How many men are whipped?

[b52s]

Not meaning to bash wives or anything, but I am finding this to be a common trend lately...in fact, I had to go seek out new friendships and let past ones dissolves due to this issue.

 

OR....are they really whipped? Or the husbands actually want to spend their time joined at the hip with their sig other?

 

For instance, there's this 30 something married couple, married for about 4 years now....we have had an opportunity to see the opening of Wolverine...our "troupe" of friends were all looking forward to seeing this flick.

 

One of the guys couldn't make it because his wife would be getting home after work when he would be away if he did go to the movies with us.

 

And I'm thinking, "She doesn't have a key to let herself in? LOL"

 

Either he WANTS to be home when she gets home from work, or.......he feels obligated or "Whipped" to be there when she gets home.

 

I just find this kind of behavior odd...and he's really into these kind of movies. And everything they do, they do together....but I figured he could make an exception from time to time, and join us for a flick for a couple of hours...and then go home to his wife....which he chose not to.

 

A couple of other married guys I knew always had to "see if their wife had anything planned for that night"

 

I'd ask him if he'd want to hang out, grab dinner on Fri night....and he'd say, "Well, gotta see what the wife's got planned..."

 

Eventually this phrase got repetitive, and thus that's why I sought out friends. .....single ones...or friends who had sig. others or spouses that didn't henpeck them or whip them.

 

I know a guy who was talking to my dad out in the driveway.....if they talked for too long (at least by his wife's standards), she'd call him through the door, "<his naaaaaameee.....we need to get ready for the so and sooooooo>" Even though it would be well a few hours off and would'nt really require much time to get ready for.

 

It's situations like these that kinda make me glad I'm single....lol,...but I dunno...educate me on this.

 

ALSO...it MIGHT have something to do with geographic location, I notice in smaller cities.....esp rural areas....spouses only do things with each other....esp if they have kids.....it's like they never leave the house or something.

 

With city married couples...it's probably not as bad.

 

Any feedback on this? It this normal or unhealthy?

[Woggle]

Most married men are.

[allhopelost]

 

Any feedback on this? It this normal or unhealthy?

Normal or unhealthy for who?

The prioritizing of domestic responsibilities is not being "whipped".

Face it, you are not as high up on your friends totem pole as their wives.

I think a fairer question would be why does it bother you? Do they have something in their lives that you covet?

I personally find it odd that you think this is odd/unhealthy behavior for married men.

My $0.02

[b52s]

Normal or unhealthy for who?

The prioritizing of domestic responsibilities is not being "whipped".

Face it, you are not as high up on your friends totem pole as their wives.

I think a fairer question would be why does it bother you? Do they have something in their lives that you covet?

I personally find it odd that you think this is odd/unhealthy behavior for married men.

My $0.02

 

 

I'm not sure why you find this odd....There's nothing in their lives that I covet at all.

 

Actually, I'm asking that if this is unhealthy or not. Perhaps I'm wrong thinking there's something unhealthy about it, but I just want to confirm my thoughts on this.

 

I just wish to be educated in what is considered healthy or unhealthy when it comes to couples.

[carhill]

I think it's healthy to prioritize the M. I think it's unhealthy to prioritize it to the exclusion of other healthy pursuits and relationships. This is an area where men could do well to learn from women. Watch how they manage their relationships. I've found it very instructive. If a woman doesn't like looking into that mirror, then she's not the one for you (the man).

 

No matter the impetus, any time a relationship becomes substantially out of balance, it bears scrutiny. Catch it too late and it's gone.

 

IMO, superficially, with the examples provided in the OP, those M's bore scrutiny. I'm pretty 'joined at the hip' when married but no way would I tolerate that kind of treatment, especially in public. Do you think a woman would?

[quankanne]

which he chose not to.

 

and there you go: It's his decision to do what he wants, and in this case, his marital relationship comes first. My guess is that over time, he'll lapse back into his selfish ways – as will she – so you really have nothing to fret about.

 

in my experience, most men AREN'T whipped, because they don't like the idea of giving up independence. However, there are many from that group who understand that to be in a relationship is to put the marriage above individual interests because he's now part of a two-some.

[HeyThere]

Normal and unhealthy?

 

We are in social situations were the husband is most definitely whipped – nice guy syndrome – wife calls the shots. My wife and I laugh about it when we see them. Neither my wife nor I do anything individual with the respective member spouse of that couple.

 

The guys that I socialize with individually are not henpecked and the henpecked ones are not interested in my hobbies of summer weekend hiking and camping.

