We don't let go..

[Aksion]

I'm drunk, very -- and I continue questioning myself on where I should go from here in my life.

 

I cleared out everything that had to do with her, and our life together, until I came across a photo album today that only had one photo in it. Just a picture of her that, all smiles, the day we were married -- her sitting on our bed pointing at her wedding band...so happy, and so beautiful.

 

We don't speak anymore -- if we have contact, its limited, and very spiteful sounding. She's cold -- I'm angry.

 

I've tried covering it up. New clothes. New women. The drugs and alcohol yall know about. Nothing makes me forget her.

 

I at times want to just tell her how I feel. Tell her that I want to just 'start over' I guess.

 

She pretends she's so happy -- I try to hide that I'm crumbling. I've looked for help, but I don't seem to really want it. I've said she can't seem to let go of me -- though she doesn't want me, but I can't seem to let go of her....and I want her it seems.

 

I've been all over the the place lately -- I know the holidays probably have alot to do with it.

 

I can't be normal anymore. I keep trying, but I continously fall back into whatever this is.

 

I want to let go of her. I can't trust her. I don't want to want her.

 

Yet, I want that person back in my life. She was everything I wanted. I want her here with me.

[tojaz]

Geez Ak, thats rough. I'm sorry man. Backslides are hell and the booze isn't helping anything. Have you looked into IC yet? I know how you feel about it, but you need to do something proactive to break from this cycle. At the very least check in on LS regularly so you can get some support. Next time you want to reach for that bottle, come give a shout, someones always here. (usually me )

TOJAZ

[minutebyminute]

Why can't we let go? Maybe it is because we can't have it anymore.

Maybe she isn't so great, but it was the life you built together that is now gone and someone else MAY replace it.

 

I'm not where you are at right now, but headed that way. I self medicate myself to numbness to forget too. I don't want to deal with any of it, I can't right now. I swallow my tears too. Everyone suggests counceling, which is probable the smartest, healthiest way to go, but that takes time and energy and hey, a bottle does the job right?

 

You and I know better, or you wouldn't be asking for help. Just one day at a time or hour by hour or minute by minute if you need it.

 

Take care of you. Make sure you eat, get some sleep, don't act too crazy in front of others right now. These are life lessons, as ****ed up as they are, you need to learn from them. I have no answers for you, as I said I am steadily following you, I just know I need to listen very carefully to myself.

 

I am not someone to trust most, so that is where the IC comes from, but that takes time to find a good therapist. That alone can be a back-slide.

I hate this saying, but I do feel your pain. Take good care of your mind, body & soul. Take one day and don't drink, smoke, etc. then cut down the next. Feel your thoughts, and work through them. This is YOUR life and it is short my friend. If you got her back would it be great, I did and it is not, I should have tossed in the towel when I had the chance. Now,there are kids, family, friends, animals, bills, blah, blah, blah.

 

Keep posting, it keeps all of us sane. . .mbm

[Steadfast]

As usual, the good advice above is given from those who've either been, or are currently going through the same feelings and emotions. I'm not much into suggesting books or self-help guides (I read Michelle Langley's 'Infidelity' series, that was enough for me) but I stumbled across some old notes just recently. They address why we can't let go and the steps needed to break the cycle of heartbreak. I have more of these if you need them.

 

Three things we do to keep ourselves trapped:

1-Visualizing the good old memories (and ignoring the reality).

2-Keeping all the things that reminds us of them (texts, e-mails.. etc).

3-Never confronting the person directly thus keeping hope alive.

 

Obviously, we can all relate to this. Yet, I'd guess that you are better, or closer to recapturing the joy that you had before your marriage to this woman. We want to feel better NOW but it comes in nanobytes. Still, you're inching closer everyday. Keep reminding yourself to break these subconscious patterns. Look at the list and see how you can improve.

 

A couple more:

Subconscious Mind & Repetition

 

One of the strongest ways to convince your subconscious to believe in something is repetition. The more you repeat the fact that it's over the more this statement likely to turn into belief. If you want to stop loving someone, prevent yourself from repeating these phrases or from even thinking about them:

 

1) I can’t live without her

2) I can’t stop loving her

3) She is the only one I loved that much

 

It's not a cure all but the above advice is pretty solid, I think. I remember reading this and for my own sanity really worked on it. Remembering all the while that when thoughts of my ex did creep into my mind, I'd remember to consider her with forgiveness and patience. Pretty soon, that's how I acted around her and it wasn't 'an act'. We may not be together but she misses and is drawn to me. I however, am not drawn to her. She's weak and has little integrity. I'm raising my kids the same way.

 

You'll make it. You are not alone. Better times ahead, promise!!

[Aksion]

I wanna reply to the posts above, but I don'tw want to until I can coherently,.

 

I'm tired of this feeling of wamnting to talk to her. I cant stand her. I love her but i hate herl.

 

This divorce is destroyinug me. I ****ing hate her but i want her so bad. the woman ive been seeing is nothing to mem, i just want my life back.

[JaneDoe35]

Hey Aksion - not going so well?? The pain just gets too much sometimes, I know.

[Gunny376]

You need to get some IC to find out why your so co-dependent upon one person.

 

One of my Marines told me years ago that he figured out what "His" problem was?

 

He loved P***y, but hated women!

 

Ideally we need to be dependent upon ourselves. Once your parents are gone? You're pretty much on your own.

