rufusrjones Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Been lurking for awhile now reading throught the information. Thanks in advance for advice and comments. Here's a little background. I have been married for 8 years. We had a very brief courtship before engagement and subsequent marriage. Both of us had just gotten out of recent relationships prior to ours. IMO the whole thing in retrospect was a very big mistake looking back (easy to see looking back right?) Very early on I had doubts about the long term viability but continued on in the marriage. I assumed that I could work through some of our compatability issues and continued on, with some good times interspersed with my general indifference. Furthermore we brought 3 children into the world whom i love dearly. To make a long story short I became increasingly unhappy with our marriage. All i could imagine was the day my last child graduated and I could then get a divorce. Then little by little I questioned whether that was possible. Could I really get up everyday and go through the motions? I detached myself from my wife. I sought independent hobbies to avoid her and only engaged in affection when pressed. I had never really seriously considered an affair, but let the thought creep into my head after a chance meeting with someone from my past. That meeing led to some internet chats and an eventual face to face meeting, and subsequently a rather torrid affair that has been going on for months. The house of cards is now falling all around me. I have a wife whom I have neglected and shown little respect for and a relationship that has further plummeted during the affair, I have a mistress whom I have dug myself I very deep hole with and have made promises to that I probably cannot keep, and 3 innocent children on the sidelines. I told my father the situation tonight thinking it would be cathartic, but in reality it only led to more guilt for disappointing him. I don't feel much love for the woman I married, but feel a lot of guilt for her as she is the mother of my children and I really don't like seeing anyone hurt, and I am hurting her terribly. As for the OW, I realize this is a fantasy. That in reality the honeymoon phase isn't yet over. I"m addicted, and it is hard to overcome. So I am at a crossroads with few good options. 1) Divorce and lose my children as a large portion of my life 2) Admit my indiscretions and try to build, potentially ending in D anyway 3) Try to build something and keep my secret until the day i die Reaping what i've sown. Thanks for listening.
WifeCheatedOnMe Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 IMHO, 3 is not an option. If you feel you can regain love for your wife, then #2 and give her the option of keeping you. Otherwise, #1 and let her find someone that will truly love her.
hopesndreams Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 What a selfish so and so you are. You take the cake buddy. No excuse of only knowing your W a short while before M either. You have 3...count em, 3 kids with her...but, poor you, are unhappy which gave you the green light for a torrid A. I told my father the situation tonight thinking it would be cathartic, but in reality it only led to more guilt for disappointing him. Have you no shame? End it with your W. You are obviously not committed. She deserves only the very best and you sir, are not it.
Author rufusrjones Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 What a selfish so and so you are. You take the cake buddy. No excuse of only knowing your W a short while before M either. You have 3...count em, 3 kids with her...but, poor you, are unhappy which gave you the green light for a torrid A. I told my father the situation tonight thinking it would be cathartic, but in reality it only led to more guilt for disappointing him. Have you no shame? End it with your W. You are obviously not committed. She deserves only the very best and you sir, are not it. Agree, i have it coming.
JaneInVegas Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Rufus, if you're that unhappy with your wife, move on - with or without your other woman. Don't hurt your wife with the knowledge of your affair, just tell her you don't want to be married anymore. Don't make anymore promises to the other woman. Live by yourself for awhile and do some soul searching. Clearly you don't want to do the whole 'honeymoon scenario' again, knowing how you made a bad marriage decision during this same phase with your current wife. But please don't make yourself or your wife miserable anymore. If you can't fix your marriage, you're making everyone in your family - including your kids - miserable.
Author rufusrjones Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 (edited) Broke it off with the OW last night. Don't know what to do at this point. Thinking about IC asap next week. I know my depression is the end of the fantasy relationship. It concerns me that the trauma of losing the other woman right now looms larger than losing my W. Pathetic yes, but trying to be truthfull with how i feel at the moment. I'm just having a hard time moving forward. With the other relationship so fresh it feels like I really don't care. Edited January 1, 2010 by rufusrjones
Hazyhead Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 I'm sorry for your situation Rufus. I don't really know if my thoughts on it will be of any use as I have never been married and don't have children. However, I am an OW that has come out of an affair that sounds similar to yours. Your story sounds like that of the MM I was involved with. He went for your third option. I know that so far he has found it hard to be happy because he has to reconnect with his wife and change his point of view so that it is positive towards the marriage rather than negative. How he keeps the affair a secret is beyond me, but he believes it's for the best. I think you did the right thing to break it off with your OW, because whilst you are so confused about what to do for the best, being with her will cloud your judgement. If there is a chance that you can find happiness with your wife then I think it's right you try to reach it. But, if you feel no love for her then you might be fighting a losing battle. The point is, will that battle hurt your relationship with your children and your wife even more than calling it what it is now? It's a tough decision. It wont help that you'll have to grieve the loss of the affair first, but you're right to do this so that you can see the marriage with more clarity. Good luck.
Samantha0905 Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Rufus, if you're that unhappy with your wife, move on - with or without your other woman. Don't hurt your wife with the knowledge of your affair, just tell her you don't want to be married anymore. Don't make anymore promises to the other woman. Live by yourself for awhile and do some soul searching. Clearly you don't want to do the whole 'honeymoon scenario' again, knowing how you made a bad marriage decision during this same phase with your current wife. But please don't make yourself or your wife miserable anymore. If you can't fix your marriage, you're making everyone in your family - including your kids - miserable. I agree. You've made the right decision breaking things off with the OW. I definitely understand the feeling of being more sad about losing the OW than losing your wife, but if your wife actually knew (not advocating you tell) about the affair and you were about to lose her -- I'm betting you'd be more concerned about that happening. IC sounds like a good idea. You have to figure out what is going on and whether or not you want to work on your marriage or leave.
Author rufusrjones Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 I agree. You've made the right decision breaking things off with the OW. I definitely understand the feeling of being more sad about losing the OW than losing your wife, but if your wife actually knew (not advocating you tell) about the affair and you were about to lose her -- I'm betting you'd be more concerned about that happening. IC sounds like a good idea. You have to figure out what is going on and whether or not you want to work on your marriage or leave. Maybe. Reality is, as selfish as I am, I have deliberately sabotaged our marriage to the point of serious divorce discussions. I have tried to push her out in a chicken crap way (basically marital neglect). Delousionally trying to free myself, without disclosing my indiscretions, to continue with the OW. Cowardly for sure. I am struggling like i have never struggled before to deal with the loss of the OW and it hasn't even been 12 hours since we broke it off. I am miserable and having trouble bearing the thought of not having her. I am so weak.
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