carhill Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 My BF puts up with a lot of my actions and he won't ever react. But the other day we were out doing groceries and he was getting annoyed that I was taking too long. I ignored his pleas to "hurry it up" because I didn't think he was that annoyed. Well he got mad, reacted and actually raised his voice to me in public. I listened, I left the store and apologized. He took his balls back, so to speak and I respected that. I was not trying to control, I just was! Thanks for that example. I actually observed a similar dynamic with my bf and his W. He just calmly said 'we need to go now', as there was somewhere else we needed to be, and proceeded to walk out of the store. His W knew he'd leave her there to enjoy shopping while we took care of already committed business so she had a choice whether to stay or go. He wasn't irritated that she was neglecting an agreed upon commitment. He was independently being positive in keeping that commitment irrespective of her feelings or actions of the moment. Late in our M, I did this a few times when out with my stbx and her girlfriends and found it to be similarly successful. I merely made her and them aware of my choice and proceeded without solicitation of input or concern of opinion. No scenes; no anger. Getting to the 'no anger' part was truly the work; separating the impetus for that anger, generally hurt, out of the dynamic, and learning to not take the response personally, as a reflection of self. Acceptance
Woggle Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Sexist. Your attitude towards women is quite disturbing, especially considering your wife, by your posts, seems to be such a good person. I feel she is one of the rare good ones and there are others like her but many women will betray a man in a heartbeat if given the chance.
hollywood undead Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 (edited) I feel she is one of the rare good ones and there are others like her but many women will betray a man in a heartbeat if given the chance. As will many men if given the chance. So it evens out. I really think that most men cannot control themselves and are pre-disposed to cheating. I think ALL men lust after other women, even after they are married, or should I say especially when they are married. It is just programmed into their DNA to want variety and spread their seed around. Basically almost ALL men would cheat if they could get away with it and if the woman was attractive. Lots of married men have affairs, seeks out prostitutes and escorts. I am very cynical and jaded nowadays. When I see old couples, I think that the husband probably cheated on his wife loads of times when he was younger. I think that there is an ulterior motive behind everything, so I don't find it touching if a guy buys his girlfriend roses or something like that... It just makes me think, "he's probably doing it because he wants sex, or he's guilty about something he did, like banging another woman on the side or having an affair". Basically I feel like you can't trust anyone anymore and since I want to be the ONLY ONE in my man's world and want a man's attentions to be focused only on me, all his energy and affections have to be towards me, and no one else, I feel the best solution is to just live alone and die alone forever. Edited January 2, 2010 by hollywood undead
HeyThere Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I am very cynical and jaded nowadays. When I see old couples, I think that the husband probably cheated on his wife loads of times when he was younger. I think that there is an ulterior motive behind everything, so I don't find it touching if a guy buys his girlfriend roses or something like that... It just makes me think, "he's probably doing it because he wants sex, or he's guilty about something he did, like banging another woman on the side or having an affair". Basically I feel like you can't trust anyone anymore and since I want to be the ONLY ONE in my man's world and want a man's attentions to be focused only on me, all his energy and affections have to be towards me, and no one else, I feel the best solution is to just live alone and die alone forever. Ouch. You write with many generalizations and much pain. I hope you are able to trust yourself and the man you’re with. Have you considered therapy? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Card carrying member of CRAP – Citizens Resisting Acronym Proliferation
RedDevil66 Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Ouch. You write with many generalizations and much pain. I hope you are able to trust yourself and the man you’re with. Have you considered therapy? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Card carrying member of CRAP – Citizens Resisting Acronym Proliferation I don't think she needs therapy, she's bang on! What would she say in therapy? Help me believe the world is something it's not?! reality stings!
Woggle Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I have never cheated on a woman in my life and that is not because of lack of opportunity. I have thought about being a player and using women but despite all my talk I don't have it in me to treat people like that. Men who treat women like this have much better lives than men like me. On the other hand I have been betrayed by every woman I have trusted except for my current wife and it has made me very mistrusting of the female gender. Women claim to want a faithful loving man who will treat them special but as soon as they get it they get bored and do something to mess up the relationship.
HeyThere Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Dear RedDevil66, My social circle is not filled with men and women who mistrust and disrespect each other. Is my social network perfect, absolutely not; some are a bit self absorbed, obsessed with finances, obsessed in general, obsessed with physical appearance, children issues, whipped issues, …infidelity and trust are not concerns or topics that come up frequently. We do have some friends that are divorced and infidelity was a contributing factor, however that is the exception rather than the rule. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Card carrying member of CRAP – Citizens Resisting Acronym Proliferation
Mary3 Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Most married men I know pretty much bend over backwards for their wives who couldn't care less about them. The wives complain about everything under the sun and the men cut off their balls trying to please them which never happens. I also know of marriages where the man has the upper hand. In fact the only equal marriages I know of are mine and a few friends. Balance is the key. Sex for favors or rewards is a huge NO ! I know you didn't suggest that. Sex should be because you both love intimacy and the closeness ..not to mention how incredible it feels...
