JackOfClubs Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Searched the site but didn't find anything similarly phrased. I'm sure some would advise that the situation is too much trouble but I'd prefer to hear from those who have successfully overcome the challenge. Anyway, she and I are very much in love. And it's been a couple of years now that we've been seeing each other. However, her ex-boyfriend is still holding out for her return. He even has a Myspace page with both their names and a status of Married (they've never been, not even common-law). The break-up was not mutual. He was emotionally and physically abusive to her. Additionally, he's threatened suicide (he had originally threatened me until seeing that I was much bigger physically) if she really tries to express that they're no longer a couple. What makes the situation even more complicated is that they have two beautiful children. So she can't exactly completely cut him off or move away. He has the right to see them. Some say that it takes half as many years as the relationship was long for the parties involved to recover. And I'm patient and willing for the situation to resolve. But *will* he eventually give up? Right now it doesn't seem that way. :-( Fire away (please be gentle)...
boogieboy Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 He probably wont for a couple more years, not while he uses the kids to see her. He probably wont until he runs into someone that takes his mind off her.
paddington bear Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Abuse is really the desire to control another person. I would hazard a guess that now that he no longer can control her, he is freaking out and sees his desire to have someone under his control as being 'still in love with her'. He could and possibly will use the children as a way to continue to control her. Having his status as married...is freaky, and shows that he's living in some la-la land having not accepted that she is now his ex. Be wary of being 'patient' as you see it, you can't fritter your time away waiting for this crazy man to cop on to himself and realise that he's lost the mother of his children through his own actions. If he won't admit that it's over, it might take a very, very long time for his attitude to change. If this woman was emotionally and physically abused, the after effects of that could come into play in your relationship with her. Any chance she would go to therapy? - often people who have been abused in one way or another find themselves in similar situations because it seems familiar, even if bad - and that might be a hold that he has on her, if he's emotionally abusive, and guilt-tripping her through threats of suicide, she might find that very hard to resist because that's the behaviour she is used to and it has obviously worked in the past. At the end of the day it is not him you need to worry about, but the woman you are with and how influenced she is by him, and how much she considers herself over him and ready to move on with a new relationship. This is a highly complex situation and you don't want to be the rebound guy while she works out her baggage from this previous relationship. As an added point - should this abuser actually have access to his children at all?
hopesndreams Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Do they still have conversations that have nothing to do with the children?
SummerLady Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Searched the site but didn't find anything similarly phrased. I'm sure some would advise that the situation is too much trouble but I'd prefer to hear from those who have successfully overcome the challenge. Anyway, she and I are very much in love. And it's been a couple of years now that we've been seeing each other. However, her ex-boyfriend is still holding out for her return. He even has a Myspace page with both their names and a status of Married (they've never been, not even common-law). The break-up was not mutual. He was emotionally and physically abusive to her. Additionally, he's threatened suicide (he had originally threatened me until seeing that I was much bigger physically) if she really tries to express that they're no longer a couple. What makes the situation even more complicated is that they have two beautiful children. So she can't exactly completely cut him off or move away. He has the right to see them. Some say that it takes half as many years as the relationship was long for the parties involved to recover. And I'm patient and willing for the situation to resolve. But *will* he eventually give up? Right now it doesn't seem that way. :-( Fire away (please be gentle)... No worries in my opinion. My ex would take me back tomorrow and my boyfriend knows that and also knows that I love him and would never ever go back. We can't control others and what they feel. I know its annoying believe me but your relationship is with her, don't give him any mind or power. Ignore it. Live your life, be happy........
DustySaltus Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I think this is a really tough situation. There was obviously a point in the beginning of the relationship where you got to know her situation and accepted it for what it was. Sounds like her ex did some messed up things and he may or may not have realized what he lost. This always happens when it's too late to make things right. He's still in denial. As boogie said, the feelings will probably linger until he meets some that gives him a shot at redemption. What is her reaction to these pages where he has them listed as "married"? Has she asked him to remove them? We're they married at one point? There's always going to be a connection between them but it needs to be the appropriate one. It doesn't seem like time is doing its job, so it's just a matter of him meeting someone else.
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