canadaman111 Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 This is my first post here and I am really looking for some advice. I will try to start from the beginning so this will end up being a long post. First off I guess we were never actually married. I am 29 she is 28. We have been together for 11 years and living together for 8 years. We have 2 boys aged 8 and 7. The majority of them 11 years were pretty good, other then the normal issues all relationships face. The one issue we always had is that I would be jealous when she wanted to do things without me and with her friends. I have gotten better over time with this but have never been able to fully get rid of it. One other issue is we didn't take time for just us. We spent all of our time and money doing things with the kids, never just us. The first serious issues came near the end of June. I don't know what actually started it then I guess it was just built up stuff. Anyways she works at mcdonalds as a manager, and cause of this she works with a lot of young people like in there teens or early 20s. She started hanging around these people a lot, and spending less time with the boys and I. We talked and worked through it and by mid July things seemed like they were back to normal. Things went great most of the summer. Right as the kids were going back to school things went bad again. Again I don't know the exact reason. This was a real tough time for us. This is the first time she said she was thinking of leaving. Though I took her seriously I never thought she would actually go. We both worked hard at it and as our trip to a football game came in mid October things seemed pretty good again. We spent a night in a hotel there the night before the game and did some shopping and stuff. The night in the hotel we actually came close to being intimate for the first time since augest. Right in that moment I was just so happy that our relationship was fixed and back to normal that i wasn't even interested in sex. I just cried i was so happy i had the love of my life back. She was upset by this, she thought I didn't find her attractive anymore. I can understand her thoughts, but assured her that wasn't the case. I thought she might feel happy cause it shows I didn't want her for just sex. We came home from that trip and things went back downhill. She felt i wasn't attracted to her and i felt I wasn't good enough to meet her needs. In this period she really started hanging out with her friends a lot. She wouldn't even tell me where she was going or when she would be home anymore. At the start of November she told me she was leaving in febuary. A few weeks later she had found an apartment and was moving in with her sister january 1st. The time between when she told me and know was pretty up and down. We could get along so good or so bad, and it didn't seem to take much to sway it either way. I tried for a longtime to convince her to stay. That was probably a bad idea, you can't have someone stay cause you are forcing them to. I tried all the bad ideas like telling her I couldn't live without her and other desperate things. I have since realized that I have to let her go if i want her back. Yesterday the day came. I tried to be good about it. I even helped her and her uncle move her stuff out to the truck. I forgot to mention the kids decided to stay with me and I refinanced the house and paid off the car and all debts. Now as I sit here today in our half empty house I miss her so much and feel so depressed. I am trying to stay busy but nothing seems to be "fun" anymore. I just don't know what to do with myself. I really want her to come back, but do feel this time apart is nessesary right now. Whenever we could make things better it always seemed like before we could reach the top of the hill we would slide back down to the bottom. I feel that over the years we stopped being a couple and were just parents. Then we slowly stopped being friends as well. We tried to be a couple again but we weren't really friends anymore and that is why it didn't last. We have to use this time to be friends again before being a couple could ever work. She says she will never come back and won't miss me. She cannot know that. Neither one of us know what will happen know. She could want to come back in a while and I could have changed my mind by then. Personally i think she will want to come back in a few months. She will miss the boys and me. She will also miss the stability of her old life. I am trying to do all the right things. i have told her she can do her laundry here and I would invite her over for supper and drive her somewhere if she needs to go somewhere. I also know though that we do need time apart to fix things. I want her back so much, but I am smart enough to know that I can't just let her come back when/if she want to. I will have to think about it and make sure it is for the right reasons. It is best for the boys and her and I if we can be together as a family again. Thank you for reading through this book. I would really like any advice or tips on how to cope with this and how to make a shot at getting us back together more likely. Thanks so much
GrayClouds Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 canadaman I am really sorry our going through this pain. It is very hard but you will make it through. I know it is counter intuitive but the best thing you can do right now is to focus on yourself and your kids. What ever she does or does not do at this point is up to her an not much you do will influence that. She is in a very selfsih place right now and suspect that there is more going on with her then she is letting you know. SO be kind to yourself, do not beat yourself up by blaming everything on yourself or by trying to make sense of it. I suggest reading this two links: The No Contact Guide So you want a second chance? They will make it easier, not easy, but easier to get through this. Keep posting and Good luck.
