Day 5 update - you will not believe what just happened!!!

[lostboyuk]

Unbelievable!! You know my story but brief run down...

 

She left me in sept, couldn't handle me having kids and felt my ex had too much control, we hadn't been great for a while. I got her back and she moved back in 4 weeks ago. She struggles with emotions, nothing serious though. Last few weeks Bern good, thought after 3.5 years we'd finally got there and would be together forever.

 

She left me alone at Xmas and went to see family, dumped me again 2 days after Xmas on phone! I've been a real mess for days then found out she was heading to our home to get her stuff, I called her and asked her not to go crazy taking stuff as it hurts and she should come round Sunday to talk about next steps (I've been advised not to do this but need to say goodbye and walk away in control, with some style).

 

Anyway, I got back from seeing family over NY and she took more than I asked her to! She stayed here last night, texted me a 'x' at midnight too! She came here with a friend (female!) and they went out in town. Anyway again, she also took her favourite tshirt of mine which wasn't washed do must have smelled of me!!! Still don't know what to think of that but that's not all.....

 

..... Got home earlier with kids, went next door for a few drinks and she phones me, I answer and she's outside the house (next door), I answer and she's in tears saying she's staying alone at a friends house but misses home so much and didn't think I'd be back until tomorrow. I know I should be tough and NC but I couldn't leave her like that, we came inside and I actually maintained a little composure! Didn't talk much serious stuff but gave her some options on what we could do with the situation. I said if I took advice from anyone they would tell me to tell you to &£@£ off. She actually replied with "but I haven't done anything wrong"!!!! She actually believes this, she's put me through hell, left me alone at Xmas, etc!!! But look I love her, we agreed that she should leave, she did and I walked straight next door and didn't look back. I gave her a hug as she left and she sighed as she felt me hold her (a nice sigh like she used to, relaxing into me).

 

So!!! This is how it is, I've worried so much that she didn't care, was having fun, I felt soooo low and cheated by her that she couldn't find me and us enough to get by what bothered her. I don't know how I feel about seeing her tonight, I know she missed home, but I also know she's living in a place with no bed, no tv and she's homesick, she took my tshirt to remind her of me, i can hold it together when I see her (at least a little) and I have control of this situation. Don't get me wrong, I'm still a mess, she left me but I hated her feeling like this, I love her!!!

 

Why can't 2 people who love each other just be together no matter what?! Arrrrgh!!!!

 

Although I dont think tonight made anything better between us it has sure as hell made me feel, dare I say great for a few hours at least.

[curiousnycgirl]

Then I am happy for you Lostboy - sounds like you'll do ok on sunday too - it really is amazing you were able to turn her away tonight. I'm sure that was best for your kids too.

 

Good luck!

[Howitzer]

I'm glad you felt better too, if only for awhile. We all need a break from the grief, to regain our strength.

 

Sounds like she's feeling a bit vulnerable. That doesn't necessarily mean she wants you back though.

[lostboyuk]

Thanks both

 

I know it isn't about her wanting me back (I wish!) but it did 2 things for me. I know she didn't want it this way and she's not out having the time of her life. I know she came back because she missed home, not to see me but home isn't just a house, it's where we lived and loved together.

 

I know if I'd have told her to turn around straight away I would have hated myself, she was so sad and vulnerable. This hasn't made me feel vindicated, nothing at all like that. It's made me feel a little bit stronger than before.....correction.....it made me feel stronger, I'm a mess again this morning!

[Simon Attwood]

The pair of you need your heads bashing together!!

[lostboyuk]

The pair of you need your heads bashing together!!

 

Simon, tell me about it!!!!!!!!

 

I've just noticed your signature quote, it absolutely explains my situation perfectly.....she has so many barriers within her, it's not that she CAN'T break them down, she simply refuses to accept them! I think she blames them on us and the situation but every once in a while she forgets, drops her guard and relaxes, then it's just perfect to be together.

 

I know I shouldn't but it's breaking my heart seeing her so upset and vulnerable like that, I can't think straight and last nights 'feeling great' has well and truly gone. What the hell do I do?!?!?!

[HeavenOrHell]

I agree, my ex has found splitting up hard, he said he feels vulnerable, and for a few months he was finding it hard to hold his job down and cook for himself, and he missed me a lot, said he would see me every day, be on the phone all the time if he could (but doesn't as it wouldn't be good for me I guess). He's done a lot of sighing in my presence, even called me lover, but he doesn't want me back.

That's not to say there's no hope in your situation.

I know what you mean that it's frustrating you love each other but aren't together. Tell me about it!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

I'm glad you felt better too, if only for awhile. We all need a break from the grief, to regain our strength.

