Relationships that start via the net?

[threebyfate]

Not at all. And it's a fact of life TBF.. that some people online are messed up.. same holds true for many IRL. My point was more about the dangers of these types of relationships.. and if they really amount to anything productive.

 

Mea:)

Mea, it's also a fact of life that pretty much EVERYONE is messed up in one way or the other. There are no perfect individuals around. And for certain, not every dating experience or relationship will last forever.

 

If people are happy connecting online, who are we to say that it won't work for them. Just because the one(s) we experienced didn't work out, doesn't matter. Not everyone online is a killer or rapist. Beyond that, it's no different than getting involved in RL. Sooner or later, no matter how well you "think" you know someone, they always surprise you in some way. Sometimes it takes years and years to find this out.

 

Life's about risk. No risks, no return.

 

Let people be happy.

[marlena]

Isn't it rather disingenuous to only point the finger externally, for people online being messed up, and yet, also be someone who has had online relationships, whether it's friendships or romantic interests

 

No, not really. How else would you know that many messed up people are attracted to the Net like filings to a magnet if you haven't had first hand experience? I can speak about this because I dated many people from the Net. First-hand knowledge..empirical knowledge and not just theorizing.

[Lizzie60]

I agree Marlena... plus when someone knows the person.. and warn them.. gosh.. what more can they do... it's ridiculous..

 

That's when I loooove to say : 'Told you"...

[carhill]

To me, it's just a medium of communication. Prior, in the 'old days', I used personals ads in the newspaper and telephone personals to supplement women I met IRL. The key was bringing those virtual meetings into the flesh as quickly as possible. I also have the same opinion regarding 'net 'friends'. Acquaintances and associations can exist virtually, but real friendships happen in person. So, for myself, the same rules apply, whether that person is in the next town or 10,000 miles away.

[Meaplus3]

Mea, it's also a fact of life that pretty much EVERYONE is messed up in one way or the other. There are no perfect individuals around. And for certain, not every dating experience or relationship will last forever.

 

TBF.. I was not born yesterday and I'm fully aware of that.

 

If people are happy connecting online, who are we to say that it won't work for them. Just because the one(s) we experienced didn't work out, doesn't matter. Not everyone online is a killer or rapist. Beyond that, it's no different than getting involved in RL. Sooner or later, no matter how well you "think" you know someone, they always surprise you in some way. Sometimes it takes years and years to find this out.

 

I'm sorry I do not agree with you here.. and I'm leaving it at that!

 

 

Let people be happy.

 

 

I'd rather see them be safe. There personal welfare is more important to me.

 

 

 

To me, it's just a medium of communication. Prior, in the 'old days', I used personals ads in the newspaper and telephone personals to supplement women I met IRL. The key was bringing those virtual meetings into the flesh as quickly as possible. I also have the same opinion regarding 'net 'friends'. Acquaintances and associations can exist virtually, but real friendships happen in person. So, for myself, the same rules apply, whether that person is in the next town or 10,000 miles away.

 

Great post Carhill.

 

Mea:)

Edited January 2, 2010 by Meaplus3

[sb129]

Agree with carhill and TBF here. Its unfortunate that some people have terrible experiences with online dating, but in truth you can also have awful "messed up" relationships with people you meet IRL.

 

My WORST R ever was with someone who was seemingly a good "misunderstood" guy in the beginning, and we started out as work acquaintances. He turned into a total nutcase and the fallout was disastrous- I ended up getting pretty major depression as a result.

 

Conversely, my H (married for one year today!) is a wonderful man, we have a gorgeous child together and we're very happy. His family is from the same area as mine (so background checks were pretty easy) and our life together is great.

 

We met online, and met up IRL shortly after- it became a RL R pretty quickly, but without the method of "introduction" so to speak, we may never have met.

[sb129]

PS- I do agree that online LDRs can be difficult from what I have observed and have been told here.

[Vertex]

Absolutely, the net is a great place to meet people.

 

However, I can't say my luck has come from dating sites, but rather online communities in general. I met one girlfriend online and things were rather quickly brought to a real-life level. Lasted for about two years. Don't regret a single minute of it -- very intelligent, high-quality woman. Things just happened to wind up being incompatible between us. My underlying story behind that relationship is really quite unique and awesome, if anyone cares to hear it.

