than me, makes me feel really bad about myself. It doesn't help that everyone that sees them, has some sort of remark along the lines of "WTF is she thinking? Why?" uhhh idk but apparently she likes him more than me. She molded me out of what she's attracted to now, and them left me. Our 3 year anniversary would be tuesday... I want to send her an old email, where she told me "if you just promise to love me- I'll be yours for all eternity" but I don't know what effect that'd have on her. How do I deal with her rebound? Continue NC? I do think it's a rebound because of the fact that he is everything that she wouldn't normally go for, and she got emotional with me while she was dating him, saying that she wanted me. NC? Contact her?
HeavenOrHell Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 I cant stand bad boys, never have. I'm 43. I was in a long term relationship for 18 years and loved it, my ex walked out 5 months ago. So yes some women do want long term relationships, but I'm left with the feeling that men are more likely to get bored than women are. I feel like a discarded puppy. I agree with you. Is it just me, or do females not wanting a long-term relationship, go for the more edgy type of guys, the ones that are 'bad boys' and who they wouldn't necessarily want to marry but want to be with in the present, yet when they get older and mature, they want to go for a nice guy, someone who would be a good father and has a good head on his shoulders.
carhill Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 How do I deal with her rebound? Continue NC? I do think it's a rebound because of the fact that he is everything that she wouldn't normally go for, and she got emotional with me while she was dating him, saying that she wanted me. NC? Contact her? Here's the thing. How she feels is her reality, right now, this moment. That could change after dinner, or tomorrow, or never. You have no control over nor understanding of it, nor should you. Her telling you she 'wants you' is words. Powerful words. Words to move. Words to motivate. Words to manipulate. See which action goes with those words. Is she with you right now? If no, NC. Her path is her own. Leave her be.
HLP234 Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Always watch out for things they say after they leave you. Of course, they know you hurt or hopefully they do, so they try and stay friends or say things to be light with you. You have to look and think outside the box and realize that this was her decision and what ever she says now or 2 months from now has nothing to do with you, or you two. Unless she really says she wants to talk about getting back with you, but this has to be done in such a convincing way on her part now for you to believe anything she says. I would just try and move on and do the NC thing. You may feel like you are being rude ignoring her but if there is no room for communication and she just keeps telling you stuff to stall you, that is not right and she may not realize what she is doing until its too late.
ms.ac Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 I think this new guy is a rebound, like I want to throw up probably 30 minutes out of every hour thinking about them, if she were with a better looking guy, who was more a gentleman, than I probably wouldn't react as bad, but the fact that she thinks she's better off with him than me, makes me feel really bad about myself. It doesn't help that everyone that sees them, has some sort of remark along the lines of "WTF is she thinking? Why?" uhhh idk but apparently she likes him more than me. She molded me out of what she's attracted to now, and them left me. Our 3 year anniversary would be tuesday... I want to send her an old email, where she told me "if you just promise to love me- I'll be yours for all eternity" but I don't know what effect that'd have on her. How do I deal with her rebound? Continue NC? I do think it's a rebound because of the fact that he is everything that she wouldn't normally go for, and she got emotional with me while she was dating him, saying that she wanted me. NC? Contact her? I feel you on this one, I was with my ex for almost 5 years, we broke up and went no contact for a month or so. He told me he wanted to be with me after that, hung out with me, then decided he was going to date a girl he had been talking to from his work, this girl is my complete opposite, all i hear about her is that we dont compare, that she is nasty, ugly, older, divorced, has a kid, and is into drugs... this makes me feel worse about myself too... so you are not a lone, I dont know what to tell you but i wish we both had answers.. nothing makes sense anymore, to top it off, my ex is spending a bunch of money on her, and went on vacation with her telling me he would never spend that kind of money on me and that she is different and so much better than me... this is one crazy world isn't it?