hopeful1980 Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Balance is the key. Sex for favors or rewards is a huge NO ! I know you didn't suggest that. Sex should be because you both love intimacy and the closeness ..not to mention how incredible it feels... I'd buy that if it weren't for the fact that most sexually active women don't have orgasms regurlarly if at all. If you aren't satisfied sexually, then sex is a trade off.
hollywood undead Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Women claim to want a faithful loving man who will treat them special but as soon as they get it they get bored and do something to mess up the relationship. Men claim to want a loving loyal woman, but as soon as they get it they get bored with just one woman for the rest of their lives and turn to porn, strippers and lust after other women which messes up the relationship.
HeyThere Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Men claim to want a loving loyal woman, but as soon as they get it they get bored with just one woman for the rest of their lives and turn to porn, strippers and lust after other women which messes up the relationship. Negativity breeds negativity. Do you love yourself, because you hate ½ of the people on the planet. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Card carrying member of CRAP – Citizens Resisting Acronym Proliferation
sally4sara Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Not meaning to bash wives or anything, but I am finding this to be a common trend lately...in fact, I had to go seek out new friendships and let past ones dissolves due to this issue. With city married couples...it's probably not as bad. Any feedback on this? It this normal or unhealthy? Every now and then, I will notice something happen in a friend's relationship that I am glad to not have happen in my own relationship. I use to be concerned for the friend and wonder if they were happy or being taken advantage of..... But then one day one of my friends, after my SO had sauntered off elsewhere, asked me if I am happy and mentioned they didn't like something about my relationship they had just witnessed. I was stunned. I am very happy and the thing that they disapproved of was so dumb to me that it would bother them. Be careful how you judge the littlle slices of other peoples' lives you witness. You need to understand that they are not you and will not have your standards. You might take that little slice and act on it in a way that offends their spouse and confuses your friend. You might even lose your friendship over it. That little slice you see that makes you pity them also keeps you from knowing who they really are and what makes them tick. For yourself though, if you can't deal with a little annoyance - you shouldn't get married. My SO is all kinds of awesome but HOLY HELL can he work my last good nerve now and then!
dazzle22 Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 I think that there are many women who are whipped too, but we just call them a different name: "emotionally abused"... And I think generally the type of person who stays with someone domineering of either sex ends up in such relationships not by accident. Usually the women come from families with verbally abusive fathers, or alcoholics, and the men also come from families where someone was bossing them around, usually their mothers, but could be father too (as in my brother). They then subconsciously seek out relationships where the dynamic is "similar" to what they grew up with, it feels "right". It is why certain women are drawn to "bad boys" and it leaves the good guys mystified. She has to find "dear old dad"...it's a fit to what she is used to. That is why it rarely does any good to point this out to such a friend - it is what they grew up with, their personality has been shaped as a complement to such a person... It is why you see great guys marrying such women and everyone wonders.."what does he see in her? I wouldn't last one week with her without coming to blows..." Other people who did not grow up with such a dysfunction will see that within a few dates and be GONE. However, they find someone with a complementary dysfunction of another kind...(I know, sounds cynical, but I rarely see an exception.) I have come to believe what attracts us to other people is they have complementary dysfunctions that "fit us" well. Now, this of course does NOT apply to all you well adjusted people out there from "functional families" , so no need to provide examples to contradict this...ha!...
HeyThere Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 I think that there are many women who are whipped too, but we just call them a different name: "emotionally abused"... Why is it that men who are dominated in their relationship are called whipped and when the genders are reversed its called abuse. Call a spade a spade. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” -- Eleanor Roosevelt ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Card carrying member of CRAP – Citizens Resisting Acronym Proliferation
dazzle22 Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Don't know. Likely though, guys came up with the term "whipped" to describe their buddies, whereas the "emotional abuse" term has come out of recovery therapy. Nonetheless, it is emotional abuse too.
Golfilla Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 What is it about this word "compromise"? Why is it considered a virtue in relationships when it's so poorly regarded in every other aspect of life? When we hear talk of people compromising their beliefs or principles, it's usually considered in a negative context, yet when people are compromising for the sake of a relationship, it's somehow considered to be a positive thing. Are we expected to suddenly compromise on our beliefs, passions and principles just because we get married? It might explain why the divorce rate is constantly increasing while the marriage rate is constantly declining. As far as I'm concerned, the more a person needs to compromise in a relationship, the more likely it is that they are with the wrong person. This applies whether you're a man or a woman, and whether you're dating a man or a woman. I think the reason people become "whipped" is because they simply got involved with the wrong person, and instead of just walking away and finding someone on the same page, they're hanging around and trying to "make it work". This, of course, is usually a complete waste of time. Either the other person loses respect for the doormat and leaves, or the doormat wakes up one morning years into the future and thinks about all the opportunities that have passed them by. In my case, I have decided that I will never get into a serious relationship with anyone who does not have similar beliefs, interests and hobbies to myself. They don't have to be exactly the same, but they should be on the same page. I don't want someone hanging around with me because they feel obligated, or because they're doing it "for me". I want someone to come with me because they want to be there, regardless of my presence. If this selection criteria means that I'm single and doing these things alone forever, I'm prepared to accept that without complaint. I've tried dating people who are totally different where the relationship needs compromise to survive. Invariably, one partner (quite often both) ends up losing, and that really defeats the whole purpose of being in a relationship at all. I've been there and done that, and have no intention of going through that aggravation again.