 

I've made great friends through various online communities that I've known for years/still talk to today/meet up with. I'd say having an "interest/hobby site" is a good place to start. In general, an online community is really no different from any other community except that it is online. If you're into, say, skiing -- there are tons of forums for this, and you'll likely be able to find members of the opposite sex there that you can strike up a convo with outside of the site.

 

My point is that a good place to find people online is to go to online communities that will be composed of likeminded individuals. It feels much more natural this way because there is no pressure. This has been my gripe with dating sites -- people meeting up WITH THE INTENT to "date/judge for dateworthiness." It seems like there are so many expectations and pressures in that type of meeting, whereas an online community-derived interaction is far less restricted and it is much more natural -- attraction happens if it happens, much like any other sort of natural real-life interaction that forms an attraction.

 

That being said, if you can't bring something to a real-life level on a permanent basis, LDR's are very hard. The girlfriend I mentioned earlier was across the country from me for about a year. We'd visit each other by plane when we could -- we only became "permanently close" when college rolled around, and then we lasted for another year. In the meantime, though, there is so much patience and communication required to keep an LDR going. The only problem is that you risk idealizing things. Since you are not actually spending time in person, you risk playing scenarios out in your imagination that set up unrealistic expectations. Real life may be a bit different, depending on your level of communication.

Edited January 3, 2010 by Vertex

[Stockalone]

What are your feelings on relationship's that start via the net? Do you think that people use the net for relationships because they feel more safe.. then trying for a R in their local area? Perhaps because the person is shy.. or perhaps they have something to hide and are not whom they claim to be? I wonder about this because I've heard so many horror stories about people meeting up after a net friendship/R... and well it did not go well and the person they were meeting turned out to be a real SOB. To, me it's risky and IMO has the potential to be VERY dangerous. Thoughts please?

 

Mea:)

 

I agree that it has the potential to be dangerous. My sole experience with Internet friendship has turned me into a bitter man.

 

But I can't blame the Internet for that, it was my own doing. I knew the risks and chose to proceed regardless. I treated the net friendship like it was real, not different than the friendships I have with guys I have known for most of my life. That was not a good idea.

 

As it turns out, I am just not cut out for having net friendships or a female friend. But that is a result of my personality, who I am. It is not because of the net.

 

My net friendship ended very badly even though we met and had a great time together. Yet in the end, I felt treated like a disposable towel. Something that is nice to have when you need it but at the same time discarded without a second thought because it essentially has no value. It made me angry and I acted on that anger. As a result, my net friend is now very glad that I don't know where she lives.

 

I am certain it was neither her nor my intention to make the other feel like that, but that is what happened. That is a sad and undeserving ending to a friendship that meant a lot to me. And I am sad (and also hurt) that this is how she feels now.

 

That said, this is only my side of the story. Who knows what this summary would look like if my friend told that story?

 

 

Despite my own concerns and my bad experience, the Internet is just a tool, and it can bring people together who would otherwise have never met. That is a good thing.

 

As other posters have mentioned, there are obvious pitfalls to online friendships/relationships. Still, I do think that net friendships/relationships can work. It takes more work IMO than a "regular" dating situation and you have to have faith in people when you have no proof that you can actually trust them. I think it involves a lot of vulnerability and thus has the potential for huge disappointment or even cause plenty of devastation if things don't work out or if you got played.

 

The other side of the coin is, that if you succeed despite all the risks and make the relationship work in RL, that is a very strong and solid foundation for a rewarding relationship that can last a long time, hopefully forever.

[threebyfate]

LS is the first site I've ever allowed anyone close to me. In the past, with other sites, albeit not relationship sites, I held people off at arms-length.

 

I could list off all the reasons why I allowed an attempted romantic connection and also a close friendship to develop, both of which crashed and burned spectacularly.

 

But ultimately, it was my responsibility to ensure that I got to know people, before letting them get closer. I will say that I learned a lot from these experiences so don't regret having them and won't repeat them.

 

I think this applies to everyone, whether it's cyberspace or real life. If you're constantly letting people who aren't good for you, close to you, you have to ask yourself why this is happening. Keep in mind that "not good for you" means not healthy for your emotional well-being, whether they're not nice people or just people who aren't compatible.

[Star Gazer]

BF's brother met his now-fiance on MySpace. They joke that she was trolling for dates, as she literally came across his page and messaged him. It did help, however, that they lived literally a mile apart and have a ton in common.

 

My good guy friend also met his GF (soon to be fiance, as he has already purchased the ring) via some sort of chat room or forum.

