tojaz Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 New Years a time to reflect and a time to drink and boy did I do too much of both. The holidays have been hell and I know I'm not the only one. I must have started a dozen threads just to get them half wrote and delete them. I've been all over the place, so if I go back to posting like a madman, you'll know why. So looking back at 2009 as pretty much a year of loss. Lost some money, lost my best friend of 26 years, lost my health, and of course lost my wife. Looking to cheer myself up after seeing that, I started sorting and printing pictures to fill the empty spaces on my walls where wedding photos and our life together had once hung. I came across a photo that I had never paid much attention to before. Poorly lit and out of focus here is my wife standing in the middle of our living room the day we took possession of our house, arms in the air and smiling with pride in this empty room with bare walls and no furniture. Smiling with pride.... for this house she claims she never wanted, never felt at home in? For whatever reason, that picture would stick in my head the rest of the night trying to figure how we went from that to this. Theres no one answer. I've spent a lot of time theorizing on what happened in her head, the ways she was wrong, or faulty, or delusional. She wasn't.., but I didn't see that until last night, looking at my watch, waiting for the ball to drop. I've always been a watch guy, always had a bunch and thanks to some unique job opportunities in my teens I had the ability to spoil myself in that respect. BVLGARI, TAG, ROLEX, had them all at one point or another. Rarely if ever wore one around her. She didn't have much and money could be a sore subject with her at times back then. I'm ashamed to admit I can't remember the specific occasion right now, but I'm pretty sure it was our one year anniversary as a couple, I'm picking her up at her dads apartment and she presents me with a gift, a watch. Nothing high end, a black chrome Seiko, wasn't what I was used to, but it must of cost a bit for a part time student worker with student loans etc. It never fit quite right and kept terrible time, but not another watch touched my wrist for the next 10 years. The fancy stuff was sold and that was that. She bought me a new watch to replace that now worn and scratched up Seiko last year. A beautiful Skagen, very nice and I could tell she spent some time picking it out. I told her I didn't like it, I didn't, but I didn't know why. It was because it didn't stand for what that old Seiko stood for. It stood for us when we had been at our best. Before life was about vacation homes and what kind of car we drove, or being on the right committees and how many letters are after our name. When a walk in the park or curling up just to talk was just as satisfying as a night on the town or a fancy dinner. When it wasn't about being the perfect spouse, perfect provider, perfect house wife. When it wasn't about the pressure of what the next step "should be" or what a married couple was "supposed" to do next. When what color to paint the walls or what kind of light to hang was a fun and loving conversation rather then a shouting match that really made no sense to either of us. We each lost ourselves. We each gave up to much energy into "being married" and lost what worked and what I loved.....just "being us". TOJAZ
Ronni_W Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Dang, tojaz. I can't tell if that's you going deeper into that black hole of self-pity -- or if it's you finally clawing your way out of it. Whaddup, bro? Are you seeing some light? Where are you? How can I help?
Author tojaz Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 I'm seeing a lot of things Ronni. Probably a little of both. Looking at things in a different light I guess. I see myself getting back to the guy i was before things started to degrade, enjoying the simpler things and finding appreciation for them all over again. I also see her becoming not only the woman she wanted to be, but the woman I originally fell in love with, with her own opinions, and ideals and interests, and chasing her dreams! I don't know exactly what that means in my mind just yet, or what the next step is. I guess this is just me acknowledging my part of the breakdown. TOJAZ
Gunny376 Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Quit sitting around digging up bones of a Love that's already dead and gone! Time to move on! What was? Was! What is? IS! What will be will be! People come! And People Go! Ain't no one monkey that makes a show! Just that plain! Just that simple! The time to get busy living your life ~ is right here ! Right Now! Without or without somebody ~ be it because of divorce or death. The fact of the matter is! The time to get busy living your life is right here ~ and right now. You've got to make the decision! Either get yourself busy living? Or get yourself busy dying! Just that PLAIN! Just that simple! You've got a lot of Love to give tojaz! You've got a lot to give to the World. You would have gave a lot as a Marine. You would have given a lot as a Marine. You put others before yourself. I joined because I felt I had a "patrotic chore" to serve and to give to those that came before me. That had paid the ultimate price ~ that had laid down their very lives for such as me? That answered the call of "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country" You'd made a GREAT Marine!
