Dutchyankee112 Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Greetings. They say "all is fair in love and war", well i need some advice on how to conquer my ex-gf's heart again. What happened? My girlfriend and i were in a relationship for just over 1 year when i found out she lied about something halfway into the relationship. The lie itself only upset me for a few hours and i forgave her. But she has been completely unable to forgive herself and feels she is unable to be my girlfriend. So she called for a break in our relationship. (See "Describe your Ex-Girlfriend" section to understand why.) What is the situation now? Well, as a result of the lie, my girlfriend is now terrified of hurting me again in the future. She has asked me to just remain friends and look after her while she copes with the guilt and shock. I was sadly unable to talk her out of wanting a break and so i agreed with her request. She promised she was not going to date or get intimate with other people. She did not demand such a promise in return. How does your ex-gf feel about you and a relationship? Her feelings for me are still fully there, and before i found out about the lie she was extremely happy being in a relationship with me and we talked about wanting to live together soon. She still wants to have a relationship with me, she merely feels her guilt and fear are blocking it from being possible. She has no idea about our chances of getting back together, she currently seems to lack confidence in herself or she doesnt want to give me false hope. Could you describe your Ex-Girlfriend? In order to figure out the best way to regain her, a couple of character traits of her are important to know. "Know thy ex" as Tsun Tzu once said. - She is 20 years of age, and had half a dozen relationships before me. Yet she never was as serious about a relationship as with ours. - She has had an abuse past filled with lies and hurt. This caused her to associate ANY lie with pain and shame. She is currently recieving therapy to overcome her issues. - She never, ever, lied to a boyfriend before. That she did this greatly shocked her and her believes in herself are broken, she feels she is now capable of anything bad she once thought she wouldnt, such as cheating, physical hurt, etc. - She really is convinced she is protecting me from harm by breaking up with me. - Early next week she will talk to her therapist about what happened. This will be the first time she talks to someone other then me about this. - She can get jealous easily. Infact, earlier this week she saw me hugging another girl and she was obviously very uncomfortable with it, later she told me she felt jealous. What does your ex-gf want from you? It seems she wants me to keep giving her love, affection and even intimacy in the form of 'meaningless sex' during this break. She wants to sit on my lap, cuddle with me, go out and do things together, etc. She does not want to kiss or be 'touchy feely' unless we are having sex. She sounds very high maintenance, are you sure you want her back? Without a doubt, yes, i do want her back as my girlfriend. How do you think you can get her back? Well that is why i made this long post. Id like comments and advice, there are two ways i can go about doing this i think. Act as normally as possible and be there for her. I pretty much have been doing this the past 2 weeks. Being there for her when she needs me, talking to her and trying to help her feel better. And giving her the attention, affection and intimacy she wants from me. I thought that by acting as normally as possible she might see little changed by her little mistake, however, as i am beginning to understand just how deep her guilt and fear of hurting me again runs, i think i might have to give her what she says she wants but probably didnt expect. She wants me to be just friends? Ill treat her as 'just a friend'. Maybe im making things too easy on her, not being in a relationship yet still satisfying her needs when she has them. The way i treated her the past two weeks while we were on a break was much closer to how i treated her while i was her boyfriend, then during the first month in which i met her and i was just a friend to her. So maybe i should not give her more attention then i give to my regular female friends, no more affection other then a little friendly hug if we havent seen each other for a while, no more sex, no flirting, no sweet talking. Maybe if she realises what being just friends really means she will start missing the 'perks' of being my girlfriend. Of course i wont be a jerk to her, i will still have friendly chats and try to make her laugh, the same way i do with my female friends. ????????????
boogieboy Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 We told you last time and you didnt listen.... SHe lied to you about everything, she is a pathological liar to keep you around. She broke it off with you for whatever reason, probably to date someone she likes more. Her reason was an excuse to break it off, without telling you the real reason. Youre not going to get this one back, she is already looking at someone else. She knows that keeping you around will keep you happy and help her get over you. Dont be her friend, she doesnt need you to be there for her, and it wont help you in the long run. You want her to want you back? Stay away from her. Be too busy for her, dont see her, dont talk to her on the phone, act like youre too busy, act like you started dating someone else. THAT will make her jealous, and make her crazy, thats your best chance. It works. Mind you, it might not work. Once a woman loses interest in you, thats it, you cant get her back by being around her kissing her ass. She misses your friendship and thats it, but thats not enough for you. Take that away from her, and let her miss you. She has to see what life is like without you. Thats why she doesnt just say "I need space" she knows she will miss you if youre not around. Thats your best bet. But youre not going to listen to any of that, youre going to keep hanging around her, because you dont want to take what you think is a risk.
