curiousnycgirl Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I had posted a thread a while ago (trust me not worth reading) where I was sort of all over the place, and really not terrible expansive. Guess I was just ranting. Anyway a number of people really jumped all over me - and I realize that while they were harsh, based on what I posted I deserved it. One of the people who jumped all over me and trashed me actually PM'd me apologizing, saying they hadn't realized how recent my break up was and that of course I deserved to be upset, selfish, whatever. So my question is how long after a break up is being upset, crying, etc no longer acceptable? When are we expected to buck up and move on? At what point do people say enough is enough? Thanks
jerbear Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 It really depends on the length and intensity of the relationship. Divorce obviously will take longer while a 1 month relationship will be shorter.
DenverBachelor Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 So my question is how long after a break up is being upset, crying, etc no longer acceptable? When are we expected to buck up and move on? At what point do people say enough is enough? Thanks I don't think you can put a time limit on grieving since there are so many variables (i.e. length of time dating, amount of investment, love, kids, etc.) I know for me, it took around two months to get through the worst of it. Coming up on three months and I am doing great. I'm glad I'm not in that relationship any more because she wasn't who I thought she was. Good luck!!
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 It really depends on the length and intensity of the relationship. Divorce obviously will take longer while a 1 month relationship will be shorter. We were not married, never even lived together - but it was a 5.5 year long relationship. I know for me, it took around two months to get through the worst of it. Coming up on three months and I am doing great. I'm glad I'm not in that relationship any more because she wasn't who I thought she was. Good luck!! Holy cow I wanna be you! I'm on 32 days NC - was doing ok last week - I'd get weepy but was able to snap myself right out of it. Then NYE I just started losing it again - kept cryng to the point of being a puddle on the floor. I cannot imagine in another 2 months looking back and being glad it's over. But oh I can hope!
DenverBachelor Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Holy cow I wanna be you! I'm on 32 days NC - was doing ok last week - I'd get weepy but was able to snap myself right out of it. Then NYE I just started losing it again - kept cryng to the point of being a puddle on the floor.! I have my moments, but they mainly center around the dog we used to own together. She gave the dog away after I agreed to let her keep our puppy. She didn't even bother to let me know or ask if I'd like to see her one last time. Just a really selfish person. But anyway, I miss the dog a lot sometimes. That's what chokes me up the worst.
jerbear Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 We were not married, never even lived together - but it was a 5.5 year long relationship. Over 5 years is a long time, I don't specifically have a time frame to get over someone and sometimes it can be a lifetime. Everyone has their own pace and quite frankly I think for you, it may take awhile and may require another person patient enough to help you get over your hurdles. Getting a pet might help, which I believe you are working on it. It helps divert your attentions away.
GrayClouds Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 It takes as long as it takes as but only if someone is putting the more time towards healing as they are towards grieving. It is like a boxing match. You can not give up to it otherwise it will beat you down and do permanent damage. You can not ignore it otherwise it will keep sneaking up from behind and rabbit punching the back of your head. It is a foe that must be faced, respected, but fought. It may want to push you in the corner but you have to say nope I am going to move back to the center of the ring. It will come back with some hard punches but that is then show it your fancy foot work and start dancing. And in between rounds you will feel the pain and hurt, notice that gash above the eye is still dripping blood but you only give yourself that time until the bell rings to get back in the ring. For some it may be a three rounder for others it may go the whole 12. But like any good sparing partner, if your open it, it will help you improve your weaknesses and illuminate your strengths. As the great Mohammad Ali whould prove, it is not so much about beating your opponent, it is proving to them they can not beat you. Do this with and you win. (maybe not the analogy for a sophisticated lady such as yourself but I suspect being a New York chick, you can hold your own when need to ) .