 

Sounds like she's feeling a bit vulnerable. That doesn't necessarily mean she wants you back though.

[Simon Attwood]

What the hell do I do?!?!?!

 

That, my friend, is never an easy answer.

 

All I can say is; be strong, be patient, be tolerant.

 

She sounds very confused right now and only consistency can help that confusion. She is deeply conflicted; something in her life is feeling stifled and that stifling is perceived as a threat to her being. She is fighting a battle inside her, and the battles she is having with you are merely a projection of her inner battles, seeking something on the outside to explain or give meaning to emotions she is feeling on the inside.

 

Consistency is the only thing that can bring her round, that and a good spell of existential psychotherapy, but I fear she may be a little resistant to that concept.

 

If you only mirror her confusion with your own identifications of her confusions projected on to you, then there is no stability in her world to calm her fears.

 

Be a rock, but be a rock that isn't afraid to open up and reveal softness. Don't let her projections affect you, do not identify with them. Do not be confused by her projections.

[nobmagnet]

i have a word of caution.

 

Lowly had to come round and help me finish some jobs around here 4 weeks after the bomb dropped. We worked our butts off all day, got a chinese take away and opened a bottle of wine................I opened up positively about my plans (hiding my agaony inside) I smiled a lot and we talked till 1am.

 

He told me I was turning back into the woman he loved. This annoyed me. Next thing I know he was all over me. We ended up in bed. It lasted the usual 3 seconds!!!! I stood up looked him in the eye and said "hey i wont miss that" and got in my own bed. I flippin hated myself the next day i can tell you. these residial feelings of love can really make you do and say anything. Try to keep it as business like as you can.

 

sorry to ramble but i dont think i am the only person who made a whopper of a mistake.

 

xx

[lostboyuk]

Simon, you have just explained exactly what I have been thinking and trying to explain to myself/others. I hate seeing her like that so much, when we first met she would scratch herself when she found herself in a tough spot, I've helped her with that over the years and doesn't now but still struggles with everyday things, ignores stuff so she can't get it wrong and I think that's been part of the problem, she hasn't put in the effort to our relationship or the things she struggles with as she feels she 'can't do it right'. It hurts so much to see the woman I love feel this way!!!

 

My other big concern is the support circle that she's had around her recently over xmas, (non of which are particularly experienced in this kind of thing and her mum is a little similar emotionally to my GF). So I can see lots of "if you feel so sad it must be over", "we're here for you", "you're doing the right thing for you", "you can't keep putting the poor man through this", etc, etc. That advice she will have been getting is not malicious, it's honest and probably sound in some respects. I'm not arrogant at all about this but I honestly feel like I know her better than anyone else, sometimes herself. I have seen in her what others never had as she has told me she never opened up to anyone like she has with me but she still can't talk to me properly. She's talked to friends and family but not to the one person who is important in all of this.

 

My dilema is now this, I'm seeing her tomorrow, my plan was to talk about stuff to try to understand more, try to let her see what she's done (she said last night she hasn't done anything wrong), laugh and cry about it, then take back control for myself, ask her for her key and go completely NC to get myself over this (of course I also hope that NC will have the other effect in her missing what she had!). I can't be her rock if I tell her I don't want to talk to her or see her, I want to be there for her but how can she see what she's missing if she can have my shoulder when she needs it. Is this an example where NC isn't best?!

 

My final fear is that she will learn to cope with her tough times herself and think 'I didn't need him after all' and 'I must have felt like that because of our relationship and the circumstances, therefore what I did was right'! I already know she misses me and home, I know she's upset and I hate that.

 

I have wondered whether I'd been making all this stuff up to make myself feel better but I'm so damn convinced this is the underlying problem, if she would just open up, get some real support together and relax we could be the best. SO CONFUSED

[Simon Attwood]

When we feel the need to protect ourselves, we are essentially admitting a vulnerability, a fragility, a weakness.

 

The only thing that is truly fragile is our illusion of self, for it is a shell built upon the outside. This is the only thing that can really be damaged or broken by another, short of our bones being broken by a baseball bat. The emotional baseball bat can only break our illusion of identity, and in a relationship, if our illusion of identity somehow relies upon the other, we are particularly vulnerable to the bat that the other wields.

 

Our hearts are not weak and vulnerable, it is not our hearts that break in these situations, it is our identities that are assaulted and our illusions that are broken.

 

When you realise this truth, you are no longer as vulnerable as you once were. When you no longer feel vulnerable, you no longer feel such a need to defend yourself, and you remove projections from the equation because projections are essentially defences of the identity. You are no longer lashing out with your own projections, and the lashings out of the other become impotent in their ability to harm. For projections are intended to provoke in the other, feelings that cannot be tolerated in the self. When you do not identify with the projections, then the projections bounce back to the projector and they are left to have to either face or repress what was projected.