RedDevil66 Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 what strikes me is why, if she is leaving and hurting you, why would she say "I won't ever come back or miss you"? Sounds like she has resentment. Why is she being so cruel?!
Author canadaman111 Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 what strikes me is why, if she is leaving and hurting you, why would she say "I won't ever come back or miss you"? Sounds like she has resentment. Why is she being so cruel?! I think she is resentful cause of how challenging the last 6 months have been. I also feel she is resentful since the boys picked to stay with me and I get to keep the car, the house and most other things. She says she won't come back when I ask her if she will come back. I know asking a question like that is not a good idea and have stopped doing it.
RedDevil66 Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Hmmm, not sure only the last 6 months have made her so resentful. It takes a long time to build up that sort of resentment. If she is leaving and is cruel about it, she wants to hurt you for some reason
Author canadaman111 Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 This past weekend has went pretty well. We have got along pretty well considering. The toughest part right now is waking up in the morning without her laying beside me. All of these issues seem like things that will just get better with time. I want her to be happy. I hope she is doing ok, but I guess I also want her to regret her decision in time. I just hope so bad we can put our family together again.
nobmagnet Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 poor you. welcome to loveshack. Give her the space she wants. It takes a huge amout of resentment to leave your children! Blimy. Have you any clue as to another person involved here? My ex resented me hugely and i only realised why when i found e.mails to other woman. Its a horrid thought i know but maybe worth trying to do a little digging. You need to know what you are up against. so sorry for you. take care x nob
Author canadaman111 Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 poor you. welcome to loveshack. Give her the space she wants. It takes a huge amout of resentment to leave your children! Blimy. Have you any clue as to another person involved here? My ex resented me hugely and i only realised why when i found e.mails to other woman. Its a horrid thought i know but maybe worth trying to do a little digging. You need to know what you are up against. so sorry for you. take care x nob I found out over the last 6 months there is a guy she works with who she says she has a crush on. She says she has had this for a year now. She said she would never do anything about it, and that it is natural to feel attracted to someone you work with occasionally. I do believe it is normal to feel attracted to someone you work with, but she has told a lot of her friends about it. Which seems a little weird. There are to big reasons why I don't think she will move on this. One at her work you can not date someone you work with, both parties can get fired. The other is that this other guy smokes and she is allergic to smoke and gets bad headaches. I am not to concerned to be honest if she has a new guy. I just think it will make her miss me sooner. As for her leaving the the kids. Yeah I was surprised to. She always thought they would go with her, and was shocked when they chose to stay with me. If i were in her position and was leaving and not being forced out and they kids chose to not go with me I would reconsider leaving to not have to leave my kids.
nobmagnet Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 yes my sentements. I couldnt leave my kids behind. I seriously think there might be more than meets the eye on this one. Unless she is a complete heartless b*tch it stinks of an affaire. Keep strong xx
Author canadaman111 Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 yes my sentements. I couldnt leave my kids behind. I seriously think there might be more than meets the eye on this one. Unless she is a complete heartless b*tch it stinks of an affaire. Keep strong xx She has always strongly said she would never cheat. I have always believed her and will continue to do so.
nobmagnet Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 cool. You know her and I dont. Space then. Give her time to miss the kids and you. She must be pretty confused right now and in a few days of being alone she might realise what a dreadful mistake she has made. I hope so. Mybe even tho she has gone you could suggest couples counselling? It might get to the base of your problems. xx
Author canadaman111 Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 cool. You know her and I dont. Space then. Give her time to miss the kids and you. She must be pretty confused right now and in a few days of being alone she might realise what a dreadful mistake she has made. I hope so. Mybe even tho she has gone you could suggest couples counselling? It might get to the base of your problems. xx She has resisted to idea of counceling in the past. i think it could help but i feel that we should wait awhile for things improve first.
hopesndreams Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 The longer you wait for the situation to improve, without doing anything, it will just give her more time to be with the OM, get closer to him and then be with him full time and then you and your kids, will be left in the dust. No one wants to believe the person we love could do such a despicable act of cheating! You have your head in the sand. She won't one day, wake up and think, "OMG, what have I done?" and then run into your arms. That is a dream Canadaman, it will not happen in your reality. You are in for a fight to save your M and in order to do that you need to find out who the enemy is. A mother will not leave her children without there being someone in the picture to give her comfort.
