baloo2 Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I've been dating this guy, whom I met on the internet, for about two weeks. We met up before Christmas, and got on very well. However, something about this guy makes me uncomfortable, mostly, when we talk over the phone. He can be quite snappy and say that I am saying things in a certain way when I really don't feel I've said anything wrong. I feel like I can't say anything at all in case he accuses me of meaning to say soemthing I never really intended! I hate that aspect, but in general enjoy the company and would like to continue dating him. The difficulty is he is often really very nice... but it seems like if I am in a tender mood, some of the things he says hurt me. Yet, I feel if I told him they hurt me he'd say I was being a silly little girl and need to grow up (I admit that doesn't bode well for a future relationship reading that back). I believe that communication is important, and feel I have to be someone different when I talk to him. I don't only want to talk to him when bouncy and happy, and even then there may be something I'll say that he thinks is unreasonable! I don't know what to do for the best. Has anyone been through a similar experience or is this just a no-brainer? Dump and move on?
Els Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Yet, I feel if I told him they hurt me he'd say I was being a silly little girl and need to grow up (I admit that doesn't bode well for a future relationship reading that back). Correct. You should give it a try, tell him and see what he says. You may be pleasantly surprised - some men, especially younger men, don't even realize that they're being douchebags while they're at it, and appreciate a heads-up. On the other hand, if he does act so dismissively of your feelings especially during such early stages of the relationship, count yourself lucky you got out before you became more attached.
Author baloo2 Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 He is in his late thirties and has never been married. I keep feeling that I need to review what am saying after he scolds me.. .I told him he was snapping at me, and he says "am not snapping I just say how it is and I tell the truth". He doesn't see how saying such things can hurt my feelings. What's important to him is that he's honest, and sometimes this is at the expense of my feelings. He has already said I was too needy and it put it down to my hormones. I said "being needy isn't always a bad thing. I also said "isn't it nice to be wanted?"and he went flying off the handle. Correct. You should give it a try, tell him and see what he says. You may be pleasantly surprised - some men, especially younger men, don't even realize that they're being douchebags while they're at it, and appreciate a heads-up. On the other hand, if he does act so dismissively of your feelings especially during such early stages of the relationship, count yourself lucky you got out before you became more attached.
boogieboy Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 He is in his late thirties and has never been married. I keep feeling that I need to review what am saying after he scolds me.. .I told him he was snapping at me, and he says "am not snapping I just say how it is and I tell the truth". He doesn't see how saying such things can hurt my feelings. What's important to him is that he's honest, and sometimes this is at the expense of my feelings. He has already said I was too needy and it put it down to my hormones. I said "being needy isn't always a bad thing. I also said "isn't it nice to be wanted?"and he went flying off the handle. And you want to stay with him after reading this? Cant you do any better? He's not going to change, and you might be sensitive. So subjectively, this is the start of an abusive relationship. You should get out now.
Malenfant Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 i'd say if something makes you uncomfortable this early in the relationship then you should move on. everything should be sweetness and light at the beginning!
stevejohnson1976 Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 i dont think never being married and in his 30's should matter. im 30's and never married but was just in 2 very long relationships...i would hope someone wouldnt hold that against me! as for the snapping part? that would concern me. it probably stems from insecurity and a temper. buyer beware.
Author baloo2 Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 as for the snapping part? that would concern me. it probably stems from insecurity and a temper. buyer beware. He used to be in the armed forces....does this influence anyone's opinion? Disclaimer: I am not suggesting that in itself makes him angry or insecure, am just curious as to what others think.
InspiredbyYou Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 What's important to him is that he's honest, and sometimes this is at the expense of my feelings. He has already said I was too needy and it put it down to my hormones. I said "being needy isn't always a bad thing. I also said "isn't it nice to be wanted?"and he went flying off the handle.Sounds like he is testy and irritable because he doesn't like how you are behaving. Still no excuse. If he sees you as needy then there isn't much that will change with this dynamic. You cannot change over night and he will not get any nicer in time. He is in his late thirties and has never been married. I keep feeling that I need to review what am saying after he scolds me.. .I told him he was snapping at me, and he says "am not snapping I just say how it is and I tell the truth". People with attitude problems often claim that they do not have a problem that they are just being "honest and straight shooters". What they fail to see is that they are neither, they are just mean-spirited self-centered pricks who don't really care how they make others feel. But I think he is especially like this because he has seen things in you that he doesn't like. He is showing you that he does not respect you, I would seriously consider moving on since it seems all he is interested in is abusing you. If he feels so strongly about your neediness that it irritates him he should move on, not stick around to pay you more insults. But before you do tell him "you my friend, you are an azzhole" I'm just saying it how it is and I tell the truth.