 

If my wife was haranguing me (which she doesn’t) for something insignificant such as talking too long, I’d give her the evil eye.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Card carrying member of CRAP – Citizens Resisting Acronym Proliferation

[HeyThere]

Most married men are.

 

In your opinion.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Card carrying member of CRAP – Citizens Resisting Acronym Proliferation

[dazzle22]

Part of becoming a couple is learning how to negotiate time together and time alone and with other people. I am a woman, just so you know my perspective, and yes, I think women do this a bit more than men, because their lives very much revolve around their close relationships and family first, and men seem to have the ability to compartmentalize and go from one compartment to the other more easily. (Now don't someone jump down my throat just because I notice an obvious difference between men and women. Some people are so SENSITIVE on this board!)

 

For example, I pretty much lost my relationship with my brother over the years because his wife "manages" him, and wouldn't even allow me to have a lunch alone one time with my brother when I came 3000 miles home to visit family! I just wanted to catch up and talk to him alone a bit, but it was not "allowed". But then, he should have "manned up" on this but he never does so he perpetuates the problem he has..

 

You think it is bad now....wait til these friends have KIDS. My God, people these days are so kid-centric. Perhaps we didn't get enough attention as kids, but our generation goes overboard the other way.. Their entire lives revolve around all these kid activities and the women especially - many of their minds seem to turn to mush. I was at a party with two of my women friends, also very successful career women who have just had kids, and all they could talk about was the bodily functions and secretions and mundane things their kids were doing. Like their minds had been "snatched" by oxytocin. So, I'd say, get used to it. It gets worse...

[HeyThere]

You dazzle me…”Like their minds had been "snatched" by oxytocin. So, I'd say, get used to it. It gets worse... ” LOL (opps - I used an acronym)

 

For differences between the sexes; check out The Tale of Two Brains with Mark Gungor on YouTube – funny.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Card carrying member of CRAP – Citizens Resisting Acronym Proliferation

[sonicranger]

Part of becoming a couple is learning how to negotiate time together and time alone and with other people. I am a woman, just so you know my perspective, and yes, I think women do this a bit more than men, because their lives very much revolve around their close relationships and family first, and men seem to have the ability to compartmentalize and go from one compartment to the other more easily. (Now don't someone jump down my throat just because I notice an obvious difference between men and women. Some people are so SENSITIVE on this board!)

 

For example, I pretty much lost my relationship with my brother over the years because his wife "manages" him, and wouldn't even allow me to have a lunch alone one time with my brother when I came 3000 miles home to visit family! I just wanted to catch up and talk to him alone a bit, but it was not "allowed". But then, he should have "manned up" on this but he never does so he perpetuates the problem he has..

 

You think it is bad now....wait til these friends have KIDS. My God, people these days are so kid-centric. Perhaps we didn't get enough attention as kids, but our generation goes overboard the other way.. Their entire lives revolve around all these kid activities and the women especially - many of their minds seem to turn to mush. I was at a party with two of my women friends, also very successful career women who have just had kids, and all they could talk about was the bodily functions and secretions and mundane things their kids were doing. Like their minds had been "snatched" by oxytocin. So, I'd say, get used to it. It gets worse...

 

 

 

Wow. Really WOW!

 

I must say that from your perspective, as a woman, viewed in my shoes, as a man, you are SPOT on, generally speaking. Of course there are ALWAYS unique cases.

 

Now obviously, something went "wrong" in my marriage or I wouldn't be divorced. However I believe that we had a lot of things "right" when it came to how we managed our daily lives, the household, etc.

 

I often laugh when I hear married guys, or even those in serious relationships about "asking" permission to do something. About their balls being in a jar on top of the fridge.

 

 

I suppose most of those men and women never really have significant conversations about their "relationship". Men typically get defensive and aggressive when questioned about any such matters. Women get too chatty and demanding thus causing men to get angry and shut down emotionally.

 

 

Just my $.02 as well.

 

 

 

 

So, back to the main question. Men can choose to be whipped or not. Women can do a better job of treating their man, like a man. Of course all that really matters is if everyone is happy.

[eeyore1981]

I don't know where you people live, but around here, it is exactly the opposite.

 

Most of the women I know move heaven and earth to be home when their H gets there, no matter where their H is coming home from. The H goes out with his friends and he has to be home when he gets home, while the wife goes out with her friends and has to be home when the H is going to be home.

 

I have one friend who is on the extreme side. Her H is retired, and she still works. He will go out with friends for days or weeks at a time, and she feels she must be home when he comes in. She also does all the housework, all the cooking, and helps with the outside stuff. Crazy, if you ask me.

