LostInLA Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 A little over a month ago I found myself really happy being single and of course I wasn't looking for anything but then this guy asked me out. At first he seemed REALLY into me, but not in a creepy way, he just asked me a lot of questions and was a perfect gentleman. I wasn't really into him at first, so I was a bit reserved. After our 2nd date he sort of backed off while I found myself starting to fancy him more. Anyways, he started acting weird when I would see him out and I said to him I just couldn't figure him out. That night he sent me a very long FB message and politely said he wanted to be friends and nothing more, that he had his eye on another girl but it's too soon for him to really get with anyone. Of course I responded that he was reading me correctly but I wasn't looking for anything more than casual dating but that we could be friends and everything was cool. Everything did seem cool except the last time I saw him out, he was really stand offish and I was annoyed that it was bothering me. I was out by myself and have lots of friends at my regular hang out, and I wasn't there just to see him, but I felt sort of focused on his behavior. Anyways, my point is, I'm REALLY annoyed about this whole thing. A month ago I was super happy and not thinking about guys at all, but now I feel like what happened between us sort of messed with my head and I need to figure out how to get back to where I was. Does anyone have any advice for me? I'm doing my best with going on with myself and what I was doing before and I'm just irritated that this situation is affecting me still. Does this mean I'm not ready to date? Or am I sort of still messed up from my last break up? Should I avoid dating for a while or get back out there? Bleh...any other thoughts or stories are also welcome...I know this isn't a big deal but it feels a little bigger than it actually is.
dazzle22 Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 First of all, DON'T take his lack of interest personally. Sounds like he was asking a lot of questions to see if you would fit what is his "type" or share certain views with him, and it wasn't a fit. No big deal. Seriously. Think about this. I could interview the 3 billion men on this planet as a potential mate, and maybe, 100 would interest me. The rest just aren't the "lid for my pot". Remember, ALL guys unless they are total boors are going to look good for the first few dates. Everyone is at least an amateur actor these days, so don't get impressed by anyone, even other relationshipships, like colleagues or women acquantances until you have seen them "walk the walk" for awhile. The fact that he was so "standoffish" when he saw you the next time says something about his social skills and maturity and that would totally turn me off as "not cool" that he could not handle such a simple situation with more sophistication. You are doing the typical woman thing of letting the GUY interview you, while you try to meet up to his standards, and then kind of liking him despite the fact that initially you weren't impressed. You need to turn the tables on this when you date. YOU are going out to see if HE is worthy of your attention. That is the power position. "The person who cares the least is the one with the POWER"... Going out on a date just kind of "revved" the engine again, and now there's nowhere to go.... Don't read too much into it. Hope that helps a little?
Author LostInLA Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 (edited) Thanks dazzle22, it does help a little. I logically know these things but I still feel rejected, but not just rejected - rejected by someone who didn't fit my standards in the first place, but his personality grew on me and made him more attractive to me. I could have easily turned him down, but I thought I'd have fun going on a date and that I would probably not develop any feelings at all. On a side note, I can be very sensitive so maybe that's part of my problem. Anyways, my real problem right now is that I'm focused on this instead of myself right now, which was not the case a month ago and I'm trying to put him in the friend zone but I feel like he's walking on eggshells around me right now. Hmmm I guess if that continues, I can let him know that? Hah, I think I just realized another issue - I don't like that he's walking on eggshells around me. I have PLENTY of guy friends, he should know that, and I know how to be friends with guys. Edited to add: I think he's cool, I never saw us as a long term match and I do want to be his friend. I'm thinking of sending him a message about feeling like he was on eggshells around me and that he doesn't need to be. Is this a bad idea or should I wait to see how he acts next time I see him? (We hang at the same bars and he's been making friends with my circle of friends so I will see him soon probably). Edited January 3, 2010 by LostInLA
dazzle22 Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 NO. Do not contact him to provide analysis of your non-relationship. Just be "cool" yourself, like you didn't notice he was uncomfortable. Be friendly and oblivious...Just say the next time you see him "hey, how you doin? Wazz up?" , something like that... very friendly and platonic and nonplussed. Remember, the person who cares the least has the power..remember you didn't want him that way anyway, so no worries... I also am a very sensitive person, and got hurt by guys when I was young that really weren't even up to my standards either. Then I learned that when I played the field, and didn't take anyone too seriously, they swarmed around me like bees looking for a hive! Ha! (and BTW, you need to be doing this at this stage. Never date just one guy. Dating several gives you options and keeps you busy and distracted and amused and non-attached until you find one you really click with.) Just be friends and withhold judgment and romantic affection until you really know the color of the cat you are dealing with....it is a JUNGLE out there. A lot of the guys out there are addicted to porn wacking off every day, sleeping with numerous girls at once and doing god knows what else on the internet...so 'VET" them carefully, and never be TOO impressed....
Author LostInLA Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 Thanks again, I just talked with a friend who gave me the same advice and I'm already feeling much better. I'm definitely going to relate to him on a guy level, call him dude a lot and stuff. I think he's reading into my natural behavior too much so yah, I guess I need to send a more platonic vibe. Thanks again!!!
dreamergrl Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Just a thought.. You got interested when he backed off. Perhaps he sensed you weren't interested much to begin with and is put off that you got interested when he stopped being interested.
Author LostInLA Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 Just a thought.. You got interested when he backed off. Perhaps he sensed you weren't interested much to begin with and is put off that you got interested when he stopped being interested. That's possible, but I'm pretty certain he is crushing on another girl. Not a big deal. When I think about it, we had a lot of fundamental differences.
Recommended Posts