MyNameIsJonas Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 as for the snapping part? that would concern me. it probably stems from insecurity and a temper. buyer beware. He used to be in the armed forces....does this influence anyone's opinion? Disclaimer: I am not suggesting that in itself makes him angry or insecure, am just curious as to what others think. Just because he served the country doesn't give him an excuse to act like that. I know I have said one or two bad comments to a woman in the past, but I'm quick to realize my mistake, recover, and learn not to do it again. If the guy is constantly acting like this and not learning from his mistakes, then yeah, I would say that is a huge red flag. To quote an eariler post: "Buyer beware."
D-Lish Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 He doesn't see how saying such things can hurt my feelings.. Oh yes he does, and he doesn't care. How many more red flags do you need to see before you walk? He is acting like a douche.
2sunny Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 leave. run!!! ask yourself why you are willing to put up with such an a hole? why are you trying to justify his bad behavior? why aren't you telling him to take a leap? is this what you grew up with - so it looks "normal" to you? i'd be willing to bet money it is...
DustySaltus Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 If there are this many problems already how could you ever see it getting any better? Find someone with a stable foundation instead of this ground up construction project.
JustLooking123 Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Let's review the facts: 1. You've been dating for 2 weeks. 2. He often snaps at you. 3. You feel that you cannot be yourself around him. Isn't it obvious? Cut your losses, thank your lucky stars you only wasted 2 weeks on a jerk, and run! People are (or should be) on their best behavior during the early stages of dating - just imagine what you'd be in for if you stuck around.
Author baloo2 Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 Well, he was very nice today, apart from a minor issue. He is feeling very unwell ATM, and I made the mistake of saying he sounded sexy at one point , to which he pretended he couldn't hear, and then I told him I needed a man and he simply told me to "play with myself!" I was really trying to flatter him, open up to him intimately, but I guess he wasn't in the mood, him being ill and all. Now was that my fault saying those things when I know he's ill, or his fault for not indulging me despite being ill?
thegreatmoose Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Well, he was very nice today, apart from a minor issue. He is feeling very unwell ATM, and I made the mistake of saying he sounded sexy at one point , to which he pretended he couldn't hear, and then I told him I needed a man and he simply told me to "play with myself!" I was really trying to flatter him, open up to him intimately, but I guess he wasn't in the mood, him being ill and all. Now was that my fault saying those things when I know he's ill, or his fault for not indulging me despite being ill? I'd dump him over that one comment alone and being sick is no excuse. It's his fault and this doesn't sound minor to me. I would never say that to a woman. You can do much better.
JustLooking123 Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Quit making excuses for him. It is becoming quite clear that you have very low self-esteem, trying to blame yourself for his jerkiness. Dump him and work on your self-worth.
You'reasian Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 I agree with the responses of these posts. The two of you already see things that you dislike about each other, which means there are some instant compatibility issues. Its worth a discussion, but after that its time to move on.
mutemath Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Honestly? This sounds like the beginning of an abusive relationship, I would stop dating him and move on before it gets harder to get out of. In the beginning there will be small red flags that will grow and grow - and there are plenty of red flags here.
aerogurl87 Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Baloo he sounds like an @$$hole to be honest. I mean just about every guy I know would take a compliment from the girl they are dating and be very happy to have her flirt naughtily with them even if they were sick. Even my ex, who turned out to be an emotionally abusive guy, would've been happy if I told him something like that. This guy is just a jerk, plain and simple. Drop him and move on.
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 He sounds like a ****ing brat. Sick or no - that's uncalled for. Dump his ass.
mushmush Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 guy is a dick... Ditch him and never call him again.
sid3 Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 A total D bag. In a few months he'll be beating the crap out of you:mad:. You are suppose to be feeling giddy when you first start dating someone. There is no reason to continue talking to this boner. Except to say your done, of course remind him that your being honest and telling it like it is.
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