doesheornot Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 My live in boyfried of 4 years seems to go through some type of crisis every feb/mar. He wants a new job, new friends, and he always wants to break up he says he doesnt love me anymore, he always appologizes a day later and this are usually back to normal in a week. However this cycle is really starting to wear me out. He's the perfect boyfried for the rest of the year but every january i start to get on edge because I think its coming. He's done this every year for 4 years. Does this happen to anyone else? What should I do?
giotto Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Does this happen to anyone else? Usually to middle aged men... How old is your boyfriend?
cybersister Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 I think Simon is right. try getting him one of those daylight lamps, or plan for this by having a sunshine break in January. I have read somewhere that most suicides happen In february. If this guy is great the rest of the year, then you can plan for this episode each year, or try to circumvent it
giotto Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 mmm... what she is describing doesn't really fit with SAD... "Symptoms of SAD may consist of: difficulty waking up in the morning, tendency to oversleep as well as to overeat, and especially a craving for carbohydrates, which leads to weight gain. Other symptoms include a lack of energy, difficulty concentrating on completing tasks, and withdrawal from friends, family, and social activities. All of this leads to the depression, pessimism, and lack of pleasure which characterize a person suffering from this disorder." (taken from Wikipedia) Having said that, I wouldn't exclude it... maybe if you give us more details...
Simon Attwood Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 mmm... what she is describing doesn't really fit with SAD... "Symptoms of SAD may consist of: difficulty waking up in the morning, tendency to oversleep as well as to overeat, and especially a craving for carbohydrates, which leads to weight gain. Other symptoms include a lack of energy, difficulty concentrating on completing tasks, and withdrawal from friends, family, and social activities. All of this leads to the depression, pessimism, and lack of pleasure which characterize a person suffering from this disorder." (taken from Wikipedia) Having said that, I wouldn't exclude it... maybe if you give us more details... Less of a symptom, more of a side effect. The seasonal nature of his behaviour seems to indicate a seasonal cause.
giotto Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Less of a symptom, more of a side effect. The seasonal nature of his behaviour seems to indicate a seasonal cause. I agree with this, but before she buys him a lamp, let's find out first if they, by any chance, live in Australia or South Africa...
Simon Attwood Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 I agree with this, but before she buys him a lamp, let's find out first if they, by any chance, live in Australia or South Africa... Good point
Ronni_W Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 What should I do? You could try to preempt it. Ask, now, something along the lines of "So, have you given any thought to what's been triggering your discontent with life in general these past 4 years, or why it's been happening at roughly the same time each year? Does it concern you? Do you have any clues or tips as to what we can do / how I can help you minimize or avoid it?" In a caring, concerned, non-judgmental manner, of course, so he doesn't end up hearing it as you making light of, or diminishing his experience. It could related to SAD. Or perhaps a residual from the Holidays / having reflected on the old year and feeling stuck in a rut as far as what he's seeing for the future, his ability to achieve his individual goals, etc. Does he have a tendency to overspend at Christmas and is facing the bills come Feb/March? Is he putting some kind of pressure on himself around Valentine's Day? Did he lose a loved around this time of year? That is, it could be anything. His behaviour could even have become somewhat habitual/unconscious. By bringing it out into the open, you may give him a fighting chance of coping with whatever it is in a better/saner/healthier way than what he's been doing -- sometimes the seeds of awareness can be our best gifts to others (and we get to benefit, as a bonus )
Author doesheornot Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 Ive thought of all of that, if you ask him he says theres nothing wrong it just comes out of the blue one day,he knows he feels this way at the same time every year but he doesnt know why as for SAD thats what i thought, maybe i should try a lamp. One of the main problems that i have is that every year at this time he says something really hurtful like last year he said "i dont love you, i have never loved you I dont want to marry you and I dont want you having my babies" he always takes it back and things are fine for the rest of the year. I dont know if I should believe him or if hes just saying it to be mean. But now every year around this time, i start to painic. I am really at a loss as to what to do.
Ronni_W Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 (edited) Hugs, doeshe. It sounds as if you might be feeling a bit (or a lot?) helpless and powerless over your situation. I get that it's a little weird to deal with since the worst of it only happens on one day of the year. But the impact on you is much greater. You're ending up living with dread and anxiety for two or three MONTHS, and I'm guessing you've started to question whether or not to believe what he says on that one day throughout the year. Not to mention the 'in the moment' pain of hearing him say stuff like that to you -- even if it has become an annual event, it still hurts. So, it's not at all that you would be "over-reacting" if you were to take a much firmer stand with him and hold him accountable for his words and actions. if you ask him he says theres nothing wrong it just comes out of the blue one day, ... he says something really hurtful You could tell him that is BS; that it's definitely an indication of "something wrong" if he thinks it's acceptable to just "out of the blue one day", but habitually and 'on schedule', say hurtful things to someone he supposedly loves the other 364 days. You could also tell him that, at 27, he'd be wise to start taking some responsibility for his thoughts and feelings that are resulting in his hurtful words; that it's not okay for an adult to treat others without consideration and regard. Let him know that it is not okay to act mean and then say that he has no control over it -- of course he does, he is not 2 years old. But now every year around this time, i start to panic.Have you told him the impact on you, of him not taking responsibility for his behaviour at this time of year? Would you consider suggesting couples' counseling? Or a workshop designed to improve how couples relate to each other? Have you decided if this is a deal-breaker for you and, if so, conveyed that to him? If he doesn't show an interest in changing this maladaptive pattern of his, then perhaps it is time to ask him if what he says to you on that one day is actually his deeper truth. You do need that information so that you can make your own decisions and choices about maintaining this relationship, or letting it go. Hopefully something you say will make a difference, and he'll decide to get some help with whatever is really going on for him that erupts once a year. Best of luck. Edited January 3, 2010 by Ronni_W grammar
JaneInVegas Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 I don't know how relevant this is going to be to your situation, but thought I'd throw it out there ... My mom died on January 18th, and every year around that time I start getting really, really depressed. (yeah, I'm bracing myself for the next onslaught) He says he doesn't know what triggers it, and he's probably telling the truth, but since you can run a calendar by this mood swing, maybe it's actually based on the calendar itself? Maybe you could ask his family or friends if something traumatic happened to him around that time of the year, maybe they could give you some insight. Good luck, hope everything works out okay HUGS
whichwayisup Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 feb/mar You live in a cold weathered part of Town? Could be Feb. Blah's and/or SAD, which happens to some in the winter, getting mild depression, feel like you're going stir crazy from being inside too much..
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