 

BUT I also know of plenty of experiences that were just...messed up. But then again, the averages of happily-ever-after and not working out seem on par with those IRL. So, who knows. *shrug*

[Meaplus3]

BUT I also know of plenty of experiences that were just...messed up. But then again, the averages of happily-ever-after and not working out seem on par with those IRL. So, who knows. *shrug*

 

Good point SG.

 

Mea:)

[Romance]

i met my boyfriend VERY accidentally on line. We've been dating a year and a half and i love him so much. We're so compatible. I am embarassed of how we met though, i lie to everyone.

[Citizen Erased]

i met my boyfriend VERY accidentally on line. We've been dating a year and a half and i love him so much. We're so compatible. I am embarassed of how we met though, i lie to everyone.

 

Does he lie to everyone too? I can't imagine how that must be like, being ashamed of a big part of your relationship, how you met.

[OnlyJake]

I have a friend who met someone on a political forum...she was from the US, he lived in another country...she ended up moving to his country and they are married happy for many years now.

 

Another friend dated a guy for 2 years that she met on a dating website.

 

I don't know anyone else who's met someone online...but for the two people I do know, it worked out pretty well.

[Romance]

Does he lie to everyone too? I can't imagine how that must be like, being ashamed of a big part of your relationship, how you met.

 

no. he told people the truth. My close family knows how I met him (only because we had to arrange to meet..so i needed to explain it, plus if he ended up being a weirdo, i wanted my family knowing the truth.) The only people who I have actually lied to are my friends. Because we're only 18/19. And..uh, my friends would not be understanding of meeting someone online, they'd think it was so weird, hell even I think its weird. It does suck, it makes him mad I lie..but I can't help it. I'm not ashamed of him, just the way we met.

[aerogurl87]

What are your feelings on relationship's that start via the net? Do you think that people use the net for relationships because they feel more safe.. then trying for a R in their local area? Perhaps because the person is shy.. or perhaps they have something to hide and are not whom they claim to be? I wonder about this because I've heard so many horror stories about people meeting up after a net friendship/R... and well it did not go well and the person they were meeting turned out to be a real SOB. To, me it's risky and IMO has the potential to be VERY dangerous. Thoughts please?

 

Mea:)

 

Well I met my current boyfriend on the net on mistake. I wasn't planning to date him or anything and we met in a chat room. But after about 6 months of friendly chatting we decided to finally hang out and sparks just flew. So no, I don't think everyone who starts a relationship via the net is necessarily shy or has some ulterior motive. Granted it is risky to a certain extent if you don't take precautions when meeting initially. But hooking up with random strangers you meet at a bar or club is risky too. Perhaps even more so when you think about it.

[Els]

But how do you know if they are really good people if you have not meet them IRL.. and spent time with them?

 

 

I did meet them IRL and spend time with them, although not all ended up as relationships.

[Meaplus3]

Well I met my current boyfriend on the net on mistake. I wasn't planning to date him or anything and we met in a chat room. But after about 6 months of friendly chatting we decided to finally hang out and sparks just flew. So no, I don't think everyone who starts a relationship via the net is necessarily shy or has some ulterior motive. Granted it is risky to a certain extent if you don't take precautions when meeting initially. But hooking up with random strangers you meet at a bar or club is risky too. Perhaps even more so when you think about it.

 

 

Well, it sounds to me like in your case you wound up with a very decent real person after meeting online. Your lucky.. and my bet is that he was very sincere and did not play women. Infact, I imagine he was just chatting with you and not others at the same time. I've heard of so many men who do that. They are telling one woman how beautiful they are one month.. and the next day, week or month they are onto the another what gives with that anyway? He sounds great and very honest. Glad it worked for you.

 

Mea:)

[Stockalone]

Well, it sounds to me like in your case you wound up with a very decent real person after meeting online. Your lucky.. and my bet is that he was very sincere and did not play women.

 

People don't need the internet to play other people.

 

That said, meeting online makes it easier to give a false impression of yourself. Sometimes, that happens by accident, sometimes, it's done intentionally.

 

 

Infact, I imagine he was just chatting with you and not others at the same time. I've heard of so many men who do that. They are telling one woman how beautiful they are one month.. and the next day, week or month they are onto the another what gives with that anyway? He sounds great and very honest. Glad it worked for you.