nobmagnet Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Sweet story............Kinda like mine realy in some warped way. When I met him he was skint living at his folks place odd jobbing. I was a single mum coming out of a short horrible marriage. I had little money but I managed to scape enough together to pay for us both to go to Reading muscic festival. It was the best weekend. We were stoned for most of it walking round with silly grims arm in arm with a pot noodle cup full of vodka! Missed most of the top bands because we were........you know! Fast forward 9 years...............3 kids ......Massive house...pots of cash.......4 acres 2 horses and damn bloody miserable! Somewhere along the way we lost sight of what was important. I didnt like the possetions I didnt want the big house. He felt like lord of the manor but didnt lift a finger. I lost 3 stone lots of hair and my self respect along the way too. Fast forward to today..... I am happy most of the time my kids are too. I dont miss anything about the man he became he changed into a materialistic sh*t. I wasnt young enough, I wasnt pretty enough and he got bored. Hey I aint no oil painting but im no minger either!!! So i suppose he has lost it all. All I appear to have lost was my security for a while in the terror of acceptance. I have accepted it now and cant wait to move forward. Tojaz...........we all change we all get lost in the trappings of day to day life some choose to acknowledge it and get help to get on the right track.............some walk away. Mine and your chose to walk away. We are both young enough to make the most amazing life for our selves. I have no intention in looking for another to replace him as I am happy on my own. I am incharge of my own desting not relying on another for it. I forgot to invest in me too. That wont happen again. love neet I rambled there soz xx
Author tojaz Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 Well that was kind of the kick in the pants Neet, and what i meant by the post. As strange as it sounds, for my part, in trying to love her, I forgot how! Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of who she was, and who we were. One of the things she said that i really didn't get at first was that "buying gifts got hard" Never really put a lot of deep thought into what that meant, but I look around at the gifts we had been getting each other and it makes sense. Its easy to see because most of what I have was given to me by her. Things had become materialistic because I always tried to give her bigger and better and she tried to keep pace. Put after all that and making some money and buying some things, I look around at what I cherish most, what gifts and objects mean the most to me and ti isn't any of those things that I felt a great acomplishment in buying them. It isn't the house or my big a$$ TV, furniture, my car etc. all the things I had been consuming me for the past several years in trying to get ahead. My most prized possesion is a box of old love letters, a copy of her book, and an old beat up watch. But I haven't been showing her that person for quite some time, and I miss him myself. TOJAZ
nobmagnet Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 like I say we all get lost in life. It is funny isnt it when the penny drops??? You work your arse of to attain this you neither want/need and lose sight of the fundimental part of being a couple. Ivesting time passion and most of all respect. We are all guilty of that society conditions us to it. But as you say most of us would bive every bit of it away to get back to the secko watch. love ya x
Author tojaz Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 (edited) like I say we all get lost in life. It is funny isnt it when the penny drops??? You work your arse of to attain this you neither want/need and lose sight of the fundimental part of being a couple. Ivesting time passion and most of all respect. We are all guilty of that society conditions us to it. But as you say most of us would bive every bit of it away to get back to the secko watch. love ya x True enough, but I was too blind and panicked to see that when i needed to. TOJAZ Edited January 2, 2010 by tojaz
nobmagnet Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 hey love...........wont happen again though will it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! unwards and upwards my dear dreams and plans the rest will follow honey it really is a lesson for us all to learn. It really made me think. Thank you. xx
LisaUk Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I had the opposite problem with my ex. One of the reasons he gave for leaving was that he wanted more from life, to get further in his career, to go out more, to go on foreign holidays, to have a family, to experience new things, to keep attaining, bigger, better, MORE. Apparently I was boring b/c I was content with our lovley home and our life together, with his company, HIM. I told him "if you continue to put your happiness in the future, in what you can attain next, you will never be happy b/c you will never be content with what you have".
