My girl friend says she'll be jealous

[Torredor]

I’m in a bit of a pickle; one of my girl friends is causing me mental strain because of something peculiar that she said and I haven’t had a lot of girl friends so I’m a little stuck on what to do or not to do and would love a female’s perspective on this but any advice would be appreciated. A bit of background info first to give you an idea:

 

(Sorry about the length, I thought to get a response I have to give a good description)

 

She is 26 has a 15 month old baby boy and I’m a little younger at 23. She’s the language teacher at a local school, lives in the girls’ hostel and I’m a teacher in training and still living at home until I get me degree. We’ve known each other for just short of eight months now and I’m really comfortable around her and the baby and I think she is with me. In these eight months she’s had three what can be considered boyfriends and it was while she dated the first that through a total misunderstanding she told me we’ll never be more than friends, I’m not going to go into to much detail on that episode unless you ask, apart from that it was a misunderstanding. My whole debacle started about two months ago when she just broke up with her third and to this point most serious boyfriend.

 

Here goes! Three months ago as I was busy studying for and writing exams we hadn’t seen or texted each other for two weeks but out of the blue she does, asking why she hasn’t heard from me and when can she see me again. After writing that day’s exam and during one of her off periods I quickly dropped in, we couldn’t have a decent conversation so we arranged for me to visit her that evening. I get there and she says we quickly have to go do some shopping. On way to my car she asks when can she drive my car, now normally I drive and she holds the baby because my car doesn’t have a baby-seat in as hers does. At the shop still holding the baby a friend of mine I haven’t seen for years jokingly says I move quickly, I quickly correct him saying that the little one isn’t mine but my friend’s. What I found as odd is that my friend afterwards normally goes off on a tangent about what new stories could be thought up about us and this time she didn’t mention it again. Back at the hostel she tells me she left her boyfriend and if I would like to go visit her brothers with her the weekend. Everything is going well until to many people show up and there’s not enough sleeping space. She suggests that we’ll share room not that sharing a room is strange; it was two single beds in anyway, but I thought it out of place coming from her. There were other women with which she could share a room. Driving back home she invites me to visit her the next weekend.

 

At her home on when one of our many walks, we both love to just go for walks and as she lives on a farm it’s ideal, she starts asking me how many kids I want one day and what my girlfriend preferences are but in enough detail to write a medical book; how tall, weight, hair colour, how long her nails should be, shoes size you get the idea. She says it not weird talking about such things because we’re friends. That night heading to our bedrooms she walks into mine, sits down on the edge of the bed and starts telling me about a problem she has to face the following weekend and how asking my input brings calmness over her.

 

Now we’re a little more than a month from the present. She texts me asking if I could come help her with things at school, as my exams have ended I go. We get started and she is summoned to a meeting but on her return she enters the room and almost says “Hallo my love” you could just hear “lo” before she herself said she had to correct herself to say “Hallo my friend” and just like that comes and gives me a hug. Now, nothing wrong with hugs, it’s only now and then that we say good bye with a hug never before spontaneously like this.

 

During the last week of school we arranged for her and the little one to come stay with us at my home as she would have been alone at the hostel; it would only be two nights. During the first night she suddenly asked whether she can ask me something personal, I cautiously said okay and what proceeded made me burst out laughing because the personal question was whether we’re going to make desert the following evening. That evening my mom said there’s a some lunch left over and would I like to have it as my friend said she’s isn’t hungry. As I got up to get it my friend jumps up saying she’ll get it for me. Finding this strange I just accompanied her to the kitchen but the evening went by and when I went to say good night I thought I’ll jokingly tuck her in but tucking her in, in an Egyptian mummy shape. Anyway as I left the room she unfolded herself and jumped up saying she needs to give me a hug. Having a rough estimate of how long our hugs usually last I pulled away after what felt right but she pulled me back making it a double hug. The following evening we did indeed make the desert together and it is was what happened in her room again that struck me as odd, I jokingly said I’d tuck her in again, but I did so more delicately this time during which she asked me whether I’d mind send her a card for Christmas instead of a text or email. After that as I was about to leave the room she asked me not to go yet but rather tell her a bedtime story, I ended up telling two completely original stories.

