CBIIS1 Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 After she left I had a rebound relationship with someone 1 month later. She told my best friends mother this was the reason she'd never reconcile. Last week, 2 months later she tells the daughter she couldn't come back because of the way I'm treating our son. She's of the belief my 11 year old won't spend time with her because I've "brainwashed" him into not seeing her as she says. The truth is, she's mentally abusive with him always making him feel guilty for favoring time with Dad. We do guy things. Its kind of normal for him to want to go hunting, fishing etc. over going to the mall, the movies, to her girlfriend's or to the in-laws. The point here is there seems to be different excuses from one instance to the other for not reconciling. What does this look like to you? Its been five months. At what point does the little light go on saying maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all?
tojaz Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Usually when they run out of excuses and they don't let their pride get the better of them. She dropping hints? TOJAZ
2sunny Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 when she can blame it on everyone and anything else but her - she doesn't have to face the guilt... she doesn't have to own her part in the reason for a failed relationship.
HappyAgain Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I assume you are speaking of your daughter? You might be missing a point here: what mother would tell her daughter that she wasn't going to return because her father was starting to fool around with someone new a month after she left? It doesn't sound like she is blaming anyone or making excuses but then again I'm a woman and I would never return if my XH started seeing someone so soon; in fact, he did, and I never spoke to him again. Was I making excuses, was I playing a game? Nope, it's been almost two years, divorce has been filed, and no I do not want to ever see him again. You might just have to accept that she is not returning.
LisaUk Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I assume you are speaking of your daughter? You might be missing a point here: what mother would tell her daughter that she wasn't going to return because her father was starting to fool around with someone new a month after she left? It doesn't sound like she is blaming anyone or making excuses but then again I'm a woman and I would never return if my XH started seeing someone so soon; in fact, he did, and I never spoke to him again. Was I making excuses, was I playing a game? Nope, it's been almost two years, divorce has been filed, and no I do not want to ever see him again. You might just have to accept that she is not returning. Were you the leaver? When someone leaves you the pain you experience is indescribable. Sometimes the mind has a funny way of dealing with that pain, b/c it is unbearable. Maybe your XH started seeing someone so quickly b/c it was the only way he could deal with his emotions and feelings for you. It's hard when you have all these feelings of love for the person who left, you don't want to love them, espically if they have treated you badly or/and been a true walk away ie: no chance at resolution first. Perhaps your XH needed to "put" those feelings somewhere in order to make it through the only way he could? Sometimes a rebound relationship says more about the marriage and the "lefts" feelings for the leaver than anything else, but perhaps not in the way one would intilaly think.
trippi1432 Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Were you the leaver? When someone leaves you the pain you experience is indescribable. Sometimes the mind has a funny way of dealing with that pain, b/c it is unbearable. Maybe your XH started seeing someone so quickly b/c it was the only way he could deal with his emotions and feelings for you. It's hard when you have all these feelings of love for the person who left, you don't want to love them, espically if they have treated you badly or/and been a true walk away ie: no chance at resolution first. Perhaps your XH needed to "put" those feelings somewhere in order to make it through the only way he could? Sometimes a rebound relationship says more about the marriage and the "lefts" feelings for the leaver than anything else, but perhaps not in the way one would intilaly think. Lisa, I thought this was interesting because so many leavers are either cheaters or move right into a rebound relationship very quickly. My thoughts on the leavers is that they left the relationship emotionally way before they physically left the OP. I would venture to say that it is easier for the leavers because they have had more time mentally to deal with their emotions, rewrite the history in their minds (even while still with you) and move on to the next relationship while the left behind are left cleaning up the mess.
LisaUk Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Lisa, I thought this was interesting because so many leavers are either cheaters or move right into a rebound relationship very quickly. My thoughts on the leavers is that they left the relationship emotionally way before they physically left the OP. I would venture to say that it is easier for the leavers because they have had more time mentally to deal with their emotions, rewrite the history in their minds (even while still with you) and move on to the next relationship while the left behind are left cleaning up the mess. I was referring to those left not the leavers. I meant that those who have been left and move on to someone else quickly may do so b/c of their feelings for the spouse that left.
curiou Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 CBIIS1, Dude, you can never truly interpret what's going on in the brain of another person. The only person's thoughts you can know are your own. I would objectively look at yourself: Are you a nice guy? Do you treat other people with respect? Do you spend quality time with your son, teach him the merits of physical and intellectual activity? Do you acknowledge your faults, work on anything that might be improved to a reasonable degree, and take pride in your work? If your answers are yes, it means anything your ex says to you is a bunch of psychobabble mumbojumbo. I'm serious. In fact, you should probably just turn down the volume on what she says. Don't listen. Turn up your ipod. Go for a run with your boy.
Author CBIIS1 Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 (edited) Curio, Yes that's exactly who I am and that's why my kids are choosing to be with me. I am a college professor. I have a lot going on. I have been evaluated by a psychologist in the past, and guess what, the tests said I was a nice guy in general. I'm not perfect, I mess up but I've always seen that as a chance to improve. The rebound relationship I walked into was with a young widow, friend of a friend, and we were both greiving our losses. She helped me keep my cool during the first five months, and thank God! It made my wife jealous as hell and that's too bad. She had told our daugther early on "I wish your father would get himself a girlfriend and leave me alone". Well, be careful what you wish for. I wasn't looking but friends happen. I've been keeping myself busy and preparing for my new better life. She is still doing the same old things, visiting the same people that she was before the break up. She has even been visiting my family members. Some have stopped talking to me because of her. She's out for blood but if I keep my children and sanity after all of this I'll be fine without all of them. You learn who really likes you when the poo hits the fan. I'm not perfect. I'm ready to take my share of responsibility for the break-up. She is such a dark force to contend with once her true self surfaces. She has always had the knack of getting the worse out of me. I've had it. Edited January 2, 2010 by CBIIS1
nobmagnet Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 hey you and I both know you are a good guy. Speaking froma won=man who has been dumped and only has her chilrens best intersest at heart.........no man in my home, Not for years. i have the abilty and means to know i can have a sex life out of my home. She was maybe scared you were relacing her? hey she was crap but.......its a thought you need to hold. Other way round? nadda nono no new daddy?????????? hello? it should be an rule. no new so till everthing is sorted. i wont show my kids another man till we have all healed...2years......whatever it takes. i expect lowly to do the same. kids first, everthing is second soz xx
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