leo74 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 I agree with Bulldozed. My ex broke up with me for reasons very similar to those of your ex. Basically, you can't make her come back to you. Once you go NC and just stop talking to her, you can start the healing process...during which you will probably realize that you don't want someone who doesn't want to be with you. I'm not 100% over my ex but anytime I miss him I remember that he broke up with me. I gave him my all and apparently it wasn't enough, so I'm not going to waste my time with someone who doesn't accept my love! Believe me, we all know it's tough but I think this is the best thing for you to do. You need to stop talking to her and focus on yourself. Excellent advice
bananaboat11 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 It's definitely tough to fathom that someone who loves you doesn't want to be with you. Your first mistake (that we all make, I'm guilty of it too) is post-break up... we guys who suffer from NGS (Nice Guy Syndrome) or from different aspects of it... freak out. How we handle the situation is a huge part. It's definitely difficult to completely move forward from a connection you've shared for so long... One thing I've learned in any relationship... to any such degree - I don't care how many times anyone who experiences a breakup says 'they're fine'... 'they're over it'. **** that. No. I promise you - EVERYONE ALWAYS QUESTIONS WHAT WENT WRONG. (yes caps @ shouting). I'm tired of people saying they are better than that. Regardless of being the dumper or dumpee... there exist a plethora of emotion and sentiment that go into a relationship... if it was longer than one month, there is clearly some sort of attraction, infatuation, and emotion that was poured into another party. No human soul (unless mentally ill) can be that inhumane. The catch is... some people handle it differently. Despite the illusion of the new boy 4 weeks post break up and her being 'over you'... she isn't. You're there... eventually.. you may not be. Right now, you are. And it isn't fair to that boy - he should learn it soon enough. The guy is the exact opposite of you... to me, sounds like she's trying to push you out... ie, she's not over you.. and this is her way of coping with it. It's an immature tactic, I find. You miss her... I missed my ex (3 months post break up today and NC at the same time)... 3 weeks after I sent her a platonic e-mail asking for just friendship over a cup of coffee - we had a bad break up. We push them further away. You know what man.. I know it hurts... I know there is an emptiness inside you need to let her vent this breakup her way... as you cannot control it... you need to give her space. You need to know it isn't YOU. From the reaction she is portraying she's dealing with someone... some ghost maybe that you can't know about at this point... and it sucks. trust me. i know. Maintain your dignity. Maintain your confidence and walk away like a man, not a boy. Don't chase her... eventually.. if it's meant to be (quote the great Khalil Gabrin) if she comes back... you'll know it's meant to be. The question now is... will you let her back into your life? She needs to truly convince you she wants to make it work this time after creating a void in your heart... it's so tough to fill that void, too. All you can do is be around positive influences... close friends, family, hobbies, work... try going to the gym once a day 5 days / week... endorphins and moving heavy **** / weights really works on your adrenergic receptors giving you a sense of hope (true story)... it allows you to vent your frustrations and aggravations. Let the beginning of the end be a new beginning! Be a new you! Move forward and motivate yourself for change. You can only learn from this and grow and change for yourself to empower yourself to be better the next time around. I hate to say it... but for every piece of **** girl like your ex (or my ex) I promise you... there are 10 girls out waiting for YOU... looking for a guy like you (and I'm completely confident in my heterosexuality to say you seem like an amazing guy).... Good luck!
bananaboat11 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Why are males so complex?! I can't speak for all of us, but we're stupid and so simple... ...it's like, a woman is a labyrinth. A man.. is a hallway with a single door at the very end of it. The problem is... because women are so complex.. they truly believe a man is a hallway with multiple doors on either adjacent side of the hall extending for miles beyond what the eye can see...
Author letitrock40 Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 It's definitely tough to fathom that someone who loves you doesn't want to be with you. Your first mistake (that we all make, I'm guilty of it too) is post-break up... we guys who suffer from NGS (Nice Guy Syndrome) or from different aspects of it... freak out. How we handle the situation is a huge part. It's definitely difficult to completely move forward from a connection you've shared for so long... One thing I've learned in any relationship... to any such degree - I don't care how many times anyone who experiences a breakup says 'they're fine'... 