ekt21 Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 So my story is very confusing but i would like some outside opinions please! My ex dumped me in mid june 09 after doing that i went strict nc for about 2 months until the fall semester started. He was the first one to contact me we emailed back and forth then I ended up finding myself in his bed. This cycle has been on and off since we began contact again and every time we have contact i always find myself back in the bed with him. He has told me in a txt message just recently when i asked what are we doing and if we would ever get back together "I like being with you but i'm not ready for anything serious. And it's not that you can never be my girlfriend, I just don't think your ready for a relationship. You still have a lot of growing up to do as a person and you don't have much experience. So no its not all sex for me." I'm still very confused he hasn't really answered my question. I don't know how to just tell myself that all of this isn't right. Why do I keep going back when I know deep down I'm just making it worst for myself. And when we are together it's like we are in a relationship and once we say goodbye I don't hear from here and we never speak only when somebody budges.
LovelyDaze Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 So my story is very confusing but i would like some outside opinions please! My ex dumped me in mid june 09 after doing that i went strict nc for about 2 months until the fall semester started. He was the first one to contact me we emailed back and forth then I ended up finding myself in his bed. This cycle has been on and off since we began contact again and every time we have contact i always find myself back in the bed with him. He has told me in a txt message just recently when i asked what are we doing and if we would ever get back together "I like being with you but i'm not ready for anything serious. And it's not that you can never be my girlfriend, I just don't think your ready for a relationship. You still have a lot of growing up to do as a person and you don't have much experience. So no its not all sex for me." I'm still very confused he hasn't really answered my question. I don't know how to just tell myself that all of this isn't right. Why do I keep going back when I know deep down I'm just making it worst for myself. And when we are together it's like we are in a relationship and once we say goodbye I don't hear from here and we never speak only when somebody budges. Sorry, like a lot of our exes..you are now what is called a default girlfriend. He KNOWS you will let him in whenever he feels up to it. What a low down thing to think of. But my ex is the same way. He wants me to be there after his tour overseas "just in case" he dumps his fiance'. And yes, he said that to my face. Humiliating. Stop cold turkey with the ex-sex. Try not answering his call for ONE day. If you must, return it the next but train yourself not to be available at his beck and call. Don't worry that he will "lose interest", he already has! Show him what you are really made of. My GOD, it is tough to do. My ex came over begging for me to come back even though he hadn't changed one bit. I said no. I had too. I don't need to be brokenhearted even worse no matter how much love I still have for him. Your ex should be dead to you. Let him go as if he really is physically gone. In that case, you have NO choice but to move on with your life. DO what's good for you, not him. Because you and I know he doesn't deserve it.
TaraMaiden Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 So my story is very confusing but i would like some outside opinions please! My ex dumped me in mid june 09 after doing that i went strict nc for about 2 months until the fall semester started. He was the first one to contact me we emailed back and forth then I ended up finding myself in his bed. This cycle has been on and off since we began contact again and every time we have contact i always find myself back in the bed with him. This must be very disconcerting for you... you look, and look, and then - wow, fancy that! Whaddya know? there you were all the time, how about that - ?? It must be a shock to lose you for a while, and then find yourself again, in a completely different place to where you left you, and in bed with a guy..... That sounded really dumb didn't it? It sounded just as dumb as you saying that 'you found yourself in bed with him'.... This sounds as if you're just surprised by your own actions, and therefore, you aren't claiming or accepting any responsibility for them. Stop using projection language, and say - "we ended up having sex, and we both wanted it, and we both took part, and I wanted it as much as he did." it's far more honest, and a lot closer to the truth. He has told me ... "I like being with you but i'm not ready for anything serious. And it's not that you can never be my girlfriend, I just don't think your ready for a relationship. You still have a lot of growing up to do as a person and you don't have much experience. So no its not all sex for me." I'm still very confused he hasn't really answered my question. Yes he has. he's basically told you he thinks you're too immature and juvenile to have a relationship with, and that it might happen in the future, but right now, you're just a bit of fun to have sex with. It is ALL sex for him, right now. Nothing confusing there, at all.... You are what's known as a FWB. A 'Friend With Benefits'. Good for a laugh, and good for a phukk. That's about it. I don't know how to just tell myself that all of this isn't right. here, let me show you. Read the above bit again. That should do it.... Why do I keep going back when I know deep down I'm just making it worst for myself. And when we are together it's like we are in a relationship and once we say goodbye I don't hear from here and we never speak only when somebody budges. because you want a relationship, he doesn't. But you think that if you keep giving in to the sexual urges, at one time or another, he'll come round to it. Dream on. he's never going to do that. he will enter into a relationship one day. Just not with you. And when he does, he won't even be around for the sex. so if I were you, I'd move on, before that happens.