 

My H also expected this of me, basically, he could go where he wanted when he wanted, while I was supposed to keep the home fires burning. He got away with this quite a bit when the kids were little, even though we fought about it a lot. There was very little girls night out for me, and I found his attitude very hypocritical.

 

Anyway, what is the term when the woman is the one taking care of all the responsibilities while the guy does whatever he wants.

 

And getting a little OT, something else my H did that really ticked me off was taking credit for everything. We both worked the same hours and both made the same amount of money, but if we took a trip, somehow he provided the trip for us, if we bought a big money item, he provided it for us, etc.

[threebyfate]

How did you draw your conclusions from two anecdoetal incidents?

 

Guy #1 - It's possible he didn't want to hang out with you guys, so he used the wife as an excuse. It's also possible they discussed seeing the movie together. Almost anything is possible...

 

Guy #2 - It's possible the man and his wife have an agreement, that if, no offense, a talkative neighbor jaws either one of their ears off, the other gives them an out.

 

My H. and I share an online calendar, so we don't end up doubling up invitations or messing up social engagements. This way, neither has to ask the other, if there are prior plans since we can both access it through our cell phones or computers.

 

What I have noticed, is that there are a lot of married men who depend on their wives to maintain their social calendars. It's their own fault they're perceived as being whipped, since they're too lazy to do it themselves.

[b52s]

How did you draw your conclusions from two anecdoetal incidents?

 

Guy #1 - It's possible he didn't want to hang out with you guys, so he used the wife as an excuse. It's also possible they discussed seeing the movie together. Almost anything is possible...

 

Guy #2 - It's possible the man and his wife have an agreement, that if, no offense, a talkative neighbor jaws either one of their ears off, the other gives them an out.

 

My H. and I share an online calendar, so we don't end up doubling up invitations or messing up social engagements. This way, neither has to ask the other, if there are prior plans since we can both access it through our cell phones or computers.

 

What I have noticed, is that there are a lot of married men who depend on their wives to maintain their social calendars. It's their own fault they're perceived as being whipped, since they're too lazy to do it themselves.

 

 

I know I can't draw conclusions from those incidents, that's why I'm finding out from here how it is with you ladies/gents.

[dazzle22]

There are always going to be examples of both sexes being overbearing and bossy to their partners of course. Perhaps one should look at the person who is allowing themselves to be dictated to, and ask why they put up with it and don't set a boundary.

 

Likely has to do with how they were raised. If they were a 2nd or last born, or had a parent that was always bossing them around, they likely will pick a partner who "fits" that comfortably pattern, even if it is dysfunctional. My father was terribly overbearing - I chose to rebel, but my brother always capitulated, so now he has a wife to whom he aquiesces all the time. In 25 years, I have never spent one Xmas or Thanksgiving day with them, because her "side" always gets those days, and my family gets the scraps of time left over, but my brother totally puts up with it. She has his balls in a little canister on a shelf and she lets him hold them every once and a while for a few minutes, but only if he gives them back. Ha!

 

Probably no surprise then, that my mom is an example of a woman who is also totally dictated to. She "scurries about" like a little neurotic squirrel after my dad, catering to him and doing everything when and how he likes. Reminds me of that commercial with the big bull dog walking down the sidewalk with the little chihuahua sidekick dancing around him. So both sides of the coin...

[alphamale]

Any feedback on this? It this normal or unhealthy?

before marriage the man usually has the upper hand, after marriage the woman has the upper hand.

 

women know this instinctually and thats why they are continually pushing for marriage. and once kids come along hubbie just becomes another piece of furniture with a salary...

[hopeful1980]

Well, there has to be some sort of give and take in a marriage. I find it refreshing when a man takes the plans of his wife into consideration before making his own plans. Certianly, most women think of what their husbands are doing prior to making their own plans.

 

Whenever I go out with my married girlfriend, it's an unspoken rule that we will go whenever our husbands are unavailable to spend time with us. Like when our husbands are watching the football game is the prefect time for us to make arrangements.

 

I expect the same from my man. I'm not asking him to give me any more consideration than I give him. I don't call that whipped. Whipped is when any one person feels they have to ask permission to have a life outside the marriage. Checking with your spouse before you make plans without them is common courtesy.

[dazzle22]

I think there are bossy domineering spouses of both sexes who are pretty sly about keeping their "whips and chains" in hiding before they nab the poor sap or girl with a wedding vow. Then the dictator slowly starts to show his/her face, subtely at first, then much more boldly as they are enboldened by the spouse's lack of boundary setting.