PinkToes Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 I totally agree with boogieboy. Stop being there for her. And if she's only 20 and you're already her 7th boyfriend, she's not going to like being alone. Worst case scenario, she'll keep you hanging on until she meets someone else. Out of curiosity, how long had she been single when you met?
boogieboy Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Out of curiosity, how long had she been single when you met? He cant know that for sure, this girl is twisted. She probably dumped someone for him.
Author Dutchyankee112 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 We told you last time and you didnt listen.... SHe lied to you about everything, she is a pathological liar to keep you around. She broke it off with you for whatever reason, probably to date someone she likes more. Her reason was an excuse to break it off, without telling you the real reason. Youre not going to get this one back, she is already looking at someone else. She knows that keeping you around will keep you happy and help her get over you. Dont be her friend, she doesnt need you to be there for her, and it wont help you in the long run. You want her to want you back? Stay away from her. Be too busy for her, dont see her, dont talk to her on the phone, act like youre too busy, act like you started dating someone else. THAT will make her jealous, and make her crazy, thats your best chance. It works. Mind you, it might not work. Once a woman loses interest in you, thats it, you cant get her back by being around her kissing her ass. She misses your friendship and thats it, but thats not enough for you. Take that away from her, and let her miss you. She has to see what life is like without you. Thats why she doesnt just say "I need space" she knows she will miss you if youre not around. Thats your best bet. But youre not going to listen to any of that, youre going to keep hanging around her, because you dont want to take what you think is a risk. You'll be happy to hear that being too busy and letting her miss me is exactly what i am planning to do. I just wanted to gather as much tips, advice, and opinions about this being a good/bad idea as possible. Thank you very much for your post, i appreciate it.
boogieboy Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 You'll be happy to hear that being too busy and letting her miss me is exactly what i am planning to do. I just wanted to gather as much tips, advice, and opinions about this being a good/bad idea as possible. Thank you very much for your post, i appreciate it. Good man, you will thank yourself in the long run for doing this. Trust me, Ive done it.
Author Dutchyankee112 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 I totally agree with boogieboy. Stop being there for her. And if she's only 20 and you're already her 7th boyfriend, she's not going to like being alone. Worst case scenario, she'll keep you hanging on until she meets someone else. Out of curiosity, how long had she been single when you met? When we first started casually talking she was dating an older guy but according to her, and just about all her friends i spoke, he was misstreating her. After a night at the pub the older guy turned out to be a mean drunk and he yelled abuse at her, some of her friends aswell as her brother were present when it happened and she broke up with him on the spot. She and i started talking on a daily basis a week or two afterwards and it was around this time that we started to share pictures. Over the course of a few weeks we became more then friends and we started meeting up and dating in the real world. We have been dating for 13 months and we were both looking forward to living together within a year. Actually she was extremely excited about that. She even told me in which church she wanted to get married. Her biggest problem is that she simply cares TOO MUCH about me. And knowing her she doesnt even know what she wants to do herself. She clearly feels very strongly about me still, but she's too scared she might hurt me by lying again, or getting drunk and cheating on me. She lost her confidence her own ability to be an honest loyal girlfriend. Im 99% certain there is no other guy in play here.
PinkToes Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 I just read the other thread, so she was in a relationship when you met. I wonder if that was true when she met boyfriends # 2-6 also? Don't mean to be harsh, but she does sound a bit messed up. I mean the fact that she wanted to breakup because she felt guilty about lying but then asked you to support her so she could cope with the fact that she lied to you is kinda nuts. Please be careful here.
PinkToes Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 I don't think there's another guy either, I mean she clearly cares about you. I just worry about her stability. She's had a lot of relationships already, with at least one of them unhealthy, so that could indicate an insecurity and neediness that could be a problem. That's the part that would concern me. But it's also what makes me think it will drive her crazy if you disappear.
