lostboyuk Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Morning all, hope I'm not getting boring with my daily updates! It kinda helps me start the day emptying my head! Also thanks for the support. Spent loads of time with lots of family yesterday (crying on them while my kids were in another room). My dilema yesterday was do I let my GF go to our house and take some things while I'm away. Well I did, I'd left her a letter before I left but I called her before she went in. I tried to hold together but didn't completely (can't go NC til stuff is sorted) I told her not to take anything other than what she needed as I had to go back today with kids and they don't know she left yet. (kids are from my prev partner which is the underlying reason my GF can't be with me). I said I would like her to come round on Sunday to discuss next steps, she's agreed to this. Even though I was crying I was in control for once and she was actually crying more than I! After she left I got a text to say thank you for the letter and Xmas presents (she left me very alone over Xmas). Midnight was horrible but I managed ok until 12.09 when I got a text from her, simply 'x', I sent the same back, she followed with an 'z', I followed with a 'q' (a silly game we often played with words). I know I shouldn't have replied at all but nice to know she was thinking of me. So the plan for Sunday is to get any unanswered questions open, laugh and cry about what we had, recompose myself and walk away in control and in style. The problem is we were great but she can't handle me having kids and said what we had wasn't enough for her, she left in sept, came back in dec, then left me by phone 2 days after Xmas. My thoughts are now focused on Sunday, saying what I need to say for me and making sure no matter what when she walks out the door for the last time, her last memory of me is the person she fell madly in love with 3.5 years ago. I think Sunday will be my lowest day ever and I have work on Monday! But I do know it will also be day 1 of full on no contact and time to move forward. Very very tired, very worried, but still not angry. ago.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Oh hugs to you lostboyuk - I agree sunday is going to be very rough. Be prepared with everything you want to say and ask, that might help make sure you get it all out. I also really really wish you would recognize that while this woman might be a great person - her issues with you are really selfish and icky - you and your kids deserve better! When you recognize that - you will truly be on your way to recovery.
Author lostboyuk Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 Thank you curious I'll be prepared but know it's going to be so so sad. I'm comfortable getting upset but the end is most important, I will walk away in style! Her issues are with her, I never expected her to be a stepmum, just a friend to the kids. Trouble is a few of her friends have adopted/have stepmum realationships with their partners kids, don't think that helps with her self esteem. I think I may have pushed her further away the last fee weeks we were together, I was still suffering from the previous few months and I just needed a little love and time to settle our socks! She's saying she only came back to me and said all the lovely things she said to try to make it work, I don't believe that, she meant it at the time but is just telling herself that now when she ran away to the support of her mums. It's like she's persuading herself this is the right thing to do because she can't see any other way!
hopesndreams Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 My thoughts are now focused on Sunday, saying what I need to say for me and making sure no matter what when she walks out the door for the last time, her last memory of me is the person she fell madly in love with 3.5 years ago. I think Sunday will be my lowest day ever and I have work on Monday! But I do know it will also be day 1 of full on no contact and time to move forward. Very very tired, very worried, but still not angry. ago. You have already been through the "Sundays". You have already said what needed saying. It will just be a repeat performance that will just bring you down deeper. She isn't listening. She needs to walk out that door for the last time, without you there bidding her farewell with tears streaming down your face. Sure, you say you'll be tough and have every intention of it, but most likely you will only break down in front of her. In order for you to have her back, she needs to come clean and want to be with you. She needs to seek you out and she needs to be remorseful. Without the above, it will all be pointless. NC her. No more replies to her pointless texts either. Let her experience life without you and find out if she enjoys it as much as you do.
Author lostboyuk Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 Hey hopesndreams, thank you so much. I know exactly what you are saying I do i do. I haven't said what I need to say yet, a 10 min phonecall out of the blue the other day where of course I was an utter mess didn't allow me to! I knew I had a Sunday left to do and wasn't at bottom yet. I know I have to let her go and she must come to terms with her feelings if there ever could be a chance for us. I honestly feel I have to do Sunday, honestly not thinking I can change her mind, know too much will push her further away but I have to do it for me, I've initiated it, I am in control of the situation, she will hear what I have to say and will go knowing that I'm moving on. No contact will be hard from there of course but I'm going to sort through our stuff on my own and will arrange through others to get it to her, she is not washing me from her life I'm washing her out if mine. I truly appreciate you honesty hnd, I know she didn't text me last night to let me know she was thinking of me, she did it to appease her own guilt and wanted me to let her know it's ok! Think she may have been on her own last night, she's already getting a taste!!!
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