 

Mea:)

 

It's probably not that different from RL, plenty of people (men and women) multi-date. Meeting online just adds a few more risks/uncertainties but there are always risks, no matter how you meet.

 

I also am pretty sure that women do it too, chatting with multiple men. If real life dates or even other online prospects don't meet the woman's emotional needs, it can come in handy to have a sappy guy sitting on the other end of a computer screen to take care of those when she needs it. An added bonus is that the online guy doesn't know her friends, so he is "safe". And if she is just toying with men online, nobody she knows in real life will ever know that she played someone.

 

The same can be said about men of course, flirting with many women, telling them all how beautiful, smart, unique they are, just to get into the pants of at least one of the woman they are talking to.

 

That is obviously a rather cynical way to look at things. And I don't think that is the norm either.

[Meaplus3]

People don't need the internet to play other people.

 

That said, meeting online makes it easier to give a false impression of yourself. Sometimes, that happens by accident, sometimes, it's done intentionally.

 

 

 

I agree.

 

It's probably not that different from RL, plenty of people (men and women) multi-date. Meeting online just adds a few more risks/uncertainties but there are always risks, no matter how you meet.

 

True, however I really would tend to believe that meeting up with someone that you've meet online and have not seen in person has much more risk involved and the potential to be very dangerous. For example, if you meet your Gf or bf in your home town you share pretty much the same knowledge of the area in general. The types of people, the population and so forth. And most often then not, you have family and good friends around you to protect you from harm. Now, you meet Mr or Mr's or Miss whomever.. from a far or even just a state away and really what do you know about him or her? You don't even know if you have a real name. You don't know for a fact that you 've seen a real picture (assuming you have exchanged photos) Do you see what I'm getting at?

 

I also am pretty sure that women do it too, chatting with multiple men. If real life dates or even other online prospects don't meet the woman's emotional needs, it can come in handy to have a sappy guy sitting on the other end of a computer screen to take care of those when she needs it. An added bonus is that the online guy doesn't know her friends, so he is "safe". And if she is just toying with men online, nobody she knows in real life will ever know that she played someone.

 

Of course women are capable of doing the same exact thing to a man.. I'm sure there are many that find it rather appealing if their life in not happy in some way.Anway, I guess it's just not my cup of tea. Could stem from the vanishing guy I got inlvoved with I don't know? All I know for a fact is that there are a whole lot of men that are looking to get into a womans pant's it seems as I have encountered a few myself and was pretty much turned off by their lack of intellect and need for sexual attention.

 

Mea:)

[threebyfate]

If you're serious about moving to real life, from the Internet, it's pretty easy to confirm their validity, both pictorially or through background checks. For that matter, I think people should be doing this, regardless of where and how they've met a prospective.

[Payden]

This is my opinion and mine only so don't drill me please. I think it's unethical, unnatural and strange.

 

unethical, because I feel it's going against the the normal/right way of relationship standards.

 

Unnatural, because I see many people coming to meet each other from different places, religion, gene pool and way of life. They mate and who knows what the offspring and generations therein after will develop into...may be ok, but may be not. Time will tell with this "Panoramic mixing of genes" Mixing people now that would of never mated 12 years ago is taking a risk IMO... Maybe human wil get stronger less disease, but maybe become weaker and lots of disease... Who knows.

 

Strange, because if Al-Gore had not proposed to have a "public internet" none of you or any of this would be happening....None of these online relationships would of existed and we all would be still dating in our hometowns and countries..... So in other words, we owe our online S.O and online romances to Al-Gore lol.

 

For me?....no.... it's too scary and I don't want to be a part of it... I don't have the pacients or trust to spill my entire heart into something like this. I do however....admire those who do and it actually works. I just don't have the noodles to do something like this.....no.

Edited January 11, 2010 by Payden

[Stockalone]

True, however I really would tend to believe that meeting up with someone that you've meet online and have not seen in person has much more risk involved and the potential to be very dangerous.

 

I have talked to women about this and they shared your concern, which I can understand but I can't really relate.

 

As a man, I can't say I was worried about my safety in such a situation.

 

 

For example, if you meet your Gf or bf in your home town you share pretty much the same knowledge of the area in general. The types of people, the population and so forth. And most often then not, you have family and good friends around you to protect you from harm. Now, you meet Mr or Mr's or Miss whomever.. from a far or even just a state away and really what do you know about him or her? You don't even know if you have a real name. You don't know for a fact that you 've seen a real picture (assuming you have exchanged photos) Do you see what I'm getting at?