[lostboyuk]

Sorry, feeling very dim at the moment, I think you suggest to be strong for her tomorrow and not try to identify with what I believe is causing this situation within her?

 

After thinking this through I'm going to do this tomorrow.....I think! Thoughts most very welcome as mine are a mush?

• Listen to her (if she can talk to me for once) and not be defensive.
  
• Let her know I undersand why she felt she had to do this but also let her know how it has affected me.
  
• After thinking long and hard I know I have made some honest mistakes that have made her feel worse about our situation.
  
• Tell her I love her and wish she believed that if she had been open to the possibility we could have gotten help together/alone (which we never tried), at least we would both know for sure we couldn't work.
  
• I'll contact her to arrange the rest of her things.
  

Finally, ask her for her key and say "I would love to be able to say I will be here for you if you needed me but I don't think I can', I need to protect myself just as you are feeling you needed to do this to protect yourself. If you ever think differently about all of this, me, the situation and yourself I hope you can feel you can contact me. But for now I need to move on with my life, I've got lots of adventures to go on, please take care of yourself and know there'll be a piece of you in my heart forever, goodbye *****".

 

Ouch my head hurts! Why is she so convinced that we can't be together?!!!!! I backed off and was her rock 1st time in Sept/Oct as I knew she had to make her own decisions and she did and came home!!!

[Simon Attwood]

• Listen to her (if she can talk to me for once) and not be defensive.
  
• Let her know I undersand why she felt she had to do this but also let her know how it has affected me.
  
• After thinking long and hard I know I have made some honest mistakes that have made her feel worse about our situation.
  
• Tell her I love her and wish she believed that if she had been open to the possibility we could have gotten help together/alone (which we never tried), at least we would both know for sure we couldn't work.
  
• I'll contact her to arrange the rest of her things.
  

Finally, ask her for her key and say "I would love to be able to say I will be here for you if you needed me but I don't think I can', I need to protect myself just as you are feeling you needed to do this to protect yourself. If you ever think differently about all of this, me, the situation and yourself I hope you can feel you can contact me. But for now I need to move on with my life, I've got lots of adventures to go on, please take care of yourself and know there'll be a piece of you in my heart forever, goodbye *****".

 

1. Tick; although "try not to be defensive" would be a more accurate way of putting it as it is often hard not to be defensive in these situations.

 

2. Avoid playing the victim or giving her the impression that you think she has wronged you or anyone else by her behaviour. The only person wronged on this occasion, I believe is her, by her own instincts.

 

3. Only say goodbye if it is what you want. If you don't want this to be goodbye then don't say it, otherwise you are just playing her game and perpetuating the dysfunction.

[lostboyuk]

3. Only say goodbye if it is what you want. If you don't want this to be goodbye then don't say it, otherwise you are just playing her game and perpetuating the dysfunction.

 

of course I don't want to say goodbye but this has been going on so long I've been a complete mess, all advice is NC but then I think this isn't a 'normal' situation. I know I need to think of me but I'm so honestly sure it could work out if she would/could accept things. I'm tough enough to wait as long as it takes if I knew it'd be ok but she has told me it's over, it's not enough, she doesn't feel the same. I'd believe all that if we hadn't got back together a few weeks ago and felt better than we ever did.

[Simon Attwood]

of course I don't want to say goodbye but this has been going on so long I've been a complete mess, all advice is NC but then I think this isn't a 'normal' situation. I know I need to think of me but I'm so honestly sure it could work out if she would/could accept things. I'm tough enough to wait as long as it takes if I knew it'd be ok but she has told me it's over, it's not enough, she doesn't feel the same. I'd believe all that if we hadn't got back together a few weeks ago and felt better than we ever did.

 

 

Listen to her, but not just to the words as these can be deceptive, listen to her motives, her behaviour. Listen beyond the words because we have a habit of using words to obfuscate and disguise our true feelings from others and from ourselves.

[lostboyuk]

Thank you Simon, I need to stop thinking for a while and hope things will come clearer before tomorrow. I will of course take your advice, if nothing else at least I know I'm not compltely insane right now. Sincerely, thank you for your time.

 

I have to be honest (not arrogant) I have sensed what I needed to do throughout the last 4 months for the most part, maybe I need to stop planning and just do what feels right tomorrow. Use the force Luke springs to mind!

[Simon Attwood]

Use the force Luke!

 

 

Couldn't have said it any better, myself

 

But remember, don't be seduced by the dark side