Author canadaman111 Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 The longer you wait for the situation to improve, without doing anything, it will just give her more time to be with the OM, get closer to him and then be with him full time and then you and your kids, will be left in the dust. No one wants to believe the person we love could do such a despicable act of cheating! You have your head in the sand. She won't one day, wake up and think, "OMG, what have I done?" and then run into your arms. That is a dream Canadaman, it will not happen in your reality. You are in for a fight to save your M and in order to do that you need to find out who the enemy is. A mother will not leave her children without there being someone in the picture to give her comfort. I never thought of her "not leaving her kids unless there was someone else". It does make sense. Still though I just don't think it is a very good idea at all to pressure her at this point. I have already tried this for the last few months with absolutely no progress. She knows how I feel and unless her feelings change there is nothing I can do. I am just going to try to be as nice as possible and hope she misses us and takes notice that I have changes and am nicer now. I don't see whether or not she has another man to be important now. Her family can give her more then any other man can and I hope she will realize that.
mark982 Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 your first priorty is to your kids. she moved out,you gotta get legal custody of them. then have her pay child support. and there is a 99% chance there is a om, don't care what she says. like hopesndreams says no mother leaves her kids w/o someone else being there for her.
Author canadaman111 Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 your first priorty is to your kids. she moved out,you gotta get legal custody of them. then have her pay child support. and there is a 99% chance there is a om, don't care what she says. like hopesndreams says no mother leaves her kids w/o someone else being there for her. We are not planning on using a lawyer. The kids wanted to stay with me and we said that is final. I am not going to make her pay child support. I know she can't afford it and she agreed to help where she can. As for the other man thing. I still think there isn't one. I have forgot to mention she is has got an apartment with her sister. So she is not completly alone.
RedDevil66 Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Cman, I totally feel your pain and respect your position, but something is just not right with this story. You also seem a little too "cocky" when you say "no other man can give her what she has now" How do you know this? She is leaving her kids and you and is angered and totally full of resentment. No women in their right mind would do this unless they are totally nuts or have been abused in some respect. Maybe look at how you contributed to this situation. Maybe instead of using you energy to win her back, use your energy to focus on where you can grow/change. I'm sorry if i am totally off the mark here, but as a women in her mid 40's who's been through the gamut of hell, I can tell you, something is just not right here.
Author canadaman111 Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 Cman, I totally feel your pain and respect your position, but something is just not right with this story. You also seem a little too "cocky" when you say "no other man can give her what she has now" How do you know this? She is leaving her kids and you and is angered and totally full of resentment. No women in their right mind would do this unless they are totally nuts or have been abused in some respect. Maybe look at how you contributed to this situation. Maybe instead of using you energy to win her back, use your energy to focus on where you can grow/change. I'm sorry if i am totally off the mark here, but as a women in her mid 40's who's been through the gamut of hell, I can tell you, something is just not right here. I have by no means perfect. If you read the first post you will see I blame myself for a lot. I blame myself for not being able to keep the woman I love happy. I promised her so much more. My biggest problem was being jealous. First and foremost I look at this as a chance for us both to become better people. I don't know what will happen after that, no one does. I can accept whatever happens after that, but I feel it is always best for the family if they can get back together. I don't mean to be cocky by saying "no other man could make her as happy as being with her family". Like i said in minute ago families are meant to be together. I will do everything in my power to help that happen. i won't pressure her though. If she doesn't think things have changed, fine the boys and I will be fine.
hopesndreams Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 You have self-esteem issues, am I right? Have you looked into seeing a therapist, for just you? I can't figure out whether you are bottling things up or are just so laid back, you're almost comatose.