'they're over it'. **** that. No. I promise you - EVERYONE ALWAYS QUESTIONS WHAT WENT WRONG. (yes caps @ shouting). I'm tired of people saying they are better than that. Regardless of being the dumper or dumpee... there exist a plethora of emotion and sentiment that go into a relationship... if it was longer than one month, there is clearly some sort of attraction, infatuation, and emotion that was poured into another party. No human soul (unless mentally ill) can be that inhumane. The catch is... some people handle it differently. Despite the illusion of the new boy 4 weeks post break up and her being 'over you'... she isn't. You're there... eventually.. you may not be. Right now, you are. And it isn't fair to that boy - he should learn it soon enough. The guy is the exact opposite of you... to me, sounds like she's trying to push you out... ie, she's not over you.. and this is her way of coping with it. It's an immature tactic, I find. You miss her... I missed my ex (3 months post break up today and NC at the same time)... 3 weeks after I sent her a platonic e-mail asking for just friendship over a cup of coffee - we had a bad break up. We push them further away. You know what man.. I know it hurts... I know there is an emptiness inside you need to let her vent this breakup her way... as you cannot control it... you need to give her space. You need to know it isn't YOU. From the reaction she is portraying she's dealing with someone... some ghost maybe that you can't know about at this point... and it sucks. trust me. i know. Maintain your dignity. Maintain your confidence and walk away like a man, not a boy. Don't chase her... eventually.. if it's meant to be (quote the great Khalil Gabrin) if she comes back... you'll know it's meant to be. The question now is... will you let her back into your life? She needs to truly convince you she wants to make it work this time after creating a void in your heart... it's so tough to fill that void, too. All you can do is be around positive influences... close friends, family, hobbies, work... try going to the gym once a day 5 days / week... endorphins and moving heavy **** / weights really works on your adrenergic receptors giving you a sense of hope (true story)... it allows you to vent your frustrations and aggravations. Let the beginning of the end be a new beginning! Be a new you! Move forward and motivate yourself for change. You can only learn from this and grow and change for yourself to empower yourself to be better the next time around. I hate to say it... but for every piece of **** girl like your ex (or my ex) I promise you... there are 10 girls out waiting for YOU... looking for a guy like you (and I'm completely confident in my heterosexuality to say you seem like an amazing guy).... Good luck! Thanks man I appreciate your post, def. made me feel better, I have been in NC with her for about 2 months though, since the last message she sent me I haven't talked to her since, the thing is, I go through phases where I feel fine, and then I go through phases where I hate myself and I want to jump in front of every moving car to get rid of the pain, which is where I'm at now. Our 3rd year anniv. would have been tomorrow. I talked to a couple of female friends, and they said no matter what, she's probably going to feel some sort of emotion on that day...I probably will too. I was thinking about copy-and pasting and email that she sent me a while back while we were dating, I think this had the most emotion in it than anything she's ever sent me, one line sticks out, the last line of the email it said "you're love is all i'll ever need-ever, if you promise to love me forever, i'll be yours for eternity." I'm going to ask her to be honest with me and tell me if these feelings are dead or not, and thats all I want to know. There are two reasons I want to send this message 1) To see if you is really over me, that quickly, after dating what most consider a downgrade for a few months. 2) SHe's probably going to be very vulnerable tomorrow, if I get any sort of emotion out of her, happy, sad, pissed off, I'm going to feel so much better, knowing that I can still get to her means that she still has feelings for me,and knowing that she still has feelings for me, makes me not feel so bad about her current relationship because I know it's not for real. Also I don't think I mentioned it but we were each others first everything, I dont know if it matters. but yeah what do you guys think about me sending this email? thanks, God Bless
WTRanger Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Don't send the email with stuff from the past. Because the past is just that. It's done, it's gone, and that girl that sent you that email no longer exists. She's made it clear that right now, in the present, she is wanting to go explore her other options, ie the rough around the edges guy. It is a normal stage since she hasn't even hit her emotional coming of age yet, which for most people tends to be between 23-27 years old. Just let her be. I know it is tough, but she's feeding on this attention but at the same time you are losing respect with her. No one respects this tongue-dragging puppy dog tactic. You wouldn't respect a girl doing that to you, so don't do it to her. Face the facts. That's the only way to get over this. The biggest fact, she's not with you. No matter what she SAYS, her actions are not with you. To me, all that she's said is just a line of crap to keep you on the string. To keep you being Mr. Safe Back-up Guy. Meanwhile, she's f*cking Mr. Bad Boy's brains out. So do you really want to be in this love triangle?