 

The weekend came that she needed calming about and the Monday she again came to my house but she didn’t want to talk about what happened so we didn’t. She had a school function to attend that evening so she brought her shampoo and conditioner with her and after she said she’s leaving it at my house for the next time. Now this was the first time in eight months that she has washed her hair here and suddenly she is expecting to do it again.

 

As the afternoon went by I told her that things had come to be that I was leaving on holiday the next day and as we drove back to the hostel she said, that as we are both going to be working next year we have to make a pact to see each other at least once every week or fortnight and that when our respective schools have functions we’ll be each other’s dates. Then she said a thing that struck me the most, which was that she’d be jealous if I find a girlfriend. We got to the hostel and as we said good bye I got ready for a hug which is normal when we say good bye before a holiday but instead she kissed me, nothing flamboyant just a solid kiss on the month and then a hug, but we’ve never kissed before.

 

At the beginning of our holidays I said to myself I’m not going to contact her in any way to figure out what is meant by her jealously statement but she contacts me first every time, even if it is only through texts, averaging four a week. Then four minutes into the new year guess who calls me. Not a long call, just over a minute and a half she said she had other people she also had to call. Our call was the stereotypical new year’s phone call during which she said she loves me bitterly; which I guess can be said to any friend, and that she really hopes we get time to see each other this year but she knows we’ll still live in the same town.

 

That’s the last two months in a very large nutshell. Now for some questions. As I said what interested me was that she’ll be jealous if I get a girlfriend. Aren’t friends supposed to be happy if the other one finds someone special, instead of being jealous? Now I guess this could only be talk for the sake of talking but what if it isn’t? Does she suddenly want more than friendship but wants me to make the first move as she might feel her actions a obvious enough or does she feel bound by her earlier statement of us never being more than friends. Do her actions now contradict it? I've always been myself around her and its gotten me to this point, I really like her and the little one and I’m a little nervous about what to do next, if anything is to be done. If I make unwarranted advances she might rebuff and I’d loose a real good friend. Please give me your perspective on this situation.

Edited January 2, 2010 by Torredor

[Malenfant]

she said initially that you two would never be a couple.

 

From the misunderstanding that occured between you, its possible she felt foolish because she thought you liked her, immediate response is 'I dont like you like that' to save a bit of dignity.

thats a common reaction to this type of situation.

 

She likes you, and would be jealous if you had a GF because she wants you for her own.

Regardless of whether or not you two could ever be a couple, she's emotionally attached to you.

 

sometimes people tell you things like this, not because they want to be with you, but because they dont want you to be with anyone else. It can be a bit of a power thing, like 'if I cant have you no-one can'

 

Regardless, your friendship has moved out of the friendzone because of her feelings for you. If you dont fancy her and want a relationship, then i would say backing off is the best thing to do.

I think she thinks that you like her, and are giving her signals.

Men are famously bad at seeing these types of situations when they are genuinely just being friends and then wonder why women go all crazy.

 

its not your fault, but its up to you how you handle it.

 

I would say one thing though, your friend being a relatively new mum and having so many boyfriends in a short period of time doesn't sound like a very mature person. It is very likely that she's looking for a dad for her baby first, and a partner second.

She probably sees you as a kind, friendly, responsible person. Ideal dad material some would say.

[Torredor]

Regardless, your friendship has moved out of the friendzone because of her feelings for you. If you dont fancy her and want a relationship, then i would say backing off is the best thing to do.

I think she thinks that you like her, and are giving her signals.

Men are famously bad at seeing these types of situations when they are genuinely just being friends and then wonder why women go all crazy.

 

I would say one thing though, your friend being a relatively new mum and having so many boyfriends in a short period of time doesn't sound like a very mature person. It is very likely that she's looking for a dad for her baby first, and a partner second.

She probably sees you as a kind, friendly, responsible person. Ideal dad material some would say.

 

Speaking on behalf of myself I tried my utmost not to see her actions a anything other than friendly because I felt we built a very good friendship on the premise that we're just friends and because the baby's dad is my age I felt she developed a mistrust of younger men because of the way she spoke about younger men in general.