Author Dutchyankee112 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 (edited) She is seeing a therapist about her abusive past aswell as her fears. This therapist is the only person other then her, me, and her former friend(*) who knows about the lie. She doesnt even wanna tell her brother, with who she is very close. She said she wants to talk about what happened the past two weeks and what she should do next time she visits her therapist, which is this monday. I also think that me pulling away and giving her the same amount of attention i give to my other female friends will greatly disturb her. It is possible she will think im abandoning her because i cant be more then just friends for the time being. So i am wondering: Should i tell her up front about the coming changes in treatment? This might prevent her getting the wrong idea. Just a brainstorm. I could tell her that i have decided to treat her in the exact same way i treat my other female friends and that i need to do this to prevent myself from breaking apart because i want to be more then friends. EDIT: I know all of this makes my ex-gf seem like a disturbed psycho. Please guys and gals, dispite her issues she is the most loving caring person you have ever met in your life. She is the kind of girl that goes buying blankets for homeless people, donating blood and money to the hospital, cancel a night's out with her friends because i got a headache and she wants to take care of me, etc,etc,etc. It is her nature to care too much about others. She let slip earlier this week that she feels she doesnt deserve to be happy with me because she lied. She deserves a good stable life, and i sincerely hope she gets it sooner or later. Edited January 1, 2010 by Dutchyankee112
PinkToes Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 So i am wondering: Should i tell her up front about the coming changes in treatment? This might prevent her getting the wrong idea. Just a brainstorm. I could tell her that i have decided to treat her in the exact same way i treat my other female friends and that i need to do this to prevent myself from breaking apart because i want to be more then friends. No, don't tell her anything. Just get busy and distract yourself from the whole issue. Telling her you're going to start treating her like your other female friends will sound petty and like a game. Just go on with your life as best you can, and let her deal with her issues. I don't think she's psycho at all, but I do think she has some growing to do. And unfortunately, there's not much you can (or should) do to help her with that.
D-Lish Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 So i am wondering: Should i tell her up front about the coming changes in treatment? This might prevent her getting the wrong idea. No, this defeats the purpose and negates the effect. Let your actions speak for you.
Author Dutchyankee112 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 Yes i do suppose not telling her will have a higher chance of her missing me, chasing me and help motivate her to try a relationship again? If she knows what exactly is going on she will not worry, which means she will not act any different. Like i said, there is the risk of her going crazy when she starts missing me, but that's kinda the whole point i suppose. And if she doesnt care about the drop in attention then perhaps that would be a sign i wouldnt be able to get her back anyway.
D-Lish Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Yes i do suppose not telling her will have a higher chance of her missing me, chasing me and help motivate her to try a relationship again? If she knows what exactly is going on she will not worry, which means she will not act any different. Like i said, there is the risk of her going crazy when she starts missing me, but that's kinda the whole point i suppose. And if she doesnt care about the drop in attention then perhaps that would be a sign i wouldnt be able to get her back anyway. I think you're getting it young Jedi:D
Author Dutchyankee112 Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 Ok, another question. We share an online hobby and we basically run into each other every day online. I dont feel like giving up this hobby so how should i act when i am unable to avoid being in contact with her or she contacts me, and i dont have an excuse ready?
boogieboy Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Dont respond to every single thing she says, and keep your answers cold and short. Or change your name. Dont use the game as an excuse to keep talking to her!!
Crazy Magnet Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 You're making yourself a doormat right now, and generally the doormat behavior is about the worst way to get a girl back ever. No girl wants a door mat. You have some excellent advice on this thread. I second pulling back and not treating her like a princess. Sure, everyone has issues, and I'm glad to see she's in therapy to work on those, but change is hard, and therapy is no walk in the park if she is doing it right.
hoping2heal Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 (edited) Greetings. They say "all is fair in love and war", well i need some advice on how to conquer my ex-gf's heart again. What happened? My girlfriend and i were in a relationship for just over 1 year when i found out she lied about something halfway into the relationship. The lie itself only upset me for a few hours and i forgave her. But she has been completely unable to forgive herself and feels she is unable to be my girlfriend. So she called for a break in our relationship. (See "Describe your Ex-Girlfriend" section to understand why.) What is the situation now? Well, as a result of the lie, my girlfriend is now terrified of hurting me again in the future. She has asked me to just remain friends and look after her while she copes with the guilt and shock. I was sadly unable to talk her out of wanting a break and so i agreed with her request. She promised she was not going to date or get intimate with other people. She did not demand such a promise in return. How does your ex-gf feel about you and a relationship? Her feelings for me are still fully there, and before i found out about the lie she was extremely happy being in a relationship with me and we talked about wanting to live together soon. She still wants to have a relationship with me, she merely