 

I did meet "Miss unknown" online and I also met her in real life once, when I went on a vacation close to where she lives. But you are right, we didn't know any of the things you mentioned. It wasn't a date though, we met as friends (although I had a crush on her).

 

But the situation was basically the same. There was no way of knowing if who we said we are, was true.

 

However, the only thing I was worried about was whether or not she would show up.

 

We had exchanged pictures, I also scanned my passport so she could verify that the name and picture I had given her, matched. And I let her know what hotel I was staying in.

 

We also decided to meet at a public place that is also a highly frequented tourist attraction. If she thought I looked like a weirdo, she could have walked away.

 

Short of letting her talk to my mother, or getting police clearance that I do not have a criminal record, I don't know what else could have been done. I still give her credit for meeting me as I am sure it was a difficult decision to make.

 

And she probably regrets meeting me, because even though we got along well in person, our friendship regrettably didn't end well. That makes me sad, because it was the last thing I wanted. But it also proves your point that those friendships/relationships can be dangerous. Then again, online or real life, it can always be dangerous.

 

There is never a guarantee that things go the way we'd hope/like.

 

 

Of course women are capable of doing the same exact thing to a man.. I'm sure there are many that find it rather appealing if their life in not happy in some way. Anway, I guess it's just not my cup of tea. Could stem from the vanishing guy I got inlvoved with I don't know? All I know for a fact is that there are a whole lot of men that are looking to get into a womans pant's it seems as I have encountered a few myself and was pretty much turned off by their lack of intellect and need for sexual attention.

 

All straight, single men eventually want to get into a woman's pants if they like her and the attraction is mutual.

 

If you meet people on a dating site, the sexual component is to be expected. If you met by chance, things are different. But there is still a good chance the guy wants to get into your pants. He could be looking for a relationship and have good and honest intentions or he might just want to get laid and even lie. That, too, is just like real life.

 

I am sorry that you had bad experiences. I also remember you talking about the guy who vanished. Your pain was palpable. I hope you are doing better now.

 

 

If you're serious about moving to real life, from the Internet, it's pretty easy to confirm their validity, both pictorially or through background checks. For that matter, I think people should be doing this, regardless of where and how they've met a prospective.

 

Would you mind sharing what can be done to confirm people's validity?

[Meaplus3]

 

I did meet "Miss unknown" online and I also met her in real life once, when I went on a vacation close to where she lives. But you are right, we didn't know any of the things you mentioned. It wasn't a date though, we met as friends (although I had a crush on her).

 

But the situation was basically the same. There was no way of knowing if who we said we are, was true.

 

However, the only thing I was worried about was whether or not she would show up.

 

We had exchanged pictures, I also scanned my passport so she could verify that the name and picture I had given her, matched. And I let her know what hotel I was staying in.

 

We also decided to meet at a public place that is also a highly frequented tourist attraction. If she thought I looked like a weirdo, she could have walked away.

 

Short of letting her talk to my mother, or getting police clearance that I do not have a criminal record, I don't know what else could have been done. I still give her credit for meeting me as I am sure it was a difficult decision to make.

 

And she probably regrets meeting me, because even though we got along well in person, our friendship regrettably didn't end well. That makes me sad, because it was the last thing I wanted. But it also proves your point that those friendships/relationships can be dangerous. Then again, online or real life, it can always be dangerous.

 

There is never a guarantee that things go the way we'd hope/like.

 

 

 

 

I remember you mentioning this a bit when posting on one of my vanishing guy threads.. I'm sorry it did not work out.

 

 

 

All straight, single men eventually want to get into a woman's pants if they like her and the attraction is mutual.

 

 

Ok.

 

If you meet people on a dating site, the sexual component is to be expected. If you met by chance, things are different. But there is still a good chance the guy wants to get into your pants. He could be looking for a relationship and have good and honest intentions or he might just want to get laid and even lie. That, too, is just like real life.

 

I am sorry that you had bad experiences. I also remember you talking about the guy who vanished. Your pain was palpable. I hope you are doing better now.

 

Yes.. your right! Now as for the vanishing guy I was involved with.. I'm long over that. It took sometime, but I healed.

 

 

 

Would you mind sharing what can be done to confirm people's validity?

 

 

I'd like to know as well.

 

Mea:)

Edited January 12, 2010 by Meaplus3