Author canadaman111 Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 You have self-esteem issues, am I right? Have you looked into seeing a therapist, for just you? I can't figure out whether you are bottling things up or are just so laid back, you're almost comatose. I do feel I have self-esteem issues right now. I blame myself for this happening. I feel I let the kids down, her down and myself down. I feel I let the family down and am having a tough time forgiving myself. I have been reading a self help book about cognitive therapy. It has helped me very much over the last few months. I feel I have traditional values and feel as the man of the house I let my family down. I do know though that this didn't happen just cause of me.
nobmagnet Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 im glad you added that last statement. No it isnt your fault completely. How the heck could it be??? She has left you and the kids and I cant get my head round that one bit. Its astonishingly callus. Has she no idea of the impact this is going to have on them??? The only children I know where the mother left to "sail her ship" were completely screwed up. Women haters all three.
Template Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 One of the things that strike me is that both of you have been in a relationship since you were both very young. One of the things that I have noticed in a lot of relationships that started very young is that generally the "young" person gets into a point in their lives when they feel like they really don't know themselves, or want to experience a life that they never got to. I don't think any of you have done anything wrong, it's maybe she just wants to see what she missed out in life. As far as her being cruel; sometimes when people don't really understand why they want to break up, they'll "make up" reasons as to why they should. They'll make mountains out of mole hills, to justify the reason to themselves. Many times the fault is within themselves, yet they'll try to blame the other. It's a sign of true immaturity. I think counseling is a great idea, and if she doesn't want to participate, well you can't make here. However, remember this, you deserve a woman who's willing to try. YOUR kids deserve a woman who's willing to try. If she doesn't want to, you don't need her. Also, it's not YOUR job to make her happy. It's YOUR job to help contribute to her happiness. Only she, can make herself happy. Look, there are literally MILLIONS of women out there who'd kill for a husband that loves her, and children in their lives. The fact that she's willing to walk out on that just shows the true type of character she is. Not saying she's bad, it just her character. Lastly, if she wants to diddle around with a McDonald's worker, then let her. One, McDonald's really looks down upon romance between workers, especially if one is a subordinate of another. They'll either fire or move one or both. (Trust me on this). 2, says he's a crew worker, then what kind of future is that. If the dude is younger than say 22, then she just wants some young meat. If he's older than 22, c'mon now... a crew worker older than 22. (no offense to you older mickey D workers, especially in this economy) But if the dude has been there over a year... ummm... make you own conclusions You seem like a genuinely nice guy, and maybe that's the problem. you are still concentrating on what you think her needs are, instead of concentrating on your own. Create a healthy environment for you kids, and show them what real adults do. Do what's best for you (doesn't necessarily means having her in your life), and what's best for your kids. Kids aren't that stupid, and what they'll see is a woman who abandoned them, and she did that to herself.
