willowfields Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Not sure if I made the right choice. I told my ap that I wanted 2010 to be a year of honesty and integrity and that I could no longer be in a relationship where I was a secret. I told him to make his marriage work and bring passion into it. If he does decide he wants an honest relationship I will be there. I feel sick. I have not heard anything from him and I know that I would not. I could not keep going like I was. Thanks.
Brightmoon Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Willow, you did the right thing for you. Your reasons for ending the affair are very sound. You are going to miss him ..and it's going to be painful. Keep reminding yourself of your reasons and hang in there. Hugs.
Confused4Now Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 Not sure if I made the right choice. I told my ap that I wanted 2010 to be a year of honesty and integrity and that I could no longer be in a relationship where I was a secret. I told him to make his marriage work and bring passion into it. If he does decide he wants an honest relationship I will be there. I feel sick. I have not heard anything from him and I know that I would not. I could not keep going like I was. Thanks. You can't call it a relationship...that's the first thing you have to come to grips with. It was an affair. There was nothing honest about it at all. When I talked to my MW I called for what it was and when she called it a relationship I always corrected her. Recognize it for what it was....focus on YOU.
fooled once Posted December 31, 2009 Posted December 31, 2009 You can't call it a relationship...that's the first thing you have to come to grips with. It was an affair. There was nothing honest about it at all. When I talked to my MW I called for what it was and when she called it a relationship I always corrected her. Recognize it for what it was....focus on YOU. I agree. Don't live your life with regrets. Don't live your life for a man. You should be your focus point. With that in mind, focus on being #1/top priority with a man - a single man. No more men who are married. It is more than likely always going to be a loser for the OW.
Author willowfields Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 this is the email that i did send to him today. i thought maybe someone could tell me what you thought of it. hi, i'm not sure where to start. i read through the messages we had sent one another the other night with messanger. rereading them i had asked if i could someday meet the people that are important to you, and you had said maybe. just be happy and relax with our time together. i love you and there is no other man i want in my life, but i also realize that i will never be your number one priority. i just look at our relationship and how wrong it is on so many levels. i think we demonize our SO to justify being together. i know you love your wife. try to renew your love and bring your passion back into your marriage. i can't be a secret, and have a relationship that's hidden from everyone. i want to be able to be out in the open and say how much i love you to everyone and have the relationship open and honest with integrity. i made a promise to myself in 2010 i will live with honor and integrity. i don't doubt that i am in your heart, and i don't doubt you miss me. i can't be in a half relationship that is a secret. if you ever decide one day that you want to have an honest open relationship with me that's not a secret, i would want that more then anything in the world. until then i have to step back. i wish you all the happiness. i wish you a successful 2010 and many years there after. i have no regrets with the time we have spent together. i have said this before, you are everything a man should be. take care. with love, as of right now i miss him so much. i figured this would be a good time to do this. right now he's with his wife and maybe this will give him a chance to work on and renew his marriage. he had plans on coming back on monday, so maybe he wont. i dk if he recieved the email yet as i have not been deleted from his messanger account. even though his wife moved and he lived here i was still a secret. i would say hey lets hang out friday night, and he would say well i'm picking up my son, so that meant we would not see one another until late sunday night when his son left. that use to hurt. he teaches a class he would never let me watch him teach. i still could not be enough of a part of his life. his friends even after his wife moved never met me. i just know in my heart where his heart lies and after he sells his house where he will move to. sometimes i wish we never met, then on the other hand i have no regrets for our time together. right now i feel an overwhelming sadness. i also decided i'm not going back to my husband niether. i need time alone to heal. i can't go back to my husband and mourn my ap. my ap is who i really want to be with. thanks for listening.
Author willowfields Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 How could he give up so easily. He basically said he does not need the drama, and if I can't be postive and pleasant, maybe it is for the best. I feel like my feelings don't matter. He said he wants to see me, he is looking foward to it. Idk anymore.
Brightmoon Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 How could he give up so easily. He basically said he does not need the drama, and if I can't be postive and pleasant, maybe it is for the best. I feel like my feelings don't matter. He said he wants to see me, he isHow could he give up so easily. looking foward to it. Idk anymore. Hi Willow and Happy New Year.((Hugs)) "How could he give up so easily". In the long run this is better for you Willow. "He basically said he does not need the drama" YOU don't need the drama Willow. And it is definitely for the best. It may not feel like it right now, but it is. You decided that it was time to stop all the drama. Stick with it. "I feel like my feelings don't matter" Your feelings matter to YOU and that is why you are calling it quits. Remember that. "He said he wants to see me, he is. How could he give up so easily. looking forward to it" I guess this was from before you sent your mail and that you have not heard form him since? I really understand how it must feel like rejection every time you consider that he is not putting up a fight for you. You just have to 'suck that up' in LS parlance. But you are putting up a fight for your self and freeing yourself from being second best. and doing something you consider is not right for you. You will get through this Willow.
Author willowfields Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 He put it all in the same email. The email said I'm not positive or pleasant, but at the same time he is looking foward to seeing me. I answered him back saying I want to be positive and pleasant, but I have needs to. He has not responded, and most likely he won't. I did buy him a birthday gift with a card, our bdays are special because they are a day apart. I will mail it to him. It doies not matter if he buys me anything.
Hazyhead Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Willow - I think you've made the right choice. You've given him far more than he's given you and right now you need to heal and recover - for yourself. You aren't going to get much from him, he's preoccupied and you are not his priority like he seems to be for you. It's going to hurt; God, it hurts sooo much, but let go of him. Let go of everyone except for yourself and find your own happiness. Fix whatever is left to fix for you to be able to leave your marriage on the best terms possible and then find yourself. You will get over it in time.
