mansquito Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 This is more of a vent, really. I just feel the need to blurt it out after lurking here a bit. I'm well aware that there's nothing new under the sun, but any insight is appreciated. The past: I'm 31. I was in a nine-year relationship, the last five of which were married. My ex-wife was a diagnosed nutcase. I won't go in to what, specifically, was wrong with her, but suffice it to say it's the kind of disorder that can really do a number on a partner. I finally left her a year and a half ago, and the divorce was final just over a year ago. For the last couple of years of the marriage, continuing through the present, I've been seeing a shrink to help me come to grips with some of the issues I had both prior to the marriage and stemming from it. We never had any kids, thank god. Before I met my ex, I had never really had a long-term (meaning, 6+ momth) relationship. I played in a few bands, and I had plenty of fun (if you know what I mean), so I wasn't really looking to settle down. My ex was eight years older, and fresh out of her first divorce when we met. Somehow, a thing that was a bit of fun with a more experienced older chick turned in to moving in together, which eventually (once her baby clock kicked in to high gear) turned in to marriage. Since the divorce - well, okay, the separation - I've had my share of hound dogging, as recently divorced people are wont to do. I had a few one-or-two month things that didn't work out for one reason or another and a handful of hookups. After a bad ending to a mutual rebound thing really knocked me on my heels, I decided to avoid getting serious with anybody. I was always open an honest about it, and it worked well. I concentrated on grad school and doing the stuff that I never got to do during my marriage - traveling, hobbies, that kind of thing. I had my fair share of loneliness, heartache, and depression, though - mostly when I was totally smitten with someone and it didn't work out for whatever reason. I decided that I'm probably wired for monogamy. Enter my best female friend, who I'd been regaling with tales of my bachelor exploits. [More to come. Breaking up for TLDR purposes.]
Author mansquito Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 The present: Best female friend fixed me up with an acquaintaince of hers who was recently single. She seemed like just my type - smart, arty, petite, pretty, and a slight introvert. We had the Perfect First Date: a couple of happy hour drinks turned in to some impromptu Chinese, which turned into a nightcap on my porch where we watched a crazy summer thunderstorm. I flew out the next morning to visit friends in NYC, and we texted each other all weekend. We've been dating for five months. It was "facebook official" about four weeks after our first date - her prompting. Given my previous experience, I thought we were moving a bit fast, but I was charmed at the same time. I'm really in to her. As the relationship progressed, the subject of exes came up from time to time - horror stories, histories, that kind of thing. I've only had one big one of any note, and she expressed discomfort and bit of jealousy at my more recent ones (going to so far as to ask me to take innocuous pictures of one or two of them down from my FB pics.) It wasn't a big deal for me - I interpreted it to mean that she was serious about the relationship. I've been pretty circumspect about stuff. And frankly, it's not like I have a whole bunch of really sordid details to tell. She, on the other hand, has had a bit of a Carrie Bradshaw experience. She's a couple of years older than I am, and has only had one significant relationship of note, which she ended by cheating. The rest of it is a string of short term deals and hookups. She's never spent any significant amount of time alone. My problem isn't with the number. She originally brought up the question, and, assuming she's telling the truth, hers isn't too far off from mine when length of relationships and stuff is taken in to account. It would be wildly hypocritical of me to get all high and mighty about her pasta, and honestly, from what she's told me, I've probably had a far more fulfilling sex life than she has. My problem, I think, is a question of social circles. Early on, I learned a hard lesson about dating within a close-knit peer group, and have tended to seek dates away from usual hangouts or watering holes. She, on the other hand, has done the opposite. She's been drinking at the same bar for ten years and has probably boned most of the regulars. She doesn't keep the exes at arms length, either - a good couple of dozen (that I know about) are FB friends. She regularly corresponds with a few of them. Needless to say, it's been tough. My circumspection and discretion has been positively *fabulous* for her - we've run in to an ex of mine exactly *once*. On the other hand, I know that every time we go out, we're likely to run in to somebody who's seen her naked. Even that wouldn't be a huge deal if it weren't for the way that she's framing our relationship. I'm a reasonably good looking guy with an excellent career and a caring, thoughtful personality. She's told me that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her. In some ways, I believe her, but paradoxically, that bothers me. I feel like she's decided that she's found a nice, stable dude to finally settle down and have babies with after a long string of exciting, but otherwise unsuitable douchebags. All the while, she has a bunch of these "now we're just friends" guys in her back pocket on the off chance that I don't work out. It's been bothering the hell out of me. I realize that a lot of my anguish comes from adjusting to being in a relationship, and uncertainty about trust and commitment, but I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do about it. Lately, I've started having nightmares about infidelity. I dunno. I'm kinda sick of typing. Your thoughts?
JohnP82 Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Hmmm, I don't really have any advice for you. However I can relate to you in some ways and will pay close attention to this thread as it develops.
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