Author canadaman111 Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 (edited) One of the things that strike me is that both of you have been in a relationship since you were both very young. One of the things that I have noticed in a lot of relationships that started very young is that generally the "young" person gets into a point in their lives when they feel like they really don't know themselves, or want to experience a life that they never got to. I don't think any of you have done anything wrong, it's maybe she just wants to see what she missed out in life. As far as her being cruel; sometimes when people don't really understand why they want to break up, they'll "make up" reasons as to why they should. They'll make mountains out of mole hills, to justify the reason to themselves. Many times the fault is within themselves, yet they'll try to blame the other. It's a sign of true immaturity. I think counseling is a great idea, and if she doesn't want to participate, well you can't make here. However, remember this, you deserve a woman who's willing to try. YOUR kids deserve a woman who's willing to try. If she doesn't want to, you don't need her. Also, it's not YOUR job to make her happy. It's YOUR job to help contribute to her happiness. Only she, can make herself happy. Look, there are literally MILLIONS of women out there who'd kill for a husband that loves her, and children in their lives. The fact that she's willing to walk out on that just shows the true type of character she is. Not saying she's bad, it just her character. Lastly, if she wants to diddle around with a McDonald's worker, then let her. One, McDonald's really looks down upon romance between workers, especially if one is a subordinate of another. They'll either fire or move one or both. (Trust me on this). 2, says he's a crew worker, then what kind of future is that. If the dude is younger than say 22, then she just wants some young meat. If he's older than 22, c'mon now... a crew worker older than 22. (no offense to you older mickey D workers, especially in this economy) But if the dude has been there over a year... ummm... make you own conclusions You seem like a genuinely nice guy, and maybe that's the problem. you are still concentrating on what you think her needs are, instead of concentrating on your own. Create a healthy environment for you kids, and show them what real adults do. Do what's best for you (doesn't necessarily means having her in your life), and what's best for your kids. Kids aren't that stupid, and what they'll see is a woman who abandoned them, and she did that to herself. I appreciate your opinion, and I agree with it to. The boys and I don't need her if she is not willing to try. I don't want the boys to grow up to hate her for walking out on them. I know that was her choice, but she has been a good mother to them. Just got back from dropping the boys off at her place so they could spend a few hours with her before she went to work. It was so hard being there seeing the stuff that was "our" stuff just a short time ago. I guess that will get easier to. As much as I like seeing her right now it is so hard when it is time to go. I feel maybe less contact would be good for a while anyways. The problem is there is no day in the near future I won't need to see her at least for a little. I miss her and will always love her Edited January 3, 2010 by canadaman111
RedDevil66 Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 One of the things that strike me is that both of you have been in a relationship since you were both very young. One of the things that I have noticed in a lot of relationships that started very young is that generally the "young" person gets into a point in their lives when they feel like they really don't know themselves, or want to experience a life that they never got to. I don't think any of you have done anything wrong, it's maybe she just wants to see what she missed out in life. As far as her being cruel; sometimes when people don't really understand why they want to break up, they'll "make up" reasons as to why they should. They'll make mountains out of mole hills, to justify the reason to themselves. Many times the fault is within themselves, yet they'll try to blame the other. It's a sign of true immaturity. I think counseling is a great idea, and if she doesn't want to participate, well you can't make here. However, remember this, you deserve a woman who's willing to try. YOUR kids deserve a woman who's willing to try. If she doesn't want to, you don't need her. Also, it's not YOUR job to make her happy. It's YOUR job to help contribute to her happiness. Only she, can make herself happy. Look, there are literally MILLIONS of women out there who'd kill for a husband that loves her, and children in their lives. The fact that she's willing to walk out on that just shows the true type of character she is. Not saying she's bad, it just her character. Lastly, if she wants to diddle around with a McDonald's worker, then let her. One, McDonald's really looks down upon romance between workers, especially if one is a subordinate of another. They'll either fire or move one or both. (Trust me on this). 2, says he's a crew worker, then what kind of future is that. If the dude is younger than say 22, then she just wants some young meat. If he's older than 22, c'mon now... a crew worker older than 22. (no offense to you older mickey D workers, especially in this economy) But if the dude has been there over a year... ummm... make you own conclusions You seem like a genuinely nice guy, and maybe that's the problem. you are still concentrating on what you think her needs are, instead of concentrating on your own. Create a healthy environment for you kids, and show them what real adults do. Do what's best for you (doesn't necessarily means having her in your life), and what's best for your kids. Kids aren't that stupid, and what they'll see is a woman who abandoned them, and she did that to herself. This is a fantastic post and you can tell you've done a lot of work on yourself to express yourself like this. Cman, please heed this advice right here
Author canadaman111 Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 This is a fantastic post and you can tell you've done a lot of work on yourself to express yourself like this. Cman, please heed this advice right here That is probably the best post in this thread. To be in a state of mind like that right now would be real nice. You guys are right about me worrying more about her needs then my own. I need and want to improve myself for what ever comes in the future. I read so much on here about no contact. What if she is the one initiating most contact? What does that mean? Should I tell her it needs to stop for a while and have us both heal and see where it leads?
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