onedayatatyme Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I've been physically separated from my wife of 7 years since Christmas day. This was supposed to be no big deal. She was stressed to the max with a busy November and December and needed a little time to herself. No big deal, right? The problem is that a week or so before Christmas (after we had agreed that I would leave with the kids to go to my parents house) she tells me that she is going to be spending this time evaluating her life. She's not sure if she can be the wife I want her to be. She's not sure if I am the type of guy she should have married. She says I've made her feel inadequate over the years to the extreme and she can try no harder. She's emotionally exhausted and has nothing more emotionally to invest in the relationship. So I took the kids on Christmas day and headed to my parents house. While I've been gone with the kids, she's been partying with old high school friends... some of which she hasn't seen in 10 years. We've never gone through something like this. I am taking her at her word (she does have a strong point about me making her feel inadequate... guilty as charged but she also has some insecurity issues). The truth is that I love her to death and am willing to do whatever it takes to fix this. The waiting is killing me. So instead of obsessing any longer, I thought I'd reach out on here for advice and support. Anybody got any thoughts? Of course there are lots more details and issues in a 10 year relationship and I won't go in all of them. Long and short of it is that there has never been any infidelity either way, she is stressed out like crazy, I have no reason to distrust her about anything she's said, I have always supported her financially but we never seem to see eye to eye on money. I'm a saver, she's a spender. I'm worried that she's suffering from depression but she would get really defensive if I bring that up (it would feed the fire of me making her feel inadequate). She says she needs space to think and that if I push her to talk before she's ready, I'll be pushing her farther away. I think she feels trapped in this situation, not just the marriage but kids, school (she's still working on her undergrad)... I think she see's the grass greener on the other side. Reconnecting with high school friends and going out, going to school with younger kids who have no real responsibility. She's wondering what her life would have been like if she hadn't been so eager to get married at 21 and have our first kid at 23. The waiting is killing me. Like most guys, I just want to get in there and face this thing head on and fix it. But she's made it clear that the timetable on this is going to be her way or the highway. I'm going to see her again tomorrow night and I'm trying desperately to get my head in the right place for our first night back together. I don't want to sound controlling by asking her too many questions about this last week. I don't want to push her to tell me what she's thinking. I don't want to look pathetic by gushing over how much I love her and want to fix this (not because I pride, I have no problem looking pathetic if I thought it would help. I just think it will make the situation more miserable). Basically I know I need to go back home as the loving and understanding husband she needs. But my head isn't in the right place for that. I'm confused, angry, hurt, scared, and depressed about this situation and all of these emotions are a rollercoaster. I know this was pretty rambling but anybody got any pointers?
hopesndreams Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 The biggest pointer is to move back into your home with the kids. She wants out of the M, wants a chance to think and party with her friends, she is the one that leaves.
RedDevil66 Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Your story is very typical when people get married too young. No one knows who they are in their early 20's and life changes so much when you hit your 30's and 40's. She needs to discover who she is without someone who defeats her and needs not be a caretaker right now. All I can say is let her be in her space. Let her discover who she is. She may discover she wants to be alone but it's highly unlikely. Support her new venture in discovering herself and let her know you'll be there. This is ALL about her and not about you at all. Let her spread her wings a little.
Author onedayatatyme Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 RedDevil, My head tells me you are right. It's a tough pill to swallow but I do realize that if I try to control any of this, she'll be gone. Patience is not something I am good at. Especially when it will fall on my shoulders to keep the house together, become the major caretaker of the kids, keep my job (I'm the only breadwinner), she'll still want financial support in school and to top all of that off she wants to keep this completely a secret from her family right now. They live very close and are socially very conservative, like Leave it to Beaver conservative. She is worried that her family will judge her harshly if they even know she is considering her options. So I am being asked to be an accomplice in a lie that will become more and more complex. So while she's figuring out our future, I have to keep the smile on my face in front of the in-laws. My nature is much more of having a sit down with them and telling them that we are having some troubles and we could really use their support. Maybe having them babysit the kids so we can go out together, etc. She wants none of that. So I am actually feeling a little guilty for deceiving her family. But again, I feel like anything I do at this point against her wishes will push her away. I'm really walking on egg shells.
hopesndreams Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 What about the kids? She has no time for them either?
RedDevil66 Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Since she is chosing what she wants, you're entitled to chose what you want and if you need/want to tell the family, you should be able to. She can only control her future, not yours. You don't have to sit idle like a wallflower while she finds herself, but only respect her choice as she will need to respect yours. Maybe this is the life test you need to learn patience. I always say when you ask the universe/god/higher power of whatever you believe in for something, you get it. If one asks for strength, a bad situation will arise that will teach you strength. If you're impatient (as I am as well), you'll be faced with a situation that will teach you patience. Look at your situation as a learning tool and go with the flow. I know it's hard, but take it day by day only
worlybear Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Don't walk on eggshells. It will put you and your kids under intense pressure to pretend that things are ok when they're clearly not. Speak calmly and quietly to her and explain that you can't (and won't) pretend that things are ok to everyone. You both need to talk and see if your relationship has a future- your wife sounds stressed - but you need to make sure that you and your kids are at home in your house- if your wife wants out ,then she needs to make her own living arrangements - don't you guys accomodate her- it will just backfire on you. Talk to your in-laws together if possible. Good luck.
