SadKitty78 Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 (edited) I am absolutely devastated! My BF and I have had a pretty good relationship - granted it was only for about a couple of months. We've gone on trips together, spent time with each other and so it was wonderful that we were celebrating New Year's Eve together! We both started drinking and for some reason, some insecurities and doubts that I had about the relationship (whether these doubts were warranted or not, I'm still not sure), but started lashing out at him and accusing him of one thing or another! I got angry when he wasn't communicating with me and slammed his car door. I also tried to get away from him at a club because I was just feeling so in pain. I pushed him away because I had been hurt in the past and this relationship was scaring me because I was starting to really fall for him. When we got home, we both went to sleep and I woke up in the middle of the night knowing I had made a mistake and in the morning I apologized profusely, pouring my heart out to him. He just packed up my stuff and dropped me home, telling me we could talk later. That afternoon he called letting me plead for another chance and apologize for an hour before he said, "No, we are done, and I have to go!" and hung up the phone. He told me that his impression of me was that what he saw that one drunken night was the REAL ME and that he felt I really just wanted to be with other people on New Year's Eve and not with him - also mentioned I had so much hate towards him! I'm spending the new year completely heart broken and wishing he would believe me when I told him how much he meant to me and that I'm a girl who has been burned and who was scared and not some unethical and cruel person who had so much hate towards him as he saw. I was just surprised he just didn't want to give me another chance - 1 night and he took that as a whole depiction of who I was as a person, nevermind the trips we took together, the nights we spent cuddling and watching movies, our hiking trips together..... He let me apologize for an hour only to have already made up his mind. We weren't "talking", he was just letting me have it! I feel horrible knowing I hurt him, but I wish he could see that I am hurting so much as well. I just wish he could see inside my heart and know that I was pushing him away because I was scared! It's a horrible feeling and 2010 is just off to such a heartbreaking start! What should I do, just let him be? In addition, looking back, and to be perfectly objective, I was not all to blame in this. He had a cold and controlling streak and never wanted to communicate with me about things which resulted in me just wanting some emotions from him, which resulted in the unfortunate event. Edited January 2, 2010 by SadKitty78
LovelyDaze Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 This is very fresh. Give him a couple of days and I think it'll be okay to call back and see where he actually stands. If you had broken up for a few weeks,months, or years..I would have told you to go NC and not even bother until he approached you. Hang in there, like I said, it sounds like a pretty decent argument so giving him some space is highly advisable. Tensions are high and wounds have been open. Since you two only have been a couple a little while, do some itinerary on what you want in a boyfriend and also do the same in what you don't. If he is still unresponsive to your requests then you must leave him be. You don't want to become "crazy stalker girl" which is very easy to do in the beginnings of a breakup.
Author SadKitty78 Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 Thank you for your advice! On one hand, I've been wanting to call every second. On the other hand, I am afraid he won't respond, which would be another stab in the heart! And I can't help thinking it was all my fault, that I pushed away a great guy, although I know we had our issues...first argument and fight and he is done with me! That hurts! I know his exes have hurt him in the past, but I had absolutely no intentions of hurting him, I was crying out in pain because I was scared, I was hurting and just wanted some reassurance....instead I pushed him away!
hoping2heal Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Thank you for your advice! On one hand, I've been wanting to call every second. On the other hand, I am afraid he won't respond, which would be another stab in the heart! And I can't help thinking it was all my fault, that I pushed away a great guy, although I know we had our issues...first argument and fight and he is done with me! That hurts! I know his exes have hurt him in the past, but I had absolutely no intentions of hurting him, I was crying out in pain because I was scared, I was hurting and just wanted some reassurance....instead I pushed him away! Sad Kitty, Finding a good partner is a lot like sifting through metal. You will never know which ones are real gold until they have been refined through the fire. That is to say, anyone who walks out of a relationship on the first fight; was not planning to withstand the heat. No relationship is perfect of without it's share of strife and arguments. These things happen and anyone who is just going to walk out on you? Is not the kind of person you need to be further investing yourself into anyway. That's like building your house on sand in hurricaine season. You are just ASKING to be hurt. I'm sorry you are hurting, but consider this a blessing in disguise.