 

It did concern me why she had so many boyfriends in such a short space of time and I, ignoring that she might have really liked them, blamed it on the following:

• That the baby's dad left a few weeks after his birth, now she might be trying to replace him and find the baby a dad, you mentioned this as well
  
• I'm not sure about the second boyfriend but the other two had a little bit of money and knew how to throw it around. She grew up in a wealthy family so she might be use to money.
  

[Malenfant]

whether or not you thought 100% it was just a friendship, she has more than a friendship interest in you.

 

The fact that the baby's dad is your age is neither here or there. Also, anything she said before you noticed this interest is irrelevant. People change their minds all the time.

 

Fair enough if she wants you for her partner, but if she doesnt, she's being unfair on you by saying she wouldnt be happy if you got together with someone.

 

My point was really saying that her priorities are now (hopefully) with her general wellbeing and the wellbeing of her child, as opposed to the kind of priorities a person has when they are single when looking for a partner, ie. sexiness, excitement etc.

 

As a friend, you could offer her those things which she feels are most important ATM, like supportiveness, reliability, trust etc.

 

The bottom line is... do you like her in that way?

[parky-our-zeppelin]

She's an attention whore, tell her to **** off and get another man-toy.

[Torredor]

The bottom line is... do you like her in that way?

 

As I haven't had a lot of girl friends I gave this question a lot of thought a long time ago. I came up with the following:

• It started; do I like her, am use to her or love her? As I'm still friends with her after eight months I'm more than use to her.
  
• Is this the way I'll feel to all female friends? I decided no because I do have other female friends my age and I don't feel anything similar toward them. A few people I know thought I'd start something with one of them but I just didn't click with her.
  
• Maybe this is the way I feel toward single parents? I came to the conclusion that isn't it either.
  

I still have to decide between the next two:

• Is this how I feel toward, single mothers in particular? Maybe sub-consciously I feel because a man did this to her, left her and the baby to fend for themselves, I have to restore her faith in men. I'm not disregarding the fact that he didn't get her pregnant by himself.
  
• Then lastly, I really do like her a lot ... I know that much. I could spend the whole day with them but this could also be because of the above mentioned statement. I won't say I love her yet, as I don't like using the word love in vain. What draws me to this last one is that if I didn't see a future, beyond friendship, with her I wouldn't have spent so much time trying to figure this out .. I think.
  

[Malenfant]

As I haven't had a lot of girl friends I gave this question a lot of thought a long time ago. I came up with the following:

• It started; do I like her, am use to her or love her? As I'm still friends with her after eight months I'm more than use to her.
  
• Is this the way I'll feel to all female friends? I decided no because I do have other female friends my age and I don't feel anything similar toward them. A few people I know thought I'd start something with one of them but I just didn't click with her.
  
• Maybe this is the way I feel toward single parents? I came to the conclusion that isn't it either.
  

I still have to decide between the next two:

• Is this how I feel toward, single mothers in particular? Maybe sub-consciously I feel because a man did this to her, left her and the baby to fend for themselves, I have to restore her faith in men. I'm not disregarding the fact that he didn't get her pregnant by himself.
  
• Then lastly, I really do like her a lot ... I know that much. I could spend the whole day with them but this could also be because of the above mentioned statement. I won't say I love her yet, as I don't like using the word love in vain. What draws me to this last one is that if I didn't see a future, beyond friendship, with her I wouldn't have spent so much time trying to figure this out .. I think.
  

 

this isnt the way to go about things.

What I meant was, do you fancy her? do you want her?

 

you're way too young to be considering a relationship based on companionship alone.

 

if you get involved with this girl based on friendship, you'll be in an unhappy relationship for a long time because guilt will stop you from leaving when you realise what you have isnt enough.

 

just because someone likes you doesnt mean you even have to consider a relationship if you dont feel the attraction.

 

As this girl likes you, simply by giving her lots of your time like it or not, you are giving her false signals. She is seeing a prospect in you.

 

its kinder to her if you back off and allow yourself to be open to new people.

you should be having relationships that are fun and exciting before you think about settling down with someone and a kid that isnt yours.

[Torredor]

What I meant was, do you fancy her? do you want her?