cdt76 Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I had posted a thread a while ago (trust me not worth reading) where I was sort of all over the place, and really not terrible expansive. Guess I was just ranting. Anyway a number of people really jumped all over me - and I realize that while they were harsh, based on what I posted I deserved it. One of the people who jumped all over me and trashed me actually PM'd me apologizing, saying they hadn't realized how recent my break up was and that of course I deserved to be upset, selfish, whatever. So my question is how long after a break up is being upset, crying, etc no longer acceptable? When are we expected to buck up and move on? At what point do people say enough is enough? Thanks I'd love to say I know the answer but I don't. For example...I've been fine for a few weeks and then this morning I dreamed about her and now I'm all jacked up.. I'm not crying or sobbing but I hurt inside like it was the week of the break up 6 months ago! How long it lasts is shorter then in the past but it's still there, pulling at me
sedgwick Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I am still deeply in love with a man who dumped me 2.5 years ago and haven't dated since. It hurts almost as much as it did the day he left. We were together for just under a year. I think my friends realize that he is part of me and always will be; they know I'm not the same person I was before him. The good ones are accepting, though they all want to kill him!!
HeavenOrHell Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I'm not sure, it's different for everyone, I'm still suffering 5 months after he left me, (after 18 years) I know some think maybe I wouldn't be feeling so bad if I'd gone NC sooner but I think I would. The grief isn't with me as much as it was, but I still miss him badly, and I have horrible relapses. It's going to take a long time, in some ways it will change me forever. I feel that friends were there for me the first 6 weeks and I was relieved and thought it would easier to cope, but after that most of the support fell away and I realised I basically had to get through it alone and that terrified me. I'm scared I will always love him and won't be able to fall in love with anyone else myself, in the meantime he will meet someone else and I can't express how much I dread this. I get the feeling some of my friends think it's a bit sad that I'm still feeling crap, this makes me feel it's not 'normal' to feel like this.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 Thanks everyone - I guess I was just trying to understand when an LS'er goes from being sympathetic because you broke up to smacking you upside the head and telling you to put your big girl panties on. I guess I ask specifically because this one individual here (who I respect btw) was all over my sh*t and then apologized having not realized how recent it all was. I guess being whiney didn't help my position with that person. Sedgwick - my heart goes out to you. I know I'll be somewhat the same as you - I don' tthink my wound will still be open and oozing anymore, but my history tells me I won't e able to open up and trust again any time soon (my track record is 10 years between sigfinicant relationshps).
GrayClouds Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Thanks everyone - I guess I was just trying to understand when an LS'er goes from being sympathetic because you broke up to smacking you upside the head and telling you to put your big girl panties on. Usually you will get both pretty quick and both is usually needed. One to acknowledge our loss anther to remind us he are in charge of healing. Now do I really have to put on "big girl panties" I really do not think they will help in my case, actually it may lead to even bigger issues.
Author curiousnycgirl Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 Now do I really have to put on "big girl panties" I really do not think they will help in my case, actually it may lead to even bigger issues. Very cute, I meant everyone telling ME to put my big girl panties on - I'm trying darn suckers keep slipping though.
sedgwick Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 (edited) Sedgwick - my heart goes out to you. I know I'll be somewhat the same as you - I don' tthink my wound will still be open and oozing anymore, but my history tells me I won't e able to open up and trust again any time soon (my track record is 10 years between sigfinicant relationshps). Yeah, I can see myself still being single 10 years from now, for sure! I spent the first year and a half after he left (suddenly, one morning, never to be seen again) in intensive trauma therapy but finally realized it just wasn't helping and I didn't want to pay for it anymore. He tried calling once, around the same time I quit therapy, and I simply reiterated that I loved him always but couldn't be his friend, and I hung up. All that NC and therapy and it still really, really hurts. I can honestly say there hasn't been a moment since he left that I haven't thought of him, and I still dream about him most nights. I think what happened is that I finally found "the one," but I wasn't good enough for him. It sucks, but at least I get to be in love, yeah? I mean, some people never experience love, and I've found the one I'll love for the rest of my life. It's just that I can never see him, hear him, or touch him again. It doesn't matter, though -- I still say good morning to him when I open my eyes, and good night when I close them again. I tell him I love him every day (I don't actually speak TO him, I just say it into the air. I don't bother him with having to talk to me in real life!) And I hope that somehow the universe carries that to him, that there's someone out here who loves him unconditionally, and that if he ever needs to feel comfort, he can feel it. I know that's pretty foofy and hippy-dippy, but it's all I can give, so I give it. Edited January 2, 2010 by sedgwick
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