Author SadKitty78 Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 Hoping2Heal: Your words of wisdom are beautiful and so true! Over one fight and he was willing to let me go like this?! Walks out on me? LovelyDaze: I caved in and texted him today, also called and left a message. Told him I hated how we left things and that I am sorry that even if a relationship didn't work out, that I would like to stay friends with him. Wanted to see how he was doing, etc., etc., and no response!
singlegirl Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 having heard that he didn't want to communicate raised a huge red flag for me...You had insecurities, ok you went about it in the wrong way but could that have been through sheer frustration? Guys shouldnt leave you with an insecutity. Love should make you feel safe and wanted.....Maybe he just wasn't in it for anyhting other than the good bits? I know it's a bitter pill to swallow now but would you want to be with someone for years who wouldn't communicate with you? I heard someone say dating is where we try other people on to see how well they fit.....maybe you guys just ddn't fit...Don't be hard on yourself, a man who's really into you will take a lot of BS before he walks, read the other posts and you will see the truth of it....
LovelyDaze Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 LovelyDaze: I caved in and texted him today, also called and left a message. Told him I hated how we left things and that I am sorry that even if a relationship didn't work out, that I would like to stay friends with him. Wanted to see how he was doing, etc., etc., and no response! Okay, SadKitty78. We have a setback here. That's okay. Some of us have been there. What you need to do now is go back to NC. To be blunt, your ex now believes he is all great and powerful. I don't have the link off hand but read singlegirl's thread: Why you should keep NC with dumpers on this same board. It is a thing of brilliance and will make you feel as if your OWN EX wrote the letter to you. Once you've read it, keep that in your gut everyday when you decide you want to call him again...it'll stop you in your damn tracks!
adamt Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Hoping2Heal: Your words of wisdom are beautiful and so true! Over one fight and he was willing to let me go like this?! Walks out on me? It might have been over one fight. But i Bet he has been having doubts for a while. Probably been on his mind.
Author SadKitty78 Posted January 4, 2010 Author Posted January 4, 2010 It might have been over one fight. But i Bet he has been having doubts for a while. Probably been on his mind. Yes, precisely, and that's where the lack of communication came in! He had doubts but never discussed them with me! As for my side, I had some HUGE RED FLAGS about him and I tried addressing them with him, but he would never address them with me so it culminated into that one huge fight!
Author SadKitty78 Posted January 4, 2010 Author Posted January 4, 2010 having heard that he didn't want to communicate raised a huge red flag for me...You had insecurities, ok you went about it in the wrong way but could that have been through sheer frustration? Guys shouldnt leave you with an insecutity. Love should make you feel safe and wanted.....Maybe he just wasn't in it for anyhting other than the good bits? I know it's a bitter pill to swallow now but would you want to be with someone for years who wouldn't communicate with you? I heard someone say dating is where we try other people on to see how well they fit.....maybe you guys just ddn't fit...Don't be hard on yourself, a man who's really into you will take a lot of BS before he walks, read the other posts and you will see the truth of it.... Thank you for your words! You are absolutely correct - I was beating myself up for it just way too much! It became obvious to me that he didn't really care about me, just my appearance and having a gf on his arms. Someone really into me as a person would have wanted to work it out. Either that or he's got a lot of issues and walks the moment a relationship became "difficult". And when I wrote the above, it was just post- breakup so I saw just the good things about the relationship and what I did "wrong". He tried to make me into someone I wasn't (insisted I dress a certain way, etc.,), he was controlling - if things went his way he would be sweet, otherwise he'd be cold and shut down. While I regret my method at trying to get him to communicate (starting a fight while drunk on NYE), I am now focusing on moving on and remembering the bad aspects of this relationship instead of the "good times"! So you are right, maybe the insecurities were more warranted than I initially thought! I would bring them up from time to time, but he would NEVER address them, but continued to be controlling and cold, etc....so out of frustration, I did what I did!
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