D-Lish Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 I was about to congratulate you for your choice, but it looks like you've already started corresponding with him again. I suspect you told him you wanted to end the affair in the hopes that he would pursue you, perhaps finally make that choice between you and his wife. I suspect this backfired, which is why you sent him a letter 24 hours after breaking up with him. If you are going to make a threat like that, you need to stick with it! He manipulated you so easily by flippantly saying it was too much drama and unpleasantness for him to deal with. All of a sudden you are defending yourself, back tracking and chasing crumbs. You deserve better- but I think you have to be ready to stick to the break up the next time you end things. Otherwise, the empty threats really are just "drama".
Author willowfields Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 Hazy I know. It is very hard to let go. I know he has, now I have to. I know he is preoiccupied. I hope someday he understands where I am coming from. He will still get bday gift from me. Thanks.
Author willowfields Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 First off it had nothing to do with him pursuing me. It has to do with honesty, which is what I want. No hidden secrets as I told him. He emailed me after 24 hours and I answered him. I told him if you can not make anhonest relationship then maybe it is for the best. I know he won't reply. That's what I want.
D-Lish Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 Then don't perpetuate things by sending a birthday gift! That will only produce more contact, and if you truly don't want that, then it doesn't make sense to send him a gift. One of the hardest things to do is break free from a relationship when you know it's toxic to you- but it will be liberating for you in the long run. You truly deserve to be with someone that can give you every part of himself. Please keep telling yourself that.
Hazyhead Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 I don't think it would be wise to send him the gift either. No good will come of that at the moment, instead it would be better for you if you just show him how you can move on without him. By sending the gift it will make it seem as if you are desperate. If it were me, and this would hurt but be necessary, I would throw the gift out or take it to a charity shop. I'd find that kind of cathartic.
whatever_nevermind Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 You have all right to want to be in an open and honest relationship with someone who isn’t already committed to another person. It’s so hurtful be in love someone and having to be able to carry that love in secrecy. If your MM doesn’t contact you again, he has done you a great favor by making it less difficult for you to find true happiness. I hope you have the resolve and fortitude to continue to strive for what you know is betterment for your life.
Brightmoon Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 If your MM doesn’t contact you again, he has done you a great favor by making it less difficult for you to find true happiness. I hope you have the resolve and fortitude to continue to strive for what you know is betterment for your life. This is so true... He will have done you a favour. You only have to read threads of people who are left hanging on in limbo and how tormenting that is. You will have been spared that by him if he maintains NC.
Author willowfields Posted January 1, 2010 Author Posted January 1, 2010 I am surprised that he did email me first. He never has before after a dissagreement. It has always been me. I don't think he will again. I know what is important to me and what I want. Thank you for your reply.
bentnotbroken Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 What's the current gift giving etiquette for donkeys? Maybe I will get Mr. Messy something this year. Keep the gift, move on.
fooled once Posted January 1, 2010 Posted January 1, 2010 I agree with D. I think you are playing a game with him. Either you are DONE or you aren't. Sending him a gift? Really? If you are DONE, then don't send it. Give it to a shelter, a rescue home for abused people - anything but him. If you really are done - BE done. Quit this emailing stuff. You told him what you want. He can't give it to you. So either accept the secrets and the crumbs or find someone who only wants YOU and someone you don't have to share with a wife.
Author willowfields Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 if he emails I will be polite and answer him back. It's rude to ignore people.
bentnotbroken Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 if he emails I will be polite and answer him back. It's rude to ignore people. Really? If ignoring a MM who emails you is rude, what is ignoring his wife and family?
Author willowfields Posted January 2, 2010 Author Posted January 2, 2010 It's up to my him to take care of his wife, not me.
D-Lish Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Willow, your posts are getting progressively more contradictory. You can't have a clean break and continue to answer his e-mails or send him gifts. Either you want to move forward or you don't. If you want to move forward, the only way you can do so is to follow through with your threat and stay clear of him. No gifts, no further exchanges, no more meetings. What you choose to do is up to you- but I don't get the feeling that you are convinced as to whether or not you are ready to leave him just yet.
bentnotbroken Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 Not sure if I made the right choice. I told my ap that I wanted 2010 to be a year of honesty and integrity and that I could no longer be in a relationship where I was a secret. I told him to make his marriage work and bring passion into it. If he does decide he wants an honest relationship I will be there. I feel sick. I have not heard anything from him and I know that I would not. . Is this your first post in this thread? If it is, then does his wife know you are still being polite and answering him? I thought you wanted honesty and integrity??????????? I could not keep going like this. Not only are you still going down the same dead in, you being too damn polite about it. It's up to my him to take care of his wife, not me And it is up to his wife to take care of him, not you. You are right where you want to be in the middle of the drama.
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2010 Posted January 2, 2010 How could he give up so easily. He basically said he does not need the drama, and if I can't be postive and pleasant, maybe it is for the best. I feel like my feelings don't matter. He said he wants to see me, he is looking foward to it. Idk anymore. To you it's a relationship, your everything.. To him, it's an AFFAIR. Sorry be blunt, I know you're hurting, but he sees it totally different than you.. That is why he's able to put you out of his head, and also tell you he doesn't need drama, if you can't be pleasent and positive to be around.. THAT in itself should offend you. Get MAD instead of getting upset. He doesn't really respect you or your feelings. It IS for the best. Best for you, to let go and just let yourself grieve, go through the motions of it ending. It'll hurt, like any other loss, but you will heal and be fine.
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