dazzle22 Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Golfilla, I take it then that a non"Golf"er would be a dealbreaker?
Golfilla Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Golfilla, I take it then that a non"Golf"er would be a dealbreaker? I never thought of my moniker that way, it was just something I shamelessly stole from an email address from years ago. Truth is, I haven't played golf in years, and I basically sucked even when I was playing regularly.
JanetD Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 *Pussy whipped* When I was in college, adolescent males would use this phrase to insult other males. Why do adult males continue to use it?
Blindsidedagainalive Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Most men I know just don't want to deal with the passive aggressive bull****. So, although a man may prefer to hang out with a friend on a given night, he knows he will have to 'pay' in some way. So, they stay home to avoid the attitude they will receive. This is a control issue. The woman punishes the man for not paying attention. Beware though...too much attention and they feel smothered. My friends wives are EXTREMELY jealous of me. I have shown nothing but respect for them. However, because I make my friends laugh, and they can talk to me, and like to hang out with me.....they don't like me. It is and endless need for validation and attention....due to low self esteem and abandonment issues. What woman don't realize is they push their men away FURTHER by doing this. Eventually, the man gets sick of it and disrespects their significaant other. Then, they simply want to escape. Woman should embrace a man's independence, interests, and friends. Provided they are safe and healthy habits. Naturally, it is completely understandable for the wife to be angry if the man is gambling or drinking or the like.
HeyThere Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 (edited) JanetD, It is a derogatory comment as carhill points out some examples and still very much in use today. It is directed primarily at the man for his lack of “standing up for himself”, but also includes the woman in a similar negative manner of emasculating and manipulating him. I’m unaware of a slang negative term for the female who is dominated by her man, who would be referred to as a “prick”. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” -- Eleanor Roosevelt ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Card carrying member of CRAP – Citizens Resisting Acronym Proliferation Edited January 3, 2010 by HeyThere
carhill Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 When I was in college, adolescent males would use this phrase to insult other males. Why do adult males continue to use it? The 'urban dictionary' I pulled the verbiage and examples from is likely published by college males I saw lots of examples of the behavior as a young person but never felt such pejorative terms (for men or women) were appropriate. I figured, if the guy didn't like where he was, he'd leave. Getting married helped me understand the dynamic a bit better.
HeyThere Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 *Pussy whipped* When your woman has removed your balls and then filled the sack with a LoJack to track your every move!! It's when you ask your friend to come out with you, but he has to go with his girlfriend to a craft show just so he can get some poon tang afterwards. (1) adj - situation whereupon a male is undeniably at the mercy of his high-maintenance girlfriend & answers to her every beck and call, usually followed by the reprioritizing of girlfriend over friends, family, school, food, water, and air. (2) adj - making decisions based on the incentive of sex 0------ The last is key, especially where the dynamic of sexual intimacy and love has been conditioned upon specific responses. As everything is with women, it is never blatant and in-your-face, but rather subtle and often almost imperceptible as a methodology. For example, if I irritate my wife by talking to farmer Joe in the driveway for too long, irrespective of lack of other commitments, and she lets that irritation/annoyance impede intimacy and affection that is otherwise appropriate to the M, she is conditioning me to react in a certain way based on how it makes her feel, regardless of the health or balance of those feelings. It's simple manipulation. If I annoy her, I am denied love and affection. If I let her do that over time, I become pussy whipped. This is where having firm boundaries, other options, and not being afraid of going it alone benefits one. A healthy mix of love and caring less. There are dynamics which reverse the genders but we're talking about whipped men here and the dynamics of and motivations for that psychology. carhill, you spent an entire post here explaining it and then when asked about it you seem the need to apologize for it. Am I missing something?
carhill Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Sure, I can see other's perspectives without necessarily accepting them as my own. The same process applies to language. Here, I don't agree with the language used in the urban dictionary, but my life experience agrees with the gist of the perspective. I just explained it in different words.
Mary3 Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 I'd buy that if it weren't for the fact that most sexually active women don't have orgasms regurlarly if at all. If you aren't satisfied sexually, then sex is a trade off. Many women don't have orgasms during sex and need to get some extra manual stimulation. But sex is not always about orgasms. Its about the closeness. And just because she does not orgasm does not mean she is not enjoying the feeling of being made love to...
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