Author ekt21 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 thanks for all that. Of course he isn't going to tell me its for the sex right then he'll end up hurting me again but come on' he doesn't want to do that again. but he keeps me there saying its not like you can't be my girlfriend..just to make me feel a little better about this.
TaraMaiden Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 There are names for this kind of behaviour, like yanking your chain, feeding you breadcrumbs, and keeping you dangling.... That's what he's doing. "Tell her something she might like to hear, without actually committing to anything, that way she can't back me into a corner, I leave myself an exit, but get to insert my dick between her spread legs and make her think I'm wonderful". Yech. Take a look deep inside yourself. No, deeper than that..... Deeper..... Keep going....... Oh you're not even half way there..... Keep going..... Come on, dig! I know it's dark and pitch black and you can't see your hand in front of your nose.... Keep going anyway.... Aaaaah.... Nearly there..... See it? That's where your dignity is. Now pick it up, come back up, and put it on.
Author ekt21 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 I just can't say no to myself. I can go without talking to him then wonders back into myself and I get dragged in. I tell myself I have to power but it never fails. I want him to just tell me yes we are fwb but no he doesn't.
TaraMaiden Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 So you're beating your bare forehead against a solid brick wall until your head bleeds and the pain is unbearable... then you come back and do it again. Interesting. So, how's that working for you? All you have to do is choose to stop. It's very simple. Short, sweet and a single syllable. Repeat after me.... "No."
Author ekt21 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 yup, pretty much i keep banging my head again and again. And i still dont get it. I just can't seem to think how can somebody clam to care for you yet do this?
TaraMaiden Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Because - it - gets - him - results. That's why. If I were to ask him, "So, how's that working for you?" Well...you can imagine his answer, can't you? Quite apart from the grin on his face.
Author ekt21 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 He told me that its not all for the sex and he doesn't only like to hangout with me..its? he doesnt know what he wants. So if should literally ask him " so how's that working for you"
TaraMaiden Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 You're not getting it. it doesn't matter how many times you ask him, or what you ask him. He will give the answers he thinks you want to hear. He will never state the truth, because either he doesn't see it himself, or because actually, it's too brutal and cruel and makes him sound like a jerk. Stop looking to him for justification, answers, satisfaction or fulfilment. there's only one person who can give you that, together with purpose in life - and that's you. Stop treating yourself like 5h1t, because otherwise, it's clearance for him to do likewise.
Zeegagge Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Save yourself for someone worthwhile. Go out some. Meet some people, find a guy who deserves what you have to offer.
Author ekt21 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 thank you this new year im going to do it. break free and actually move on for once. Its a bit hard when i do see him around campus quite often. He even told me when i was in nc mode that why are you ignoring me and so forth. i dont have to prove or justify anything to him
TaraMaiden Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 He even told me when i was in nc mode that why are you ignoring me and so forth. Answer: "Because you're not good for me, or worth my while. If I'm ignoring you, it's for my benefit, not yours. Now take the hint, push off and leave me alone."