TaraMaiden Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Wow, Lisa... did you know you're Buddhist...?? Good for you! Well said!
nobmagnet Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 **** lisa!..........wish you could promt me! neet cxxxxxxxxxxxx
LisaUk Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Wow, Lisa... did you know you're Buddhist...?? Good for you! Well said! Thanks Tara. Silly thing was he agreed with me, said he was aware he was never happy, always chasing the next thing meant he never enjoyed what he had when he achieved it! Nutter. **** lisa!..........wish you could promt me! neet cxxxxxxxxxxxx Not with you Neet?????????
trippi1432 Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 This is becoming an interesting thread, I see (was emphatically told) much of what has been posted here. I worked too many hours, did online college so I could be home with the kids when I could have been doing a top notch university instead....wasn't sure what I was trying to attain really...security, a future I guess. Ex wanted the finer things in life, I tried to give them to him and to us. His ultimate goal was that he wanted to get to that place where he could "retire early" and stay home (wasn't happening with his gambling problem). My ultimate goal was to try and have a happy family....I guess we couldn't acheive that together (he has that now with OW's family he claims). When he left, he said pretty much what you have summed up Tojaz. Where was that woman that he knew 15 years ago, the one who came to pick him up from work on his birthday with balloons flowing out of the sunroof and a birthday cake on the front seat. The one and only time he went to MC, this was the person he wanted back. A couple of months after he left he claimed I was becoming the woman he knew years ago, the fact is she never left...he "chose" not to see her. Everybody loses themselves in a marriage to one extent or another, the trick is recognizing it and trying to do something about it when it happens. One good thing that I learned from the Divorce Busting coach was that marriage takes constant work and you have to "check the temperature" of the marriage instead of putting on "blinders" to what is going on, but both people have to be on board with that. If one is not willing to take the time to listen to the other and do so without laying the sole responsibility of blame on the other person's shoulders, then someone is truly "lost".
2.50 a gallon Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 I beleive it was Kenny Loggins that sang "I believe in love" lyrics "Worried, running up the money tree monkey do what the money see" Some people just don't get it, he has has the most and biggest toys win, but their souls remain restless I was in a LTR before my present GF whose family was very rich, she was a millionaire, and daddy was hundreds of times richer. At first we had everything going for us, mutually attracted, and she had Menza IQ. We were together for about 8 years, as lovers, back to friends, back to lovers, etc. and in all that time we never ran out of things to talk about. We both loved to talk to each other. Somebody who could understand me and my research We talked of marriage, more than once. Even went looking at rings. And that was where the hang up was. She had several sisters, all married, one twice already and working on the third marriage, financially and career wise they were all very successful One even had half interest in a vinyard in France and lived there part of the time. When I say rich, it should be spelled RICH All of the sisters, except one, had married into another rich family. The black sheep had chosen a poor boy with just a simple BA. When they first started dating, the family did the best to break them up, and finally she had broken it off with him for about six months. Until by accident they ran into each other at a party, they eloped that night. She had found what she wanted in life, and did not like the suitors who her parents found acceptable. Of all the marriages, theirs was the most stable, after 10 years they were still snuggling on the couch, he took her to church each Sunday, daily he would stop by on the way home from work and visit with her grand parents who were living in a senior care center. He is a super father, totally into loving his wife and kids. But his SIL's and his MIL overlooked all of his great qualities. Instead they are still asking the question. "Did you see the size of the rock on her ring, how embarrasing, how can she stand to be seen in public wearing such a cheap ring?" And they were serious Wonder why I moved on Gallon
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