trisharemore Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 I've been married for 18 years. Last March I discovered he was chatting on line with hundreds(maybe thousands) of women and having webcam/cyber sex with many of them for a great deal of that time. We have been seeing a therapist for months and she has helped a lot, but I still have doubts he has stopped. I have my computer set up with strong protected ware, but I think he is doing it at work-which would make him lose his job if they found out. I am just not sure I can ever trust him again. He seems to be trying/changing-but I am not sure I can get past this. I just searched his name in orkut and found him under his alias. It could be old, but???? Please let me know if you would stay or not-I am broken and feel lost!
Brightmoon Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 I've been married for 18 years. Last March I discovered he was chatting on line with hundreds(maybe thousands) of women and having webcam/cyber sex with many of them for a great deal of that time. We have been seeing a therapist for months and she has helped a lot, but I still have doubts he has stopped. I have my computer set up with strong protected ware, but I think he is doing it at work-which would make him lose his job if they found out. I am just not sure I can ever trust him again. He seems to be trying/changing-but I am not sure I can get past this. I just searched his name in orkut and found him under his alias. It could be old, but???? Please let me know if you would stay or not-I am broken and feel lost! Hundreds? Thousands? Where did he get the time? Sounds like an addiction... Perhaps, it is the wake up call he needed... you finding out... and he really means to change. How did you find out? I understand how lost you must feel, and unable to trust him considering the apparent magnitude of his internet activities. You have to give him the chance to prove his sincerity, don't you?. Hard as that must be...
Author trisharemore Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 Hundreds? Thousands? Where did he get the time? Sounds like an addiction... Perhaps, it is the wake up call he needed... you finding out... and he really means to change. How did you find out? I understand how lost you must feel, and unable to trust him considering the apparent magnitude of his internet activities. You have to give him the chance to prove his sincerity, don't you?. Hard as that must be... [/it had been going on for almost 20 years. He works nights and would stay up late doin it while I and the kids slept or he did it while I was working and the kids were at school. He had lots of time to himself. I stumbled on it on my Net Nanny when I searched the logs. I hope you are right about him meaning to change.....thx for your advice.]
parky-our-zeppelin Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 That's obviously cheating, and I'd divorce him for it, no question.
Hazyhead Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I think that's cheating Trish. He was getting off sexually with other people. Maybe he has stopped, if so you need to figure out if you can move past him doing it in the past. Keep an eye on it to check he isn't still engaging in it. I know it's horrible having to spy, but it might give you the peace of mind you need. Have you tried some of the software you can get to check all that stuff?
Author trisharemore Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 He said he didn't know why he did it-our intimacy was above and beyond and I worked at finding new experiences for both of us. He said it was mostly just to feed his ego and he didn't see it as real-but now he does and seems to have changed, but when you have been lied to for that many years, it is hard to believe anything coming from his mouth. We have 3 children, so that is a consideration. I believe it is cheating, too. Almost ended things last night. I did ask for a divorce-but when the person says they are willing to do whatever you want to make it work, do I ignore it? My main concern is trust. I want to trust him, and yet.....but then again, if I end it, I won't ever trust anyone ever again anyways. I am just terribly confused. I think I'll call my therapist today and see what she can do for me-if anything. Thank you all for your advice. I don't have anyone that I can talk to about this and get open advice.
luvstarved Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Well. I would not like this either. But, when guys do things like this, it usually builds up over time...as they continue to "get away with it". Eventually it becomes a habit, and one that can be very hard to break. It sounds like it got to that point with him before you even knew it was going on. If you let your mind wander to dwell on this, and I know it is very hard not to do, I have a tendency to do the same, you will just sicken yourself over it. After 18 years, and with kids, and considering this activity was not a direct substitute for any sort of sex life with you, I would give both of you a chance to get over it. You have a lot invested. This is for better or worse a very easy thing to access on the internet. It can be very tempting...but it can be something that otherwise does not interfere with your life. Having said that, I do think you have a right to not be subjected to this...you have a right to say that you cannot tolerate him continuing to do it, just as he would have a right to not give it up...in other words, each of you needs to choose what is more important to you and respond accordingly. But you need to give him time to work through it...it sounds like he wants to...if the therapy is helping by all means continue it. If he has an occasional "relapse" try to forgive. But if it reverts to an extent that feels intrusive to your happiness, you need to up the ante and push harder for compliance. I know a lot of people will say, oh it is harmless, leave him alone. I think it is harmless only if you both feel it is harmless. Everyone is entitled to define their own boundaries and dealbreakers. You are, he is. The arguments guys make about how silly women are to be bothered by porn in my mind are seriously undercut by the equal silliness of looking at porn. It is not fair for one party to say, you have to accept my behavior (internet sex activities) but I do not have to accept yours (being bothered by internet sex activities). In the end, everyone has to decide what is most important to them and make their concessions where they must...good luck to you.
dazzle22 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 In my opinion, if you decide to try again with him, and you might want to - you have a lot at stake, you will NEVER really be able to trust him. It will be a one day at a time thing like being married to an alcoholic. I say this because of the DURATION of the deception and the QUANTITY and the SEVERITY-that of actually interacting with real women..
FeelingLonely98 Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 I'm sorry to say this but he is a cheater. 18 years!!! Wow. I am certain if he does this then he would or has had an actual physical affair. Unless you accept it (as in you ar ok to have an "open" marriage) - then I suggest you treat this as you would if he had been caught having mutliple physical affairs over many years. (Would it be ok if he met these same women - or men??? - in private and they each got themselves off without ever touching each the other person? NO!!! It seems different but it is not Trish!!) If this was a new "activity" for him or a 1-time occurrence then that's different - but 18 years?!??!?! WTF ... (what an F'ing cake eater) Proceed with whatever actions you would if found evidence of mutliple ohysical affairs. GOOD LUCK!!
Golfilla Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 18 years is a long time. First of all, OP, YOU need to decide whether or not you consider what he did was cheating. I'm sure people here have their opinions, but really, it's up to you. If you decide you have a problem with it, you might want to consider getting out. If he's been doing it for 18 years, it suggests that he thinks it's fundamentally alright, and he probably isn't going to change. You've also made it clear from your post that you don't trust him, another indication that you might be better off with someone else. BTW, if he was on cyber sex chat rooms, chances are, he was getting off with other men, even if the *thought* they were women. I know that doesn't matter a great deal, but I thought I'd throw it in anyway.
cupidotheblogger Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Internet cheating can actually be very hurtful just as physical cheating can be. If someone is online all of the time and neglecting their partner, then this will at some point cause damage to their relationship as it has yours. If you can forgive and when in counseling, you should talk to your partner about your committment and the boundaries you would like to have when it comes to meeting people online.
ann09 Posted January 7, 2010 Posted January 7, 2010 Yes this is cheating (big time) in my book. Different than looking at porn. When he is chatting with women and getting off from it - he is interacting with real people. Wrong on every level. Do you love him and want to stay married to him? Aside from couples therapy I would recommend you suggest he gets help from this on his own. It could very well be an addiction. If he wants to get help - support him in every way you can.
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