 

I have to say I pity a lot of men who get talked into having kids though...So many of these women turn into sexless "mothers" who lose their own identity, forget their man, and spend their days driving their spoiled kids to 9 different stupid extra curricular events. And heaven forbid they are not there to watch every one of the 100 little league "whatever" sports. I am a bit on a soap box on this issue because I am sooo p.ssed at my girlfriends who have turned into Stepford "mothers" lately! . And all they can post on their Facebooks anymore is some inane cr..p about potty training or daycare or other god awful boring stuff.

 

One of my friends is only 6 wks pregnant for god's sake, and she is alreadly playing music for it close to her belly. The fetus doesn't even have ears yet! And this is a college educated woman whom I used to have intelligent conversations with. I've noticed her husband is drinking a lot more at parties lately...

[threebyfate]

Whenever I go out with my married girlfriend, it's an unspoken rule that we will go whenever our husbands are unavailable to spend time with us. Like when our husbands are watching the football game is the prefect time for us to make arrangements.

Why do you do this? Don't you also deserve a life that doesn't revolve around his schedule? Does he return this courtesy or does he just take you for granted?

[hopeful1980]

Why do you do this? Don't you also deserve a life that doesn't revolve around his schedule? Does he return this courtesy or does he just take you for granted?

 

Why wouldn't I do it? I chose to live a life with my husband forsaking all others. To not take him into consideration when I make plans is rude imo. If I wanted a life that didn't resolve around what the other members in my family were doing, I wouldn't have had a family. I have to schedule my extracurricular activities around work, my children's activities, AND my husband. It's only fair.

 

When we first got married (we were both 24), he did take me for granted. He seemed to think that he could continue living life as a bachelor with all the benefits of a married man. He came and went as he pleased with no regard for my plans or appointments. To make matters worse, we only had one car at the time so many times I was stuck at home while he went God knows where with God knows who. I can't take that type of blatent disrespect. I'm all for having a time to ones self and separate friends and hobbies, but what my husband used to do is his own thing and fit his family in when he had time.

 

Now he fits his hobbies into his family life. Just last night he was invited to a New Years Eve party by a childhood friend. A few years ago he would have went and not even considered bringing in the New Year with his family. But, last night he simply told me about the party and said he didn't even want to go. He ENJOYS being with us now, so he'd rather be with me and the kids than away.

 

I appreciate that and I tell him. I didn't get married to spend New Year's Eve alone or wonder where my husband is or what he's doing. I got married to share my life with the man I loved. Part of sharing your life with someone includes considering them when you make plans.

[threebyfate]

Your example of NYE is kind of extreme. But only making plans when he's busy seems to be extreme, as well.

[Mary3]

I notice alot of married men are not getting much sex from their wives.

 

Their attitude seems to be * oh well , this is married life * I say B_.

 

What about the partnership of arousal , passion and connection ?

 

Are men whipped into accepting sex every 2 weeks to once a month ?

 

Okay this was a rant but seriously I hear this alot....

[hopeful1980]

Your example of NYE is kind of extreme. But only making plans when he's busy seems to be extreme, as well.

 

I don't see how either one is extreme. It is what it is. Either you take your spouse into consideration when making plans or you don't. What difference does it make the day?

 

Having a family/being married means thinking of others/another before yourself. If you don't do that, what kind of marriage would it be? It would seem self serving and selfish any other way to me.

[threebyfate]

I don't see how either one is extreme. It is what it is. Either you take your spouse into consideration when making plans or you don't. What difference does it make the day?

 

Having a family/being married means thinking of others/another before yourself. If you don't do that, what kind of marriage would it be? It would seem self serving and selfish any other way to me.

It appears that we have a different view about marriage.

 

IMO, marriage shouldn't be about self-sacrifice/martyrdom. It's okay to have a life outside your marriage, as well as a well-balanced marriage, where your time together is meaningful.

 

A marriage where you, as a person, gets consumed by marriage, makes me shudder.

[hopeful1980]

It appears that we have a different view about marriage.

 

IMO, marriage shouldn't be about self-sacrifice/martyrdom. It's okay to have a life outside your marriage, as well as a well-balanced marriage, where your time together is meaningful.

 

A marriage where you, as a person, gets consumed by marriage, makes me shudder.

 

I'm not a matryr. I DO go out with my friends. My husband does do things he enjoys without me. We spend time away from each other and with each other away from the children. This is a healthy balance. It is not exhausting our marriage in any way.

 

But to just GO without consideration of the other person IMO is a recipe for disaster. I don't ASK my husband if I CAN go, I just make my plans with him in mind and he does the same for me. We schedule everything else around our lives together because we ENJOY being together and everything else comes secondary to us and our time together.

 

The sole reason we got married was to have a life TOGETHER, not just have a witness to each others lives.