Brokenhearted_girl Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 The title says it all. I am in love with a man who doesn't want to get married, or have a family with me. I am almost 30 and I have been with this man for 3 yrs. No plans of even wanting to move in. My mind tells me to let him go, my heart belongs to him. I think if I choose to be logical, I'd choose to let him go but my emotions and love for him get the best of me. I am terrified of the pain that breakups bring. I have been thru hell and back 2 times. A 3rd breakup will kill me. I just want to be happy...
bluestraps Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Has he directly said he neither wants to get married or have a family with you. If this is the case, you need to take into consideration if your relationship is satisfying for you , without marriage. If this issue is causing arguements it wont help. If he is uncomfortable talking about it or gets mad, that wont help either. Are you both in a place in your lives where mariage is possible. In your estimation is he both financialy and emotionaly ready to get married , and are you also?
Tasha1675 Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 That is a tough one. When I realised my ex didn't see us getting married and having a family (despite saying he did earlier in the relationship) I knew in my heart that I had to end it but I couldn't do it because I loved him and wanted it to work out. I just hoped that he was just scared and it would happen one day. He got angry with me when I mentioned marriage and things and we'd been together for two years. He started to realise that he was being unfair to me and he ended it. It was awful because we were living together and were happy and in love but he couldn't see us working as he wasn't ready to settle down and thought he'd end up cheating because he wasn't ready. We told each other we loved each other and that was it. We haven't spoken since. It is the hardest thing I have ever been through as he is the only man I have ever been with who I thought I'd marry one day. I know I had to walk away but I just didn't want to. I hope that in letting him have his freedom, and bowing out of his life completely, he may find his way back to me when he is more ready. Who knows! I expect if he ever did, I wouldn't want him by then! I really don't know what to suggest you do. All I can say is I sympathise with you as it is so upsetting and I'm more than happy to talk some more about it. A lot of the time it is all about timing. Is he in a position where he can offer you all the things you want?
Author Brokenhearted_girl Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 Has he directly said he neither wants to get married or have a family with you. If this is the case, you need to take into consideration if your relationship is satisfying for you , without marriage. If this issue is causing arguements it wont help. If he is uncomfortable talking about it or gets mad, that wont help either. Are you both in a place in your lives where mariage is possible. In your estimation is he both financialy and emotionaly ready to get married , and are you also? yes he said he is not built to live with anyone. His lack of commitment has led me to feel jealous whenever I see comments in his facebook page. I feel threatened. I feel like he's just biding his time until he finds the right one. I get scared that he'll leave me that I get into arguments with him about the girls comments on facebook. I'm sad and frustrated and hurt.
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 It's more painful for you to be and stay with him, then for you to break it off with him. You are wasting your love, energy and care for someone who has no intentions of building a life with you, settling down, getting married, having kids... Be strong and end it. Grieve, and let yourself just ride out the break up of a relationship.. I know it'll hurt, but you're hurting NOW and need to have finality...Ending it will close your heart to him. And, one day you're going to look back and wonder wtf you ever saw in him. Realize hes not worth all those tears.
Author Brokenhearted_girl Posted January 4, 2010 Author Posted January 4, 2010 It's more painful for you to be and stay with him, then for you to break it off with him. You are wasting your love, energy and care for someone who has no intentions of building a life with you, settling down, getting married, having kids... Be strong and end it. Grieve, and let yourself just ride out the break up of a relationship.. I know it'll hurt, but you're hurting NOW and need to have finality...Ending it will close your heart to him. And, one day you're going to look back and wonder wtf you ever saw in him. Realize hes not worth all those tears. Thank you. I needed to hear that. I'd rather hurt now than later. It's just really sad.
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2010 Posted January 4, 2010 It is sad..And it sucks, hurts big time that you love this guy..But if you choose to stay with him, YOU will lose out because he isn't capable of long lasting committed love. Your whole relationship will be filled with doubts, mistrust, jealously..More pain. LOVE is not meant to be like that! Even if he is in your heart..He isn't worth settling for. Make yourself a list. What is it that you love about him? What does he do for YOU that makes you feel loved, special, needed, desired? Love is more than just a feeling, it's an action..