Author onedayatatyme Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 Driving around and clearing my head. I'm thinking that all of this could come down to how cool I can stay undr the pressure. When I'm not feeling insecure, I do think this will work out as long as I make good on my promises to make the changes I need to make. I need to be patient and take the longer view of success and how to be happy with her. This will mean being completely unselfish and selfless for the foreseeable future. I'm going to see a therapist this week. I can't wait for that. I need some professional help dealing with these intense emotions.
sotagoon Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Oneday....If/when you read my post...please take it at face value as I know not about your specific situation. I am only writing this in an attempt to give you an eye inside of my own situation which started at a very similar point. (We don't have kids..might be a big difference) We met 8 years ago and had the most amazing relationship for the first 4 years. Like 2 peas in a pod!. At 4 years or so, she decided that she needed space....I did the typical MAN things...beg, plead, want to fix..yada yada 2 months later she came back basically with no explanation...probably my fault for not getting the details...SHe did the partying thing though..just like yours. All good for about 1 year and then she needed space again...this time she was starting nursing school...stress..yeah So for the next 10 months she strung me along just enough that when she wanted to come back.....guess what...I was there. This time.....she told me about 2 guys she had been with...and guess what...I forgave her...why...because I love her!...everyone deals with stress...etc different. So for 2 years all good again.....and then she is diagnosed with cancer. Guess who's there through chemo, surgery, radiation.....ME She gets to the last day of radiation and came home to tell me that she would be leaving the next day. Now...9 weeks later...she is on a trip we planned together, with her friends, and it seems as though this will not change. I love this woman with all of my heart...I have always been the bread-winner...she has never paid anything except her own car payment. I made her life as easy as possible while she is/was going through nursing school. Did this make her feel insignificant?......HOW.....I did this all for a person that I saw in my future til the day I die. I put alot of things in my life on hold.....for US....and now Im here without the love of my life...while she is out doing whatever she is doing??????? I still have not been able to get to a point of acceptance..in fact I spent the last 3 days packing all of her belongings and asked her to plan on picking them up. I'm frightened and scared, and anxious.....I feel like I'm losing my identity and everything I live my life for. I guess all I'm trying to say, is please take a stake in yourself...and most importantly in your children and what is best for YOU and them...not her. In my own experience.....I got back what I wanted 2 times and must not have worked out what needed attention...because I am now without her again. All I can say...is that I KNOW I did the work each time, changed me, and showed more appreciation..etc. SOmetimes...I think there are people that no matter how much you appreciate them...they aren't in a place to accept it, and when it's a one-sided battle...trust me....you end up like me. Sorry for the ramble, but I hope this helps you...even if just a little bit.
RedDevil66 Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 wow, sotagoon, your wife is, well, a mess! She sounds like my friend who sh*ts all over her man who was there for her when she was dying with cancer. I'm so sorry you are in this pain. I'll never EVER get women like this. I have NO DOUBT you will find a person who will cherish your good heart. I know I would!
2.50 a gallon Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 I suspect that this is not going to fix it self by you being a thoughtful nice guy. Counseling for both of you And I would give thought to seeing a lawyer, to find out what's what. This will be hard as from what you describe it might be the last nail in the coffin. Get back in the house and stay there. If you move out it might be difficult to get back in. And in the future you could find yourself supporting her and her friends in your house while you pay all of the bills, and have to fight for visitation rights with the kids. The kids come first. If she wants space let her have it by her moving out, and the game with her parents has gone on too long.
Darth Vader Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 Why wait? Kick her ass out! Protect your house, go for full custody of the children, file for abandonment, get separate bank accounts, cancel credit cards, document everything, don't move out, she goes. Get a really good lawyer. Tell her it's the highway, only that she's hitting it, not you! Do it, don't wait, DROP HER ASS!
Author onedayatatyme Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 Update: Here it is the morning of the 5th and she still hasn't returned. I returned home on Sunday with the kids. We had lunch together as I was passing through the town she is staying in. She promised she would come home on Monday. Last night she got to inebriated to drive the three hours home so I told her to stay put. Said she was coming home this morning. Talked to her three hours ago and she said she was getting ready to leave and would call when she hits the road. So far nothing. The kids are asking "where's Mommy". I have no idea what to tell them because I have no idea what's going on. This is soooo weird because she usually is such a good mother. I guess she is just so repulsed with the idea of coming back home that she can think of nothing but making excuses to stay away. Yesterday I had to leave work early (our only income remember) to pick up our daughters from school. If she's not back in town in time to pick them up today, there is going to be a family meeting with her father, sister and my brother-in-law. They'll get the full scoop. I'll have to call my mom, who is packing her bag as we speak, to come over here and help me with the kids while I figure out what's what.
reboot Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 You won't want to hear this, but there's probably another man involved.
Author onedayatatyme Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 Just looked at "abandonment". I can't file for that in my state unless she's been gone a year. Good news for me, she doesn't meet any of the requirements for permanent support from me. And even if she did, it can't exceed 20% of my income. I will fight for custody of the kids, so she may not get a penny from me.
Author onedayatatyme Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 Reboot, I've thought of that. Of course my imagination is running wild. I have been snooping through her email, bank records, checking her VM, logging into facebook. I have found nothing. In fact, absolutely everything that I have found is 100% consistent with what she's told me. I have no reason to think she's lying except what I come up with in my imagination. I found out that she takes her ring off when she's not with me sometimes but that's nothing I can take to court. She has never been protective of her cell phone either. All the typical behavior you read about shen googling "catching a cheating spouse". She isn't always checking her phone, isn't hiding it, isn't keeping it on silent. I just don't think thats it. Of course that hasn't stopped my imagination from going absolutely crazy and thinking the worst. And I am considering hiring a PI to find out.
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