Howitzer Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Hi all, I'm trying to understand how to move on from an ex-girlfriend. I can understand that the chances for getting back together are minimal, yet I can't seem to just...give up on it. I'm want to get back together, and I feel like I cling to that possibility. Details: She broke up with me 3 weeks ago, and I went through a rough period. I feel better now, still lonely and sad at times, but I'm trying to be active. We dated for 6 years, and thought we were going to be married for the last three. We are both 23. We ended up going long distance because of career/life decisions, and the relationship went downhill from there. The break up was pretty amiable, in that we are still talking very much. She has tried to be there for me, to soften the blow. I guess the details don't matter so much to me. I'm just looking for some advice on how to think about letting her go. I really opened up to her, and we became best friends. For so long, I thought of her as my life partner. It's really hard to make that all go away.
tVII Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 ya. it is. best thing is do no contact whatsover. get a gym membership. workout. run. everything. learn guitar. write a song about your feelings. basically keep yourself busy. eliminate hope. she broke up with you, if she really wanted to she'd pick up the phone easy as you would pick up the phone to get her back. no what i mean? just stay busy and let your body go through the process. so doctors orders: stay busy to keep your mind of things.
duskandsummer Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 She isn't making the blow softer for you. If anything she is making the getting over her process harder. I know right now you want her in your life whether you are with her or not, and I know its gonna kill you and tear you apart not knowing what is going on with her, but trust me after all the hurt you will feel it will get better. Its not gonna be easy, and you are gonna feel miserable but in the end this will do so good for your heart if you heal properly. Don't slip into bitterness because this could affect your relationships in the future. I suggest that you distance yourself from her. Don't talk to her until you can see her as only a friend. If that day never comes, (because you can get over someone but always see them as something more) then you know that she is someone you can only have small talk with, but you shouldn't look for her on purpose at all. You need to go NC. Don't call her, don't answer her calls, don't check her facebook page or any social networking page she may have. Don't text her, don't email her. Pretty much the only reminder of her that you will have is in your thoughts, nothing from the outside world lol Work on yourself. Find ways to better yourself. I am not saying anything is wrong with you, but there is always room for self improvement which always makes us feel better. Try to go out with friends, meet new people. You may not be ready to date but maybe going out and flirting helps your heart know that there are plenty of fishes in the sea..that you won't be alone. Its gonna be hard, but that is what these threads are for you can post here anytime and so many people will try to help you through whatever you are feeling! its gonna get better.
Author Howitzer Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 hey thanks for the replies guys. I've been doing pretty well staying active. Been going out with friends, watching football, and calling friends on the phone. These things help past the time, though for awhile I was afraid that I was just distracting myself, and letting my emotions build up. I'm feeling a lot better these days though. I read a lot of these threads before posting here, and I guess I have some kind of stigma about NC after reading someone's posts. I just can't get over how NC seems to be so extreme. I understand that the point is to try to get yourself to go through life without having your SO as a staple. But to completely cut out someone important to you? I'll do some more reading on this. I've started a less extreme version of NC. I moved all of our pictures to somewhere that I don't see every day. Deleted her number from my phone (I have it memorized anyways lol.) I'm watching myself, making sure that I'm not waiting for her phone call or emails, such stuff. In general, I'm trying to live life without having her as some sort of end goal.
xoxo88 Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Considering that you're not sure yet about what you want to do about her and you already have received advice about moving on, i'm gonna tell something i read that could be useful to get her back. There are some ebooks like The magic of making up, Pull your ex back which show you how you can win them back. I've read the outcome of those who tried them and they got back together with their ex indeed. These books use some psychological triggers and if you don't want to use them on your ex, the best approach would be to become her friend. She'll realize what she has lost and probably want you back. I'm not saying you should try to get back together, but i was just giving some information on the subject in case you decide that's tha right thing to do. You know better than anybody the details of your relationship and only you can decide what's the best option.
