fooled once Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 LOL It is polite to respond? Really? Is it polite to screw him behind his wife's back? Is it polite to sneak around? You are responding to him because you want him to know you are still interested. The whole "I want integrity and honesty" was just a ploy to engage him. If you REALLY are done and you don't want this affair anymore - then you would STOP emailing him or contacting him. But I don't think you are done. You just want him to pursue you, to chase you, to stay interested in you. That's okay - but just admit it and stop saying you want integrity and honesty.
jennie-jennie Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 You just want him to pursue you, to chase you, to stay interested in you. That's okay - but just admit it and stop saying you want integrity and honesty. I want my MM to pursue me, to chase me, to stay interested in me, AND I want integrity and honesty. There is no contradiction in that.
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 if he emails I will be polite and answer him back. It's rude to ignore people. One day you will look back at this statement and be absolutely shocked you said this. I know right now you cannot be objective, take a giant step back, but honestly, going NC and ignoring his emails are not rude. Do you think the way he's treated you has always been respectful and honest? You think he hasn't ignored you at times? Also, this guy lies and betrays and disrespects his wife, he's NO prize.
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I want my MM to pursue me, to chase me, to stay interested in me, AND I want integrity and honesty. There is no contradiction in that. In healthy relationships that aren't affairs, YES, totally agree with you, but MM/OW, in an affair mode, no way.. That honesty and intregity really isn't possible..
Susmay Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I want my MM to pursue me, to chase me, to stay interested in me, AND I want integrity and honesty. There is no contradiction in that. You are right there is no contradiction in wanting both these things. However the contradiction arises with any expectation on your part, that integrity and honesty are possible in an affair. There is no such thing as being half honest or having half integrity.
New_Life08 Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I commend you on your integrity to yourself and your future. It takes a lot of strength to let go of someone you love in order to take a stand in what you believe, and what you need in order to have a healthy, fulfilling relationship. I admire your integrity.
Author willowfields Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 first off he has never really ignored me, he's always been very good about responding to me. imo he is everything that i have always wanted in man. secondly, after 3 years of being together, i would never ignore his emails. honestly he wont repsond to me again. it's the way he is. this was not about him chasing me or pursuing me. it's about an open honest relationship. i never asked him to divorce his wife and be with me, but if he's seperated i would like to be in an honest relationship. i know he can't do that. i know i see things much differently then he does. he can't give me what i'm asking for, and i want more then he can give. wether you can believe it or not, he has always been very good gto me, and yes honest.
Author willowfields Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 by the way i wont pursue him. the gifts i will hold onto.
White Flower Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 How could he give up so easily. He basically said he does not need the drama, and if I can't be postive and pleasant, maybe it is for the best. I feel like my feelings don't matter. He said he wants to see me, he is looking foward to it. Idk anymore. I don't know how making a request is negative and unpleasant; they have nothing to do with each other. The only dramatic thing about it was you claiming your love for him which seemed to work fine in the bedroom but out if it he wants nothing to do with you. Then he has the nerve to say he's looking forward to seeing you? I'm guessing he thought his magical eye contact would woo you back into the bedroom and hoped you'd drop your request.
jennie-jennie Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 (edited) In healthy relationships that aren't affairs, YES, totally agree with you, but MM/OW, in an affair mode, no way.. That honesty and intregity really isn't possible.. Our relationship is very healthy although it is an extramarital relationship. A whole lot of the wounds I brought with me into our relationship have been healed, and I know for a fact that my MM has dealt with a lot of his issues as well. We have affected each other profoundly and in a good way. You are right there is no contradiction in wanting both these things. However the contradiction arises with any expectation on your part, that integrity and honesty are possible in an affair. There is no such thing as being half honest or having half integrity. Let's just hope that our EMR will be brought into the open one day. We are working on it. For now we have honesty and integrity within the affair, much more honesty than my MM has ever experienced in any other relationship. That is a major draw for him, that he dares to reveal his true self to me. Now he just needs to dare to be honest with his wife as well. That seems to be a hard one. As for me, everyone I know knows of our EMR. Edited January 2, 2010 by jennie-jennie
her_halo_slipped Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 i would never ignore his emails. honestly he wont repsond to me again. There's not much to say really except... You're not done with him. You keep repeating yourself suggesting he won't respond to you again. If you really were done with him this would make you happy. In your posts it doesn't come across as a happy thought. More a desperate hope that he actually WILL respond. It is so confusing to end a relationship/affair when you're not ready. Why don't you take a moment to fully understand what it is you really want. Then act accordingly. Because right now.... You're jsnot done yet!
Hazyhead Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 i would never ignore his emails. honestly he wont repsond to me again. There's not much to say really except... You're not done with him. You keep repeating yourself suggesting he won't respond to you again. If you really were done with him this would make you happy. In your posts it doesn't come across as a happy thought. More a desperate hope that he actually WILL respond. It is so confusing to end a relationship/affair when you're not ready. Why don't you take a moment to fully understand what it is you really want. Then act accordingly. Because right now.... You're jsnot done yet! I agree with this. I feel for you Willow because I think your search for your own peace of mind is massively tainted with the hope you have that it might all still work out with him. I think the fact that you have mentioned a couple of times now that you think he wont write back suggests that you are still trying to convince yourself, or not convince yourself rather as if you're afraid to bulid your hopes up but deep down can't help it. You want him so much that you can't lose the hopes, but I think deep down you know how it's going to pan out - you're just struggling with the possibility of the harsh reality. Sometimes we all do that - try not to bulid our hopes up too much about something we really want because we know how much it's going to sting when it doesn't happen. I'm sorry that you're suffering - you do seem very confused, but still a little bit in denial. I hope you can move past him, I really do, because regardless of whether he leaves his wife or not, you need to work on your own strength. And I hope you find it. You deserve better than him Willow.