LovelyDaze Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Exactly what everyone is saying. Your ex makes you "feel" good but he ISN'T good for you. He is getting all the goods without the benefit of forming a healthy, honest relationship with you. Keep walking past him on campus. You don't owe him an explanation why you won't give into him anymore. People like him are piranhas. They seek the meek and devour them for their own pleasure. He doesn't care about your heart, which is a precious commodity. You deserve someone who truly values you for everything you have to offer...not just a "portion" of it.
Author ekt21 Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 Its been way to long for this to be dragging on. We broke up in mid june over a text message, how lame right. yet i give this kid the time of day still. when am i ever gonna realize that he isn't good for me. as everyone says you need to be ready to let him go..is that true?
HLP234 Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 If he broke up with you and you are still hanging on to him then you know that you have to go NC if you don't want it to drag on. Perhaps he is not finding anyone else and that is why he keep in contact with you. I dunno how you can deal with it, but the pain only gets worse if you just keep letting them play around after they leave you..I can't handle it because the same thing's happened to me to some extent.
Author ekt21 Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 how long have you've been letting it drag on for? cause for me i think its way to long. I go from not talking to him for at least a month then he contacts me and its begins all over again. It's hard!
HLP234 Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Well my situation is a little different. After moving here closer to me to finish school and get away from her home area..she decides she has a connection with this new best friend that she's been talking to. She's only known him for a couple of months and known me for 5 years, but we've only dated for about 4 months. So she decided she wanted a break and it started in November, its now January and she's still at home during winter break. Neither of us has said anything to each other except a few weeks ago. So for me its been dragging on for about a month and half now. I don't like the situation because she thinks everything is alright and doesn't realize she hurt me, but she has. For her, she's getting the time and space she wanted..while also spending time with this friend. While I sit here and just try to move on myself but I'm not in any mood to find anyone else. I would just continue NC, stay away from facebook and all that stuff...it only hurts when you see what they are posting on there. Someone wrote something on there about me hanging out with a lot of girls and I think she saw it..the next day she removed me from her top friends on myspace lol. Didn't even say anything to me and neither did I say anything to her. She's coming back soon, I found out through facebook but she has not told me personally she is back so I'm just going to continue NC and truly if she says anything to me, I really have no words for her and if it gets to the point where it just annoys me to no end, I will just tell her I can't communicate with her any longer since I need to heal. Sorry for the long post, but just so you see its quite different..he broke up with you and he keeps coming back, whereas for me she left me and leaves me no option for communicating with her about any problems. When we started the break, I would do NC and she would keep texting me, not for anything particular just random talk and to see how or what I was doing. For me, this is dragging on and I see it pointless because when I try and talk about us she doesn't want to. If he is avoiding talking to you about your situation and just contacts you when he wants to, than you should really just move on and try to let him know you can't go on like this. Either tell him this or just do NC without saying anything, you should not feel bad about ignoring and going NC if he is the one that left you.
Author ekt21 Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 Oh yeah i deleted him off my facebook the day after he dumped me! My ex is the type of person who doesn't speak his feelings nor lets anyone in as easily cause his past. So it's really hard for us to communicate and I'm always left in the dust on things. Its difficult. I've done nc for about 2 1/2 months then school started up again so of course run in's on campus and we do have a lot of mutual friends. but he always comes back for more and finds nothing wrong with it.
HLP234 Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Its hard with school especially. I think part of the reason I'm so torn over it is because it happened at a critical time of my senior year of college. I was the lead developer/manager for a few projects and everyone was on my ass..it was already stressful and then this break thing had to happen. Made it completely hard to focus and when I needed consolation the most from her I never got it because this happened. I don't know how I made it through without letting my team down but I did. Normally I would felt really accomplished but when the semester ended I didn't even care. I'm really not looking forward to her being back here because I dunno what will happen since I can't find the words to even say anything.
Author ekt21 Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 We were together my entire freshman - half of sophmore year. And of course it did mess up with my grades and studying. But its all so hard to do. I saw him around campus every week since his class was next door at the same time! err! I don't know how to tell myself to stop going to see him and having ex sex!
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