 

As this girl likes you, simply by giving her lots of your time like it or not, you are giving her false signals. She is seeing a prospect in you.

 

Do I fancy/want her? I always felt that's the one question I had to avoid and feeling I should suppress because I had to make sure of what she wanted, first. For a long time I thought I knew what she wanted but she lost me somewhere along the way starting about two months ago.

 

When for example we'd spend a lot of time together regardless of what we did I'd sometimes think "why did you say we'd only be friends" and then try my damnedest to forget such thoughts because for one; I thought if I want to loose one of my best friends, all I'd have to do is make unwarranted advances and of the way she always negatively reacted when other people misinterpreted our spending time together as us being a couple. She doesn't, or didn't I don't know anymore after the shopping incident mentioned in my original post, like these untrue couple stories and believe me there's a lot floating around, I'd always comfort her by saying it's just the people telling them don't have anything else to talk about. But to sort of answer your question I think, yes I do but, being the analitical person that I am, I don't want to get my hopes up if I not relatively sure of her intentions and that's why I'm asking advice. Saying that I also have to say I don't know what I expect out of the relationship if it moves beyond friendship.

 

I may be as dense as a rock for asking this; but how is giving her time sending false signals? We were both single on a number of occations before two months ago and in between her boyfriends. I may be more dense for saying this but she very easily built the "We'd only be friends wall" verbally, she could just as easily have brought it down.

Edited January 2, 2010 by Torredor

[Malenfant]

 

I may be as dense as a rock for asking this; but how is giving her time sending false signals? We were both single on a number of occations before two months ago and in between her boyfriends. I may be more dense for saying this but she very easily built the "We'd only be friends wall" verbally, she could just as easily have brought it down.

 

i dont mean that you are actually giving signals intentionally, more like when a person likes you, by giving them time and attention gives them a false hope as it were.

 

You said yourself that you wondered why she wanted to spend so much time with you if she was not interested in you romantically. just flip it over and you have your answer.

 

it sounds like you two have been at cross purposes.

she doesnt think you like her in that way, and you're too afraid of rejection to approach her, even though her attitude towards you seems to have changed recently.

 

I would say that you both like each other. Think of this; if neither of you make a move, but both of you dont like seeing each other with a new partner, how is this situation ever going to resolve itself? you're just going to tip toe around the issue and waste lots of time.

 

Talk to her. if its difficult for you, show her this thread. anything to get you both out of this rut you're in. you need to communicate with her.

 

dont worry about future expectations, you're analising too much. just work on the here and now. nothing in the future can be promised anyway.

[dazzle22]

Well, if there is one lesson that life has hit me over the head with many times, it is believe what people DO, not what they SAY. So what do we know about her based on objective facts of what she has done?

 

We know:

 

-she makes BAD, HASTY choices in the men she chooses for romantic partners and is pretty fickle..they don't last long

 

-she uses you as her FALLBACK guy, BETWEEN other men.

 

-she likes to send you "mixed messages" to keep you off balance.

 

-she likes men with MONEY. Those are the ones she most recently has given her favors to.

 

What do we know about you?...

 

-you tend to put your desires and wishes SECOND to what she wants. You said you were waiting to get an idea if she liked you, before you decide whether you like her, and YOU WANT TO RESTORE HER FAITH IN MEN. Why? My concern is that something about her is pulling you into the role of good guy "rescuer" here. Did you grow up in a family where this is the role you were forced into? She already has taken advantage of you in numerous ways, you just can't see it.

 

Now do NOT take this the wrong way. But you kind of remind me of Forrest Gump..NOT in the intelligence department, but in the way that you are extremely loyal and sacrificing and caring to a girl who in reality did not deserve that high a degree of loyalty and love and devotion. She was always going off with some loser or another. And then she would fall back on Forrest to pick up the pieces of her disastrous life and choices... Does any of this strike a cord? (hopefully you are not upset..I truly am not casting an aspersion on your intelligence here )

[Torredor]

You said yourself that you wondered why she wanted to spend so much time with you if she was not interested in you romantically. just flip it over and you have your answer.

 

Talk to her. if its difficult for you, show her this thread. anything to get you both out of this rut you're in. you need to communicate with her.