feels her guilt and fear are blocking it from being possible. She has no idea about our chances of getting back together, she currently seems to lack confidence in herself or she doesnt want to give me false hope. Could you describe your Ex-Girlfriend? In order to figure out the best way to regain her, a couple of character traits of her are important to know. "Know thy ex" as Tsun Tzu once said. - She is 20 years of age, and had half a dozen relationships before me. Yet she never was as serious about a relationship as with ours. - She has had an abuse past filled with lies and hurt. This caused her to associate ANY lie with pain and shame. She is currently recieving therapy to overcome her issues. - She never, ever, lied to a boyfriend before. That she did this greatly shocked her and her believes in herself are broken, she feels she is now capable of anything bad she once thought she wouldnt, such as cheating, physical hurt, etc. - She really is convinced she is protecting me from harm by breaking up with me. - Early next week she will talk to her therapist about what happened. This will be the first time she talks to someone other then me about this. - She can get jealous easily. Infact, earlier this week she saw me hugging another girl and she was obviously very uncomfortable with it, later she told me she felt jealous. What does your ex-gf want from you? It seems she wants me to keep giving her love, affection and even intimacy in the form of 'meaningless sex' during this break. She wants to sit on my lap, cuddle with me, go out and do things together, etc. She does not want to kiss or be 'touchy feely' unless we are having sex. She sounds very high maintenance, are you sure you want her back? Without a doubt, yes, i do want her back as my girlfriend. How do you think you can get her back? Well that is why i made this long post. Id like comments and advice, there are two ways i can go about doing this i think. Act as normally as possible and be there for her. I pretty much have been doing this the past 2 weeks. Being there for her when she needs me, talking to her and trying to help her feel better. And giving her the attention, affection and intimacy she wants from me. I thought that by acting as normally as possible she might see little changed by her little mistake, however, as i am beginning to understand just how deep her guilt and fear of hurting me again runs, i think i might have to give her what she says she wants but probably didnt expect. She wants me to be just friends? Ill treat her as 'just a friend'. Maybe im making things too easy on her, not being in a relationship yet still satisfying her needs when she has them. The way i treated her the past two weeks while we were on a break was much closer to how i treated her while i was her boyfriend, then during the first month in which i met her and i was just a friend to her. So maybe i should not give her more attention then i give to my regular female friends, no more affection other then a little friendly hug if we havent seen each other for a while, no more sex, no flirting, no sweet talking. Maybe if she realises what being just friends really means she will start missing the 'perks' of being my girlfriend. Of course i wont be a jerk to her, i will still have friendly chats and try to make her laugh, the same way i do with my female friends. ???????????? Okay, something smells REAL fishy around here, and it isn't the ocean sludge. First thing is first; I don't buy for one minute she is too terrified of hurting you to be your girlfriend. I think the more likely case is that she is EMBARASSED. She is too EMBARASSED to be your girlfriend. Second of all, the OTHER thing I didn't buy was how she NEVER, EVER lied to a boyfriend in the past- that she was just so..shocked! Yeah, no. Had that been the case why did she not just fess up to the lie when she did it? "This is crazy but I lied!" I remember reading about your story in another thread, and I COULD have my lines crossed but I'm pretty sure you found her lie out; she didn't come clean with it. IF that is correct? Well, even if it isn't but for SURE if that is correct- she's never lied to a boyfriend before MY A$$. So, back to the embarassment thing. It's very possible she is actually a chronic liar; and to her getting "exposed" is a threat to her defenses (lying is very often related to self esteem issues) and my money is on it THAT is what she really can't handle that "exposed" feeling. Edited January 1, 2010 by hoping2heal
bluestraps Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Is this worth all your trouble. No one can make up your mind for you. You dont want to give up on your relationship, but this girl is not making it easy for you. I also did not want to give up on my Ex either. I tried saving her too. Finding a girlfriend / boyfriend is like looking for the size of jeans to buy, You need to look though a pile of them before you find the right size. The ones you bought are too big for you.
CaliGuy Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Ok, another question. We share an online hobby and we basically run into each other every day online. I dont feel like giving up this hobby so how should i act when i am unable to avoid being in contact with her or she contacts me, and i dont have an excuse ready? Find new hobbies. Staying friends with her is going to delay your healing. Read the links in my signature. You're on the wrong path to freedom. You need to MOVE ON and accept that it's over. Until you do, you're going to continue to punish yourself.
Oh Moe Posted January 3, 2010 Posted January 3, 2010 Cali Guy You are so right the pain only gets worse when you hold out hope. I wasted 4 months of my life only to find out I and my family were used and she just kept tabs for her own benefit no one else. The longer you go the more horrible they treat you and they think it's funny. I heard some of the things her and her friends were saying about and I was devastated and when I confronted her she denied it until I said a few things she couldn't. After three years she treated us like the worse scum on earth, I hope i got even. I always hoped I would never hate the women I loved to death for three years. Unless you just GO NO CONTACT you may. I finally last week did something to make sure she never contacts me again. At least I hope she won't anyway.
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