GrayClouds Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 (edited) Hi all, I'm trying to understand how to move on from an ex-girlfriend. I can understand that the chances for getting back together are minimal, yet I can't seem to just...give up on it. I'm want to get back together, and I feel like I cling to that possibility. Details: She broke up with me 3 weeks ago, and I went through a rough period. I feel better now, still lonely and sad at times, but I'm trying to be active. We dated for 6 years, and thought we were going to be married for the last three. We are both 23. We ended up going long distance because of career/life decisions, and the relationship went downhill from there. The break up was pretty amiable, in that we are still talking very much. She has tried to be there for me, to soften the blow. I guess the details don't matter so much to me. I'm just looking for some advice on how to think about letting her go. I really opened up to her, and we became best friends. For so long, I thought of her as my life partner. It's really hard to make that all go away. You re doing some things well but I suggest that talking with her may feel like it is helping but in reality it is holding you back form healing. Your future is not going to have her there and the sooner you move from that place the better. You should serious think about No Contact. Not to punish her but to help you. read the following they will help: The No Contact Guide So you want a second chance? In time when you have healed, you can then think about re-connecting with her if you at that time still want to. If you tell her that you need to distance yourself so you can get past the break up and if she does care about you, she will understand. Good luck Edited January 2, 2010 by GrayClouds
Author Howitzer Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 @GrayClouds: Thanks for the words. I've read those guides already, and they were pretty helpful. I think you are right about the NC. It's not punishment, it's to help myself. I'll have to think more about this. I think it would be easiest for me to follow it if I understood how it worked. I'm guessing that NC forces you to go through life without that person. It would probably be easiest for me to heal if I understood how I should strive to act/think/live, rather than pine away at NC for the first few weeks. I know a lot of people seem to feel withdrawal symptoms at the beginning of NC. @xoxo88: I'm really not holding my breath for a second chance. Using my brain here instead of my gut feeling. For some reason, we are still in a relationship on facebook, but she's made it clear that it's over. Ah...wish I could just believe blindly in my gut feelings. It'd be so much easier wouldn't it? This thread has been hijacked and turned into an NC/not NC discussion. I originally started this thread because I was having trouble imagining myself with someone else. I guess there's not much more anyone can say other than, "there will be others", "you will find happiness with someone else". And that's just so hard to believe, the only thing I feel like I can do now is have some blind faith, and just wait it out. Anyone have any ideas on how I can think/look at this?
duskandsummer Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 I mean you have been with this girl for a very very long time. She was all you saw and so I totally understand not being able to see anyone else for you. I am not gonna sit here and say there is someone else out there for you, even though I know you won't be alone forever..it won't make you feel better. Trust me it drives me crazy anytime anyone tells me that there are "plenty of fish in the sea". I know this, but it doesn't change the fact that there is only one fish I want lol You are going to have to stick it out, and you won't feel like there is anyone out there for you until you find someone who has caught your interest, or has some potential of being more than a friend or a fling. I know right now every girl you see you will compare to her, but with time those feelings will go away. Yea yea time heals all wounds, it does it just sucks that for some of us its a lot of time. If you don't mind me asking what happened like in detail why did she call it off..what ended things?
Author Howitzer Posted January 3, 2010 Author Posted January 3, 2010 @duskandsummer: Thanks man. All that stuff you say seems more believable each day. I'm feeling pretty good right now. Not quite sure if I can say I'm stable, but I don't get depressed for long periods of time at least. I just...still want to be with her, even though I can rationally think it's not going to happen. We had a great year before this past fall. Then, I left for graduate school, and she moved to Spain to work for a year. We'd spent summers long distance before, but I guess this time things just turned sour. I couldn't handle the distance, and became insecure about her at a time when she needed the freedom to explore herself. She also was just not sure about me for years. We fought for a few months, and it gave her enough of a push to break up with me. She still cares and loves me, but feels that she could be happier. It does feel like I'll never find someone as good as her. She was gorgeous and smart, though a bitch at times. I still feel good inside when I think about her. Minus the pain of losing her. I think the real test for me will be how I react when she finds someone else. Not looking forward to that...
duskandsummer Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 @duskandsummer: Thanks man. All that stuff you say seems more believable each day. I'm feeling pretty good right now. Not quite sure if I can say I'm stable, but I don't get depressed for long periods of time at least. I just...still want to be with her, even though I can rationally think it's not going to happen. We had a great year before this past fall. Then, I left for graduate school, and she moved to Spain to work for a year. We'd spent summers long distance before, but I guess this time things just turned sour. I couldn't handle the distance, and became insecure about her at a time when she needed the freedom to explore herself. She also was just not sure about me for years. We fought for a few months, and it gave her enough of a push to break up with me. She still cares and loves me, but feels that she could be happier. It does feel like I'll never find someone as good as her. She was gorgeous and smart, though a bitch at times. I still feel good inside when I think about her. Minus the pain of losing her. I think the real test for me will be how I react when she finds someone else. Not looking forward to that... I'm glad what I am saying can help a tiny bit. I know how it goes everyone can tell you to move on or that you will be happy but it goes through one ear and out the other lol Getting better really is within ourselves, no one can fix us and it takes time for each and every one of us. I just like coming on here because I feel like im not alone, like someone understands what I am going through. As for the other person part, its a scary thought to think of them with someone else, but really try not to think about it right now. When that time comes, if you find out deal with it then. Its gonna hurt but hopefully you will be doing better when that time comes and you can be happy for her. I have to say though, even though you are going through tough times right now, you seem to be on the right track. You aren't putting all the blame on her and neither on yourself. You are looking at the situation clearly through both sides, which is always a good thing. Wanting her back is natural, 6 years is a very long time to be with someone, you were use to her and now shes gone. Although our minds tell us how we should feel, it is always our heart who has the final say. I know what I shouldn't and should do but ultimately whatever my heart wants, well thats what will guide me. When you don't give the heart what it wants thats when the aching starts. Like I said before you can always post here when things aren't going okay, venting always does the heart some good. Really just keep working on yourself like you are doing, try not to isolate yourself and try to have some fun. Distraction is key. This will sound like another stupid line everyone says but if she is meant to be..she will find her way back to you. Let life play out and see where it takes you.
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