 

Sorry now but where did I say she wanted to spend time with me? I can't find it now. We do occasionally spend a lot of time together but I saw it as she is relatively new to our town and I'm the only friend close to her age and you've lost me; flip what over?

 

Look I'm getting myself ready for the next time I see her and there's time to talk to her about this because I feel I owe her that much. In the past she's told people I'm a real good friend because she knows exactly where she stands with me as I've always been straight with her. All I need is evidence that if she rebuffs I can call her on her actions that not only me interpreted as interest. Just out of curiosity is there perhaps another way to tell besides talking and showing her these posts?

[Malenfant]

Sorry now but where did I say she wanted to spend time with me? I can't find it now. We do occasionally spend a lot of time together but I saw it as she is relatively new to our town and I'm the only friend close to her age and you've lost me; flip what over?

 

Look I'm getting myself ready for the next time I see her and there's time to talk to her about this because I feel I owe her that much. In the past she's told people I'm a real good friend because she knows exactly where she stands with me as I've always been straight with her. All I need is evidence that if she rebuffs I can call her on her actions that not only me interpreted as interest. Just out of curiosity is there perhaps another way to tell besides talking and showing her these posts?

 

she asked you to spend time with her at her friend's house, then insisted on sleeping in the same room as you.

 

this is the part is was referring to:

When for example we'd spend a lot of time together regardless of what we did I'd sometimes think "why did you say we'd only be friends"

 

you're indicating a confusion on your part about spending time with you when she didnt want to be in a relationship.

 

look, only you know what goes on between you both. who knows if she is giving out signals or not when TBH i dont think you'd realise if she was or not.

I think this is the seat of your confusion.

 

as for the finer details, you'll have to sort that out yourself. we cant tell you exactly whats going on, we can only give our impressions from what you have told us. as you seem to be confused about this girl, any advice given is only based on your own confusion and probably likely to confuse you even more.

[Torredor]

believe what people DO, not what they SAY.

 

Did you grow up in a family where this is the role you were forced into?

 

Now do NOT take this the wrong way. But you kind of remind me of Forrest Gump..NOT in the intelligence department, but in the way that you are extremely loyal and sacrificing and caring to a girl who in reality did not deserve that high a degree of loyalty and love and devotion. She was always going off with some loser or another. And then she would fall back on Forrest to pick up the pieces of her disastrous life and choices... Does any of this strike a cord?

 

I agree wholeheartedly about trusting people's actions and that's one of the things I told her about her last boyfriend. She'd come to me and ask my advice about regarding something that he'd done and I'd just have a sit-down with her and we'd discuss his actions. No, my family didn't force me into any position or role. What I wanted to say is because I haven't had a lot of girl friends the feelings I have a bit strange and this one happens to be a single mother and one interpretation of the feelings is that it may be a subconscious effort to protect her or something like I said previously, it's difficult putting my thought into words.

 

Why would I be upset, you can't ask for advice and get made at what you get ... I love Forrest as an example. The one reason I here is to get some opinions and interpretations from people I don't know and who don't know me because I hope they wouldn't say anything bias toward me and to help me not make a stupid mistake based on my interpretations alone because "stupid is a stupid does".

[Torredor]

Who knows if she is giving out signals or not. As for the finer details, you'll have to sort that out yourself.

 

I know I can't get answers here and will have to sort things out for myself. Whether or not she is sending signals is any body's guess and only she'd know for sure. But what I was hoping for posting here is kind of getting a other people's perspectives on this. To find out what other women's intentions were when they'd do things like I mentioned and for men to tell me what they'd do when a woman does such things.

 

As for my confusion, it lies in the fact that having been told we'll always be friends I can interpret some of her actions as contradictory.

[Malenfant]

I know I can't get answers here and will have to sort things out for myself. Whether or not she is sending signals is any body's guess and only she'd know for sure. But what I was hoping for posting here is kind of getting a other people's perspectives on this. To find out what other women's intentions were when they'd do things like I mentioned and for men to tell me what they'd do when a woman does such things.

 

As for my confusion, it lies in the fact that having been told we'll always be friends I can interpret some of her actions as contradictory.

