hopesndreams Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 How often and how does she initiate contact?
Author canadaman111 Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 How often and how does she initiate contact? A few times a day, but we do have 2 kids we are trying to parent with each other still having a say. Most contact is to do with that. Other times she is looking for me to help her out. I told her since she wouldn't have a car I could still take her places and I said she could come do laundry, and stuff like that. Is doing that stuff for her a bad idea? I feel showing how nice I can be doing stuff like that could help us get back together. I am careful to make sure she osn't just using me though. If I find that to be the case i will end it in a hurry.
hopesndreams Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 She has left you and the kids, has bailed on the family, and who knows what else. It is not your job to make things easy for her, especially since you want her back. You need to go against what your heart wants to do and use your brain instead. You are in shock and you are hurting and you don't want to rock the boat, but that is what you must do to get your answer on whether or not the M can be saved. Cut off Mr. Nice Guy. She is not working with you on the relationship so she doesn't deserve for you to cater to her. She needs to find other transportation and go to the laundromat. You do not initiate contact, ever and when she contacts you, keep it short, to the point, talk about kids only and be nice. She needs to miss you and wonder about you. If you are at her beck and call, accepting whatever crumbs she throws your way, she will not respect you. Respect precedes love. Do investigate, find out the truth whether there is an OM or not. You say it doesn't matter but as long as there is an OM in the picture, your M is doomed.
Author canadaman111 Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 She has left you and the kids, has bailed on the family, and who knows what else. It is not your job to make things easy for her, especially since you want her back. You need to go against what your heart wants to do and use your brain instead. You are in shock and you are hurting and you don't want to rock the boat, but that is what you must do to get your answer on whether or not the M can be saved. Cut off Mr. Nice Guy. She is not working with you on the relationship so she doesn't deserve for you to cater to her. She needs to find other transportation and go to the laundromat. You do not initiate contact, ever and when she contacts you, keep it short, to the point, talk about kids only and be nice. She needs to miss you and wonder about you. If you are at her beck and call, accepting whatever crumbs she throws your way, she will not respect you. Respect precedes love. Do investigate, find out the truth whether there is an OM or not. You say it doesn't matter but as long as there is an OM in the picture, your M is doomed. If I do this mow, and cut out mr. nice guy will she not think I am mad at her? While your idea sounds good, what if she just thinks I am mad. At this point i don't think she is using me and is quite impressed with how i am still willing to help her. I agree she has to start thinking about me and missing me for things to have a chance. Tomorrow I go back to work after xmas break and it should make it much easier to not have to talk so much.
hopesndreams Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 At this point i don't think she is using me and is quite impressed with how i am still willing to help her. You could very well be a doormat in her eyes. Show her the strong, confident man that you are and that you are in control of the situation. Show her life goes on for you, with or without her. Do you know of the 180? It's the only thing that has a chance of working, if used correctly. When you screw up, and you will, you're only human, you get right back on plan. Here it is. 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage. 4. Do not follow her around the house. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 8. Do not buy gifts. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say "I Love You". 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic. 23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.
Author canadaman111 Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 At this point i don't think she is using me and is quite impressed with how i am still willing to help her. You could very well be a doormat in her eyes. Show her the strong, confident man that you are and that you are in control of the situation. Show her life goes on for you, with or without her. Do you know of the 180? It's the only thing that has a chance of working, if used correctly. When you screw up, and you will, you're only human, you get right back on plan. Here it is. 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 2. No frequent phone calls. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage. 4. Do not follow her around the house. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. 6. Do not ask for help from family members. 7. Do not ask for reassurances. 8. Do not buy gifts. 9. Do not schedule dates together. 10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say "I Love You". 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic. 23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes. thanks a lot I am going to try to use this everyday as I work through this!
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