zoesmom Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 I'm almost 49 and married my husband almost 27 years ago. I'd not dated much and fell instantly in love; we married after dating only a few months and the marriage has lasted 27 years this month. A few spats before the marriage should have alerted me that he was quite volatile but I have always made excuses for him; I guess enabled him and tolerated it. He doesn't think so but he's verbally abused me for years. Don't get me wrong, he's loving, honest to the point of insanity, a Christian (which is very important to me). He's been faithful though he did have an emotional affair online a year and a half ago that I caught. I've not been able to get over that though I did tell him I'd forgive him. He's been watching porn online (I know this from looking at his history) and maybe I'm over reacting, but I don't like it one bit. He yells at me and tells me I'm stupid. I have fibromyalgia and sometimes yes do have fibrofog. I will tell you I don't have a lot of common sense according to him. I am the breadwinner of this family. He has problems getting along with people, especially my family. He's not worked the last year due to a back injury and his work history before that was pitiful. He's not worked enough hours to even qualify for disability if that tells you anything. I've tolerated it because "it worked for us". I've been blessed in that I have had good jobs and make a good income. Our home is paid for (small) and we have no debt. We have no children; only a poodle that is my world though she loves him more than me. I have come to the conclusion that I deserve to be happy in my life. I don't want to lose him because I'm one of those helpless wives that can't do much but EARN AN INCOME, be a great cook, coupon and refund and we eat cheap, but I can't do much. He's been the one that has taken care of all household things for years. He's not a bad guy. He does have a facebook addiction which PISSES me off to no end. I come home and he's done nothing but laundry and been on facebook all day and it pisses me off to no end. There is nothing going on as far as him cheating (so I think and I do believe) but his reconnection to his past is so f'ing important to him, it's sick.... I am not happy but scared to death. Things have not been good between us. We fake a lot, but his volatility and his GD temper, I've had enough. I'm scared to death to make the move, but told him today, I was ready. We are going to try to and do this amicably. What pisses me off is that idea that I will have to pay for alimony to this NAREDOWELL....now he's going to file for disability and thinks he can get it... yeah good luck with that.. I'll spend $$ on that too... We live a good life and don't want for much. He lavishes me at christmas with beautiful jewelry which I love, but honestly, neither of us is happy. I just think it's time for me to be happy. I'm scared to death and not really sure this is what I want. I don't know if I can make it on my own. I barely know how to change a lightbulb (slight exaggeration). We had world war 3 today and he tells me I will fail miserable. If I don't do a no fault divorce, he tells me he'll embarrass me like crazy. What the F does that mean. He has called me stupid probably 3/4 of the time we've been together. I'm a sick person for putting up with this, aren't I??? I don't even know where to begin. Let me stress we want to do this amicably because $$$ is $$$$ and I don't want to piss it away. I need help....please. He will not consider therapy b/c he says it's a waste of money. What does that say for our relationship? I am in TN. I am overhearing a conversation with his mother.. He's such a dickhead. He's rude and thinks everyone else has the problem but him... I know I will be better off but making this step is the hardest thing I've ever done. Please don't tell me to talk to anyone.. what is that going to accomplish. We will sell our home and split assets 50/50 I guess. He seems to think we can do this without an attorney until the end and then have the same attorney. I'm so ashamed and embarrassed..... and scared. I have a dog that means the world to me, but loves him more. I have issues with her during the day and don't want to give her up. I wish I could just die...but I'm not stupid enough to take my life.... glad to be here.... scared to death...
hopesndreams Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 How does he lavish you with jewelry at Christmas when he doesn't have a job? If I were you, I'd take the plunge.
Author zoesmom Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 (edited) failing, being alone, not having a man around the house to do all the things I can't do, FAILING, losing him, being alone, e v e r y t h i n g I've never been alone. I went from my parents home to college to his home...... Edited January 2, 2010 by zoesmom
CBIIS1 Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Lot of issues here. I guess you can just pack it up or work on them one at a time if both of you are willing to change your ways. If not, then.. It won't be better elsewhere if my guess is right. You guys sound like you're both set in your ways, in a rut. Its sad.
D-Lish Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 But what is the alternative? Just continue coasting, taking the abuse and being generally miserable most of the time? I guess you have to ask yourself what is worse- making a go of it alone or live the rest of your life with a man that calls you stupid 2/3's of the time. He doesn't contribute to ANYTHING. If you are the breadwinner and he contributes nothing, the only thing you are losing is a free-loader. If you have a connection to your church, perhaps you can find some solace in that community?
hopesndreams Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Just imagine, after 28 years being with your H, you have your own place. He won't be around, laying around, looking at porn on computer and calling you stupid. You, for the 1st time in your life, will be alone. That doesn't mean you have to be lonely. It will be a time of new challenges, freedoms, and taking pleasure in the little things, that make you happy. It will be exhilarating. Financially, after splitting things up, you will be better off because you will no longer have someone leach off you. Something breaks down? Open the phone book, go online and find someone to fix it. Losing him, yes, but you will be finding yourself. It's not the big scary world out there that you believe it is. I have been on my own for a few months now, H left me to be with his MOW. At first, it felt like I was being thrown to the wolves! Now, it feels pretty darn good and am proud of the way I've been able to adapt.
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 It'll be so hard, scary hard..But - Remember.. You have friends, you have family, you'll have neighbours, people who can help you out along the way.. Your H is just a body in your house, keeping you company. You're alone now, when you think of it.. Being ALONE-alone as I mentioned is scary, but atleast you won't have to put up with all the crap on a daily basis from your H. Have you considered separation first, not divorce? See how it goes on your own?
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