Author willowfields Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 I guess you guys are both right, although I hate to admit it. For 3 years he's been a huge part of my life, then for 5 months we have spent so much time together. Especially in the last 5 months the way I see things has changed drastically with him and I.
jennie-jennie Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 So why not be happy with what you have and go from there. Be a happy other woman. Why end a relationship you do not want to end? You can still hold out hope that one day he will be brave enough to end his marriage, although accepting the reality that today he isn't. I see too many OW be prematurely coaxed into NC here on LS. NC is in the interest of the BS, not necessarily of the OW. The heart wants what the heart wants.
OWoman Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 NC is in the interest of the BS, not necessarily of the OW. NC is the relationship equivalent of cold turkey - useful for resolving a toxic situation. So, IF your A has become toxic for you - as in, YOU consider it toxic; not some arb stranger reading your posts on an internet forum considers it toxic from their own, highly interested, position - then NC can be a boon. But if you do not see your R as toxic, then the costs of NC will be greater than the benefits. Then it would be more like anorexia than cold turkey - a useful response (cutting calories) to a pathological situation (being overweight) being applied in a non-pathological situation (having a normal BMI) resulting in a pathological outcome.
Brightmoon Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I agree with this. I feel for you Willow because I think your search for your own peace of mind is massively tainted with the hope you have that it might all still work out with him. I think the fact that you have mentioned a couple of times now that you think he wont write back suggests that you are still trying to convince yourself, or not convince yourself rather as if you're afraid to bulid your hopes up but deep down can't help it. You want him so much that you can't lose the hopes, but I think deep down you know how it's going to pan out - you're just struggling with the possibility of the harsh reality. Sometimes we all do that - try not to bulid our hopes up too much about something we really want because we know how much it's going to sting when it doesn't happen. I'm sorry that you're suffering - you do seem very confused, but still a little bit in denial. I hope you can move past him, I really do, because regardless of whether he leaves his wife or not, you need to work on your own strength. And I hope you find it. You deserve better than him Willow. Agree so much with what Her Halo and Hazey have said...spot on!
Author willowfields Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 I never thought I would wind up in an affair. I did not go looking for it. Then I wind up at this point 3 years later, with a lot of life changes. I hate to see my life without my ap, but like I said to my ap, an affair is wrong on so many levels. I told him to try to bring love and passion back into his marriage. They loved each other once, and I will step back. Boy it hurts to say it, I will see what happens. If he emails, then we will talk, if not, I can accept this is for the good of both of us. With 2 children he needs to love his wife again and make a new start.
Hazyhead Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I had never thought that entering into an affair would be something that I would do, either. But here I am... or was, rather. I think you're doing the right thing Willow and it takes courage to realise that if he can make his marriage work then he should try. If, further down the road, it doesn't work and then divorce, then maybe that will be your time, but please don't be sucked into endlessly waiting for him if you don't want to. If you want more from him than he gives already then don't settle for less in the hope that that will come. (((hugs)))
Heather1 Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Yes, an A is wrong, but you're 3 years into it now. Have you read about outcomes? What surprised me most on LS is the thread where the OM chimed in, regretting their A. The OW are "hoping," the OM are glad it's over. I'm not saying that's your case at all.... It looks like the breakdown of an A is when one person wants "more," usually the OW. If you drag his family & friends into your R, then you'll drag in a whole other element & all the judgements that go with it. Be prepared for his family & friends to not like you at all, only because of the circumstances. Your his oasis. Besides, if & when you split it's easier to not have those kind of ties.
jennie-jennie Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 What surprised me most on LS is the thread where the OM chimed in, regretting their A. The OW are "hoping," the OM are glad it's over. I read that thread (if you are talking about MM not OM). I have also read many threads where the MM/MW are still pining for their AP, even years later.
Author willowfields Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 I really have not cried yet, I have to admit that I that I do miss him, and I think I will pine for him a very long time. He has not deleted yet as a contact from his messanger, but when he does it will break my heart.
Hazyhead Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I understand that pain Willow - you're still waiting for the very end and maybe that's why your tears have stalled. If he has other means of communicating with you, be it address or phone number, then I would delete him first on messenger. Cut it yourself and even though it will be incredibly painful it will also give you a sense of liberation and control. If, once he has made up his mind, he decides he wants to be with you, he will find a way to contact you. You've made it known to him that you want to be with him, if he realises he wants the same, he'll find a way for sure.
Author willowfields Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 I know what you are saying and I just do not have the strength to do it. It makes it so final. It would have to be his messanger I'd,his email account, and I have pics of him on my laptop, plus a pic of him as my screen saver. To delete it all is so final. I guess when I'm ready I will.
Hazyhead Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I thought I didn't have the strength too Willow, but I did it. Then I cried and cried and felt so bad. However, even though my feelings for him have not faded at all, I'm glad that I did that. It has stopped me checking for messages from him and wallowing in the pain by looking at the pictures and reading old messages. I'm finding now that every single day I get that little bit stronger and happier with my decision. It helped to me take my power back.
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 I really have not cried yet, I have to admit that I that I do miss him, and I think I will pine for him a very long time. He has not deleted yet as a contact from his messanger, but when he does it will break my heart. You delete him. Just do it. For your own sanity.. It'll hurt but I bet ya you'll feel relieved in afew days of doing that. delete and block him. Or, create another account ,add all your friends to the new one if you're not really ready to let go of him and delete him.. this way you can log on, talk to your friends and NOT see his name. Just don't turn on the other IM.
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