EricaH329 Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 I have been seeing this guy for about 3 months now, and I am about to break it off. He is perfect. He is such a gentleman. He is a really great guy. The only problem is that he is not my type. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. Physically, definitely not my style. Personality wise... we get along great. Majority of the problem is that I still love my ex. Ugh! What a story, right?! I have known this guy for about 12 years, and breaking this off is really going to suck for the both of us. But I cannot allow this to continue. What is wrong with me?!
Author EricaH329 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 Maybe it's alright for me to feel this way. Tonight, New Years Eve, I had to work (at a bar). All of my friends, and family, asked why he didn't at least stop by. I totally understand that he wants to spend time with his friends, but he didn't even make the effort to call. Maybe i'm not in a position to have a relationship right now. I'm almost positive that's it.
dazzle22 Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Maybe he senses you are distancing yourself and that is why he did not stop by. You should never feel bad that someone great, is just not great for you. We all have complicated "imprinting" that develops from the time we are children about what we want in a partner, and some people will just not feel like a "fit" for us, but will be right for someone else. I think you can think of other friends like this. For example my friends' husbands are very nice, successful, great guys,etc., but not a one of them would ever do anything for me. I like my cheeky, sassy bad boy husband.
TaraMaiden Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 If you've known him 12 years, then he's known you the same amount of time. Right...? It's therefore not beyond the realms of possibility that actually - he feels the same way, and doesn't know how to tell you.... Instead of outright breaking it off, why not discuss this spark - or lack of it - and suggest that actually, you guys are better as friends, than partners? he might well agree.... and continue being a good friend....
Author EricaH329 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 Dazzle and Tara - You both made very good points! You have definitely given me something to think about. Now that i'm not intoxicated, , i've thought about this logically. He really, really cares about me. He tells me this all the time. I'm actually almost certain the 'L' bomb will be dropped soon. Logically, he is great for me. He is very caring, and sensitive. He has all the qualities I really want in a guy. Maybe just because I haven't felt that instant connection that i've felt with my previous boyfriends, doesn't mean that it won't happen? Maybe if I give it some time, he could 'grow' on me? I do care about him a lot, i'm just not sure if it's in a romantic way or a platonic way.
2sunny Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Dazzle and Tara - You both made very good points! You have definitely given me something to think about. Now that i'm not intoxicated, , i've thought about this logically. He really, really cares about me. He tells me this all the time. I'm actually almost certain the 'L' bomb will be dropped soon. Logically, he is great for me. He is very caring, and sensitive. He has all the qualities I really want in a guy. Maybe just because I haven't felt that instant connection that i've felt with my previous boyfriends, doesn't mean that it won't happen? Maybe if I give it some time, he could 'grow' on me? I do care about him a lot, i'm just not sure if it's in a romantic way or a platonic way. maybe it's easier to run fast away from something that has great potential? do you hear my sarcasm? sometimes we destroy the good things before they disappoint us in the end. why not just enjoy the good of it all for today? one day at a time... while it's good... no need to end something good. doesn't need to be great - sometimes great ends up not being great at all...
carhill Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Majority of the problem is that I still love my ex. Don't screw up a good friendship over this. Does your friend know, clearly, that you still love your ex and think about him all the time? If not, we have your NYR right there
sagetalk Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 I have been seeing this guy for about 3 months now, and I am about to break it off. He is perfect. He is such a gentleman. He is a really great guy. The only problem is that he is not my type. Majority of the problem is that I still love my ex. Wow there is a lot of stuff in this short post. What was your ex like, and why did you break up? Was he abusive, cheated on you, possessive, controlling? I'd have to know the story before I comment too much. What does, "He's not my type" mean? Are gentlemen that are nice not your type, or are guys that are not your ex (or don't remind you of your ex) not your type. I'm guessing #2 is more likely. If it's #1, I genuinely feel sorry for you. That is a very dangerous and toxic mentality which is sure to lead to a great deal of heartache. I think you may be afraid of closing the door on your ex if you get serious with this guy. If I knew more about your ex, I could say more.
sagetalk Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Instead of outright breaking it off, why not discuss this spark - or lack of it - and suggest that actually, you guys are better as friends, than partners? he might well agree.... and continue being a good friend.... Or you could buy a sword and stab him in the heart. That might cause less pain then saying that to him. Be honest with him and tell him how you feel and about your ex if you must, but using the lets be friends line is the equivalent of telling him he is a complete loser . Devastating.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 (sigh) I've been wondering about you - haven't noticed your posts here for a while. The situation you describe doesn't sound like a deal-breaker at all. Your posts just ring like a resume of HIS good qualities... and his physical "type" is about the only area of concern, so I gather. The part about the lack of an "instant connection" is severely mitigated by oh, say, TWELVE YEARS!! The first thing that came to mind when I read of your concern here was the difference to a guy between what it would be like to look across the street and accidentally catch a full view of a woman's breasts... vs. what it would be like had that same woman been (legally allowed to, and) going topless for twelve years. Of course the guy wouldn't be so quick to count his blessings all at once, after such a long period of time. In the same way, you are not supposed to get HIT, SUDDENLY, by all of the thrill and excitement of some brand-new-to-you guy when you've had the extreme luxury of being able to vet him for twelve years. IF I may dare to compare real-life dating to internet dating for a moment: The 'hook' to internet dating, is that we get to put ourselves in proximity to others in a venue where everyone seeeeeeeeeeeems very near to ***perfect*** upon first interaction. (in many cases we don't even see a face... where in the real world, you walk into Penn Station, see hundreds of people, and deem nearly all of them 'imperfect' during the first spin around the room) As time goes by with internet dating, some of the fun is learning of SMALL imperfections and then letting our own sense of "100% perfect" dwindle down to "97% perfect". We can still be deeply smitten, but those tiny imperfections give the other one 'character'. In the real world... when you suddenly meet someone and then evolve to date them... they are still regarded by you as an unattainable degree of *perfect* (even IF that number is 88% compared to 100% online {again, only in your mind}). SO, while you're used to dating guys who SLAP you with their 88% PERFECTION... and then you spend hours feeling totally giddy over having met them, and over their interest in you... Having recently dated a guy whom you have KNOWN for 12 years was bound to have a void where that typical trend usually is. Instead, BOTH guys (the real one in front of you, and the random one, who gives you the immediate 'connection' {translation: HUGE, EXCITED FEELING})... are approximately the same degree of 'perfect'. It's just YOUR VANTAGE POINT which is different. SO, in detail, according to you, we KNOW this present boyfriend has all of these great traits, and that he is logically great for you, caring and sensitive, and has all the qualities that you want in a guy. AND we get to speak of him from the standpoint where the test of TIME has proven over and over that what you see is what's there. Just because you long for that short, initial window of time during which you can imagine some random person to be ALMOST perfect, doesn't mean there is any cause to trade in what you've got just to have that not-as-important-as-it-seems short-lived instant (EXCITEMENT) that you missed this one time. Hope this inspires you to think even more...
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