expect the worst Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Long story here, but i feel the need to vent, it finally came to a head last night. The ex and I dated for almost 4 years, we met in college and the last year was long distance, 4 hours apart, as we attended law school in different cities on the east coast. Last January after when we got back from Christmas Break she came to visit me, and said that she maybe wanted a break/needed space. I have to say that even the year we were in different cities I saw her almost every weekend, most of the times me taking a bus up to visit her. Anyway, I gave her some space, and then things moved on as if nothing ever happened we even went on a nice weeklong vacation to a resort in Mexico in May. Then I went to Italy for my summer job, and we kept in contact but I could feel her getting more distant as the summer progressed, when I got back to the US before we met up again, I asked her point blank over the phone, and we had the break up talk. That was mid-August of this year. Her points were mostly that I wasn't old enough/experienced, she wanted to see what else was out there, and I love you, but I am not in love with you. It was pretty amicable, but I was destroyed by it, we stayed friends and kept talking pretty frequently for a while, like once a day. She even came down to NY for job interviews and it was as if we were together again, going out every night and we slept together, with her initiating each time. Contact kind of tapered off in the months after that, still pretty frequent but not as much, and at this point with me initiating most of it (i know, big mistake) at a certain point she told me that I was smothering her, so I stopped initiating any contact, only responding to hers which was like once a week. I would still help her edit and write her papers for class and what not. I also still bought her stuff, that was probably dumb, like a big care package when she was sick, some books, magazines and massage. Anyway, I realized that she had started seeing someone around Thanksgiving and it devastated me, but I didn't tell her I knew. She told me about it a couple of weeks later, and was very apologetic about it which seemed strange, but told me that the guy was going back to Europe at the end of December, so it was no big deal. Fast forward to New Years, anyway she decided to come down to DC for New Years with some mutual friends and college roommates of mine, I'm in DC as well because I am home for the holidays. We hang out a bit the day before New Years and its all fine, I mean I can tell that she is not in love with me but we get along ok. On New Years Eve we went to a party together with our mutual friends, and she tells me "not to baby her" before we even leave, once we get there she is flirting with all the guys like crazy, coming back around me every so often to say "all these boys want me". I don't really know what to do about it, I know that she's drunk but still. Then the New Years countdown starts and I see that she's making out with some random guy she met like 1 hour before. I am sick to my stomach, I know we were no longer together, but that was downright mean, stupidly a part of me thought that maybe she would kiss me. Anyway, right after that I go to the bathroom and she thinks that I've left out of anger/hurt so she tracks me down, seems very apologetic gives me a kiss and says something to the effect that I'm not having a good time or something. I left shortly thereafter. This morning what I get is a text "Sorry about last night, I hope you feel ok". Now the weird thing is that this was soo shocking not just to me, but to all of our mutual friends who could not recognize this girl at all. They kept saying to me all night, "omg who is this person". They all thought what she did was horrible and these are her friends, that I met through her, but they are all on my side it seems. Throughout our relationship we were like the model boyfriend/girlfriend, everyone thought we were great, we were always happy. We had good communication, and never got into big fights (yes, I was a bit of a doormat.) I realize what caused the downfall of the relationship was me becoming too obsessed with her and losing track of myself. I have since learned that women don't want a great boyfriend, they want a great man. I let myself go and she just got better and blossomed into an even prettier girl and got into one of the top law schools in the country. Now she was full of confidence, where she once was a bit insecure and realized that she got lots of attention from guys. So my failings together with her grass is greener and my parents sadly never liking her too much (that was important to her)caused things to go south. We were each other's first everythings and planning on getting married, I had saved up a good bit for an engagement ring. I liked her so much because we shared all the same interests and she was also very religious (another reason why I was shocked by New Years Eve). I am tremendously heartbroken still, think about her too much, though I have stopped initiating contact going on 2 months now. She instead seems perhaps even more confused with this behavior that is very unlike her, sort of going through a rebellious phase. I just needed to vent all this and come for support. 5 months into this and I still feel terrible. At first I wanted to get back together with her because I loved her soo much, though this may have changed since last night. I know that I should probably go complete no contact or super super super low contact and not answer/reply to all her contact. I have done the whole focus on yourself thing, really paying attention at school and hitting the gym every day, I have lost a ton of weight and plan to lose even more. I am slowly regaining my confidence and have a whole new wardrobe, but I still feel hollow and empty, too fragile for the dating scene I think. I just want the happy ever after and the dating world for my age group just seems soo terrible.
carolinawanderer Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 She needed someone "older and more experienced?" At what, being an uber-macho douchebag? Her behavior is beyond cold and immature. Maybe she can't help her feelings. But the way she handled things afterwards was completely uncalled for. Don't feel like a doormat. My ex actually didn't like it when I didn't agree with her on things, it bothered her more than it did me. She didn't see it as a sign of strength. To shamelessly flirt with other guys in front of you after this shows just what kind of a person she is. I don't care if you feel like you were "too obsessed" with her. If a girl tells you that, take a step back and assess the situation. Are you actually smothering her? If the answer is no, I think it's a sign of immaturity on her part. Immature women are the ones who feel like they have to "chase after" guys. Let her go. I wouldn't want to be with a girl like that.
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