 

Love is an addiction ~ when we fall in love ~ there are some serious bio-chemicals kicking around in the brain. Dopamine, to name but one. This is the same bio-chemical the interacts with crystal meth and cocaine. Endorphines is another that also interacts with meth, cocaine and alcohol.

 

Your already depressed and going through a withdrawal from the relationship. Drinking only adds to your depression. Its like throwing gasoline onto a bon-fire. It only serves to drive you into a deeper sprialling fall. A deeper depression, than you would have been had you not dranked.

 

The way to go is just go cold turkey. I did after my last break up with my last GF.

 

 

I simply couldn't keep doing this and go through this "breaking up" business. I had to set some bounderies, some objectives, and goals in and for my life. I had to come up with a new set of rules.

 

How many times can a individual keep going back to WalMart, Sears, JC Penny's and keep buying the same old s*** they've already bought once before? AGAIN?

 

There's that aspect of it ~ then there's the mental and the emotional? Bottom line is I just don't have the time, effort nor energy to waste on some one that doesn't want to be with me?

 

I've got places to go, things to do, and people to see!

 

What you need to do and be about is re-calming your life!

 

Forget her! You had GF's before her and you'll have them after her!

[whichwayisup]

Once you work through the pain, and grieve, I can promise you, YOU WILL feel better. May take some time to get there, but once you do, you'll be stronger, wiser..

[CBIIS1]

Listen, you're chemically addicted to that person, to the role that person played in your consciousness. The booze, get rid of it. It doesn't work in your favor right now. She wasn't all that great if this is what she's left you with, face it. A good woman would still be there assuming you did your part. It will get better but you have to go out and live pleasant experiences from now on. She'll go away and before you know it you'll be happy about it. Its been five months for me and every time I see her I wonder what made me live with such a selfish little B. I pity her now more than anything. Stop adoring yours. She's not a goddess. Maybe she was in the way of letting someone ten times better of loving you. Don't self-destruct over someone who couldn't cut it in a long term relationship. Find someone with guts and character. you've been hanging on to long, stop it, and let go, you deserve to.

[FeelingLonely98]

Listen, you're chemically addicted to that person, to the role that person played in your consciousness. The booze, get rid of it. It doesn't work in your favor right now. She wasn't all that great if this is what she's left you with, face it. A good woman would still be there assuming you did your part. It will get better but you have to go out and live pleasant experiences from now on. She'll go away and before you know it you'll be happy about it. Its been five months for me and every time I see her I wonder what made me live with such a selfish little B. I pity her now more than anything. Stop adoring yours. She's not a goddess. Maybe she was in the way of letting someone ten times better of loving you. Don't self-destruct over someone who couldn't cut it in a long term relationship. Find someone with guts and character. you've been hanging on to long, stop it, and let go, you deserve to.

 

BINGO - I am feeling that now from a new girl. She seems so much better than the STBXW. So much more caring, loving, supportive, understanding, ... than the STBXW ever was. WTF, I was where you were Aksion, albeit without the chemical dependence - and I broke free. I don't know how YOU can do this but when you forget about her and resign yourself that it is over, then you will start taking steps towards your happiness. Start divorce proceedings if you haven't already. I think you not only need IC but also AA and/or NA as well. PLEASE get help and keep posting. When you feel a need to grab a bottle have a backup plan or at least a different healthy outlet. AA can help with this...

 

PEACE!

[minutebyminute]

Hey, are you doing okay? Hope so, life sucks, then it gets better, I've heard!! HA HA! Have you come up for air? Hope you're not drowning yourself in a bottle or supplementing your life with one night stands, hope this post finds you well, MBM

[Aksion]

It's been almost six months -- 1/2 a year since everything went down.

 

Sadness & anger in the beginning, a few highs in-between with people that meant nothing to me, & severe depression/addiction have consumed every last fiber of my being.

 

I've climbed up, never out. She wouldn't let me out -- and now that it seems I may be completely rid of her, I won't let myself out.

 

Came home today, bunch of boxes in hand and boxed up every last thing inside my house with the exception of my television, couch, and clothes. I trashed any and everything on the walls, the bed, even the towels we once shared. I just couldn't keep coming home to this.

 

The early lows I hid myself in the gym to avoid going completely crazy. The "highs" I kept myself in the gym to keep those people coming back. Now -- I don't care about anything. I try to avoid this place as much as possible as you people are the only ones who know about my on-going addictions and honestly -- that tears me apart.

 

I heard a song the other day, man said a line that went "I try to leave her but then I get lenient, since I'm in this room alone she becomes convienent."

 

I have no choice but to be here -- alone, and I continue to give in to that convience.

 

My life with her is over -- finally done. Yet where I'm at, I can't ever remove the thought of her. I wake up at night on my couch and see light from the door in the bedroom and believe she's there. Come home some days from work and honestly I believe she's still waiting on the opposite side of the door.

 

It seems I'm rambling again, which means I need another to force things to be unclear. You people are the only ones that really know me, and even though it may seem your words are falling on deaf ears, I hear you...just not willing to allow myself to process what you're saying.

[lovelydivorcee]

I am so sad to hear how badly you are hurting. Please just hang in there. This is just an awful cycle each one of us is on, all at various points within. Better days are ahead my friend, just push through so you can appreaciate them.