bananaboat11 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Thanks man I appreciate your post, def. made me feel better, I have been in NC with her for about 2 months though, since the last message she sent me I haven't talked to her since, the thing is, I go through phases where I feel fine, and then I go through phases where I hate myself and I want to jump in front of every moving car to get rid of the pain, which is where I'm at now. Our 3rd year anniv. would have been tomorrow. I talked to a couple of female friends, and they said no matter what, she's probably going to feel some sort of emotion on that day...I probably will too. I was thinking about copy-and pasting and email that she sent me a while back while we were dating, I think this had the most emotion in it than anything she's ever sent me, one line sticks out, the last line of the email it said "you're love is all i'll ever need-ever, if you promise to love me forever, i'll be yours for eternity." I'm going to ask her to be honest with me and tell me if these feelings are dead or not, and thats all I want to know. There are two reasons I want to send this message 1) To see if you is really over me, that quickly, after dating what most consider a downgrade for a few months. 2) SHe's probably going to be very vulnerable tomorrow, if I get any sort of emotion out of her, happy, sad, pissed off, I'm going to feel so much better, knowing that I can still get to her means that she still has feelings for me,and knowing that she still has feelings for me, makes me not feel so bad about her current relationship because I know it's not for real. Also I don't think I mentioned it but we were each others first everything, I dont know if it matters. but yeah what do you guys think about me sending this email? thanks, God Bless I'm sorry to be the one to say it, but no. Do not break the no contact. If she is acting the way she is... something's clearly not right with her. We always (ourselves) look for answers and want what we can't have... we try to fix things. You can't change how she felt once... and regardless if she still feels these things... something about her has changed. It may not be emotions... or feelings... it may be a connection in her life... that has altered her frame of mind. If those words she spoke to you were true... well... she could either fall head over heels for you again (BUT DO NOT QUESTION IF IT WERE TRUE... it'll be like saying, I'm here... if you want to walk away - fine. I love you. blah blah blah... is like saying, I'm worried you're going to break my heart and may want to break it off before you can so you get hurt and not me.. and then she'll get defensive and then you will.. and a bad breakup may come about - if you followed any of that... it's messy) and then you will have to decide if you want her and give it a try again.. OR... ... as I said before, she could hold you in contempt and push you further away... seeing this as an act of desperation and attachment. You wanting what you can't have trying to grab onto something as you fall into a dark abyss. Don't do it. Don't fall. Instead... be the man you are. Keep your head tall. She's human. I almost guarantee it. When you don't persist and do not break the no contact... she'll wonder why. She'll question herself then. It may take some time, but eventually... the dumper (especially the woman) regardless to the degree of severity at breakup (good, bad, catastrophic like mine)... will eventually see something missing. That connection. By this point.. you would have moved on and are happy again with yourself... and with someone else. She'll contact you... somehow... for something. No one can no what and no one will know until it happens. It could be her begging for you back on her knees... or it could be a simple apology... My relationship ended via facebook... my ex went home after we took a week break and got back together... she saw her ex boyfriend (who she had a 4 year relationship prior to me and he was begging for her back)... she ****ed him and fell for him all over again. I saw the facebook message the following day =/ That was 3 months ago... and we've had a NC ever since after a horrible argument. I was a fool. Yes... NGS attacks =/ But I know I'm not forgotten (probably because she resents me and hates me...LOL) but I know eventually.. she'll mature and realize how childish she was during our entire relationship... constantly verbally abusing me and using me only for sex... and I know she is human deep within. It'll probably take her time... and I know the day before she dumped my ass over facebook she told me she loved me (and told her roommate she wanted to spend forever with me, the day prior to this).. but she dumped me .... over the internet. I will not break the no contact as much as I long for her kiss.. her touch... to see her smile... to press my body against hers... to give her my heart and for her to take my hand to her chest and kiss the tips of my fingers. I say these things.. and I do not cry. I smile upon how much I learned of myself and how truly amazing I am. Not in a conceited, arrogant way... but in a confidence builder. Be you. Be the man you were born to be. Do not be who you were... man or boy. You are a better person today for everything that happened! good luck
Author letitrock40 Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 yeah I guess i'm better off not sending it, i want to more than anything though, she told me a while ago back when we were in contact and she was with the new guy that i was being selfish by trying to win her back because i was putting her through so much pain...i wish i would have responded with "Are you serious? And how much pain do you think you've put me through?" but I think I was making her feel guilty and making her regret her decision, but i don't know if i said it earlier, but all that i'm worried about right now is feeling better, i don't want her back right now, like i want to be with her, and i miss what we had, but it'd take a lot to get past this but her saying anything that shows i affected her would make me feel like i have the upper hand and if she freaks on me, well then that's that either way i don't think i'm going to do it, my impulse keeps telling me to do it, but i'm trying really hard to fight it