Author Brokenhearted_girl Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 It is sad..And it sucks, hurts big time that you love this guy..But if you choose to stay with him, YOU will lose out because he isn't capable of long lasting committed love. Your whole relationship will be filled with doubts, mistrust, jealously..More pain. LOVE is not meant to be like that! Even if he is in your heart..He isn't worth settling for. Make yourself a list. What is it that you love about him? What does he do for YOU that makes you feel loved, special, needed, desired? Love is more than just a feeling, it's an action.. I like what you said about love. I feel like I've lost my way and forgot how true love is. I wish I can have one do-over so I can change the way I handle my relationship. I should have given myself more importance instead of giving in to what he always wanted.
Woggle Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Take solace in the fact your attraction to him is based on his commitmentphobia. If he gave you what you wanted you would lose interest in a hearbeat.
Lovelybird Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 I don't know what you did mean by saying his comment for other women on facebook, if you mean he flirts with other women, you have more reason to leave.
Author Brokenhearted_girl Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 I don't know what you did mean by saying his comment for other women on facebook, if you mean he flirts with other women, you have more reason to leave. He's emailed one girl back and forth starting July and has planned to meet up. They've exchanged phone numbers. I feel dumb not seeing the red flags.
Author Brokenhearted_girl Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 You saw/seen them, but just haven't made up your mind what to do about it yet, but you will. When you finally decide you've had enough......you'll walk. You deserve better than some half-as*ed commitment. Believe that and you'll walk. You're right. I think I'm slowly getting there.
GrayClouds Posted January 5, 2010 Posted January 5, 2010 Try focusing on you and what you need. What is it in your experiences that think love is a constant chase? What makes you uncomfortable to have someone 100% there for you? What can help you be ready when you meet someone who is there for you? Yes he may have the commitment issue, and that is his issue. But what about the person who is attracted to someone like that. This is something you can do something about. And when you do, you will find a the relationship that is right for you. Good Luck
Author Brokenhearted_girl Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 Try focusing on you and what you need. What is it in your experiences that think love is a constant chase? What makes you uncomfortable to have someone 100% there for you? What can help you be ready when you meet someone who is there for you? Yes he may have the commitment issue, and that is his issue. But what about the person who is attracted to someone like that. This is something you can do something about. And when you do, you will find a the relationship that is right for you. Good Luck I just completely ignored the red flags and thought he would change. We were happy before I started asking him where the relationship was going. Then again, he had some emotional online relationship with another girl which is probably why he wouldn't commit. Either way the hard part is over. He's out of my life. The only thing now left to do is to deal with the mess. I'm sure in the future I will thank myself for not giving in and just forgetting about the emails that I saw on his facebook. The betrayal is the hardest part to deal with. Oh scratch that... The indifference on his part, knowing that my whole life is crushed and he can still write LOL on his emails to friends saying that he is going to break up with me. That is cruel. I've never seen that much evil in him. No remorse, no sadness.
GrayClouds Posted January 6, 2010 Posted January 6, 2010 I just completely ignored the red flags and thought he would change. We were happy before I started asking him where the relationship was going. Then again, he had some emotional online relationship with another girl which is probably why he wouldn't commit. Either way the hard part is over. He's out of my life. The only thing now left to do is to deal with the mess. I'm sure in the future I will thank myself for not giving in and just forgetting about the emails that I saw on his facebook. The betrayal is the hardest part to deal with. Oh scratch that... The indifference on his part, knowing that my whole life is crushed and he can still write LOL on his emails to friends saying that he is going to break up with me. That is cruel. I've never seen that much evil in him. No remorse, no sadness. Go No Contact to be kind to yourself and give you space to heal. That mean No Contact block phone, email, facebook, myspace and anything else that is going to distract you from focus on yourself. Read: The No Contact Guide So you want a second chance? The good news is your going to be even a better person after this then you were before. Congratulations. .
Author Brokenhearted_girl Posted January 6, 2010 Author Posted January 6, 2010 I'm good with not talking to him, calling him, emailing but since I know his password on his facebook, I have to stop myself from checking his facebook account. Ignorance is definitely bliss... I'm also getting hurtful reactions from some "friends" saying that all the proof that I had of his infidelity were emails. I don't think I need to see them in a hotel room doing it for me to know that I deserve more than this. Even emails with another woman, that involves flirting, wanting to meet up, exchanging phone numbers, to me those were worst, because he did not tell me anything about her. How can that be an innocent thing, even through emails, when obviously, things were not solid between us that he has to talk to another girl to express himself. I don't get it. I'm the one who's hurt, I'm the one who feels betrayed and all these "friends" care about was if there was any proof that they met up and did the deed.
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