phoenix1 Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Have been on and off here the last 4-5 months. Have done all with the X -NC, LC, friends, FWBs, everything. But for the last 2-3 weeks I have been gearing up to go NC because I know it's what I need to do for me. Kind of liking getting ready to quit smoking or go on a diet, lol. It's hard, we have many, mostly mutual friends, and even when I go NC, at certain times, I almost can't avoid him. We did spend the holidays together, and now, it's time - no more "crutch". I feel like i need to just move away sometimes to get away from him. But, there shouldn't be too many occasions coming up, and at least enough time to get solid - I've been there before, I just need to STAY there this time. I need to not believe his words, only words, when he starts missing me and coming around, because it always leads to the same place - pain for me. The loneliness is unbearable at times. I have friends, get out do things, etc, but the minute I am still, I am devastated all over again, and it feels like it will never change. I'm resentful that he seems so at ease with the whole situation - like the whole emotional component has been removed. I on the other hand, can't seem to stop feeling, and can't believe that someone who loved me so much, and treated me like a princess, could just turn, just like that. Anyway, I will need much support. I am forcing myself to go out tonight (I know he won't be there) even though I want to crawl away and die. Well, not really die, just stop feeling these feelings.
countingstarsagain Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 I feel exactly the same way. I can not wrap my head around the idea that they say they love us, and have even shown it in the past, and now all of a sudden they feel nothing. It's extremely hurtful that we feel so much and they feel so little. Go NC asap! You will be doing yourself a huge favor. It hurts. And the lonliness is terrible, but at least he won't have the power to hurt you like he does now. And it does get easier. I'm at about a month and a half no contact, and while I still miss him a lot and still think of him all the time, I can feel him becoming a distant memory. It's almost like he was a figment of my imagination, as weird as that sounds. We are here for you! Good luck. Do what is best for YOU! And don't settle for him saying this or that. If he really wants to be with you, he'll prove himself with actions.
drew86 Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 The loneliness is unbearable at times. I have friends, get out do things, etc, but the minute I am still, I am devastated all over again, and it feels like it will never change. I know what you mean. Day by day, NC will truly help. Nobody should have to be a "crutch"... You deserve so much better than that! My ex talked and talked and convinced me she really wanted to be with me ("marriage" she even said) for 3 months after she broke up with me... And then I found out she broke up with me for another guy. Not cool, but honestly, NC is the only way I will move forward. Don't give up, know you are good and deserve someone who will love, respect and trust you:)
Author phoenix1 Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 OK, so got through day one. I dragged myself out with friends for a few hours tonight, even though I was not feeling it at all. Yeah, I've gone NC before and in some ways it is easier, but I think sometimes, how long til I feel better? The pain seemed never ending, even 6 weeks in (I think the longest I've gone). He already called me this evening, wanted to get something to eat. I didn't answer, didn't call back - yeah! But I'll be honest a part of me feels pulled to just be with him - what is wrong with me? This is the way it always is with us- as long as he knows I'm around, he's distant, kind of a jerk. The minute he thinks I am actually gone, he steps it up. The pattern of a total commitmentphobe. So frustrating when you know that they love you, but just can't let themselves be with you, aaagghhhhh!
drew86 Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 That has to be gut-wrenching, I went through a bit of that with my ex too. There's definitely nothing wrong with you... But unless he calls and says something along the lines of "I want to be with you" then that cycle you're in won't end anytime soon Good that you're still trying to go out with friends!
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