bananaboat11 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 yeah I guess i'm better off not sending it, i want to more than anything though, she told me a while ago back when we were in contact and she was with the new guy that i was being selfish by trying to win her back because i was putting her through so much pain...i wish i would have responded with "Are you serious? And how much pain do you think you've put me through?" but I think I was making her feel guilty and making her regret her decision, but i don't know if i said it earlier, but all that i'm worried about right now is feeling better, i don't want her back right now, like i want to be with her, and i miss what we had, but it'd take a lot to get past this but her saying anything that shows i affected her would make me feel like i have the upper hand and if she freaks on me, well then that's that either way i don't think i'm going to do it, my impulse keeps telling me to do it, but i'm trying really hard to fight it Hey man I am in the SAME boat as you. We're better men than that. Do not give her the benefit of the doubt that you want her back. That'll do us no good - and give her the glory of the upper hand. Our exes can never know how much pain we're in... but you know what... I'm getting through it.. and so will you. Since I've been heartbroken... I've had 2 good female friends open up to me they have feelings for me (one is hot, smart, etc, etc... the other, not so much either =/ ) and a former fling is back in my life. Plus, there was this REALLY hot female friend of mine I was hanging out with (as just friends, mind you) who my ex ridiculed and told this girl to stay away from me... that I was my ex's boy and no one else's... I still hung out with the hot friend... because well, we are ****ing friends .. not sex.. just using a vulgarity to exonerate the fact therein... ...the day my ex and I got back together (day before she dumped me over facebook)... my ex told this girl AGAIN.. to keep away from me. My ex was being controlling and did not trust... she did not trust herself and tried to enact her insecurities and emotional misgivings THROUGH me b/c she had been cheated on in the past and did not trust herself with other men.. and did not trust me. I don't know why I went into that detail ugh.. sorry. I typed it out.. so i'll leave it, but the point was... I lost one girl... 3 girls instantly came out of the woodwork. The hot female FRIEND (only) has been supportive knowing my ex was crazy (she knew my ex from the class I met her in) ANYWAYS.. off of my bull****... when you 'move on' regardless of how long it takes... when you DON'T break the No Contact.. your ex will worry you've moved on before her... then she'll ask herself all these questions about herself... then she'll try to find out little bits of details about you and your life. Let it get back to her you've moved on. She'll feel miserable. Trust me. I'm not one for revenge, so don't go to that extreme... again.. walk away with your confidence, your dignity and be the man you are becoming. Do not let a girl's insecure means to a meaning of an end of a relationship truly be your downfall, but rather, as I said before... this is the beginning to an end that will lead to a new beginning for you. A better beginning... =)
Zeegagge Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Not wanting her back is the best way to get her back. But then you won't want her back because you'll be happier. Quite the catch isn't it?
bananaboat11 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 (edited) Not wanting her back is the best way to get her back. But then you won't want her back because you'll be happier. Quite the catch isn't it? It sucks, but that's how the game is played. This game sucks. **** relationships. No wait... err... I didn't mean that. In all seriousness... if you go after someone who AT THIS POINT IN TIME doesn't want you... they will push you away even further. If you tough it out and TRY to move on as best you can by filling that negative void with positive influences... your ex (who is expecting you to chase the crap out of her) will begin to ask herself... "I wonder what so & so is up to... why hasn't he tried to get in touch with me?" I don't care what anyone says... dumpee or dumper (and each handle the breakup differently)... BOTH parties question themselves and the relationship. Both take time to deal... but again, each handles it differently... WE'RE HUMAN. You have a connection with someone beyond friendship... something more intimate... you just can't forget someone right away... time doesn't change things. Doing things... changes things. Time changes nothing. By this point... even if you did want her back and would've taken her back, the process you've taken to 'heal' and 'mend' may leave lingering feelings... and when you try... 50% of the time, you're over her. you've moved on.. she hasn't. There is no definitive % on how many times it does work out the second time around... and it can... other times... this point never happens. People just move on with their lives (and it sucks at first... but it's life)... and usually these people are NEVER in the right frame of mind and will make someone else miserable. Edited January 5, 2010 by bananaboat11
Author letitrock40 Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 what if the reverse is true? like maybe ignoring your ex pushes them away, in my situation, after the break up, there was like 3 or 4 days of NC, she said she wanted to be friends, tried it the next day, felt too weird, so i kept begging, and then i just stopped talking to her, (by the way, the whole break up, everything after, is all via facebook chat, she would talk to me on chat, but not on the phone because she didn't want me to hear the regret in her voice) i did it cause i thought itd make her miss me, but right before she started dating 'dreads' she told me that not talking to her made her think that i had moved on, motivating her even more to move on.
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