 

totally understand your confusion, people are just generally confusing and i dont even bother trying to figure people out anymore!

I feel from what you have posted that she is interested in you as more than a friend. Things she said before arent neccessarily relevent anymore as people are prone to change their minds.

 

i think the only thing to understand is that people arent consistant and you cant always take what people say at face value. Its a total guessing game until you talk to her.

[Torredor]

Although talking face-to-face is probably better I'm afraid I'll either back down at the last second or forget some of the things I want to say. I'm also not a person that likes changing the topic of a conversation, talking to her about his would have to some how fit into what we're talking about. On the other hand writing a letter, gives me opportunity to put my ideas into a logical and ordered arrangement. But then again the anticipation of waiting for a response knowing she has the letter would probably kill me too.

[Torredor]

It's been 5 days since I last heard of her, since we spoke just after the new year started. If I remember correctly she came back from holiday yesterday back I haven't heard anything from her. How should I respond to this after what we've been through last year?

[Torredor]

I thank everyone for their inputs and advice thus far but one more question. Most of the posted I got was that I should talk to her so following the advice I asked for I mustered up the courage to talk to my friend at the first chance, which would be tomorrow; Monday. I even had a speech prepared. I phoned my friend on the weekend and during our conversation she said that a guy living our town, which she has known for a month now, had phoned her a bunch of times during the holiday and that they have became friends and on Friday he asked her to be his girlfriend to which she answered yes. Having gotten the courage to talk to her I felt this put a spanner in my works in that it is only three days till I intended to talk to her, so for good measure I decided I'll ask my sister what she thinks, again. She said I should leave everything exactly the way things are not talk to her and move on.

You know what the funny thing is, that even though she is very hasty to move in with guys and this new lives only a few blocks from where she works she is coming to stay with us for the two days before school starts again. How can the world become so confusing in such a short period of time?

[Torredor]

I'm in deep deep emotional fickle matter now. As I said in my previous post I wanted to talk to me friend about the whole jealous thing today. I had to go to her school as another teacher asked for my help with something. She knew I'd be there she saw me and I ended up in her classroom for most of the morning. As I also stated in my previous post I decided to move on as best I can and not mention anything and act as normal as possible and slowly see less and less of her. I got through the morning brilliantly, we had such a good time, just talking about our holidays. At one point she says she needs to do some shopping and we're off to town.

 

She's thinking about buying or renting a house and her hostel room is getting a bit small for the little one. As we drive I direct her to a few available houses but we near her boyfriend's work. She quite seriously says, NO, she doesn't want to drive past there and how she doesn't want a house near him or even in walking distance from him. I can't even contemplate how she is in a relationship with him but reacts thins way, I reckon this isn't normal.

 

Anyway we drive home and it starts raining very heavily. We stay in the car and begin talking about how she and her boyfriend of three days met and when he asked her to be his girlfriend, usual small talk. Anyway I can't even remember what she asked me but afterwards, she says she thinks she can't discus her boyfriends with me anymore because I over-think any of the questions she has. Over-thinking is my forte. After 20 or so minutes as we're about to get out of the car she says she got something to say but doesn't think she should say it. I thinking it's about our discussion I convince her otherwise, whereupon she asks how easily can I forget things, being myself I say not easily but she knows this. She then tells me she sometimes wish I was her boyfriend.

 

Now what????? I was convinced about not talking to her and got damn far into the day without even thinking about it and then she goes and says something like that.

[Torredor]

I would say that it's pretty obvious that none of you want just friendship here (I believe that it's one way or the other true in most male/female "friendships").

 

In many M/F friendships at least one of persons is interested, and I believe that usually even other one isn't uninterested (sometimes have some reasons to act like they are).

 

So, my conclusion here is: If you are interested (and you seem to be)"go get her, boy!" But, don't let it drag unclear for a long time.

 

Leaving these things un-cleared just waste a lot of energy for the person who tries to be serious in relationship (and this seem to be you).

 

H

 

Read the my previous post to get the whole story. My question should have been; is it still warranted to ask her? Should I still speak up? Does her having a new boyfriend, albeit for three days only, prohibit me from asking her?